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The Cynical Brony


"(The Cynical Brony would get arrested for) Complaining about other people's opinions in a coffee shop and ending up slapping the shit out of someone. :rainbowlaugh:" -The Hat Mann

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Dec
27th
2015

SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER! The Cynical Brony: Episode 23: "How Sorcerer Destroyed, Obliterated, And Outright Rekt Hearth's Warming Eve" · 4:08pm Dec 27th, 2015

How The Sorcerer Destroyed, Obliterated and Outright Rekt Hearth's Warming Eve


By


Sorcerer M Crainius


And


The Cynical Brony

------------------


Once upon a time, a long time ago


There was a village completely covered in snow


Now this isn't actually the subject. FOOLED YOU.


It was about a town in present time with ponies there too


Everypony down in Ponyville liked Hearth's Warming Eve a lot.


But The Sorcerer who lived up in his satellite did not.


Sorcerer: Cynical! Curse you for killing me again!


Cynical (over radio): No problem, friend!


Cynical lived in a city called Manehatten

Where all those who wrong him start to leak satin


Sorcerer: Nighty!


He said.


Sorcerer: I'm completely fed up! This holiday,


He growled, before starting to say;


Sorcerer: Makes me want to erupt!


For 4 f***ing years I've put up with it now!


I must stop it from coming....but how?


Nighty: You can stop rhyming for one. You're not Eminem.


Cynical (over radio): Say that again, and you’ll see my gun!


Sorcerer: SHUT UP, THIS IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT!


He shouted, then went


To the backroom which housed all the heaters and vents


Nighty: What are you doing, you idi-


(The air conditioner blows Nighty's hair into a shape similar to Celestia's)


Then...Sorcerer got an idea.


An awful idea


Sorcerer got a wonderful awful idea.


Sorcerer: You know, saying idea 3 times doesn't count as a rhyme.


Just promise, Narrator, that you'll do better next time.


Sorcerer hated the ponies. Now please don't worry.


It's because of his over-complicated backstory.


Sorcerer: Hey! *ahem*


I know just what to do...


Said the pony insane


As he put on himself a rainbow colored mane


He transformed into the princess of the sun


For he knew that on this day he had already won


And he cackled and cackled


Sorcerer: What a Sorcer-y mess!


With this neat disguise I look just like the princess!


BWAHAHAHA!


Nighty: You're a f***ing moron, Sorcerer.


You're a sucky, piece of crap.


You're a moldy piece of cheese who deserves a big ol' slap, Sorcerer.


If this show wasn't PG, I'd give your neck a snap!


Cynical (over radio): You’re a fucking more moronic person, Sorcerer.


Sorcerer: (not hearing Cynical and looking into a mirror) Yes, I am. My heart's an EMPTY HOOOOLLE!


Cynical (over radio): Well, step one of solving a problem is acknowledging it...


Nighty: Your brain is full of nothing


You don't even have a soul, Sorcerer.


Cynical (over radio): If I had to pick between you and the people who killed my family, you’d be feeling quite sore!


Sorcerer: Just ask the ponies down in Ponyville. They won't deny iiiiiiiiiit!


(Sorcerer's eye glows as he charges up a vehicle resembling Celestia's Chariot)


(It explodes)


Sorcerer: Sensors are a bit slow. BUT THAT'S WHAT THESE TESTS ARE FOR!


(Nighty facehoofs)


Nighty: You're a dense one, Sorcerer. You have cavities in your smile.


You have the sweet adoring scent of a huge garbage pile, Sorcerer.


Given the choice between you, I'd chose th-


(Sorcerer swings on a rope)


Sorcerer: HUGE GARBAGE PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLE (vomits).


Ahem


All I need now is two guards to pull the reins.


Narrator: But finding ponies to do his bidding was a bit of a pain


For when he stopped and looking all around


There were no pegasi, no unicorns no one to be found.


But did that stop the Sorcerer? No! Sorcerer said...


Sorcerer: If I can't find some guards....I'll enslave some instead...


So he knocked out his demoness, the one that he wed.


And he tied a big helmet on top of her head


Sorcerer: Fly this, baby


The crafty Sorcerer sneered


Sorcerer: And I'll do whatever you ask. I'll even hand you a beer.


Narrator: So he flew to Manehatten and soared through the air


And he came to the first little house on the square


He climbed through the chimney, a very tight space.


But he wasn't that graceful. He fell flat on his face


Cynical: Hey, get the fuck outta my place!


Sorcerer looked uneasy, he was ready to faint


He heard that this voice, belonged to someone satirical


He knew that this voice belonged to Cynical.


This was a sight that you would normally see


When doing a drug that's known as LSD


Celestia, in all her glory, was standing there


Shoving presents through the chimney without any care.


Meanwhile, Cynical began to swear.


But you know, Sorcerer was such a d***


That he thought up a lie, and he thought of one quick


Celestia (Sorcerer): Why, my sweet child, there is no need to be-


Cynical: Get the fuck out of my house. Right now. I don’t care who you are.


Sorcerer: But you see, my child, should I leave th-


Cynical: NO. GET. OUT!


Sorcerer: There is a bomb inside one of these presents


If one should explode it would be most unpleasan-


Cynical: I do not give a fuck! If it means getting rid of you, let the thing go off!


