Critique Review: Their Hearth's Warming · 8:59pm Dec 2nd, 2015
… … … What?
You could at least try to be a little festive.
Look, I’m not the festive type of pony!
We will see about that next month.
Speaking of which, hello everypony, I am the Critique.
You are probably all wondering why we have that music playing. Well, I’m making a personal sacrifice after last year. I agreed that if I indulge Computer for her favorite holiday, then she will indulge me during my favorite holiday.
You know your favorite holiday is not a real holiday, yes?
Shut up!
So, in keeping with the spirit of this holiday, I am going to review some … fitting fics. And to start off the season, let’s take a look at Their Hearth’s Warming by ThunderChaserCreate
I don’t really have a lot to say about this holiday that shouldn’t surprise you. It’s based off friendship. Something I despise. And getting along with people, no matter how stupid they are. Also, something I hate. So, this is not my favorite holiday. But in keeping with the spirit of things, I guess I have to give this fic a fair review. So, let’s not waste any more time. Let’s begin…
Our story begins with some descriptions about the cold air and the snow before we get started. Setting up the scene for what is about to happen.
The snow fell softly, the tiny flurries fluttering down through the air to rest gently on anything still enough. The cold air froze our noses and ears, turning them odd colors as we moved through the snowfall. Adults trotted quickly, huddled in coats with their muzzles tucked into scarves.
Because snow is not at all in the least bit beautiful and no adult can possibly enjoy it.
During this time, Pinkie Pie hides to throw snowballs at unsuspecting ponies. Kind of a dick move really. I mean, I could understand if she was in a snowball fight with a group of kids or something, but it just says passersby.
Pinkie Pie, of course, took mostly the same approach as the fillies. She had spent nearly the whole storm tucked away in an ally, hurling snowballs at unsuspecting (yet thrilled) passing foals.
Wait… what is that?
the whole storm tucked away in an ally
the whole storm tucked away in an ally
ally
UNACCEPTABLE! 0 out of 10! Review over!
Oh, like you have never made a typo before.
That’s because I’m perfect.
One of the characters, that is referred to the first person asks for Pinkie to stop throwing snowballs at children. Turns out that the character talking and narrating the story is actually Twilight.
"Why should I? Winter is the most splenderifically funtastic time of year! It's cold and fun outside, and warm and yummy inside! I mean, really, what's better than this?" she explained, dragging her tongue through the snow on the top of a carriage.
And then she got a splinter in her tongue. Happy Hearth’s Warming!
I smiled inwardly. She was right. Who doesn't love a good snowfall?
According to a couple paragraphs ago, the adults.
It turns out that Twilight needs Pinkie’s help picking out a tree to put up for her first Hearth’s Warming as Princess. And Spike feels that since it is such a special occasion, they should have a large tree to celebrate. I take it, like my niece, he never saw the Charlie Brown Special.
Pinkie gets distracted by a pony dressed as the Spirit of Friendship, who apparently is a large stag from this description.
Pinkie bounced excitedly at the back of the line, waiting impatiently as several other little fillies thanked the kind stallion for the candy. In return, the stallion bowed his head, touching the shoulders of the foals with his fake antlers and fluttering his large, white wings.
Ah, so the new OC alicorns have antlers instead of horns. It would at least be different.
Twilight, despite being the Princess of Friendship, says that she doesn’t believe in the Spirit of Friendship, but Pinkie says that he’s as real as they are. I mean, if he was a magical deity that could alter reality on a whim or a demon fog with eyes and fixation for crystals, that’d be one thing. But the Spirit of Friendship? Well, that’s just crazy.
The two manage to get to a place to buy trees only to find that Applebloom and Big Mac are actually running a stand to sell trees. Funny, I didn’t know that Applejack’s family was investing in pines. Actually, the two are standing in for the pony who normally sells the trees. My guess is they get a percentage of the profits.
Pinkie manages to find the perfect tree for Twilight and after some debating, and by debating I mean, Pinkie Pie did this…
Twilight gives in and agrees to purchase the tree. However, after hearing the price tag to be fifty bits, I guess the guy who owns the trees doesn’t like business that much, she starts to have second thoughts.
Applebloom quickly intervenes and says that the price is a misprint and that it’s only five bits. Twilight is suspicious at first. Rightfully so, since the descriptions of the tree says that it will barely fit in Twilight’s tree. Don’t take that out of context.
