Ponies Keep Me Alive · 12:33am Dec 11th, 2015
This is not a happy post. It's not fun for me to write. And I'm well aware that this will probably not be read, which is fine.
I am a sufferer of Major Depressive Disorder as well as have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Suffice is to say, my mood is usually very negative and sad. This has been the status quo for the last 13 years of my life. Over that period I have been plagued by suicidal ideation, a sense of despair almost always (including while I'm writing this), and the recurrent realization, whether accurate or not, that I am worthless. In the last two years, I have been in the psych ward three times.
Now I am not saying that since being introduced to MLP:FiM two-and-a-half years ago that my symptoms have gone away or even gotten better.
But what I am saying is that the characters and ideas of MLP sometimes get me through the day.
The only reason I am still alive is that I basically Pinkie Promised two people (one of whom made me do the hand gestures) that I wouldn't harm myself. And nobody breaks a Pinkie Promise. That sounds stupid, but when you're in my position, anything which makes you think twice about making such a final decision is worth exploring.
There are nights where the only reason I don't cry myself to sleep is because I imagine that a pony is there with me. Now I don't own any plushies (or any merch for that matter), so I will take a body pillow and use my imagination. Call me a faggot, call me weird, call me an idiot, but sometimes pretending to cuddle Fluttershy or imagining that Rarity is comforting me is the only way I can sleep.
In retrospect, this all sounds pretty juvenile and stupid, particularly for a 25-year-old man. But it's the truth. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason as to why something makes you feel just a little better. Sometimes there's no explanation for what a vivid imagination can do to your frame of mind.
It makes me happy that this show and this fandom exist. There are days when the only time I smile is from watching something pony-related or reading a good story here. There are times when it takes Pinkie Pie herself to make me smile.
Because a pony will never think I'm worthless.
~Hugz~
3609273 Thank you. ~Hugz~ BTW, how is your fic going?
It's going ok. I'm busy with other things but planning to continue it soon.-If you ever need to chat about anything just ask ^_^
3609635 I'll keep that in mind. Looking forward to the continuation of your story.
Awww thanx.- It'll be up soon.
On this shitty world? Nope, your just fine. Having "anxiety" or other "disorders" is just a bunch of bullshit some pharmaceutical corporations came up with to dope you till mental retardation sets in. Having "disorders" just means you see things for the way they are and have a brain and maybe a soul in there. Me, I dearly love ponies, what is not to dearly love about getting lost in a foreign world where you do not have to worry about half the shit going on just outside the door? I am older than you and ponies is one thing that has kept my sanity these past few years, frankly if ponies did not come along I would have lost a few more marbles and be short a full deck.
I suppose you could spend all day talking about the psychology of it all but it boils down to this: If you think you are the only one who finds this world maniacally depressive and not worth it... Think on how many are doped out of their eyeballs on drugs or take your pick of opiate. Someone will scream "life is not fair so just deal with it" and you are, you found a comfort in this hell hole, hang onto it. The world is a mad, insane and vile place, over six thousands years and no one is learning yet, so don't sweat it. If ponies makes you happy then fuck anyone else who says otherwise and that you need to stoop to their doped out, blind and stooped level. Figure out your own answers and just keep thinking no matter how bad it gets. Hang onto the things that keep you going (ponies) and be damned if anyone stops you.
Feeling depressed, suicidal and downright shit upon is the norm on this world for anyone who has started to see it for what it is. It is like George Carlin said: "Being born on Earth is getting a free ticket to the freak show, being born in the US is to get a front row seat."
Don't sweat it none. I am a man and older than you too and I dearly love ponies and would throw everything away in an instant to jump this hellhole and bugger out to Equestria and live in peace for the rest of my days. If imagining ponies and hugging them at night makes you feel happy then let your imagination run wild, gods knows I have, our imagination is all we have, never give it up or shut it down; anyone who tells you to: hell with them!
3612166 Thanks for sharing, man. Pretty much everything you just said is exactly how I feel about the whole situation. Stay classy and live the dream.