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Nov
4th
2015

Critique Review: A Hero's Rebirth · 10:02pm Nov 4th, 2015

Hello, everypony! I am the Critique.


Do humans suck?


I mean, we all know that ponies are the superior race. We can make music a thousand times better than they can, we have a Goddess who can take over the humans by torturing us rather than them because we are so awesome, and every fucking human on Earth would rather live here than where they live. Even though we want nothing to do with them, coming to our world, saving our lives and fucking our mares.


But does that give me excuse to hate them?


Of course it fucking does! And I’ve finally found a story that shares my hatred of the multi-digit species, A Hero’s Rebirth


This is a story that has such a low opinion of humanity that it actually makes me smile. By giving them the proper bashing they deserve, this story makes sure everyone knows that all humans are stupid by… making the main character a human and worshiping him like a god!




Why does Celestia hate me?


So, let’s review A Hero’s Rebirth by Lunar Star.


Our story starts with our young hero waking up at the sight of a unicorn.

A young man was sleeping soundly in his bed, he had just slowly opened his eyes and seen a dark tall figure hovering over him. He lay there for a moment, frozen in shock. His eyes scan the shape of the figure in the darkness, only the light of the moon shown through his window outlined the creature before him. “A unicorn?” He said groggily. He quickly grabbed the katana beside his bed but was too late to do anything else as the dark figure touched its horn to his head and a wash of light came over him.

Yes, our main character just picked out a katana from nowhere. Okay, I love katanas too. Don’t get me wrong, but who keeps a katana next to their bed unless your from Feudal Japan?! The only reason I can see that you would keep that weapon next to your bed is if you are trying to make an ironic statement about nerds and their swords or you think it makes you badass! It’s only badass if it makes sense! It’s like you just wanted to have a katana there for the sake of… having a katana there! Who are you? Suda 51?


So anyway the unicorn touches him with it’s horn and speaks it’s magic words.

“Your powers are needed now. Go forth and uphold your oath.” It was then the young man blacked out.

And by uphold your oath, I mean, sleep as soundly as Soren the Alicorn!


The kid wakes up in a forest. And here’s where we start the add points to the unoriginal plot points that were done much better in other stories. Because our character woke up in the Everfree Forest. Awakening in Equestria with little to no backstory on his human life. Meeting the Main Six. The Main Six instantly taking a liking to him. And of course, the human not freaking out about being in a magical land of talking horses.


And yes, the story does say that he’s a fan of the show. But even then, you were just taken from your home and teleported to another world with little to no chance to get home! Freak out a little, damn you!

“You are a human I knew it. But wait a minute I thought humans where myths? What are you or more importantly how did you get here.” She stared at him for a moment or two before he spoke.

Twilight says that she’s never seen a human before and that she thinks that they are myths. And yes, I did check the date, it’s before Equestria Girls.

Yes, yes, I know you all wanted me to harp on that, but I can’t harp on what isn’t an issue.


So, Twilight, not in the least freaking out that a human exists and knows her name, takes the human back to her home to fix him up. Ooo, another point for one of the Main Six having to play doctor with him.


Soon, his score is going to be off the charts.


The two start heading for Twilight Sparkle’s place when suddenly a huge rumbling happens nearby. The two investigate and find a huge impact area, as if something massive had just hit the place. Oooh, I can see it now, Fluttershy Vs Godzilla! In a surprise twist, Fluttershy actually loses.


Add another point to the scoreboard, because the two are suddenly attacked by um… a creature according to the story…

The two hardly had time to react as a large head lunged for them. It struck the ground just beside them, launching the two in different directions.The human shook his head as he looked up to see the creature’s face. Getting to his feet the young man drew his sword and readied himself as the beast lunged again for him. He quickly side-stepped and swung a horizontal cut at its neck but it did very little. “Damn it.”

Turns out the creature was actually this…



Truly a terrifying foe.


He manages to pull out his katana and slashes at the creature, but it doesn’t do any good. Starting to think katana went out of style with the introduction of guns! He closes eyes and… does … something… I don’t know… I’m sure it has something to do with bullshit powers he has for bullshit reasons.


In Canterlot, Celestia and Luna discuss about the arrival of their new friend um…. human…. Yeah, we don’t actually know his name yet. They sense the human’s power level and believe that he is the chosen one they have been waiting for this whole time. I think that was like seven points in one go.


Luna and Celestia discuss what happened with him several thousand years ago and apparently this guy gave his life to save them making them forever in his debt. Also, Celestia is in love with him.


Whoa, stop the presses, people! We actually have a main character who is in love with Celestia and isn’t the Grand Ruler! This truly is a dark day for all Equestria!


We cut back to the human and Twilight who are dealing with the butterfly from earlier. Twilight then notices that the human is using the power of the force to send the several thousand pound butterfly soaring thousands of miles away! Yeah, starting to get a sense of how much bullshit we are in for.


The human passes out and Twilight tries to wake him up. When she realizes she can’t, she picks him up and takes him to the Everfree Forest. Add in a scene where she forgets she has magic.

Seeing that the human she met was not moving and she did not want to leave him there, she thought for a moment. “Uh duh I have magic.” Giggling to herself because of her own forgetfulness, her horn began to glow and it generates and aura around the man and his sword. She then trots off back to her home With the young human and his weapon floating behind her.

Yeah… the human can use magic whenever he wants and Twilight forgets that she has magic. Just another thing to add to the pile of ‘Things that piss me off regardless of whether they are warranted or not.’


We cut over to Celestia and Luna who can no longer feel the magic in the Everfree Forest. Luna thinks that something bad has happened, but Celestia doesn’t feel that way. However, Luna realizes that Celestia is still grieving, even after all these centuries… I guess for the convenience of the plot, characters don’t move on.


Celestia goes back to her bedroom and picks out a letter that she got from him. Again, several thousand years ago. I’d think the wise Celestia would have found the wisdom to move on. She reads the letter about how much ‘I love you, Celestia. I worship you, Celestia. I can’t spend one minute without you, Celestia’. Seriously, that’s almost the exact formula of the letter. With almost every sentence starting with ‘I’ and ending with ‘Celestia’.


And who is the letter by? Take a guess. Take a wild fucking guess. Just take a guess in this situation, who could the letter be by. Who is the one fucking name in all of Equestria that we know about, for sure, that the letter could be from?! You know you’re right! I know you’re right! So, let’s all just say it together.

Yours Eternally and a day

Lunar Star

That’s right! We’re in self-insert territory now! I told you these points were going to get ridiculously fucking high! Now, again, I’m not against self-inserts in a story, but don’t hold yourself on this pedestal of being better than everyone else! Already, he is more powerful than Twilight and has an intimate relationship with Celestia with little to no reason for it. So, there is nothing for him to earn! Celestia already worships the ground he walks on and by the end of it, pretty much every other character will too!


For little to no reason!


A good story has something difficult for the main character to obtain, that’s what holds the story together. Whether it be survival, a friendship, a peaceful solution to a violent problem. Either way, a story has some kind of obstacle for the hero to overcome. What obstacle does he have?! I know it’s only the first chapter, but I just have a feeling that there is nothing to overcome here! Like so many stories about self-inserts in the past, there is nothing for our hero to gain, because there is nothing that the author feels this character needs to learn.


I’m sorry, that doesn’t make me invested. That doesn’t make me relate to him! If you want a character to be relatable, give them something that they need to learn. And I’m not talking about ‘learning magic to defeat an evil being’, I’m talking about something to struggle for. Something that makes him human and not a tool to defeat an evil being.


And if I have to explain what that means, you need to rethink this character.


So, anyway, the human wakes up in Twilight’s home where Twilight explains to him what a Hydra is and what happened during their battle with it. That’s not what I meant by learning something!



Twilight asks why the human knows who she is and the human explains what My Little Pony is and how he masterbates to pictures of them on the internet. And, big fucking shock here, Twilight is not bothered by this at all. Yay, why would she be?


And then we finally learn the name of our main character and you remember that freak out I had a little bit ago with Lunar Star and how I thought that was a stupid name. … Well, the story … miraculously… managed to come up with an even stupider name. Are you ready?

Look it’s not important, just know that I know whom you are. As for me, name’s Tom but my friends call me Stargazer or Star for short if you want.”

No! NO! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO!


Stargazer?! Fucking Stargazer?! Are you kidding me?! Your friends actually call you this name… unironically?! I mean, I could understand if this was a login name online or even a LARP character name, but … there is no context. There is nothing there to tell me that is really what it is. It’s just… I’m Stargazer.


Fuck it, I’m calling you, Harry Balls. I can honestly take that name more fucking seriously than I can fucking Stargazer.


The next day, Harry wakes up in Twilight’s house, where he discovers that Twilight has received a letter asking her to investigate the disturbance in the Everfree Forest.

Dear Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student


It has come to my attention that an odd occurrence has transpired within the Everfree Forest. I would like you and your friends to investigate this for me as I am unable to do so myself. Take great care however as I know that there are dangers within those trees. I will be awaiting your full report upon your return from the Everfree forest.


Your mentor

Princess Celestia of Equestria

Translation: :trollestia: I am too much of a lazy bitch to get out of this bed and do it myself. Lack of responsibility for the win!


Or is it #lackofresponsibility? That’s me… always jogging about six miles behind the times… And the times is in a rocket car.


Anyway, Spike had some issues with Harry because he’s a strange man who knows more about each of them then he has any right to, but Twilight sees absolutely nothing wrong with that.

“Uh Twilight he’s not dangerous right? I mean he has that thing you brought with him.”


