Update on Livestream, Paranoia · 5:15pm Dec 25th, 2015

No, I didn't forget. Just ended up getting visitation rights to my brother for Christmas lunch, ended up spending it with him in hospital. Ended up watching him read my last blog post, cried like a baby at the author's note. Never seen that before.

Anyway! I'm pushing it back to New Years. The next socially acceptable time to be hungover the next morning. Sounds like one hell of a plan.

In the mean time! In the mean time!

When we left off with Paranoia, a big iron steam train had rolled in on platform A.

Off the train jumps some Yellow troubleshooters.

"Sorry we're late. We're Deborah-Y's Defenders, by the way. Final rundowns went way overtime. You guys seem pretty cool. You're not gonna get us in trouble by reporting us for this... right?"

Mad Scientist: "Is this the ST700"

"Yep! Miracle of modern science, ain't she?" Deborah clangs her hand against the wrought iron carapace of the beast. "Can hardly even tell she's here. Welp. See ya."

Communist: "Wait... The stealth field's on?"

"Of course it's on! That's why you can't see it without the goggles on." She takes her sunglasses off, and blinks, shaking her head. "Wow, that stealth field really is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Or not seen, right? Ha! Come on, guys, let's get out of here." They scarper.

...

Well.

Shit.

Well they check the engine. It's got no pulse-engine watchmacallit's or any knobs or gizmos. It's got a coal tinder. The turret isn't beta-ray projectors, whatever those are. They look like... flamethrowers. This excites and confuses the Mad Scientist/Pyromaniac of the group in equal measure. Even the dining car is wrong: It has tables and chairs, but not menus or silverware or nuthin'.

Well.

Shit.

Well least nothing bad has happ-

"EVERYONE GET DOWN ON THE GROUND RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW!"

ACK.

The players all drop without hesitation onto the platform. The Team Leader makes judicious note to fall onto his knees, then face, in a worshipping gesture. He's not wrong to do so.

A Green IntSec squad's shown up in full riot gear, heavy conerifles and riot shields.

Team Leader: "Excuse us, officers, but what appears to be the problem?"

"A MESSAGE WAS INTERCEPTED FROM JERROD-Y TO A KNOWN AGENT OF PURGE STATING THAT HE HAD CO-OPERATED WITH A TROUBLESHOOTER TEAM TO SET THE ST700 IN SELF-DESTRUCT MODE -- DON'T YOU FRACKIN' MOVE THAT'S AN ORDER -- AND MISSION HANDLER MOLLY-O-1 WAS FOUND SHOT DEAD IN HER CUBICLE."

Team Leader (Without a second's hesitation from the player): "Oh, yes, we obviously knew he was a traitor. He claimed to have filled out paperwork for R&D permission when the code was obviously in HPD block format. We just played along."

"INGENIOUS. BUT THAT MEANS YOU WERE DIRECTLY DISOBEYING THE ORDERS OF A YELLOW CLEARANCE CITIZEN."

Team Leader: "A traitorous one!"

"YOU SUSPECTED, BUT DID NOT KNOW THAT, RED. YOU BEING CORRECT IS IRRELEVENT TO THE ISSUE."

Team Leader shuts up, hard.

Communist: "Surely sirs, there's been a misunderstanding. The ST700 is still right here, after all."

"YES. THIS IS TRUE. BUT IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU WERE INSPECTING IT REGARDLESS, WHEN YOU CLAIMED YOU BELIEVED THE FORMS PERMITTING YOU TO DO SO WERE FABRICATED."

Communist: "Well-"

"MOREOVER, IT LOOKS INCREDIBLY SUSPICIOUS THAT YOU ACCEPTED PAYMENT FROM A MAN YOU BELIEVED TO BE A TRAITOR."

Girlfriend: "Oh. Oh I see."

Everyone else: "What?"

Girlfriend: "So. What you're saying is, if you were to, uh, reallocate that treasonous payment, which was forced into our bank accounts against our will, say, to some noble Green security officers of firm moral stance, there wouldn't be a problem."

"THAT IS AN INCREDIBLY ACCURATE SUMMATION OF EVENTS, YES."

Girlfriend: "Yeah. They want a bribe."

Everyone else: "... Oh. Oh."

Goodbye pay bonus. Hello lives.

Team Leader: "Thank you for being such vigilante watchmen officers."

"ANYTIME REDS. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR ASSIGNED OBJECTIVE."

They bugger off, yelling hup hup hup hup hup- the whole time.

Communist: "... are we allowed to stand up yet?"

Team Leader: "Give it five more minutes, just to be safe."

They do. They do.

Another hour goes by, now they're hassled by Molly-O-2, ever more fastidious about detail: If she'd gone by the book more, perhaps her first clone wouldn't have been shot in the back of the head? Rules are safe.

A dull roar comes up from Platform B's tunnel. IR protestors swarm the station led by an Orange citizen, Dennis-O. They're all chanting...

"BRING BACK SOYLIKE!!!"? with little signs saying that. Wha-

Okay. So here's what's happened; The protest has been scheduled to allow for Dutiful Freedom of Speech rights. However, it's been given a totally deserted subway station as its assembly area. However times two, though, nobody thought to check whether it was actually abandoned or just marked as abandoned because it'd been taken over as a secret research test center.

Oops.

Molly-O-2: "DON'T LET THE PROTESTORS SEE IT, THEY'RE NOT AUTHORIZED"

Team Leader: "It's okay, the stealth field's engaged."