But Applebloom ends up convincing her that the price is right and Twilight makes her purchase.
Pinkie and Twilight manage to get the tree home, but all throughout the journey, Twilight can’t shake the feeling that something was odd with Applebloom.
Hey, Pinkie? Did you think Applebloom was acting... weird?" I finally brought up the odd subject.
No more weird then that time she tried to make a pony buy apples that she didn’t put into her bag.
Pfft, sure you didn’t.
Pinkie Pie claims she didn’t see anything strange, but that’s the kind of airheadedness I kind of expect from her. But she also claims that the Apples always act weird this time of year. Twilight isn’t exactly sure what to make of it, but Pinkie explains that every time winter comes around, the Apples start to act strange.
Twilight manages to get the tree into place and Pinkie wants to invite the others to help decorate the tree.
"Ooh! We can make pretty invitations with candy canes inside, and we can make like a GALLON of cocoa and we can stay up all night and have a Secret Spirit!" she rambled, bounding about the room.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Well, they're like these red and white sticks that--" she started to explain.
You shove up your cooch… No, seriously. Someone thought that was a good idea for a story.
It turns out that a Secret Spirit is like a Secret Santa most humans perform. Everypony gets a random name and they have to buy a gift for that specific pony. It’s usually done around work places or with groups of friends.
Before Twilight can really agree to it, Pinkie gets overly excited and rushes off to gather everypony else to Twilight’s tree house. The group gathers around as Pinkie promotes the idea. Twilight is the first to draw and the name on the card shows ‘Applejack’.
10 bucks says she gets Applejack an apple based gift.
Oh, look an ‘Apple’ Iphone. Hilarious.
The rest of the group continues to pick names out of the hat, while Twilight takes Applejack aside to ask her what is going on with her. Applejack explains that she’s fine, but Twilight isn’t buying it, much like she didn’t when Twilight wanted to go to the zoo.
Before Twilight can push Applejack more to hopefully get some answers, a knock at the door arrives. Twilight answers it and it turns out to be Big Mac and Applebloom. Apparently, they tell Applejack something, but we aren’t told what yet. This causes Applejack and her siblings to leave, with our group worried about them.
So far this story has been pretty good, but I do have to mention this scene. I realize it does set up some really good intrigue, but … I don’t know it feels kind of rushed to me. There isn’t a lot of content between the bits where they draw names and then Applebloom and Big Mac arrive.
It’s not bad, because the story is moving, but it’s not really taking it’s time with it, like I feel it should. Maybe letting the story slow down a bit would have helped and having the characters have a little bit of fun and enjoyment, showing us that, and then having this harsh reality come down on them.
But that’s just my opinion on the matter.
Anyway, the next morning Fluttershy bursts into Twilight’s house to talk to her about Applejack. She says that the Apple family has gone bankrupt this holiday season. Hey, I only did that once! This is not my fault!
The rest of the group (excluding Applejack) then follows slowly afterwards explaining the same thing. Twilight’s annoyance mirroring my own, so points there. They explain that they have no money for decorations or trees or anything a traditional holiday family would have and believe that they need to do something.
Not really… but I’ll get to that later.
Twilight thinks it’s a bad idea to put into the Apple’s problems without being invited or being told what their problems are. And I want to bring up something that I’ve been called out on. Remember how, in the past, I’ve said that Applejack’s pride shouldn’t be a problem thanks to the Applebucking episode. Well, another example was brought to my attention in the episode introducing the Flim-Flam brothers.
The Apple Family was content with dealing with them on their own… until things started going bad for them.
The point is, much like Fluttershy not being able to deal with her fear permanently, Applejack struggles with her pride frequently. It’s not something that’s just going to go away and it’s something that’s going to stick with the character probably for the rest of her days.
In this story, this seems like something Applejack, scratch it, the whole Apple Family would do. Not ask for money from strangers or charity from others, because they depend on themselves to provide. Because they come from a line of ponies that didn’t ask for much help to begin with.
Anyway, back to the story, Twilight and the gang realize that they need to help Applejack and her family, but they aren’t sure how yet. Twilight says they need time to prepare a plan.
A couple days pass and we still don’t quite know what their plan is. Twilight holds her little get-together at the library where most of the characters that matter are invited. Let’s see we have… Applebloom and the other Crusaders. Fluttershy is there, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Applejack, even Big Mac and Angel Bunny make an appearance… Is there anyone missing? Anyone at all?