“It’s called a sword Spike and yes you are perfectly safe. Star would not hurt you, he’s just confused about how he got here.” Spike gave the human a quizzical look before shrugging it off and returning to his duties.

And it sure doesn’t take much convincing for Spike to see it Twilight’s way. I’m so glad this was an important plot point.


So, Harry asks if Twilight can teach him about magic and Twilight begins to show him basic levitation spells. Which Harry masters instantly. See what I mean by nothing challenges our little snowflake?


We then cut over to Celestia who feels Harry’s power. She asks the guard to bring Luna to her to investigate. Next scene.


Back in Ponyville, Twilight’s friends arrive and Rainbow Dash has her dick meter turned to 11. Though to be fair to Rainbow Dash, I would probably treat him the same way.

“So let me get this straight. The princess asked us to go and check on something that happened last evening in the Everfree Forest and you believe it to be this guy?” Rainbow Dash pointed to Tom.


“Hey I’m not this guy. I have a name you know.” Tom stood his ground with a large bruise on his arm.


“Oh yeah how about I call you mud or would you like another beating.” The cyan pegasus floated before him.

So, question for all you out there, if Rainbow Dash is best pony, why is she a bitch to everyone who meets her?!



And just to make our character more likable, when Rainbow Dash taunts him, Harry draws his sword on her and threatens to cut her open like a stick of butter. How relatable. Threatening everyone’s favorite pony all because she made fun of your stupid haircut. Because that’s the mature thing to do.


We then cut to Celestia who tells Luna that Harry has returned and that he is in Ponyville. Luna thinks they should go and meet him, but Celestia tells her that they need to be patient. And if you are confused because you thought it was actually Celestia that was in love with him and not Luna and thus, why would Luna be in such a rush to meet him with Celestia being the calm one? Well, that’s because you actually know what the fuck you are doing. Hold onto that. Never. Let. Go.


Seriously, wouldn’t it make more sense to have Celestia be frantic since she is actually in love with the guy and Luna is the one who tells Celestia that this is how it needs to be, giving her reassurance? Obviously, this story has its head up its butthole too far. If you couldn’t tell by the atrocious grammar.


Meanwhile, in the Griffin Empire, a griffin says that they felt a powerful surge of energy coming from Equestria when they were spying on them. Cause as we all know from one griffin, Gilda, all griffins are dicks. (Goddamn you, season 5! Fucking up my headcanon!)


Anyway, the griffins recognize that power as Lunar Star from centuries ago. Wait, does this mean that the griffins are as immortal as Princess Celestia and Luna? How many immortal beings are there?!



The Griffin King, Greaves, threatens that if Lunar Star is alive, then it is only a matter of time before the griffins kill him. Wait, I know who I’m finally supposed to be rooting for. Of course, with how greedy the griffins are and how greedy I am, you’d think I wouldn’t be racist against them.


To be honest, this is one of the few scenes in this story that has actual intrigue to it. I am quite curious what the griffins are up to. I’m sure I’ll be disappointed by the end of it, as we wait several hundred chapters for them to make an appearance again.

Six ponies and one human made their way into the deeper part of the Everfree Forest. Rainbow Dash flies over the trees, relaying anything she may see to those on the ground.

Well, it’s a good thing that somepony can see something through the sea of trees! You don’t have X-ray vision, Rainbow Dash! At least, not in this canon!


Twilight and the others search the area for about five seconds before giving up.

“Ok here is where I ran into Star before the Hydra attacked and he tossed it away. So we should start looking here and see if there is anything out of the ordinary.” Twilight trotted around, looking through bushes and shrubs in hopes of finding any kind of reason for Tom being there.


“This is getting us nowhere. Twilight there is nothing here.”

I would say the pacing in this thing is fucked, but I think that last two paragraphs just made my case for me. I didn’t cut anything out. That’s really how it is written.


So, after Twilight and only Twilight, spends about thirty seconds searching the surrounding area, they decide to pack it in. However, they are suddenly attacked by the butterfly from before. Oh, good, a villain from before, who is using the exact same tactics as before and was defeated by our hero with ease, is attacking the hero again. Truly, this story is a master of upping the stakes.



Also, fantastic job of being our lookout, Rainbow Dash! I can see that you flying above the trees was really useful!


Our Main Six cower in fear of the Hydra, even though they’ve faced a Hydra before, but I guess Fluttershy isn’t in the story yet since we have not seen or heard from her. But thankfully our hero, Mr. Balls, is there to save them with a massive teleport spell that he has never trained in or has any memory of doing.


I’m really starting to hate this character.

By now it was no longer a surprise to Celestia or Luna that they felt Lunar’s power surges.

By now, it should also no longer be a surprise that we cut to Celestia feeling Lunar’s power surge every time he does something. And these segments usually last about 50 to 60 words maximum. They add nothing to the plot and only serve to stop the story to remind us that Celestia is still in it. I think we have good enough memories that we can just know that Celestia is still in this story, thank you very much!



After teleporting to safety, Harry passes out and Twilight does what she should have done when she first met him. Write to Celestia about her discovery. It’s not season 4, yet. You can still write letters to the princess about these kinds of things.


We then get some kind of dream/flashback sequence about Harry being an alicorn and leading the armies of Equestria against a mysterious enemy. It’s pretty fucking pointless except to tell us what we already know. That Harry is a special snowflake and if you can somehow stomach all his bullshit without having thoughts of suicide, you need mental help.


Oh, and this mysterious enemy they face? Don’t worry, we’ll get to them later in the story. Trust me, you’ll be thoroughly disappointed.


He wakes up in a hospital, where he seems pretty fucking ungrateful.

Tom slowly woke from his sleep to the sound of beeping. “Great, I’m in a hospital”

I wouldn’t be too much a bitch, Harry. Not every character gets to the hospital when they need to. This is about the only good thing the Main Six have done!



Unless he’s worried that he’ll find Dr. Cox here…

During his stay at the hospital, Harry tells Celestia about the time Lunar died right in front of her, reminding her of her pain. You are totally going to score, dude!



But, it turns out that, like me, Celestia is a masochist and is totally fine with making out with this human who happens to have the soul of her dead boyfriend. Love has no barriers, I guess. Even though this is probably considered necrophilia.


After their make out session, Harry talks about how he hates it on Earth and why he felt like he never belonged. Buddy, I don’t think the reason you don’t belong on Earth is because you are actually an alicorn who Celestia will come to make love to, I think it is because, you’re a pretentious git!


Don’t believe me, take a look at this.

When I was on Earth I always felt different, like I didn’t belong there. I had very few friends and none of my relationships really lasted. I was dealing with stress on a daily basis, shedding tears at night because I knew that there had to be someone out there calling to me and there was nothing I could do about it.

Oh, no! Dealing with stress on a day to day basis?! Wondering if you’ll be able to make that rent payment, groceries, holding down your job, reading, reviewing every week, getting your vehicle fixed up, taking care of your aging parents, going to school, trying to improve your writing?! No, that’s not fucking stressful at all! And anyone who says otherwise is clearly stupid!


I mean, you are dealing with … Um… You… have… Actually, what the fuck are you dealing with?! Seriously, there is no fucking context to this statement! There is nothing to suggest that his life is any more stressful than mine or yours or anypony else’s!


Hey, you know what people in the human world do when they have stress in their life? They fucking cope! This isn’t living up to the responsibilities of real life! This is fucking running away! Not that we are given anything you’ve run away from! For all I know, you’re just fucking petty!



Anyway, the Grand Galloping Gala is next week and Celestia wants to invite Harry for some ‘private time’. This story could not end any quicker.


The griffins continue to spy on Equestria and the griffins think it’s bad to actually spy on their allies. … What?

“That’s not what I mean. Greaves has lost it, look what he’s planning. A war on Equestria, a war against one of the few allies we have. Not to mention one of the strongest Kingdoms.”

Wait, so the griffins aren’t the bad guys? Then why did psycho king lose his mind back there when they mentioned Harry?! Furthermore, why are they spying on Celestia, instead of warning her to be careful around him?! That would be far more interesting! Fuck Harry Balls, I want to know more about these griffins and why they are spying on him! They sound leagues more interested than this character!

“So this Gala?”


“The Grand Galloping Gala? Yes what about it darling?”


“What’s it like? I heard Twilight talking about it before I left. She said that it’s held once a year?” Tom had figured since he was going to be here a long time, he had to get out and get to know that town.

I would like to remind you all that this character knows about the show My Little Pony and has seen all the episodes. So much so that he feels a special connection to the characters every time he watches the show… So, my question is, how the fuck does he not know what goes on at the Grand Galloping Gala?! They had an entire episode focused on it! I know a lot of people didn’t like that episode, but it was there! Maybe he read the bad reviews on it and decided to skip it.


Yeah, I can feel that special connection.

“Well darling, the Gala is a very regal party. All the upper class ponies from all over Equestria come to congregate and discuss dealing and the like. Though one has to receive an invitation from Princess Celestia before they can attend. Twilight, myself and our friends attended last year and... well things did not turn out as well as we had hoped.”


“How do you mean?”

Yes, Rarity, explain to this character who has seen every single episode of the show how you had a bad night in the episode ‘Best Night Ever.” I’ll just be over here, digging my eyes out with sharp pieces of glass!



Sweetie Belle appears and, of course, is not at all freaked out by the strange creature she has never seen or heard of. In fact, Sweetie Belle thinks he is the coolest thing eva’, fer shizel! She takes Harry on a tour of Ponyville and the Crusaders admire him for his ability to be written into the story as the main character. A talent that every other character that enters Equestria possess and yet it still manages to impress.


