" -The Hat Mann
SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER! The Cynical Brony: Episode 23: "How Sorcerer Destroyed, Obliterated, And Outright Rekt Hearth's Warming Eve" · 4:08pm Dec 27th, 2015
How The Sorcerer Destroyed, Obliterated and Outright Rekt Hearth's Warming Eve
By
Sorcerer M Crainius
And
The Cynical Brony
------------------
Once upon a time, a long time ago
There was a village completely covered in snow
Now this isn't actually the subject. FOOLED YOU.
It was about a town in present time with ponies there too
Everypony down in Ponyville liked Hearth's Warming Eve a lot.
But The Sorcerer who lived up in his satellite did not.
Sorcerer: Cynical! Curse you for killing me again!
Cynical (over radio): No problem, friend!
Cynical lived in a city called Manehatten
Where all those who wrong him start to leak satin
Sorcerer: Nighty!
He said.
Sorcerer: I'm completely fed up! This holiday,
He growled, before starting to say;
Sorcerer: Makes me want to erupt!
For 4 f***ing years I've put up with it now!
I must stop it from coming....but how?
Nighty: You can stop rhyming for one. You're not Eminem.
Cynical (over radio): Say that again, and you’ll see my gun!
Sorcerer: SHUT UP, THIS IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT!
He shouted, then went
To the backroom which housed all the heaters and vents
Nighty: What are you doing, you idi-
(The air conditioner blows Nighty's hair into a shape similar to Celestia's)
Then...Sorcerer got an idea.
An awful idea
Sorcerer got a wonderful awful idea.
Sorcerer: You know, saying idea 3 times doesn't count as a rhyme.
Just promise, Narrator, that you'll do better next time.
Sorcerer hated the ponies. Now please don't worry.
It's because of his over-complicated backstory.
Sorcerer: Hey! *ahem*
I know just what to do...
Said the pony insane
As he put on himself a rainbow colored mane
He transformed into the princess of the sun
For he knew that on this day he had already won
And he cackled and cackled
Sorcerer: What a Sorcer-y mess!
With this neat disguise I look just like the princess!
BWAHAHAHA!
Nighty: You're a f***ing moron, Sorcerer.
You're a sucky, piece of crap.
You're a moldy piece of cheese who deserves a big ol' slap, Sorcerer.
If this show wasn't PG, I'd give your neck a snap!
Cynical (over radio): You’re a fucking more moronic person, Sorcerer.
Sorcerer: (not hearing Cynical and looking into a mirror) Yes, I am. My heart's an EMPTY HOOOOLLE!
Cynical (over radio): Well, step one of solving a problem is acknowledging it...
Nighty: Your brain is full of nothing
You don't even have a soul, Sorcerer.
Cynical (over radio): If I had to pick between you and the people who killed my family, you’d be feeling quite sore!
Sorcerer: Just ask the ponies down in Ponyville. They won't deny iiiiiiiiiit!
(Sorcerer's eye glows as he charges up a vehicle resembling Celestia's Chariot)
(It explodes)
Sorcerer: Sensors are a bit slow. BUT THAT'S WHAT THESE TESTS ARE FOR!
(Nighty facehoofs)
Nighty: You're a dense one, Sorcerer. You have cavities in your smile.
You have the sweet adoring scent of a huge garbage pile, Sorcerer.
Given the choice between you, I'd chose th-
(Sorcerer swings on a rope)
Sorcerer: HUGE GARBAGE PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLE (vomits).
Ahem
All I need now is two guards to pull the reins.
Narrator: But finding ponies to do his bidding was a bit of a pain
For when he stopped and looking all around
There were no pegasi, no unicorns no one to be found.
But did that stop the Sorcerer? No! Sorcerer said...
Sorcerer: If I can't find some guards....I'll enslave some instead...
So he knocked out his demoness, the one that he wed.
And he tied a big helmet on top of her head
Sorcerer: Fly this, baby
The crafty Sorcerer sneered
Sorcerer: And I'll do whatever you ask. I'll even hand you a beer.
Narrator: So he flew to Manehatten and soared through the air
And he came to the first little house on the square
He climbed through the chimney, a very tight space.
But he wasn't that graceful. He fell flat on his face
Cynical: Hey, get the fuck outta my place!
Sorcerer looked uneasy, he was ready to faint
He heard that this voice, belonged to someone satirical
He knew that this voice belonged to Cynical.
This was a sight that you would normally see
When doing a drug that's known as LSD
Celestia, in all her glory, was standing there
Shoving presents through the chimney without any care.
Meanwhile, Cynical began to swear.
But you know, Sorcerer was such a d***
That he thought up a lie, and he thought of one quick
Celestia (Sorcerer): Why, my sweet child, there is no need to be-
Cynical: Get the fuck out of my house. Right now. I don’t care who you are.
Sorcerer: But you see, my child, should I leave th-
Cynical: NO. GET. OUT!
Sorcerer: There is a bomb inside one of these presents
If one should explode it would be most unpleasan-
Cynical: I do not give a fuck! If it means getting rid of you, let the thing go off!
His fib didn't fool the Cynical brit
Cynical: I’m not British, you narrating twit!