No… I can’t think of anyone either…
Anyway, Twilight tries to force the holiday spirit onto the Apple Family, but they don’t seem to be much in the mood. I’ve got to admit, this is both really odd for Twilight and really in character for her. It kind of reminds me of the ‘Look Before You Sleep’ episode, where Twilight is really trying to force a sleepover, even though she knows it’s a disaster.
It’s kind of a nice little nod there, intentional or not.
When that doesn’t work, she goes to Fluttershy in the hopes that she has a better idea. Fluttershy, unfortunately, doesn’t have any ideas either and it looks like Twilight isn’t going to have any gift for Applejack and her family for Hearth’s Warming.
Just get her what I get everyone…
What? It fits your character. It’s a book!
So, what’s the best thing you can do to get someone into the holiday spirit?
Fluttershy and I agreed that you aren't having enough fun," I told them both, "So we're going to have a snowball fight."
Pelting them in the face with snowballs when they are not interested in such! I think some pony’s taking some bad lessons from Pinkie Pie.
So, the group goes outside to prepare a snowball fight with each other and surprise, the Apple’s actually start to have a good time. Which is more than I can say for me… This is probably the weakest point of the story so far. The snowball fight is pretty much glanced over. I mean, I know it’s probably not important to know who hit who, but this could have been drawn out a lot more than it did.
The snowball fight is over in just a few sentences. It would have been more interesting to see Applejack and the other members of the Apple family a bit more reluctant to play. You can still keep the end result, with them smiling and laughing and having a good time, but I would have liked some build up to that moment. In fact, this is the first paragraph of the snowball fight.
I crouched behind a short wall of snow, a stack of freezing snowballs under my stomach. I could feel the top one clinging to my fur as each of the two teams whispered to each other about strategy in tense excitement. Even Applejack and her brother were grinning now, preparing to unleash a storm of frozen fury upon the other ponies.
The scene could seriously end as soon as it begins since the goal of the scene is already achieved by the end of the first paragraph. There is literally no reason for the scene to continue now. It almost feels kind of cheated. How many ponies do you know that are like ‘bah humbug’, but then after a second, they are all ‘Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!’ It takes a little bit of denial, and time to get them to open up to the idea of having fun.
This should have built on that, but it didn’t and this whole thing feels unbelievably rushed.
The group goes back inside and we get this strange conversation between Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy and Twilight about the snowball fight without even mentioning Applejack or the rest of the Apple Family. Did they just go home or something?
I guess they realized their plot was wrapped up so… Might as well.
And then, even odder, Pinkie Pie outright tells Twilight what Applejack wants for Hearth’s Warming, instead of Twilight getting into a discussion with her. In fact, for all this story tries to focus on Applejack, it has very little of Applejack in it.
Even in fan fics that focus on Applejack, Applejack isn’t even liked! Wonder what she’d do if she found that out?
Cruel? Yes. Funny? Oh, yes!
Just … come on, story! What is wrong, man? You were performing so well. Why? Why are you making such amateurish mistakes?! You started strong… The middle is just so weak here. I hate to say it, but the story is honestly starting to lose me. All you have to do to change my mind is end strong… Please tell me you at least do that!
Anyway, Twilight wonders what to do about Applejack’s wish list, but figures that it’s too late in the night to do anything about it, so she decides to sleep on it and hope for ideas.
Twilight wakes up the next morning and sees a trio of presents underneath her tree. A spell that can change the colors of her coat, a pair of fake antlers and… a sled… For Applebloom. All that she ever wanted.
… *Sniff*...
Sir, are you alright?
I-I’m fine… I’m fine…
So, Twilight… dresses up as the Santa Clause… I mean, the Spirit of Friendship… and takes her tree from her home and gives it to the Apple Family. She makes her way to Applebloom’s window, below her delivering the sled and tree with her magic. And the Apple’s have a happy Hearth’s Warming because Applebloom got her sled, but a few days later the bank had foreclosed their home and they were forced to eat the farm animals to stay alive. But at least, Applebloom got her sled.
Alright, alright, that last part didn’t actually happen.
But, you probably all guessed it by now…
This fic is… okay…
It’s not good, it’s not really bad. It’s just… okay.
This story has some serious issues at the last half of the story that make it difficult for me to enjoy. The writing tends to have too much talking head syndrome sometimes. Several scenes are rushed out, like the author didn’t have enough time to dedicate to it before posting it, and probably the biggest offense of all, for a story like this, is Applejack.