Meanwhile, Celestia continues to prepare for the Gala, only for us to be reminded of a much better story.

Thank you everypony, that will be all for today.” Celestia said from her seat above those who where in her throne room. As they filed out one of the servants stopped and waited till everypony else was gone.


“Your highness I hope I’m not being to bold in saying this but... you seem different.”


“Different? How do you mean Dusty?” Celestia raised a brow.

Wait, I know this twist! Dusty is actually a ghost! This is about necrophilia!



Celestia tells Dusty about the Panther War. Apparently, a race of beings called Panthers attacked Equestria long before Discord was a thing. They wreaked havoc on Equestria and only one hero, the savior, was able to defeat them.


We then cut to Sweetie Belle and Harry as he explains his time on Earth. And you remember when I told you guys this story is so racist against humans that it makes me happy. Well, that’s because I’d like to believe this story wasn’t actually written by a human. But by a race that hates humanity as much as I do.

“Wars, Sweetie Belle. Throughout my time on Earth there was never not death or destruction. Humans, well most humans are savage and barbaric. They would rather kill each other then work things out.” As soon as he spoke he covered his mouth and turned quickly to the little unicorn.

Don’t worry, Harry. If God of Two Worlds has taught me anything, is that we just need to keep killing each other, until God finally steps in and says “Would you kids just get along?”


What? I’m sure it’s going to happen sometime!


It’s also good to note that humans are completely incapable of trying to solve things peacefully or trying to better oneself. I always thought Abraham Lincoln was kind of a swell guy. Good to know at heart, he was a dick. Maybe Anne Frank was wrong when she said that deep down all people are good at heart.


Seriously, Harry, go fuck yourself! Or is that barbaric of me?

“Yes...” He kneeled down and smiled to her. “You are right. I just... I see this place and I see a paradise. No wars, nopony killing the other for no reason. There is peace here and even though I grew up in a world where there was nothing but stress and turmoil, I longed for a place like this. I feel like, like I belong here.”

Oh, yeah. There is certainly NO stress in Equestria. I can see that… With the bullies, the robbers, the supervillains, the pricks, the monsters that can eat your face, the shapeshifters that steal your identity, the evil magic that can take over your body, the financial difficulties of maintaining a business, or pretty much anything that would induce stress! What kind of messed up fucking world did you live in before you came here? Probably the depressing world of Frank Miller.


The Cutie Mark Crusaders return to Rarity, impressed by all the magic that Harry was able to perform. Would you like to see it?


Well, here you go…



She’s adorable, even when she’s doing something completely disgusting.


Yeah, we never actually see anything that would tell us what kind of magic he does. So glad we were SHOWN these things!


Twilight and Harry continue to do research at the library, proving how fucking useless Spike has been this whole time.



Aww… Wittle Spikey’s butthurt.

Twilight quickly turned and stared at him. He said that so fast right after she did that she snickered. “Who knows, you might even be Lunar Star.”


“Maybe but I think the odds of that are slim don’t you? I mean a human mysteriously brought to another land where he used to be this all powerful being just to save it from destruction. It sounds like a bad novel if you ask me.”

Ha, ha, ha, ha! You have no idea what irony is, do you?


Also, way to spoil the ending. I really want to read and continue this story now. Again, this is assuming I was enjoying it in the first place.


Celestia arrives at Twilight’s library where she asks Harry to go on a date with her. Twilight starts freaking out and Celestia explains that Harry is actually the alicorn she is in love with.


Yeah… remember that bad novel you warned us about? The one that would be stupid? … This is it! You just did it! Not even a fucking chapter later! And you really want me to judge this as a good story?!



So, Celestia pretty much posts all over Equestria that Harry is now her boyfriend and everypony just kind of accepts it. Hey, the story doesn’t care, why should they?


Celestia and Harry go on their date, which is of course, the most perfect date imaginable, which ironically, makes it the most boring fucking thing here. I know that they are supposed to have already had this relationship thing before, but it’s not interesting. He’s not interesting. He’s every Mary Sue character that existed before this was even a thought. He doesn’t have anything interesting about him and he doesn’t give us anything we haven’t seen before.


This is just another story about fantasy fulfilment for the author because apparently ‘humans suck and Equestria is better than you.’


I’m not invested in this relationship because I don’t give a crap about Harry to begin with. He’s pretty much a blank slate or a paragon of awesomeness that makes me want to puke with how unrealistic he is. He cooks, he cleans, he can do magic, he’s an awesome swordsman, he’s a philosopher, he can manipulate time and space, he can see into the future, he is the most attractive thing in the universe, he is never wrong, never starts a fight, is the only brave thing for miles, is misjudged by people who just ‘don’t get him’, even though they have no reason to, he can write poetry that can make the mares swoon.


Kind of see where this is going? He’s just not relatable! If I don’t find him relatable, I am not going to be happy when things are going well for him, nor am I going to be sad when something bad happens to him!


Urgh… Anyway, as if this story could not get any more cringe worthy, we, of course, have to the ‘first date sex’ scene. Thanks for that… That’s totally what I wanted to see. Another fantasy about a human fucking a horse. Because I don’t see that every fucking week!



The next morning, Luna walks into the room and is shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, that a man that Celestia is in love with, would dare have sex with him!



I know! Disappointing right?!


Luna explains that she’s lucky that no one else found out about them because there would apparently be riots in the streets. Even though, they were perfectly fine with them making out in public, but whatever, there is so much more stupid to go through.


They go to breakfast and Blueblood is mirroring the reaction of the audience…

“You can not be serious? You expect us to eat with this, this peasant? He is not even a pony for the light’s sake and yet here he sits as if we were equals? This is an outrage.”

The first line of intelligent dialogue spoken.


Celestia tries to defend him, but is shot down by Blueblood. But not to worry, Princess Celestia, your knight in shining armor is here to save you from those hateful comments that are 100% right! Kind of like the SJW.

Tom waved it off as she sat into his seat. “I care not what blood runs through your veins. I remember hearing about you and your arrogance and attitude. Always looking down to others just because they were not born with a silver spoon in there mouth. It’s ponies like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”

But as soon as Prince Blueblood finds out that he’s the main character and a prince, he backs down and apologizes! YAY! Titles and fame does matter! What was that line you said before?

Tom waved it off as she sat into his seat. “I care not what blood runs through your veins. I remember hearing about you and your arrogance and attitude. Always looking down to others just because they were not born with a silver spoon in there mouth. It’s ponies like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”

And yet you stop a pony by telling them you have a bigger silver spoon in your mouth. Hypocrisy, much?


Also, remember how much I said that human suck. Well, the story… I guess tries to make a statement that says ‘Humans aren’t so bad.’

“Humans are a barbaric species, I know this all to well. They kill without mercy and destroy without thought of rebuild. I wouldn’t be lying if I said that the universe might be better off without them. But that is not to say that all humans are such. There are those among the whole who show unwavering compassion and kindness. Those that think only of others rather then themselves. Those humans such as they are, are few and far between but it dose not mean that they do not exist.”


Tom glares at Blueblood. “Those few humans in the face of oppression, hatred and violence still would rather give you the shirt off their back then to watch someone freeze. They are more noble then you will ever be in your entire life. Nothing you say or do will ever change that. Nobility is not a birth right. Nobility is doing what is right, no matter the risk.” He then looked to Celestia. “No matter the risk.”

Wait, so humans suck, but they don’t suck? Make up your fucking mind! Go all hate for humans! Or go all love for humans! Going back and forth like this without some kind of example is stupid! And if you say that ‘because I’m human, that is the example’ as you’ve stated in this story, YOU’RE NOT FUCKING HUMAN!



We cut back to the only interesting thing… The griffins, as King Greaves tells his griffins that once he has the Ring of Power, nothing will stand in his way. And to be honest, he acts more like a villain from He-Man than he does any actual realistic villain. Not that most villains in the franchise are that realistic anyway. So, I guess I can’t harp it too much.


We then cut to Cadance and Harry talk about Celestia and how much Harry is in love with her. It’s long and boring and doesn’t really tell us anything we don’t already know. Story, Harry put his dick in Celestia’s cooch, I don’t think you could have made that any clearer!



We then get some backstory on Harry becoming a knight. And it’s so not interesting and not at all investing, and pretty much has nothing to do with anything as far as the story is concerned, that I’m just going to skip it. Believe me, I’m still about 20 chapters out from the end. I’m doing you a favor.


After that, a flashback occurs with Lunar porking Celestia, right before he proposes to her. Caught in the heat of the moment, Celestia obviously says yes. I guess that’s how I’ll get Rarity to marry me. Now, all I’ve got to do is convince her to have sex with me. How do you think she’d respond to that?

I sure hope that was a scream of cheer, otherwise, I will be very offended!


Harry wakes up in the middle of the night, depressed because he just realized that Celestia’s only in love with Lunar and not Harry. However, Rainbow Dash appears and is all buddy-buddy with him now. When the fuck did that happen?


And in fact, Rainbow Dash is so happy to see Lunar that if Rainbow Dash was male, the zipper on her pants would be straining itself by now.

Hey uh Lunar about the day we met. Look I uh just wanted to apologize and well...”


With warning Tom felt a kiss laid on his cheek before the pegasus took off back to her cloud and flew away. Tom sat there a bit in shock and lightly places his hand to his cheek. He smiled softly and closed his eyes.

Oooo, is this going to be like Soren the Alicorn where he cheats on one of the princesses with Rainbow Dash? And when the princess finds out she’s like ‘Meh, what do you do?’ And you wonder why the relationships in the human world weren’t going so well? Maybe the problem isn’t humanity, bro? Maybe the problem is YOU!


