Re-re-editing Kingdom of Avia UPDATED

So the EQD rejection letter for KoA said the following:

"Right away, I'm seeing very unsteady perspective, repetitive word choice, unsubtle presentation of character emotion, obtrusive descriptions, lack of narration to set the scene during conversations at times, and repetitive sentence structure. The absolute rarity of paragraphs longer than two lines says you're probably not fleshing out the narration enough."

To fix this, I'm working on a more consistent POV- all present tense and not different tenses in the same story (unless a character is talking about a past event). I'm using a thesaurus to keep from being so repetitive. I'm also adding things involving the characters' body language as well as their words and working on longer paragraphs/different sentence structures.

But I'm not sure how to show emotion rather than tell it or how to fix the obtrusive description (describing the small things w/o describing the big picture) thingy.

I have finished re-re-editing chapter 1 and would love some feedback concerning how well I addressed the aforementioned problems- please let me know what you think!