• Member Since 24th Mar, 2014
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Vivid Syntax


Convention Runner, Statistician, and lover of all things Soarburn

More Blog Posts200

Dec
31st
2015

Life of Syn - Meditations on Life, Death, and the Past Year · 6:49am Dec 31st, 2015

It's been a weird year.

There have been a lot of nights (and days) where I've found myself lying in bed or sitting in a chair, staring at nothing and thinking about… stuff. It's not even the big stuff, since I often feel like I don't tackle the big philosophical questions as much as I used to. Maybe it's a product of my environment – I'm pretty removed from my liberal arts college and into the professional world, and a lot of my creativity goes to problem-solving on issues that, while important, are more practical than deeply fulfilling on a soulful level. If you'll indulge me, though, I'd like to end the year by taking some time to reflect on a few things.

2015 has been very kind to me. I've completed my master's degree, gotten a job I love in my home state, gotten married to the love of my life, and bought our first home. I traveled to DC and Dallas (not to mention living in Pittsburgh for half the year), and I've had a host of experiences that have ranged from driving 13 hours through a solid blizzard to making intelligent, caring lifelong friends to surviving an 8-hour interview to working on projects that helped me realize that, yeah, I'm actually pretty good at this whole "statistics" thing. I've gotten to tell countless stories, both pony and non, to friends and loved ones, and I've gotten to hear their amazing tales of how they've become the people they are now. I can venture a guess at whole they'll be tomorrow, in a week, a month, or a year, but getting to stay in contact and watch them grow is one of the most rewarding things I can imagine, especially when they tell me I've had a positive impact on their life somehow. These are the moments that I live for, and I'm both humbled at how lucky I've been and proud of the initiative I've taken to capitalize on that luck.

But 2015 has been unkind to me as well. The combined stresses of grad school and wedding planning on top of everything else felt like they broke me, like everything was overwhelming. I've continued to struggle with ideas of self-worth, and I had my first suicidal thoughts since probably middle school. Additionally, my grandmother passed away about a week before Christmas, and it's made the already stressful holidays so much more acutely painful, which makes it hard to remember the real meaning of the holidays (not the one you're thinking of – the real one). I'm seeing a psychologist for all these issues, but there's been a lot of dissatisfaction with myself this year, and I'm always chasing that high of accomplishing something greater. Ambition is like mold.

(Side note: if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or depression, you are not alone. Please call the suicide hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255 or, for the LGBT+ among you, the Trevor project at 866-488-7386, and get help. You deserve happiness)

Looking at what I've written, a big theme pops out at me: external success and internal feelings of failure. That's how it always goes, though, isn't it? There's a quote I like that helps me keep perspective. I've seen it attributed to many people, and I'm not sure who said it first, but I'd like to share it with you:

If I could give you one thing in life, it would be the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then would you realize how special you are.

I like it because it reminds me of all the little contradictions that make life interesting. I'll leave you to puzzle out your own meaning from it, but suffice to say, it's true.

This is usually the part where I'm supposed to say "Thanks to all my readers and fans for making my year great" and we all pretend it doesn't leave an aftertaste of insincerity. In lieu of that, I'd like you to do me a favor. You should do it tonight (the 31st) before midnight tonight if you can, but if you have to wait until tomorrow, that's fine, too.

I want you to find a mirror, preferably a small one. Put it somewhere that's almost out of the way, someplace that you won't see it every day, but that you'll come across every once in a while. Put it there, and make yourself a promise: whenever you look into the mirror, you'll tell the person that you see one reason why they're a good person. Not an accomplishment, but a reason they're good. Think hard about it, and don't let your biases get in the way. Do everything you can to give them a smile.

That's enough from me. The year's almost up, and as much as I've been complaining about it, 2015 has been a good year for me, and reflecting on it has given me an appreciation for everything that's happened. Thank you for reading this far.

Happy 2016, my friend. I wish you good luck, good preparation, new friends, new experiences, moments of happiness and sadness and everything that makes us human, a curious mind, a full belly, good sex, comfort with yourself, and above all else, chances to make life better for someone you may never meet again. Those are the moments you'll truly shine.