Blueblood, Luna, Celestia and Cadance have a discussion about Harry, when Blueblood asks if this is really the same stallion who wanted to marry her some odd thousand years ago.

Isn’t obvious Blueblood. Celestia loved and still dose love him. It was only natural that they would marry.” Cadence added.


“Well I suppose but still, for as long as I have know her she has not ever taken a look at any stallion.”


Celestia looked to them and smiled. She could always find comfort in those closest to her. “To answer your question my dear nephew, I could not bring myself to be with another stallion. Lunar had known Luna and I since we were little. There was a large piece of me missing when died.”


“And now that he has returned?”


“I could not be more happier.”

… Okay, this just went from weirdly stupid to dangerously psychotic… So… Celestia has not only not moved on from this guy, but she depends on him to be happy. That’s… insane. I mean, I get it, losing a loved one sucks. It hurts! I get that, but… this is… kind of freaky. She will not allow herself to be happy unless this guy is by her side…


What if… by some chance… he was interested in someone else?


Lunar Star: Wow, Celestia it’s great to see you again.


:trollestia: Oh, Lunar Star! I’ve missed you so much! Take me back as you once did!



Lunar Star: Oh, Celestia. You’re a sweet mare and you know I love you, but… I’m in love with the Critique.


:trollestia: … What?


Lunar Star: Well, it just sort of happened. He got talking to me. I got talking to him and… we both decided, we love each other. We are actually getting married next year and I was hoping you could help us with the planning.


:trollestia: But… you’re mine! I waited for you! Waited for you for over a thousand years! Every day I cut myself for not being able to be with you, hoping that I would die and we would be reunited in death! And we would love each other… As. We. Once. Did.


Lunar Star: Look, I’m sorry, but… I was dead for over a thousand years… Ponies change…


:trollestia: Well… I’ll just have to cut out the competition.


Lunar Star: What do you mean?


:trollestia: I’m going to kill every single creature in this world until you and I are all that’s left! Then… we’ll be together… forever…



Now, that would be FAR more interesting that this!



Celestia decides to take Lunar to Cloudsdale to see the new Wonderbolts, with Lunar casting a spell that can make him fly without wings. Because, sure.


Meanwhile, in the plot, the griffins continue to search for the Ring of Power in the Tomb of Kings, which they will use to conquer Equestria. This would mean something if the characters in the story knew what was going on or even knew that the griffins were a threat. So far, the villains seem to be just waiting for the heroes to notice them and give them attention!


And because we haven’t had a sex scene yet and because this story has the maturity of a 15 year old, the griffin king gets one of his slave girls to have sex with him. Not that it wasn’t fun watching griffins have sex with each other, but what does this have to do with anything?! I’m serious, this sex scene comes the fuck out of nowhere! I mean, I’m not against sex scenes in a story! SHUT UP, I’M NOT!


But this comes straight out of left field… It’s like the story knew that it was incredibly boring, so it had to throw in a sex scene in the hopes of getting a couple more likes! I’m sorry, but I like my sex scenes to have build up and context! Not just thrown in there for the sake of having them!


Anyway, the villain thinks of evil schemes while the female griffin sucks him off. I guess if you’re going to think about evil schemes, it might as well be while you’re distracted.


Meanwhile, Celestia introduces Lunar to Spitfire and we learn that Lunar is not only the leader and the first Wonderbolt, he was also the founder and started the Sonic Rainboom when he was a toddler. Just keep on worshipping yourself. You can’t hire a griffin girl to do it for you.


BAM!

After meeting with the two trainees, Celestia asks Harry for advice on what to do about her new Wonderbolts. Yes, ask the human who has no flying experience for advice on something he has no business giving advice on! Be like asking Fluttershy on advice about ballsing up.


So, with how much sex Celestia and Harry have had, and with zero amount of protection they’ve been wearing, Celestia is expecting a child.


We then get a flashback that shows Lunar’s parents were killed by Diamond Dogs. Well, if Mykan’s unicorns aren’t strong enough to deal with Diamond Dogs then I can safely say, alicorn parents stand no chance.


Also, forget about the Diamond Dogs. They play no part in the story.


Anyway, the guards finally find out about Celestia’s affair with Harry, and like the evil guards that they are, they try to stop them from having their fun. Almost as if they are mirroring the audience's thoughts.


But the wonderful, great, fantastic, all powerful, magnificent Harry Balls (which is a more appropriate a name than I realized) stands up for Celestia’s right to fuck whatever she wants.

“Fools, you know not the one of whom you accost!” A purple aura swirled around him as he spoke. “So for those who can not fathom the notion, listen well. I am Lunar Star, protector of the Royal Sisters, guardian of Equestria and Lord of the Star of Aegis. Countless lives have fallen to the might of my hooves and I shall watch countless more before the underworld takes me again. All shall know my power and despair!”

And from that day forward, Celestia was free to bang potted plants at her leisure.


So, yeah, this came right out of nowhere. Only halfway through the story and we’ve decided to add in this ‘I’m possessed by an evil being plot’ as well as the ‘Evil griffins doing evil things, but the heroes don’t quite know about it.’ I wonder how badly these plot points will be ridiculously rushed.


Speaking of pacing, I’d like to take a minute to discuss the pacing of this story. It’s so fucking slow! All that really has happened is that Harry meets the Main Six, meets Celestia and has sex. That’s all that has happened with this character. I’d be fine with all this if Harry was given some kind of personality that made him the slightest bit relatable. But thank god, that isn’t an issue. Because then, I’d have to actually give a shit what the story thinks.


The only interesting point where the story seriously thinks about threatening to come to life is in the brief griffin segments. I know that with me skipping every other scene makes it seem like this story is going by rather quickly, but this story is padded with the most unnecessary scenes in the history of padded scenes!


Did you want to hear about what Lunar’s parents were like? Did you want to hear about the moonlight flowers with Luna? Did you want to hear Twilight being jealous of Harry spending more time with Celestia than she does? Or the fact that she is in love with him? No, of course you don’t! Because this story never uses them to build something! They just serve to waste our time!



So after a few scenes of Harry getting a servant, a suit of armor and a long ass explanation of why he has the armor he has, we finally get to the rest of the plot.


Apparently, the griffins have finally found the Ring of Power. We have no idea how they found it, where it was, why they have it suddenly, but who cares, we are making headway in the plot! With the thunderous speed of a slug taking depressants ramming his head into a brick wall!


The next time we see our hero, he is heading to Zecora’s place and remember when he didn’t know what the Grand Galloping Gala was? Well, it turns out there are a lot of things that Harry doesn’t know about for being a fan of the show!

“So a Zebra named Zecora, why am I not surprised.”


Tom made his way through the forest a good bit before he came upon a tree home. Outside was decorated in native masks and charms. “Hmm reminds me of the African culture. Course though right. Zebra, Africa.” He chuckled before knocking on the door. When no pony answered, he knocked again but the second time the door was open. Tom peeked his head in and looked around.

Excuse me, sir, but aren’t you suppose to be a fan of the fucking show?! That’s one thing I want to bring up, the consistency of what our character knows and what he doesn’t! He says that he’s a big brony that knows the show and everything about it, but it’s not actually clear what he has seen and what he hasn’t.


How did you watch the show? Did you just watch the little 5 second videos that SunnySandStorm makes?! (Plug, plug) Maybe that’s why you didn’t like humanity. They were all watching the show and enjoying it from the comfort of their living room while you stood outside their window, face pressed against the glass. Gently pleasuring yourself every time Celestia came on screen. Until the brony gets uncomfortable and calls the police.


But it turns out that Zecora has been kidnapped by the Panthers, who were thought declared dead centuries ago. So, not only are the griffins immortal, but apparently the Panthers are too. I’m starting to think death is pretty fucking meaningless in Equestria. Does that mean we are all zombies? This really is promoting necrophila!



They track down the Panthers and our heroic Harry Balls pulls out his long pointy stick and starts stabbing them all. Yes, I know exactly how I wrote it. It’s not any more stupid than anything else this story has written.


The Panthers claim that they were wronged by Celestia and Lunar Star long ago and that they have a high sense of honor while Harry is kind of a dick against them.

“That sword. I know that sword but the wielder died an age ago.” She then looked to the human’s face. “You’re the destroyer, aren’t you? Only he carried a sword like the one you now hold. Who are you? Even enemies should respect each other.”


Tom scoffed. “Respect? Your kind killed without pity or remorse. In my opinion you got what you deserve and if you must know, my name is Tom but your history might know me better as Lunar Star.”

“Yes our history dose speak of you. You killed countless numbers of us, burned our homes, drove us from our lands.”

“Your kind invaded ours! You struck first, killing entire villages, raping innocent ponies and gryphons alike. Those who could not defend themselves. We did what was needed to make sure you didn’t do it again. The fact that you still live is a testament to the Princesses pity for your race. If I had my way your kind would be wipe from the land for all time.”

And they claim that they kidnapped Zecora in order to save their species. Well, at least our hero is damning an entire race for something that happened thousands of years ago. Good to know that our hero is so forgiving! Now, this would be an interesting aspect to see. After all, you have two beings in one body. The Lunar Star character, who has every reason to hate the Panthers, and Harry Balls, the guy who would give them a chance to see their plight. An interesting conflict between the two and could give a perfect example to those ‘nice humans’ the story preaches about.


But the story pretty much piddles on the idea, because they're the same fucking person and they have the same fucking mind, so it doesn't’ matter!


And again, why are we focusing on the sex drives of Harry, when the story is so much more interesting with the Panthers? Or the Griffins? Why do they feel justified in their actions? What is their motives? Why did the Panthers kidnap Zecora? Why did they feel that Celestia hurt them first?


