Why I Haven't Been Writing · 7:58am Dec 4th, 2015
For the both of you who remember me, I'm sure you've grown disheartened by my lack of content for the past year or so, and my occasional promise to return, which has so far only proved empty. I wish I could say the reason I haven't been writing was for the lack of time, but truth be told, I've got plenty of that on my hands these days. It's not lack of ideas or inspiration, either. It's closer to problems with motivation, but it's more complicated than just "I can't be bothered." To explain it properly, I should start with my reasons for writing (specifically One is Silver) in the first place.
I haven't touched it in a while, but there was a time where I wrote feverishly day after day. That's because back when I first started writing it, I was in a rather dark time in my life, and Silver was:
1. My pride and joy. When I posted the first chapters online, and even more so after all of horizon's help with editing it, people liked it. That felt good. I felt proud of it, and proud of myself for doing something well. At the time, it felt like the first reason I had to feel proud of myself in a long while. But as I learned and improved, I slowly became intimidated by my own expectations I set for myself in terms of writing quality. This has since been a major contributing factor in a viscous cycle of procrastination.
2. My retreat. Being honest, I'm an escapist by nature. Thinking about worldly concerns has always been a major stressor to me, and I almost compulsively find ways to get away from it all. For much of my life video games did the job, but during a particularly rough year of high school, there was too much work to do in a given day to get the permission from my parents. So instead I turned to sneaking writing in class, when I could afford not to pay as much attention. And when I couldn't write about it, I could at least obsess over it to much the same effect. (And obsess I did.)
3. My "obligation." That's what I called it back then, but in truth the same could be said for why I stopped writing it: it began to feel like something I was forcing myself to finish instead of something I was doing on my own terms. But why did calling it my obligation help me write it back then? Because I needed one. Sad as it was, back then was a time where I needed a reason to keep on going, and Silver provided me with a sense of purpose. Fortunately, I've been sorting all this stuff out over the past several months, and no longer feel the need for that kind of lifeline, but as a result I've also stopped clinging to Silver so closely.
In other words, a big part of why I haven't been writing for Silver is because I've since been getting mentally healthier in recent times. I've sought help, and received it. Silver is no longer something I need. The thought of working on it more still intimidates me, though, and procrastination is still one of my worst habits. (It's always sad when the thing I'm using to escape becomes the thing I'm trying to escape from. 
)
That all said, I do still hope to finish it. Not because I feel pressured to, but as a favor to myself, and to prove to myself that I can (my same reasoning behind getting my first job, the thought of which had always terrified me). My attitude toward it has changed greatly, and I feel more distanced from my own story these days, but that's not to say my heart's not sill in it. There are even some parts I now feel embarrassed of formulating into the main plot, but I think I'd rather keep them in there than trying to rework the whole thing.
I'm even considering trying a new approach to writing it to play better to my current train of thought regarding it. It used to be that I would obsess and hyper-focus on the current chapter I was writing, but lately my thought patterns have been more sporadic, jumping across different points in the story. I feel that if I just write what comes to me as it comes to me, even if it means starting a chapter in the middle, writing a few paragraphs for it, then putting it down to start another one, then at least I'm making progress and have something to work with towards a rough draft. It might make update times unpredictable, but better that than never.
For the few of you who cared enough to read all this, thank you, and I hope to make up for my absence soon.
Better mental health is a good thing to hear about. Take care of yourself.
What 3591645 said. We get a lot of ourselves wrapped up in our creations, but if drifting away from that particular story is a sign of your personal growth and healing, I think I'd call that acceptable collateral damage.
Writing in bits and blobs (as you suggest) as the inspiration comes might be a good way of dealing with that, or giving yourself permission to work on other projects. (If you only ever write one thing, you won't be able to put all the benefit of your experience into your magnum opus.) Either way, it's great to hear you're doing well.
3604591
I'll see how well the bits and blobs approach works for me for now. As for the other projects, I don't need to give myself permission to start, what I need is the control not to start projects willy-nilly. I'm rather notorious for starting project after project that I don't see through to the end. The trail I leave is lined with the graves of a thousand unfinished ideas. But I'm determined not to let Silver meet that fate, and even with my history, I can't just give up hope on starting new things.
As it happens, I'm currently trying to prepare a Pathfinder campaign to run with my friends (it will be my first time GMing). I'm also working on a programming project that's slowly gaining momentum; it's a text-based, open-world space travel adventure deal. I'm trying to focus on setting up the game system before moving on to the content (which I'm hoping project followers will help me contribute in the future), but I have at least some starting material.
Here's to yet some more intimidating long-term commitments! (At least they're fun, right?)
Sound very similar to my relationship with my story Emerald Fires, which is my pride and joy. However, whereas your obligation was all that motivated you, and you're healthier state of mind has taken you away from it, MY obligation has always lined up equally with my passion. my story developed while I was in High School, and I spend 2 years molding what it would ultimately be until I began to write, and now 4 years later, I'm happy to still be writing it.
I'll even revise it as I go to fix things I feel don't work like I originally thought.(shipping an aged up Spike with Rarity still embarrasses me to this day)