His fib didn't fool the Cynical brit


Cynical: I’m not British, you narrating twit!


So, upon his head with a bat, he did hit.


Sorcerer: Surprise motherbucker.


Cynical: Fucking OW! Jesus man! That hurt!


So he punched him unconscious with a bump on his head


He growled angrily and threw him in bed


Without any delay, he stuffed up all the gifts


Without any time loops or temporal rifts


And all the ponies asleep thinking R34 thoughts


Nothing but chaos, the Sorcerer did brought


Cynical, though, sat pissed off on a cot.


Sorcerer stole all the toys, all the gifts from last night


And he brought them to the satellite before the end of the night


Cynical: OBJECTION! YOU SAID THAT SAME THING TWICE! Seems I’ll have to make it right!


Narrator: Oh crap, are you really breaking the fourth wall?


Cynical: Of course, don’t you know me at all?


Sorcerer: You promised. Remember, you big Neanderthal!


Cynical: Fuck you, I’ll do whatever I want in this call!


Narrator: Oh fine. On with the story.


Before my nice suit gets bloody and gory!


Sorcerer: My poor little ponies!


The Sorcerer was humming


Sorcerer: They're soon finding that their holiday isn't coming!


Those lazy-a** idiots, I'll know just what they'll say!


Cynical: Just wait a day?


They'll stand there and cry: "MM WHATCHA SAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY"


Cynical: I don’t think they’d give a damn, anyway.


Sorcerer: Shut up!


Cynical: Learn your place, pup.


The Sorcerer stood there, drinking a beer.


Cynical: Keep that up and you’ll experience true fear.


Sorcerer: Quiet! There's a sound I simply must hear!


Cynical: Ah, am I making the wittwe Sorcerer shed a tear?


But the Sorcerer heard something quite queer.


Cynical: It was Rainbow and Twilight celebrating an early new year. ;D


It wasn't sad, why it sounded merry


Other ponies joined together

Despite the harsh weather...


Cynical: To watch a movie with Jim Carrey.


Sorcerer puzzled and puzzled and puzzled some more


But then he thought of something he hadn't before


Cynical: This whole thing violates MLP lore?


Sorcerer: Maybe....Hearth's Warming Eve...wasn't made to mock me


Maybe....this holiday...perhaps...MOCKS MY WHOLE FAMILY TREE!


Sorcerer dumped all the gifts in Equus' atmosphere


And blew up the planet while shedding a manly tear


Cynical:DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK!


He said with fear


Cynical: All my stuff was here! My family, my friends, my fanfiction…


Cynical: In fact, both these specials are a huge contradiction!

Cynical then prepared a very special spell,


Traveling back in time,


And sending Sorcerer’s parents, before he was born, to Hell.


Sorcerer: That's what you think


Sorcerer chuckled with glee


Your powers don't work for this satellite belongs to me


And that, my friends


Narrator: He said with a tug at his sleeve


Sorcerer: Is how I destroyed, obliterated and outright rekt Hearth's Warming Eve!


Cynical: You’re forgetting just one thing,


Cynical said with a grin


Cynical: I wasn’t in your satellite when I performed that spell, so I win.


Narrator: Sorcerer then killed Cynical and all his remains


Cynical’s Ghost: Fuckin’ seriously?


And then....everything...ran out of rhymes…


Cynical’s Ghost: This breaks all the canons of all times.


Trixie then kissed Twilight with all of her might


And Rainbow and her started to fight


As a nuclear explosion destroyed the Galaxy


Killing everyone like you and me!

***

And that's my fanfiction


Sorcerer said to his wife


And the acquaintances he had met throughout all his life


Nighty: That was f***ing awesome.


Cynical (over radio): Eh, it was a bit too full of strife.


Sorcerer got pissed and stabbed himself with a knife.


Peridot: And that, Crystal Clods, is my fanfiction!


Pearl: It breaks the fourth wall a lot doesn't it?


Cynical: I concur, nothing will quite fit.


Sorcerer: Hey, why're we still rhyming?


Cynical: Who gives a fuck, let’s get back to Christmas timing.


Trixie: And that's the Great and Powerful Trixie's fanfiction!


Rainbow Dash: ........wat?


Twilight: Uh, Trixie, I found more than one contradiction...


Trixie: Oh shut up, it's Trixie's AU! It's not real!


Cynical: That doesn’t change the fact that it sucks veel.


Sorcerer: I thought it was pretty good, but did it have to find rhyming as a Glitch In The Matrix? Rhyming's just...fun. Just go ask Zecora.


Cynical: Indeed, the people are asking for more....a.


Sorcerer: Anyway, I must go and attend to my cake of orange.


Cynical: Okay, I’m off to find something that rhymes with orange.


Sorcerer: Afterwards, I'm gonna fix my noisy

***

Door hinge.


Crowd: OOOOOH OOOOOOOH OOOOOOH! WOMBO COMBO!


Cynical: That rhyme made me cringe. No more rhyming!


Sorcerer: Merry Christmas, everybody! (Hums Hark The Herald Angels Sing)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlEIV_jlZMx0

Comments ( 1 )

lol You guys are funny.

Also, I'll always remember you Sorcerer. :fluttercry: RIP. Sorcerer 2012-2015 Fim Fiction. Last words "I'll have my revenge." I crie every tim.

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