All these questions are left soaring away from us like an unsecured balloon as the chain pulls on our leash again to make us pay attention to Harry masterbating to himself.


So, to add on the ever growing pile of ‘How did the Main Six live without the new main character’ Applejack comes to Harry’s doorstep, crying her eyes out and practically begging for Harry to use his magic to make her life easier and take over her applebucking. Not only does this pretty much spit on Applejack’s character, but I kind of remember her doing that in SEASON 1!


Oh, wait, I forgot. You don’t watch the show. Never mind.


After moving the plot backwards a couple steps by having Harry do all the work at Sweet Apple Acres, he goes and picks up his suit from Rarity before running into Derpy and having a conversation with her. And plot continues to lag behind us.

It was nightfall when he arrived back at Twilight’s home and seen the unicorn still reading. “Sheesh Twilight don’t you ever get tired of reading? I mean there is more to life then what’s within those pages.”

You know what, you are absolutely right! There is more to life than reading what’s within these pages! A fucking lot more! In fact, I’d be insulted if there wasn’t! If this was life, I would say ‘POINT A FUCKING GUN AT MY HEAD AND PULL THE TRIGGER! BECAUSE IF THIS IS LIFE, I WILL TAKE MY FUCKING CHANCES IN HELL!’


What I’m saying is that I don’t like this story very much. Did that come across? I don’t like this story very much.


We then get a flashback about a filly we’ve never seen before with two alicorns that… I assume are Lunar and Celestia, but it’s never made clear. And if it was them, why did they have a child? They haven’t mentioned any child from before. Why would they suddenly have one if Celestia hasn’t given birth to any child yet?


There is mention of a new baby brother or sister, but if the baby brother or sister is him, then why is he experiencing memories of before he was born? Is this like Nightmare on Elm Street where children can manifest as dreams before they are born? Or something stupid like that?


Oh, wait, it’s a vision from the future. Oh, good. I was just kidding when I said he has the powers to look into the future in my long rant several paragraphs ago. Good to know that the story took my criticism and said ‘Oh, yeah! That’s the power I forgot to give him. Thanks, Mr. Critique.’


YOU ARE SO NOT WELCOME!

Tom never really spoke to Fluttershy like he did with the other girls. Most of the time she would run and hide from him or just never answer if he spoke to her but lately she seemed to be warming up to him.

Oh, good. Fluttershy is warming up to him after all the hiding and fear she gave him. Which is kind of funny because this is actually the first fucking time we’ve actually fucking seen her!


And this brings up another issue that I want to address. There are too many characters for the story to properly balance! It feels like if the story has to focus on more than two characters per scene, it gets lost and confused and just wants to end the scene as quickly as possible. And for six main characters from the show, Spike, Celestia, Luna and the one that nobody likes, the story feels like a cluster fuck.


I know you can’t tell from these little tidbits I give you, but Fluttershy is only just barely appearing. Applejack has little to nothing to do with the plot. Rainbow Dash is only there to be a dick so that you can feel bad for Harry. And Pinkie Pie doesn’t appear anywhere in this story. There is no mention of her, there is no acknowledgement of her existence. She doesn’t even get a fucking line!


My guess is, she’s dead. She found out what story she was in. Didn’t want to go through with it and reenacted the story ‘Goodbye’ in which she jumped off a cliff because there was no more happiness in the world. … You know, that just made that story make a lot more sense.



After spending about 7000 words getting ready for the Gala, actually it’s only about 700, but it sure feels like 7000! They finally arrive at the Gala, and by they, I mean, Twilight, Rarity and Harry. Fuck other ponies other people like! I’m going to have a foursome with the ponies I like!



At the Gala, one of the ponies accuse Harry of stealing his mare from him. It’s rather funny because this is the servant girl we met from several chapters ago who hasn’t been seen or heard from since and honestly the two characters spent less time together than he and Fluttershy did. So this accusation makes no fucking sense except to make our audience feel bad for the character because ‘they just don’t understand him.’


And you know, all that talk about humans being dicks, and I have not seen one human actually be a dick. And Harry doesn’t count, because if you recall, he’s an alicorn pony. Not a human. But I seem to be seeing a lot of dick ponies. You know, if this is supposed to be a fucking paradise that the main character says it is, then this story would have ended 20 chapters ago, and I wouldn’t have thoughts of going into Ponyville and murdering everypony who smiles at me!


The stallion attacks Harry with his sword and everypony, including Celestia and Twilight, cower in fear of him. Shaking in their hooves as this normal, not special at all, basic magic unicorn who probably doesn’t know the first thing about powerful magic waves his sword around like his extended willy!


But not to worry everyone, because our hero is there with his own sword and battles the bully and defeats him.


The bully sits on the ground looking up to such magnificent talent and apologizes. “I’m really sorry,” he says. “I accept defeat and acknowledge that you are better than me.” He looks up to the amazing hero that is Harry. Tears flow from his eyes as if he is beholding the face of God. “Might I suck your dick as penance for my hubris?”


“Yes, you may!” The Great and Powerful Harry Balls decreed.


… Yes, I know those aren’t actual quotes from the story, but honestly, could you tell the difference?


So, the Gala goes off without a hitch and is the best night ever, which is a little odd because I remember Celestia saying something along the lines of this…

But I guess that was before the story decided not to watch the show… I mean… umm … Before the great and amazing Harry attended the Gala and made everything perfect somehow! Except for the guy who tried to kill him! But he got better! Harry showed him a better way!



And so, Harry and Celestia go off to start a family together. Which is odd, because I was under the impression that Celestia was already pregnant at this time. Does the story not know where babies come from? Or does it assume that protection is just something that is only mildly suggested to not get pregnant?!


So, Harry proposes to Celestia after having sex with her. And of course in the heat of the moment, she says yes. Deja vu, fuckers!



Meanwhile, in the real plot with real characters with real problems and real concerns, the griffins have invaded the land of the ponies, stating that they already have several ponies cities under their control. And yet, nopony seems that concerned with it. In fact, there is no declaration of war. There is no mobilization of forces. There is not even a word mentioning that Celestia even knows what the fuck is going on.


Jesus Christ, even when the villains are attacking and enslaving ponies, the heroes won’t even give them the time of day! If I was a villain in this world and just wanted attention, I would be fucking frustrated by this point! Seriously, I go to all this trouble of stealing the Ring of Power from the Tomb of Kings and invade my neighboring country who happens to be my ally and what’s Celestia’s response?



Good, maybe you can beat them the way Adam Sandler does.


The griffins decide that Celestia isn’t going to give them attention, then maybe kidnapping her like fucking Princess Peach will yield better results.


Back over to the stuff that nopony cares about, Harry thinks about the family he never knew and gets into a long, drawn out conversation about his parents who he doesn’t know and we never end up learning anything about except when they go Mufasa at the end of the story to tell him how great he is.


Yeah, there’s a picture of them in the sky and everything.


Also, Harry decides to write a letter to his human parents on Earth. Foul! I call foul! Humans are barbaric, savage beasts who doesn’t deserve to know what happened to their children when they disappear! In fact, humans are so evil and so not worth letting live, that they probably wouldn’t shed a tear if their child was brutally murdered by a serial killer! They’d probably end up saying ‘Well, it’s the kids fault! They should have fought back!’


This story is not living up to its promise of making humans look like assholes!


So, Harry writes to his family about how ‘I was never belonged in that world because I can’t use magic. And I didn’t have Celestia to put my dick in! And none of my friends were ponies that love me because I’m me! And I have all this stress that I’m not going to explain to anyone! Because if you don’t know how hard I work without me telling you how hard I work and just expect you to believe, then your a faggot! I’m so much happier in this world where they worship me like a god then with you assholes who only raised me for 18 years of my life. Put a roof over my head and clothed me! Fuck you, mom and dad!’


Blah, blah, fucking blah!


So, our next chapter sees the griffins sneak into Celestia’s chamber and attack Harry. With a knife… Two griffins and a knife… The guy takes on fucking Hydras like they're Breezies against a fucking hurricane, but a knife?! He’s got no defense. For all his magic, for all his power, for all his skill, a griffin with a knife is too much for him to handle.


I knew the payoff would be disappointing.


Also, want to know what’s even better? The griffins, masters of stealth that they are, have this long conversation with each other, while kidnapping Celestia, and sleeping next to her, is Harry. Fucking Soren the Alicorn doesn’t sleep through shit like this guy does!


Seriously, he’s right fucking next to her?! And they talk like they are the biggest men on campus! And that doesn’t get him to move at all?! I don’t know why they bothered to gag Celestia at all! She could have screamed at the top of her lungs and he still wouldn’t have budged!


The next morning Luna wakes up Harry to find that Celestia has not raised the sun. Harry asks why Luna doesn’t do it, but Luna says she can’t because … she messed it up… Somehow…

“Please big brother thou has to try. The last time we did it, it did not end well and Tia forbade us from doing so again.”

Yeah, absolutely no context! I’m the author and you better fucking believe what I say!


*paints a target on his forehead* SHOOT ME! FUCKING SHOOT ME!

“Me? Whoa, Luna I don’t have the ability to raise the sun you know this. Besides I don’t even know if my magic is at it’s peak or not, I could kill myself.”

So, Harry agrees to raise the sun to prove that he is better than Luna and Celestia at the same time. Unless he dies.


PleaselethimdiePleaselethimdiePleaselethimdiePleaselethimdiePleaselethimdiePleaselethimdiePleaselethimdie

Using his magic he moved the sun into its spot in the heavens and before he knew it, Luna had lowered the moon and he moved the sun along.