This story needed to focus more on Applejack, since this is the focus of the story to begin with. And while she does have a few lines and does a few things in the first half of the story, the second half focuses more on the rest of the main six, instead of who is should be focused on.
Now, I’m not saying that you have to change the point of view from Twilight to Applejack. You can still keep Twilight as the narrator of the story. Keeping it from her point of view. But Twilight needs to interact with Applejack more. She needed to interact with Applejack a lot more. She needed to interact with her more when she wasn’t enjoying the party. She needed to interact with her more after the snowball fight. She needed Applejack to be the one to tell her what she wants for Hearth’s Warming.
Wouldn’t have that had more of an impact? Where Applejack confesses that she can’t give Applebloom what she wants for Hearth’s Warming, because they can’t afford it? Tears rushing down her eyes as Twilight offers to help, but Applejack’s pride won’t allow her to take Twilight’s money for something she is responsible for? Seeing the sense of failure in Applejack’s eyes at her inability to keep her promise to her little sister, who she has been forced to become a mother to?
That would have been more heartbreaking. I wish I could have seen that in this story. But no. We get Pinkie Pie telling us about it, rather than showing us it.
But for the flaws this story has, despite them being glaring, there are some things that I did enjoy. Like I said, I like the setup in the first half of the story. While there were a couple moments that felt rushed, the setup was good in the beginning with the Apples acting strange and not wanting to lose Twilight’s business is really interesting. I really wish the story had done more with that, it built a good mystery.
And the characters themselves are actually pretty good. Admittedly, you don’t get to see too much of Rainbow Dash or Rarity, Fluttershy, or unfortunately, Applejack. But Twilight was actually written well. Which was a rare moment for me. And Pinkie Pie. This was probably the best written Pinkie Pie I have seen since xjuggernautx’s Easy as Pie that I reviewed almost 2 years ago.
That is a long time without a good Pinkie Pie.
However, these things… for me… aren’t not enough. The strong beginning doesn’t justify the weak ending that we have. The lack of Applejack hurts this story for me because it doesn’t ever feel like the focus is ever truly on her. It always feels like it’s trying to throw in someone else into the story. Trying to give attention to the other main six, because the story is afraid that Applejack can’t carry the story by herself.
I really tried to like this one… I really, really tried… But… for all the good I found in it… I can’t overlook the things that I felt … just were not as strong as I felt they could have been for the build up in the first half.
I have to give it a thumbs down. Not because it’s a bad fic, but because it feels incomplete. If this story had a few more days to work out some of the fine details and polish a few things, I would have had no problem giving it a thumbs up.
If you enjoy the story, there is plenty to enjoy and I completely understand why you do. My opinion should not ruin something that you enjoy.
But for me, I just left a tad disappointed… Not angry, but disappointed.
Anyway, that’s it for this week. You may now send me your hate mail at ‘critiquetheidiot@dumbass.net.
Until then, have a good day guys.
There is no joy in the realm of Mykan.
Which one's that again?
Heresy! This fic is of the Devil!
Darn shame; that's a classic for a reason.
Reading through this the first time, I thought it was because their parents died around Hearth's Warming Time. Rereading it again, it's a bit... odd that the Apples would never have enough money at the end of the year every year and no one would do something about it, considering how prominent they are around town.
Artistic License- Economics on my part, and I know this happens to a lot of people around this time of year, but it's still odd.
"Applebloom's actually a transforming robot alien. sorry we couldn't tell you sooner."
There's nothing wrong with wanting a story to go a little slower; it helps us get more engaged and connected to the characters.
But Pinkie said that this was a recurring theme, that the Apples were always a little off during the holiday season. So is this a recurring thing, or not?
I can see where you're coming from. Some stories have great buildup or start out great, and then just don't deliver in the last act (*cough*Legend of Korra*cough*). It happens to the best of us, and we can only look on at what could have been.
Looking forward to the rest of the month. If you're strapped for ideas, I did do a short side story to Mare of Steel that's set during Hearth's Warming Eve. You've probably got this season lined up, but there's always next year.
3587816
But that's the biggest problem I see in this fic. This fic could have and should have worked. But the ending just felt... rushed. Not uncaringly rushed. But rushed all the same. And I wish this fic would have made more of an impact on me. But the ending just didn't fit the rest of the story as far as payoff.
Damn, that almost sounds like a threat Computer. You are going to be bound and determined to make him cheerful on Christmas, aren't you?