The troubleshooters immediately corral them to that side of the station, facing away from the train which the protestors obviously can't see anyway with the naked eye. When from the other side of the station... three orange guys led by a yellow in a beret pour out.

A camera crew.

Team Leader: "What the actual f-"

Communist/Hygiene Officer: "Language hygiene!"

Team Leader "-lip is going on?"

Yellow Director (Andy-Y): "Yeah, look at that raw emotion, the camera loves you baby, yeah! We're here for the behind the scenes making of special of the ST700, yeah, showin' a big PR reel for it at the unveiling tomorrow."

As he says this, the protesters start a new chant: "More flavours, less fillers!"

Andy-Y: "You know what, we don't need this many extras, yeah, yeah, but I think it'll help. Yo, crew, follow my lead."

And to the Troubleshooters dismay, the crew start positioning the IR all along the train like props, still chanting the whole time.

Andy-Y: "Now, can ya turn the stealth field on for us? So we get the effect of these lot floatin'?"

Mad Scientist: "Oh, that'd just waste power. The polarizing lenses of your camera would render the train visible to your footage, anyway."

Andy-Y: "Man. That's a big flaw for a stealth train, huh?"

Mad Scientist: "Well, they're obviously still workin' out the bugs, right?"

Andy-Y: "I guess that's true..."

The protestors follow Dennis-O's lead. The chant changes.

"WE HATE KELP. WE HATE KELP."

Andy-Y: "Man. They got this all wrong. Why aren't they singing the stealth train jingle? They're supposed to be singing the stealth train jingle!"

Team Leader: "Wha- what's the stealth train jingle?"

Andy-Y: "Not my job, I'm just here to get the footage. You sort it out."

And then...

And then.

Communist: "OH STEALTHY! OH STEALTHY CHUG-CHUG!~ STEALTHY! STEALTHY THE STEALTH TRAIN! OH STEALTHY! OH STEALTHY (Chug-chug!) Come on, sing along, folks!"

Damn thing got stuck in my head. Perversity points dumped on him like mana from heaven.

But they didn't listen at first. Instead Dennis got annoyed.

"Grow food! Don't build it! Grow food! Don't build it!"

Andy-Y: "You guys getting this? Right, mic, on me." Coughs, clears throat, "And here we see the troubleshooter team failing to crack down on the subversion. Such treachery going on under their watch!"

Team Leader: "They're only listening to him because he's orange! You're yellow! You could help us get the footage you want, you know!"

Andy-Y: "Are you kidding? This is much better. I might get boosted up to Green for this. Yeah, baby, yeah, you see the producer parties the blues throw? You can't even get in unless you're green or higher, but then bam actual sushi! And I heard those cats swing sober for days!"

Dennis-O, then crowd: "Too many machines! Too many machines!"

What happened to the protest to bring back SoyLike crisps?

Team Leader: "Wait. Okay, so they just listen to whoever has the highest clearance telling them what to do?"

Pretty much.

Team Leader: "I taze Dennis into unconsciousness."

Good plan.

He twitches.

The IR stare at this. Stare at the singing communist. The Team Leader gives them a meaningful look. And then...

"OH STEALTHY! OH STEALTHY CHUG-CHUG! STEALTHY-"

Glorious.

Andy-Y takes the Team Leader aside. I actually leave the room with him.

Andy-Y: "So, this is all a scam, right? You can tell me. I've been looking into this cover up for years. We can be honest with each other. Tell me what's really going on. This is just R&D embezzling IntSec's budget, right?"

Team Leader: "I am aggressively not commenting."

Andy-Y offers ever more exhorbitant bribes, but Team Leader doesn't budge. Good man.

Finally: "Look, we still need to get footage of the stealth field in use. Except there isn't one."

Team Leader: "That your camera can film, because of the polarization. We said that."

"... yeah. Right. So, how we going to do this?"

Team Leader: "Kuleshov effect-" Did I mention we took the same film class in highschool? We're fuckin' nerds. "- Film the empty track on the other side, film the stealth train, then superimpose and mirror the footage of the other side of the track over it and it looks like it's faded to nothingness."

Andy-Y: "Right. But we'll need to pull all the extras off to do that, right?"

Team Leader: "And that, my friend, is officially your problem."

Andy-Y: "... fair."

So they do. The plan goes off without a hitch. The film crew corrals the protestors off, sweeping them down the tunnel with the grips carring the comatose Dennis-O with them like he's just another shotbag.

That's when they get Molly-O-2 screaming at them on their PDC's.

Rumours are flying fast and heavy.

Andrea-O's Avengers heard about your consideration of reporting them for incompetence! You had dealings with PURGE! And what's all this footage of you participating in a protest to smash the machines?

"-- AND NOW THE HEAD OF TROUBLESHOOTER CENTRAL IS COMING DOWN PERSONALLY TO INVESTIGATE! AND IF YOU MESS THIS UP, I'M SO FIRED. LITERALLY. WITH ACTUAL FIRE! AND YOU'LL ALL GET FORCIBLY DEMOTED! I DON'T WANT TO BE AN IR AGAIN -- UNLESS FRIEND COMPUTER DECIDES THAT I DO, I DON'T QUESTION HIS JUDGEMENT, NO!" She adds, all too hastily.

The team has about ten minutes to sort out what the hell they're going to do when a Blue citizen comes down here to deal with their reported incompetence. Ten minutes to work out cover stories, falsify evidence, and sort their shit out.

Nothing they could have done would have adequately prepared them for what came next.

End part two. Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion of the first campaign: The Stealth Train. Same bat-time, same bat-channel.

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