FUCK!



So, Luna suspects that the griffins were involved with Celestia’s disappears because of invasion force that is within their borders.

So, the war between the griffins and the ponies begins and it’s about a boring as every other scene in this fucking story so far. It’s clear that Harry is more than a match for them and really nothing can challenge him, so what the hell?


And then… the story switches it’s style of writing for the next three chapters. Instead of it being a narrative, it’s written out like a war journal. First person and everything. I admit, I do like the transition into this better than other stories that have done it this way, but it seems very out of place. There is no other point in the story where it does this. Just these three chapters. It’s never appeared before this and it doesn’t appear again after this. So, why the sudden change? Were you bored with your old style?


Whatever, we’ve still got 10 more chapters to get through.


Also, we get more hints that ‘humans are dicks. Fuck humans!’

We may have learned that King Greaves has kidnaped Tia to get to Luna and I but still, I turned into a monster. I am sure Celestia would cower from me or at the very worst, leave me. I wouldn’t blame her I mean Lunar may have been whom I was but my instincts are still human and those are the ones I fear.

WE ONLY HAVE YOUR WORD FOR IT! THERE ARE NO EXAMPLES OF HUMANS BEING PRICKS! Even in your dumbass letter to your family, you don’t reveal any flaws on their part. You only explain that you have flaws and you failed them! They weren’t the problem! You were! Again, maybe the problem isn’t humanity as a whole?! Maybe the problem is that you aren’t a good human being to begin with! What? Did you watch The Purge a hundred times before coming to this world?


I won’t bore you with the details of war, because there is pretty much nothing to tell. We get introduced to a TON of new characters, whose backstory and personality we have to shoehorn in and the war gets pushed aside to put in these characters. It feels like the story couldn’t find a way to keep the war interesting through the entirety of the story, so instead, to fill out the word count, it threw in a bunch of characters that we’ve never met before and don’t serve much to the plot to begin with!



This is especially apparent when we have this build up for a big battle where Harry must infiltrate a Griffin Stronghold to take out a griffin general. They make their plan to invade it. And the very next scene is Harry walking out of the stronghold with the general’s head. The battle was completely skipped over, because that would have been too awesome for this story. So, in honor of that spectacular fight scene we just witness, I’d like to show you another fight scene that is on par with that one.

And as if the story could not possibly drive any more hatred from me… It brings in philosophy like he’s fucking Socrates.

“It depends Luna. Humans, most of them are a barbaric race. It saddens me to say such a thing to the race of which I currently belong to but it is the truth. We kill each other over things so stupid. The most common thing is religious beliefs. I know that here in Equestria there is no such thing and look how harmonious it is. Then you have those that lose their minds, killers, rapists, thieves, anyone who believes that they are better then you has the potential to be any of the above.”

Oh… we are playing the religious card, huh? Hm… I’m not exactly an expert on religion. I think I made that clear in The God of Two World review, but I think that religion isn’t exactly what many would call ‘STUPID’ as you so aptly put it.


Most religions I know of try to promote things like ‘Loving thy neighbor. And showing compassion to others’. Almost like those who kill for religious purposes ARE THE EXCEPTION!


In fact, most of the religions I know say to never start a fight!


And for all your talk about ‘Equestria being a paradise’ how come from what we see, Equestria has dickish stallions who abuse their wives, a psycho-pony who clearly wants to murder everything in his wake, and a group of griffins who want to see the world burn. This isn’t from the show, because I know you clearly haven’t see it! This is from your own damn piece of shit story!


Good. Fucking. God. You have got a sack on you, bro! You have got some sack!


So after that amazing insight into human psychology, Harry gets a vision from her mother, the goddess Gaia. The Earth. … Yeah, I am not surprised by this at all. In fact, the only thing that will surprise me at this point will be if this is all in Harry’s head and he’s actually in a mental hospital.


And then, Celestia is writing her own diary? What? You know what, I don’t care.


It’s a whole lot of nothing anyway that only serves to slow down the plot of this thing. As it turns out the griffin king is actually treating Celestia rather well. Besides, the whole kidnapping thing. He keeps her feed, provides a roof over her head.


You know, I could actually get behind this story, if it turns out that this whole time, it was going for a Beauty and the Beast thing between Celestia and the Griffin King, with Harry playing the role of Gaston!


But, no. We aren’t that lucky, I’m afraid.


And this goes on for two whole chapters. TWO chapters of Celestia flashing back to times before the story happened to have her make out and have sex with Lunar, even though they are in the middle of a freaking war!


Again, the war takes a backseat to Celestia’s guilty pleasures! When I’m in the midst of a war between griffins and ponies, I expect there to be an actual war! Instead, it’s like it's in the background of the story with the story remembering every so often that, ‘Oh, yeah. There is one of those, isn’t there?’


And you want to know the worst thing about all this is… There is not one piece of new information that comes from all this. We have seen everything that she talks about before. There is nothing new to all this. It is just recapping everything we have seen in the story! I am not even fucking kidding with you guys! The story takes 2 chapters to explain everything that has happened in the story thus far! The only thing that happens is we see one of the griffins take pity on her. Again, why are we focusing on Harry when the griffins are a million times more complex?!


Only 5 chapters left… Let’s just get through this…


During one of the battles, Rainbow Dash get injured. Harry loses it and goes on a killing spree against the griffin, bathing in their blood and drinking it up like it’s fucking lemonade. Um… Mr. Alicorn, are you sure humans are the bad guys?


They end up capturing a battalion of Griffins. And once they find out who he is, they start lining up virgins to sacrifice in his name!


He gets a dream about his father coming to him and telling him that he is the chosen one who will bring balance to the force and that he’s destined to be the greatest alicorn that ever lived in the history of ever, no seriously, you guys, he’s just that much cooler than you!


Anyway, after some more backstory about his father, his mother, Luna’s parents and some more about how great Harry is, we finally get to the chapter where Harry fights the griffin king to save Princess Peach.


The griffins agree to a talk and asks for their surrender. Harry replies by slicing the messenger’s neck out. Yeah, humans are really barbaric, Lunar. I can tell by the way the PONY slices up people like Pinkie Pie with fucking cupcakes!


The Griffin King and Lunar fight for a bit, but the Ring of Power keeps the Griffin King from dying. It looks like our hero as well as this story is finally going to be put to rest. Thank god!


So, how does our hero get out of this one? … He stabs him. … So much for the immortality. Maybe it was one of those replica rings.


However, it turns out that our hero is too late to save the one he loves and she is finally happy because she will no longer be his slave. But like a cruel twist of fate, our hero knows a spell that will sacrifice his life to bring her back to life. Death really has no meaning in Equestria, does it?


So, he’s dead right. He’s dead. Gone forever. There is no way he’s going to come back from this. Well, I think I might just enjoy this story now. The worst alicorn of all time is gone and there is nothing, nothing that can bring him back

The two Alicorns nodded to one another and with their combined magic, lifted Tom’s body into the air. Following suit they floated on either side, flapping their wings. As their magic began its work, the armor Tom wore fell to the ground piece by piece till his naked body floated in a ball of magic. It then started to contort and mold his form.


His legs twist and bend, forming hind legs. His arms and torso grow in muscle and become broad. His hands and feet turn into hooves. A pair of elegant wings burst from his sides and a horn breaks through his skull as that too changes and morphs. His hair grows long, becoming a silvery mane and a tail sprouts from his rear. Upon his flanks is placed a crescent moon and a single star, his cutie mark. With all the changes complete, the now three Alicorn lower to the ground. Luna, Celestia and all the others watch in awe as their friend was changed forever.


The two regal Alicorns soon stand side by side as the third lay upon the ground. But then, he slowly moves, Celestia and Luna let out soft gasps. Then the stallion rose to his hooves and groaned deeply. “Ugh my head.”




NOOOOOOOO! NOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!



THIS IS STUPID!




Jesus fuck, what did I just read?


This feels like if Solar Embrace was written by Dakari King Mykan! That is what this story feels like!



The pacing is shit! For the first two thirds of the story, we are treated to nothing! Nothing at all and it drags like a fucking slug! Nothing interesting happens, nothing challenging happens, nothing changes! It is one big, long, boring tour! A tour about how great Harry is and all the wonderful things he CAN do, but doesn’t!


And because of that, it makes the last third of the story completely rushed as hell as it tries to fit in this war that, while it admittedly built up, doesn’t come into fruition until 20 chapters later, when most of the audience stopped giving a shit! The war is ridiculously rushed with very little happening within it! Not to mention, if anything does happen, it either happens off screen or is so one sided with the hero being so unstoppable that it becomes impossible for me to become invested!


If there was a proofreader on this thing, I would seriously consider hiring another one. The writing is bad. Spelling is inconsistent. Grammar has commas missing all over the place. Not to mention wrong punctuation or capitalization up and down!


The characters are completely inconsequential and only serve to promote how great Harry is! The Main Six in this story are a fucking joke! Half the time, I barely even remember they’re there! They do nothing important! They bring to the main character nothing important! They have nothing important to say! Why are they even there?! This story could have honesty written them out of the story and it would have changed nothing! Overall, the story would have only been improved with them not being there!


I can pretty much say the same thing about them as I can Luna and many of the other characters in this story. Celestia is just eye candy for the reader, a sex toy for the main character, and the prize to be won at the end! It insults this great character by reducing her to this!


There are so many original characters that are introduced in this story and while some of them are actually sort of interesting, this story focuses on all of the shit ones! The griffins and the panthers were the only characters that I was actually interested in. They were complex, identifiable. Their motives weren’t black and white. They had some grey areas! That gave them depth!