It was actually the threats, wasn't it?
I enjoy it a lot! I just hate the cold that makes it.
I think Computer gave her preemptive auto correct to that. Just saying.
I can see why Computer insists on trying to change your disposition to the holidays.
Still, I can't help but see what you described, actually happening.
And imagine the magic one of them could control with those. I mean they would be like a big antenna arrays, compared to the popsicle sticks for horns the smaller unicorns have. Feel the magic!
That is what I would call, Pinkie persuasion. It's all in the eyes.
Actually, that time I wouldn't have. For me it was, "what you see, is what you get."
Who could forget that one?
Something even far more disturbing, is the nautical term Pegboy from old sailor/pirate ships.
Something more behind that, I am not aware of?
I think this story might have reached the point of obvious. The Apples are being so much more generous then Rarity herself this time of year, they wind up broke as well. Perhaps, before they even get gifts for others. And have to learn the lesson that it is their generosity that they give out to everyone, is already gift enough.
Or something like that. I guess I will see.
Applejack didn't learn anything? Or maybe it's me that is missing something.
Poor guy. I'd feel that way too if I was feeling left behind in something.
Seems to happen to him a lot in stories.
It also reminds me of what Applejack tries to do in the 'Hearthbreakers' episode. That did not go over well either.
Perhaps Twilight should have asked Angel for some ideas, like Fluttershy did. Oh' he'd comes up with some ideas!
I am sure once she get's the idea of this joke, she will say like a Canterlot snob, "We, are not amused!"
Pinkie Pie, like more then once. But she is also, usually a special case.
Hay Pinkie, I hear your friends are avoiding you and don't really like you.
No, wait they are really just throwing you a surprise party.
OK' I will admit to a cruel chuckle as well, in spite of myself.
I mean, I really like Applejack, but that picture... So sad.
Didn't Disney have something at the beginning of the animated movie 'Mickey and The Beanstalk' where Donald tries to eat the cow, Alive!!!
Yes, Twilight is sometimes
a little too much in stories. Seeing that she is supose to be the leader, of sorts, and the overall smartest of the bunch, she tends to be shown to be not quite with it. Though she has had her off moments on the show. 'lesson zero', for example. 
But she can be on her A game most of the time when it really counts. 
Now that truly is sad.
Sounds like this story could use a bit of a remake, or lots of good touch up, that does not seem all to far from impossible. Just add more with Applejack in it. And make it more personable to her, and her family's troubles. Nice.
Something tells me something is off about that e-mail address. As in off the grid. But I'd hate to just go with assumptions now.
I thought that was Sweetie Belle.
3587816
3590604 Well, there is a fic on here ( Called "Applebloom, Transform and Roll Out!") where she's actually a Minicon or some such that got stranded in Equestria and took the guise of a baby pony (not that she remembers this)
3591077
That reminds me of that cartoon Beast Wars. I had saw about every episode to that. I did not see as much of the following show, Beast Machines. I was not as much into that one, for some reason.
If the story "Applebloom, Transform and Roll Out!" was a sort of spin-off from Beast Wars, I think it would make more sense. There was an episode were some of the bots went into a dream state and went feral for a time, and forgot what they are, as they all acted like the animals they partly are.
3590604
By any means necessary.
Well, Critique is low brow humor.
The only character I actually enjoyed from Witchcraft is magic.
3598183
Computer you got your work cut out for you. Good luck. If you can, try and steer him clear of any bad fics, at least for the next few weeks that should help I think. Though your work would be cut out in that as well, seeing he as a gift for finding them, and there seems to be a lot of them to go through.
I never paid much attention to Witchcraft is magic. So I know next to nothing about it. Makes me feel a little behind in the times.
If it is what I think it is, seems to be a little like the Mentally Advanced episodes by Dawn Somewhere. I like the remake on episode 03 The Ticket Master. That and the Rainbow Dash Presents shows. Haunting Nightmare, and Bittersweet are my two favorites to those.
3600801 See, I actually liked the Mentally Advanced series. It was actually clever in its humor, where as Witchcraft is Magic was like Littlekuriboh starting out if Littlekuriboh was shit.
3600861
So I guess I am not missing anything then, and that Sweetie Bot vid is possibly the best thing to come out of it? That vid is damn funny to me. I also showed it to my dad, the end made him laugh. Sweetie Bot tumbling down like a slinky. Ow! Ow! Ow!