~Vivid

Comments ( 8 )

Happy 2016! You're one of the first friends I made here on Fimfic. I just want you to know that I value that friendship a lot!!!

i am late. But not too late to tell you that you are a great person and i want everyone to know that you helped me a lot: i was someone else before i "met" him on this page, i was sad and had the feeling that i wasn't a person but some kind of a monster and that i dont belong to this world, but he was so kind not to let me suffer and started talking to me and he still is. The point is that Vivid is apsolutely great person and i want him to know that. Have a happy new year Vivid. :heart:
And of course to everyone who is reading this comment a happy now year too. :raritywink:

3653336
You're awesome, Spinner, and I'm glad we're friends, too. :heart: Happy New Year!

3654670
You're not late according to my watch.:raritywink:

Thanks for all the kind words. You're a great person, too, and it makes me smile that you feel like I had a positive impact on your life. This is a great way to end the year. Thanks again, buddy. :heart:

3654966
Once again you dont have to thank me, i should be thanking you. :twilightsmile:
And i forgot something to say: One day i would love to be like you. And happy new year to your husband too.

It's difficult to find the proper response to a post like this. There's a lot of weight and wisdom to words of such a personal nature and topic that I cannot help but worry that what words I might be able to assemble together into a more or less cohesive whole won't be able to do it justice.

I any case I'd like to start by wishing you a happy 16th birthday of the second millennium. 2015 was able to bring you a lot of good things, most of which I had the pleasure to experience with you over the year. I can only hope that 2016 can continue and even improve that trend.

I'm really sorry to hear about your grandmother's passing. I know she meant a lot to you. From what you've told me about her before in blogs and emails she was quite the woman and will be sorely missed. I'm really happy though to know that she had been able to attend your wedding and know that you're in good hands with your husband.

The real meaning of Christmas is one not often adhered to, or commonly forgotten, even by me I fear. It's gotten clouded by differing expectations and demands. I had initially even decided not to take part in the Christmas dinners this year, after last year's had been somewhat overshadowed by clashing expectations revolving around silly things like me attending the dinner to catch up with people and see them, and others caring more about the dinner itself... Which generally is all fancy and exclusive containing dishes I cannot appreciate... I may be very limited in what I can enjoy. My dad though requested I join anyway and in hindsight I'm happy I did, silly as it might have been to eat a pizza, whilst everyone else had their fancy dishes. It was again what I'm looking for, a fun evening together to catch up and see each other again that just so happens to be within the context of a dinner.

Though loath to admit I'm not a stranger to thoughts of suicide. As dark as it might seem there will always be occasions where an 'escape' from problems or emotions can linger in the back of the mind. In my case though, flawed as I may be, and no matter how little confidence I may have in my abilities during any lows, I'm too afraid of no longer being me to ever take it to more serious considerations. The more I learn of science and astronomy the more terrified I become of the prospect of potentially no longer being around some day. It's not something I generally discuss, as I prefer to focus on the positive and don't want to burden friends with the negative.

I'm happy to hear though you've been discussing your issues with a psychologist and hope that through it you can learn to both deal with the issues you're facing and appreciate your abilities and who you are. I know that for myself speaking with a psychologist, no matter how little was spoken in the first weeks, proved pivotal in taking the first steps into who I am today, the road itself paved in new friendships.

You've been an amazing and inspiring friend to me over the past year and I'm most grateful that you've been taking the time to reach out to me in between all the other requirements to your attention. Your insights and talents in expressing yourself through your panels and writing in both blogs, emails and stories continue to be a source of inspiration to me and your positive and inclusive attitude is one I can only hope to be able to accomplish for myself someday.

We may not always be able to live up to the standards we set for ourselves, to recognize our accomplishments and those characteristics that make us good or special, we compare ourselves to those that we'd want to be like and fail to see what skills, abilities or characteristics we have ourselves. It's not easy to look upon ourselves the way others would when comparing themselves to what we can do or be. Know though that you've been a person I look up to, both in who you are and what you've been able to share with your audience and your friends and how you did so. It's exactly those features you might take for granted or think little of that I would aspire to one day be able to realize for myself.

For now I want to once again extend my wish that your 2016 will prove to be one showing you ever greater kindness, in friendships, in love, in work and life in general.

Now where to find get myself a mirror fitting my apartment?

I know this is late, and I'm not quite sure how to respond to such a profound message but figured it was worth commenting on. For what it's worth meeting you was one highlight for me last year, I'm really glad I got to know you these few months and have you as the first friend I've made in the fandom. I send you all my thanks and I wish you a happy 2016!

3664703
It's never too late to be kind. :pinkiesmile: Thanks for the message. Meeting you was definitely a highlight of my year, too (and I've got the aghast photos of me looking at your picture to prove it :rainbowlaugh:). Happy 2016!

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