The characters that are introduced that aren’t Harry don’t have that! Most of the characters are introduced for one fucking chapter and then are never mentioned again. The Wonderbolts? What the hell was the point of them? They do nothing as far as the rest of the plot. The two generals that fought alongside Harry? They served no purpose and no zero personality. They don’t do anything memorable and change nothing in the war altogether. The servant girl? Her only job was to be a victim of her abusive husband so that Harry could swoop in and rescue her.


The story has a very low opinion of women. Between the Main Six not even being able to defend themselves and having to rely on Harry to come in and save them every time a crisis appears to women being used to simply be sex slaves with men, between the Griffin King and Celestia. While, I’m not sure if the story is sexist, I would not be surprised if that was the case. The story always makes it a point to protect women, as if they are weaker than himself.


Plot points are introduced and forgotten about almost as quickly. The Wonderbolts? Again, that went nowhere. The Panthers? How are they still alive? Why are they kidnapping Zecora? Why do they feel that they were burned by Celestia? And the griffins? I know the story says that the Griffin King wants to put everything under one banner… Why? What is his motive to think that? Again, this character is more interesting and yet, we learn nothing about him or anything he’s thinking! I’m guessing this gets explained in a sequel or something, but if you plan on dealing with it in the sequel, why would you not introduce it in the sequel?!


And then there is the biggest problem of the story… Our main character. I have not seen a more pretentious, bigoted, self-absorbed, overly glorified main character since the Grand Ruler from My Little Unicorn. That’s right. I think Harry is as bad as the Grand Ruler.


He is over glorified for the little he actually does, other characters instantly like him or when they don’t, they are either killed or beaten to the point that they repent and worship him like he’s the fucking savior! Which the story makes a good point to remind us almost every fucking scene! He uses himself as a mouthpiece for the fact that humans are shit and other beliefs! It’s a self insert that is more interested in making himself look like the ultimate badass than telling a good story! Makes himself so powerful that nothing in the world that is created around him can match his power! Can do no wrong in the eyes of others!


Even though that there are several points in the story where he’s clearly not well in the head! He’s a fucking psychopath! He constantly states that ‘I’m going to kill them all!’ ‘If I had my way, you’d all be dead!’ He goes on a fucking rampage slaughtering griffins, even ones that just want to talk… And… nobody sees anything wrong with this. Nobody looks at this bloodbath he is on and says ‘Holy shit, this guy is fucking nuts!’ Celestia doesn’t think ‘This isn’t what ponies should be like at all! This is not okay!’ Even to his own fucking ponies he’s horrible. He threatens Rainbow Dash and almost cuts her open! He threatens the guards when they find out he’s sleeping with Celestia. He’s an awful pony! But again, nopony thinks this is bad.


And you know why? Because the story doesn’t care. It just doesn’t care what you think. It is so convinced that it is right and you are wrong that it just couldn’t care what you think. It doesn’t care what I think. It doesn’t care what any of us think. All it cares about is how good Harry looks.


It is one of the worst and most painful fics I have ever had to sit through. It is My Little Unicorn level of pretentious. I hope this story burns in hell and I am happy to God, that there is no a sequel to this. … And even if there was, it’s not completed, so I won’t read it!

Comments ( 9 )

Do humans suck?

Short answer: yes. Long answer: we all have our ups and downs, saints and sinners, and what have you. Need I remind you that when ponies go bad, they go really bad?
Looking at you, Nightmare Moon/Trixie/Starlight Glimmer.

every fucking human on Earth would rather live here than where they live.

Untrue, as many of the humans I sent to Equestria were not happy on arrival (or at the very least didn't know it existed)... At least in my good stories, anyway.

Why does Celestia hate me?

I'd answer this, but then my interpretations of Celestia are quite a bit different than what others have to say.

Okay, I love katanas too. Don’t get me wrong, but who keeps a katana next to their bed unless your from Feudal Japan?!

I used to (until I moved some stuff around in my room). I also had a broken broom handle, a flag pole, a sharpened stick, and a BB gun.
Also, what is this fascination with katanas? They are beautiful swords, no doubt, but they take a lot more skill to wield compared to, say, a European broadsword, which with the right decorations can be just as cool and much more efficient at murdering people.

The kid wakes up in a forest. And here’s where we start the add points to the unoriginal plot points that were done much better in other stories. Because our character woke up in the Everfree Forest. Awakening in Equestria with little to no backstory on his human life. Meeting the Main Six. The Main Six instantly taking a liking to him. And of course, the human not freaking out about being in a magical land of talking horses.

I remember one story that did this right... because the main character didn't have a lot of skills (despite being King Arthur's reincarnation; turns out Arthur had some unfinished business in Equestria from the first time he died), and it took him some time to build up those skills, much less get acclimated to living in a world of ponies.

Freak out a little, damn you!

Come on, scream at the gods a little, asking if this is some sort of joke. I made Celestia do it, you can too.

Soon, his score is going to be off the charts.

My god. It's over Nine... I should get my "clichéd pony fic bingo" card out soon.

Add another point to the scoreboard, because the two are suddenly attacked by um… a creature according to the story…

Here's something for all the writers out there: if you want to make a cool, unearthly monster, read some HP Lovecraft first. If your monsters don't match the same kind of description that his do (in moderation, no need to spend several paragraphs describing what it looks like), you're doing something wrong.

The two hardly had time to react as a large head lunged for them. It struck the ground just beside them, launching the two in different directions.The human shook his head as he looked up to see the creature’s face. Getting to his feet the young man drew his sword and readied himself as the beast lunged again for him. He quickly side-stepped and swung a horizontal cut at its neck but it did very little. “Damn it.”

Boring fight scene is boring. And it's also hard to get engaged if we don't even know what the heck this monster is! Until proven otherwise, I'm going to imagine it's this one from Gravity Falls:

I think that was like seven points in one go.

HOME RUN!!!!!

Twilight then notices that the human is using the power of the force to send the several thousand pound butterfly soaring thousands of miles away! Yeah, starting to get a sense of how much bullshit we are in for.

Since when did Mary Sue over there turn into Yang Xiao Long?... Except Yang is cool, her powers make sense, and she'd take out this loser in one punch, if that.

And who is the letter by? Take a guess. Take a wild fucking guess. Just take a guess in this situation, who could the letter be by. Who is the one fucking name in all of Equestria that we know about, for sure, that the letter could be from?! You know you’re right! I know you’re right! So, let’s all just say it together.

SPIDER-MAN- I-I mean LUNAR STAR! Ah, shit,

We’re in self-insert territory now!

I'd have bingo if I was playing along right now.

A good story has something difficult for the main character to obtain, that’s what holds the story together. Whether it be survival, a friendship, a peaceful solution to a violent problem. Either way, a story has some kind of obstacle for the hero to overcome. What obstacle does he have?! I know it’s only the first chapter, but I just have a feeling that there is nothing to overcome here! Like so many stories about self-inserts in the past, there is nothing for our hero to gain, because there is nothing that the author feels this character needs to learn.

I’m sorry, that doesn’t make me invested. That doesn’t make me relate to him! If you want a character to be relatable, give them something that they need to learn. And I’m not talking about ‘learning magic to defeat an evil being’, I’m talking about something to struggle for. Something that makes him human and not a tool to defeat an evil being.

Amen to that.

So, anyway, the human wakes up in Twilight’s home where Twilight explains to him what a Hydra is and what happened during their battle with it.

Oh, so that's what the big scary monster was. Gee, really wish I had SEEN THAT!

And, big fucking shock here, Twilight is not bothered by this at all.

:twilightoops:Y-you mean all this time, everything me and my friends have done, everything has been plotted out by some otherworldly beings? That there is no choice within our world? Th-that I'm... not... real?... :twilightsmile: Well that's pretty nifty! Glad I got that off my chest.

Stargazer?! Fucking Stargazer?! Are you kidding me?! Your friends actually call you this name… unironically?! I mean, I could understand if this was a login name online or even a LARP character name, but … there is no context. There is nothing there to tell me that is really what it is. It’s just… I’m Stargazer.

You know, I had a character named Stargazer once... it was a spaceship.
Author, you have not crossed the line into Suedom; you've fired yourself across with a cannon.

The next day, Harry wakes up in Twilight’s house, where he discovers that Twilight has received a letter asking her to investigate the disturbance in the Everfree Forest.

Meanwhile a much more competent Harry was doing much the same.

Or is it #lackofresponsibility? That’s me… always jogging about six miles behind the times… And the times is in a rocket car.

Guess Doc got an upgrade from the DeLorien.

It’s called a sword Spike

Wow... Just... wow. HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW WHAT SWORDS ARE?!?!?!?!? Even if Equestria really is Perfect Pacifist Land, they'd still know what a sword is OTHERWISE THE ART OF FENCING WOULD NOT EXIST IN THEIR WORLD! PINKIE'S IMAGINE SPOTS ABOUT NINJA MULES WOULD BE LAME BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T HAVE A SWORD! SPIKE WOULD NOT HAVE BROKEN OFF THAT STALAGMITE (or is it stalactite, I can never remember) AND BRANDISHED IT AS A SWORD IF THEY DID NOT EXIST!
AUTHOR, YOU SUCK!!!

So, Harry asks if Twilight can teach him about magic and Twilight begins to show him basic levitation spells. Which Harry masters instantly. See what I mean by nothing challenges our little snowflake?

I had something like that happen in one of my stories once... except the character was the Avatar, Bending her natural element for the first time. And it would take another twelve years before she was truly a master.

