So You've Been Given Your First Death Threat... · 6:59am Nov 9th, 2015
Jesus, what time is it?
Perhaps the better question would be why are you not wearing pants.
It’s more comfortable. And it’s hot.
Can you at least remember your name?
I’m tired; I neither woke up from a coma after thirty years nor did I step into a portal that shreds all my clothes. Of course I remember my fucking name.
Shame. I always wanted to see if those portals really worked. Oh, and it’s almost midnight. This is the Internet; you’re safe here.
So, why are you asking me what time it is?
I woke up here without my pants. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t wearing pants before, so the lack of pants doesn’t concern me.
Perhaps you not wearing pants was the impetus for your memory loss?
Maybe.
You live in a college town. Do you like to... I’ll just say “party” and leave it at that?
I don’t party.
Well you did just get done with work. Do you like your job?
No.
You passed out in relief upon coming home then.
Yeah, let’s go with that.
It’s better than needing to bury another snitch in the desert.
Yeah. Wait, what?
I AM NOT FUCKING GOING BACK!
Jesus, okay man. Chill.
Are you at least in your own room?
Yeah. I’ve been doing a fair bit of writing.
Cool. Been going at that novel of yours?
It’s not actually a novel...
So what have you been writing about? I see a lot of megabytes there.
It’s... cartoon fetish porn.
Your forearms must be pretty strong.
Fuck you.
You sound like you’ve been doing that to yourself quite a lot.
Fuck. You.
Hey, to each their own. If you want to slap the one-eyed man to the beat of a winking pony vag, that’s your prerogative. What do your fans think?
Most that read it like it so far. Hey, I got some more reviews!
Awesome. Since you don’t really need my help after all I’m just going to—
Well fuck you to then.
Bitch, I will bury you in a place so deep you’ll be on a rerun of 48 Hours.
Oh. Nevermind.
That’s a first.
Who even posts on Fanfiction anymore?
It’s a long story.
Huh.
Huh.
You get these often?
That’s got to be a first.
Well, congratulations, you just received your first death threat!
Thanks? I think?
Hey, Anthony Hopkins killed a couple people and got a fucking Oscar for it.
I’m pretty sure that’s a quote from something.
Man, what kind of weird fetish shit do you write?
Whatever comes to mind. Breasts, more breasts, some futanari—
Is that some kind of salad?
Nah, but it goes well with tossed salads. There’s one on two ladies getting drunk and going at it. One with her breasts producing cider... You seem less quippy now.
I see posters of women with beer dispensers on their tits in the bar bathroom. Someone writing about it doesn’t surprise me.
At least this one thinks you done fucked up if you’re going to hell this easily. She seems to care about you quite a lot.
All of these were posted at the same time.
She must have a lot of friends. Do you know what friends feels like?
No.
I’m beginning to see why you write fetish porn.
What does the devil do to those that write fetish porn?
I remember something about lovers being stuck together or some shit from Dante’s Inferno. Perhaps before you were unconscious you killed your lover and need to dispose of the body and will see her in hell? Or he; I don’t judge.
I don’t have a girlfriend. Or boyfriend.
I can believe that.
I can smell through your condescending bullshit.
I get it now. He thinks you’re his sister.
Huh? Wait, where did you get that from?
He wants to destroy you because you’re his sister.
Dude, I’m not wearing pants so I can tell without a doubt that I am no one’s sister. Wait. Oh. I get it.
It took you a moment.
Yeah, because that show ended its run over ten years ago.
So are there others that comment on your story other than nebulous trolls giving nebulous threats?
Yeah. I post on another site. It’s been positive there so far.
What has the world come to what racists are more polite?
So what am I supposed to do?
What do you mean?
I got my first death threat. What am I supposed to do?
The delete button’s there for a reason you fuckwit.
Congratulations! Why?
You have successfully dealt with your first death threat! Should you desire any more advice, comment on my shit now, and please consult guide, A Pro’s Guide: Learn to Fucking Troll You Amateur.
Congrats, this calls for celebration.