A horrid mess. · 4:41am Dec 21st, 2015

Whatever the hay this is, is what happens when I enter immensely informal competitions shooting for the highest word count in twenty minutes. Today I learned how inaccurate my typing is, and just how much time I spend just fixing it while I write. Holy crumb streusels.

Enjoy?

In the beginning, there was Twilight Sparkle’s [REDACTED FOR SFW]. And it said, let there be penut buter sandwiches. I laughed.

Because in space there is no sound, I didn’t sound anything at all. Everything turned into a blue haze and disapperead.

I woke up on the grass and coughed. “Fuck, Equestria? Really? I wasn’t just hallcinating?” My stomach growled at me, and I flailed my arms, and as they passed in front of my face I saw they had turned into hooves. Welp.

Hahahaha.

“fuck everything!” I declared. “I shall be the word sprint champion!”

By writing incoherent plots and aeverything else, too, I thought to omit.

unfortunately, Princess Luna can read minds when the mon si out.

She was standing next to me in a flash.

“Stop making fun of me,” she growled. “And stop trying to fix your typose. The problem at hoof is a word sprint. Just leave them behaind and go.”

I nodded and returne to flailing. A mass of words began to form at the horizon as the princess sat down comfortable n the grass next to me.

“You’re trying to enjoy ths,” she observed. “But you’re still thinking too hard and fixing your typos.”

I nodded again. I do a lot o fnodding when I don’t really have aything to say. Slowly, the pile of words at the horizon grew.

“You’re not trying to win, she advised. “Stop trying to fix even your punctuation mistakes and tliek let the li words flow through you. This is wyour wirdest fever dream ever.”

“Like you know anything about dreams,” I countered so wittily.

“She raised an eyebrow. “Really, child? An earlyhthinling what an I even saying. Sotp.”

I laughed. “No. I get that this is a dream, Princess. And thank you for the support. I don’t actually hate you.”

“I know. In your mind, I can dread your dreams. I mean, the other way around.”

“What happened to your moonspeak? “ I asked. She snortd indignantly.

“I do not speak ‘moonspeak,’ “ she said. I speak Old Equestrian, ad only when I am addressing Equestrians. You, on the other hoof, can’t even underttand the Canterbruy Tales. mean Tailes, o course. You don’t think a human wrote thouse, did you? My time on the mon left me desperately lonely, and with all the time I needed to amanifest in other realityies.”

“I did read those,” I resplied. “And I should let the words flow. I am going to gcreidt you the most greatly for the one whoere the ady convinceds a man to kiss her anus with tongue, though.”

“If you must. I have suffered far greater indicgnities.”

“I’m going to pull on your mane now.” And I did. She rolled her eyes.

“Despite what you are thinking right now, I am not a cant, and my tail is at the other end. Also, you just fixed a typoa gin . Stop that. .. beter.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll stiop harassing the alicorn princess from another reality who raises the moon and

“STOP FUCKING FIXING TYOUR TYPOS!”

Jeesh. “Okay, oay, I’ll try to stop, but it’s a difficult to habit break, you understand.”

“I do understand,” Luna said wth a laugh. “I was onc eas bad as you are now. How did you think the Canterlbury Tails were bupusbledpublished>”

“I think I get it. You were writing orrble fanfiction of earth as seen through the eyes of the Moon.”

“An astute but entirely wrong observational estimate, she said. “Actually, I manifested several times as a human, most reacently as Ayn Rand.”

“... you’re a horrible person.”

“Pony.” she corrected.

“I’m noticing you didn’t contradict that you’re horrible.” Her shit-eating grin could have done something spectacular. Instead, it just sat there on her face.

“Yep.”

“Your fanfcs of humans are horrble.”

“Your society is horrible. How do you get by in a capitalist world like yours? It is obvious that the syste you live under is set up to STOP FUCKING FIXING YOUR TYPOS screw the littl eman and actually 99% of men in order to feed the fat wallet of the 1%. Damnit, Ayn Rant’s eorks were supposed to be satire, not a suer manual for fucking over the planet!”

“You mean your works as Ayn Rand.

“yes.”

“Well, I’ve got news for you, sorry.”

“I know. The GOP. They’re horrible and I have no idea ho wthey reconcile their christian values with their near worship orf my anti-thsiesitic works. You have no idea hw much I regret writing that tripe now. And I am, for what it’s worth, so terribly sorry for ruining your country.”

“Eh, it’s not really your fault alone. But ess dialogue, more action, shall we? This i s a dream, as you said, correct? I want to test the limits of what can do.”

“First time dreaming lucid? You shouldn’t”

But I was already up and away, flying about lke abird.

Like a bird…

Wings rproudted from my back and it was painless. I beat them, and flew so happily. Luna was immediately flying nxt to me. “You can’t do this, “ she wanteed, and I didn’t listen. I was so ahppy to loop and dive and not fix my typos and so on. My wings grew feathers and I closed my eyes, crying out, “Look, Princess! No hands!”

What came from my mouth was a warble of notes.

I opened my eyes and tried to look at my nose.

My nose is not yellow. “No arms, remember?” Luna said as she watched me try to poke my beak. “I’m sorry, dear human. I’ll ghave to take you to my frind. You cannot immagine my sorry wat seeing this happen to yet another of you, but I promose you a new life full of fulfillment and wonders.”

The derream disappeared, replaced by Fluttershy’s cottage. That’s the story of How I came to be a member of the remier choir in ponyville: Flyttershy’s magnificanet singing bird quarttet. Sure, sometimes I missed being human, but on the plus side, being a bird means seeds are super, super, seuper fucking tasty. Fuck meat and I’ll never it eat again.

I am a happy canary just waiting for my coal mine.