So, upon his head with a bat, he did hit.
Sorcerer: Surprise motherbucker.
Cynical: Fucking OW! Jesus man! That hurt!
So he punched him unconscious with a bump on his head
He growled angrily and threw him in bed
Without any delay, he stuffed up all the gifts
Without any time loops or temporal rifts
And all the ponies asleep thinking R34 thoughts
Nothing but chaos, the Sorcerer did brought
Cynical, though, sat pissed off on a cot.
Sorcerer stole all the toys, all the gifts from last night
And he brought them to the satellite before the end of the night
Cynical: OBJECTION! YOU SAID THAT SAME THING TWICE! Seems I’ll have to make it right!
Narrator: Oh crap, are you really breaking the fourth wall?
Cynical: Of course, don’t you know me at all?
Sorcerer: You promised. Remember, you big Neanderthal!
Cynical: Fuck you, I’ll do whatever I want in this call!
Narrator: Oh fine. On with the story.
Before my nice suit gets bloody and gory!
Sorcerer: My poor little ponies!
The Sorcerer was humming
Sorcerer: They're soon finding that their holiday isn't coming!
Those lazy-a** idiots, I'll know just what they'll say!
Cynical: Just wait a day?
They'll stand there and cry: "MM WHATCHA SAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY"
Cynical: I don’t think they’d give a damn, anyway.
Sorcerer: Shut up!
Cynical: Learn your place, pup.
The Sorcerer stood there, drinking a beer.
Cynical: Keep that up and you’ll experience true fear.
Sorcerer: Quiet! There's a sound I simply must hear!
Cynical: Ah, am I making the wittwe Sorcerer shed a tear?
But the Sorcerer heard something quite queer.
Cynical: It was Rainbow and Twilight celebrating an early new year. ;D
It wasn't sad, why it sounded merry
Other ponies joined together
Despite the harsh weather...
Cynical: To watch a movie with Jim Carrey.
Sorcerer puzzled and puzzled and puzzled some more
But then he thought of something he hadn't before
Cynical: This whole thing violates MLP lore?
Sorcerer: Maybe....Hearth's Warming Eve...wasn't made to mock me
Maybe....this holiday...perhaps...MOCKS MY WHOLE FAMILY TREE!
Sorcerer dumped all the gifts in Equus' atmosphere
And blew up the planet while shedding a manly tear
Cynical:DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK!
He said with fear
Cynical: All my stuff was here! My family, my friends, my fanfiction…
Cynical: In fact, both these specials are a huge contradiction!
Cynical then prepared a very special spell,
Traveling back in time,
And sending Sorcerer’s parents, before he was born, to Hell.
Sorcerer: That's what you think
Sorcerer chuckled with glee
Your powers don't work for this satellite belongs to me
And that, my friends
Narrator: He said with a tug at his sleeve
Sorcerer: Is how I destroyed, obliterated and outright rekt Hearth's Warming Eve!
Cynical: You’re forgetting just one thing,
Cynical said with a grin
Cynical: I wasn’t in your satellite when I performed that spell, so I win.
Narrator: Sorcerer then killed Cynical and all his remains
Cynical’s Ghost: Fuckin’ seriously?
And then....everything...ran out of rhymes…
Cynical’s Ghost: This breaks all the canons of all times.
Trixie then kissed Twilight with all of her might
And Rainbow and her started to fight
As a nuclear explosion destroyed the Galaxy
Killing everyone like you and me!
***
And that's my fanfiction
Sorcerer said to his wife
And the acquaintances he had met throughout all his life
Nighty: That was f***ing awesome.
Cynical (over radio): Eh, it was a bit too full of strife.
Sorcerer got pissed and stabbed himself with a knife.
Peridot: And that, Crystal Clods, is my fanfiction!
Pearl: It breaks the fourth wall a lot doesn't it?
Cynical: I concur, nothing will quite fit.
Sorcerer: Hey, why're we still rhyming?
Cynical: Who gives a fuck, let’s get back to Christmas timing.
Trixie: And that's the Great and Powerful Trixie's fanfiction!
Rainbow Dash: ........wat?
Twilight: Uh, Trixie, I found more than one contradiction...
Trixie: Oh shut up, it's Trixie's AU! It's not real!
Cynical: That doesn’t change the fact that it sucks veel.
Sorcerer: I thought it was pretty good, but did it have to find rhyming as a Glitch In The Matrix? Rhyming's just...fun. Just go ask Zecora.
Cynical: Indeed, the people are asking for more....a.
Sorcerer: Anyway, I must go and attend to my cake of orange.
Cynical: Okay, I’m off to find something that rhymes with orange.
Sorcerer: Afterwards, I'm gonna fix my noisy
***
Door hinge.
Crowd: OOOOOH OOOOOOOH OOOOOOH! WOMBO COMBO!
Cynical: That rhyme made me cringe. No more rhyming!
Sorcerer: Merry Christmas, everybody! (Hums Hark The Herald Angels Sing)
lol You guys are funny.
Also, I'll always remember you Sorcerer.
RIP. Sorcerer 2012-2015 Fim Fiction. Last words "I'll have my revenge." I crie every tim.