Back in Ponyville, Twilight’s friends arrive and Rainbow Dash has her dick meter turned to 11.

Why don't you just make 10 louder and have 10 be the highest number?

Never. Let. Go.

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How many immortal beings are there?!

A few. They chop each other's heads off all the time.

But thankfully our hero, Mr. Balls, is there to save them with a massive teleport spell that he has never trained in or has any memory of doing.

"The Mane 6 arrived at the same point in time and space... we're still cleaning up the mess."

I’m really starting to hate this character.

I reached that point a loooong time ago.

By now, it should also no longer be a surprise that we cut to Celestia feeling Lunar’s power surge every time he does something

*Bad porn music starts up*

I think we have good enough memories that we can just know that Celestia is still in this story, thank you very much!

Sorry what was that? I forgot what I was reading... Ooh, it's got ponies!

After teleporting to safety, Harry passes out and Twilight does what she should have done when she first met him.

Oh, and this mysterious enemy they face? Don’t worry, we’ll get to them later in the story. Trust me, you’ll be thoroughly disappointed.

You mean even more disappointed than we are now?

Tom slowly woke from his sleep to the sound of beeping. “Great, I’m in a hospital”

Is Markiplier the surgeon? That would be fun to watch.

When I was on Earth I always felt different, like I didn’t belong there. I had very few friends and none of my relationships really lasted. I was dealing with stress on a daily basis, shedding tears at night because I knew that there had to be someone out there calling to me and there was nothing I could do about it.

Anyway, the Grand Galloping Gala is next week and Celestia wants to invite Harry for some ‘private time’. This story could not end any quicker.

If by "private time" she means "put up in front of a firing squad", I'm all for it.

Fuck Harry Balls,

...
Alright then...
*snicker*

“Wars, Sweetie Belle. Throughout my time on Earth there was never not death or destruction. Humans, well most humans are savage and barbaric. They would rather kill each other then work things out.

Wow, even my Warhammer 40K story was more uplifting than this, and 40K is one of the most grimdark, no happy endings for anyone universes in the history of fiction.

Aww… Wittle Spikey’s butthurt.

Actually, we should be applauding Spike... he's smart enough to hide away when these shit fics come stumbling in.

It sounds like a bad novel if you ask me.”

Point for the story admitting it is, in fact, bad. It's more than can be said for most of the other stories you've reviewed.

He cooks, he cleans, he can do magic, he’s an awesome swordsman, he’s a philosopher, he can manipulate time and space, he can see into the future, he is the most attractive thing in the universe, he is never wrong, never starts a fight, is the only brave thing for miles, is misjudged by people who just ‘don’t get him’, even though they have no reason to, he can write poetry that can make the mares swoon.

He sounds kind of like the Emperor, except the Emperor's ego was the size of a planet and his inability to admit he might be wrong ended up biting him in the ass pretty badly.

“You can not be serious? You expect us to eat with this, this peasant? He is not even a pony for the light’s sake and yet here he sits as if we were equals? This is an outrage.”

This guy, this guy right here. He's got the right idea.

Believe me, I’m still about 20 chapters out from the end.

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Now, that would be FAR more interesting that this!

Yes... Yes it would.

So far, the villains seem to be just waiting for the heroes to notice them and give them attention!

NOTICE ME, EQUESTRIA-SEMPAI!!

Not that it wasn’t fun watching griffins have sex with each other, but what does this have to do with anything?!

Nothing, but that hasn't stopped this story from existing.

Also, forget about the Diamond Dogs. They play no part in the story.

Aw, I had the Imperial March ready to go and everything...

All shall know my power and despair!”

Hmm, where have I heard that before...

They track down the Panthers and our heroic Harry Balls pulls out his long pointy stick and starts stabbing them all. Yes, I know exactly how I wrote it.

You, my friend, just turned this into one of the biggest pornos this site has ever produced.

The Panthers claim that they were wronged by Celestia and Lunar Star long ago and that they have a high sense of honor while Harry is kind of a dick against them.

They're probably right.

If this was life, I would say ‘POINT A FUCKING GUN AT MY HEAD AND PULL THE TRIGGER! BECAUSE IF THIS IS LIFE, I WILL TAKE MY FUCKING CHANCES IN HELL!’

Anti-life justifies my hate.

My guess is, she’s dead. She found out what story she was in. Didn’t want to go through with it and reenacted the story ‘Goodbye’ in which she jumped off a cliff because there was no more happiness in the world.

Either that or she teamed up with Nora to go kill monsters in a much better fic...
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See how much fun she's having?

He looks up to the amazing hero that is Harry. Tears flow from his eyes as if he is beholding the face of God. “Might I suck your dick as penance for my hubris?”

“Yes, you may!” The Great and Powerful Harry Balls decreed

And God saw this and said "Dude, that's just sad."

The griffins decide that Celestia isn’t going to give them attention, then maybe kidnapping her like fucking Princess Peach will yield better results.

NOTICE ME SEMPAI!

*paints a target on his forehead* SHOOT ME! FUCKING SHOOT ME!

I CAN'T! I ONLY HAVE ONE COMPUTER!!!

So, Luna suspects that the griffins were involved with Celestia’s disappears because of invasion force that is within their borders.

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Whatever, we’ve still got 10 more chapters to get through.

Will this ever end?!?!?!?!?

So, in honor of that spectacular fight scene we just witness, I’d like to show you another fight scene that is on par with that one.

To lessen the damage, let's look at some good fight scenes (spoilers on the last two:

Most religions I know of try to promote things like ‘Loving thy neighbor. And showing compassion to others’. Almost like those who kill for religious purposes ARE THE EXCEPTION!

In fact, most of the religions I know say to never start a fight!

I know you're not religious, but at least you get the point, unlike most authors both in fanfiction and in mainstream fiction.

This story was just bad, for all the reasons you pointed out. Let's hope there is no follow up

“Uh Twilight he’s not dangerous right? I mean he has that thing you brought with him.”
“It’s called a sword Spike

Why doesn't he know what a sword is?

3521224 So Harry Balls can be even more amazing?... wow, that sentence sounds weirder when you think about it too long

Funny, I was just thinking that today. I guy at work who was new there at the time (as in his vary first day) turned to me in the brake-room while I was just sitting there (minding my own business as usual) said to me, "People fucking suck!" And he did not look happy. I said in return, "You will not get any argument out of me on that one." I could fully understand is frustration with some people.

But does that give me excuse to hate them?

Hell, yes!

This is a story that has such a low opinion of humanity that it actually makes me smile. By giving them the proper bashing they deserve, this story makes sure everyone knows that all humans are stupid

And each person has their own varied, and not always agreed upon opinions, as just who are the stupid ones, and why.
Many conveniently don't always look at themselves and their own flaws while pointing fingers at others for what they may do wrong.
A vary human habit.

making the main character a human and worshiping him like a god!

Another one of these?
I am all for fantasy and all, even some delusional ones (Have had plenty of my own), but in stories on, "Look at me! I am so awesome!"
Even I have my limit.

Got to give some little credit to one guy who wrote such a story I read a long time ago. There was a big disaster going on, as in a killer on the loose, and he did not have it be his character be the one who saved the day. As the story was going, I was expecting him to. Instead someone else stopped the killer, practically by accident. I mean they guy had his character, beat Rainbow Dash at creating a sonic rainboom on his fist try at flying! But he did not have his character, be the all time hero, who saved everyone form a killer on the loose. I thought that was an unexpected nice touch. The one who did stop the killer was a pothead unicorn that the killer just happen to run into wile the unicorn's head was down. Yes, horn, right through the heart. I did not expect that! :pinkiegasp:

Yes, our main character just picked out a katana from nowhere. Okay, I love katanas too. Don’t get me wrong, but who keeps a katana next to their bed unless your from Feudal Japan?!

I have a few of them, but just for show. I have considered keeping one next to my bed, just for something personaly silly to do. There is little to no need for one out in cow country. And there are much better weapons one could grab than a katana. Despite some popular belief they are not the most badass swords around. The viking uthbert is far more badass. Still, if I was going to be keeping a weapon near my bed, it likely would be a big knife like a bowie knife, KA-BAR, or recon tanto. A sword would be much too hard to use while laying down in bed. A good knife or small close range gun would be a much better choice.

And yes, the story does say that he’s a fan of the show. But even then, you were just taken from your home and teleported to another world with little to no chance to get home! Freak out a little, damn you!

Hell, I am a big fan of the show, and occasionally dream about what it would be like to live in Equestria, and meet these ponies as they are in the cartoon. But I know for a fact I would freak out some over such a change! Even if I was partly expecting it. Especially if I found myself in the Everfree first, of all places. Making some sort of simple weapon like a wood spear (Not sure how such a thing would help in such a place, but having it would make me feel better), and finding my way out would be my first task. After I had my little mental meltdown for being in there.

Yes, yes, I know you all wanted me to harp on that, but I can’t harp on what isn’t an issue.

Good man. :twilightsmile:

Truly a terrifying foe.

Did you see how a group of them had saved one falling Fluttershy, and carried her aloft for a bit. Enough of those could drop one form a very high height, then it would be all over.

Yeah, we don’t actually know his name yet.

I don't know why he was dropped off in the Everfree, if he was a new friend. It is like the PokePark game. One must fight first, in order to prove one's worth as a worthy friend. We do not befriend weak losers.

Cause as we all know from one griffin, Gilda, all griffins are dicks. (Goddamn you, season 5! Fucking up my headcanon!)

I thought it was funny that Pinkie was swooning over the statue of their long lost leader. If Pinkie may possibly, actually, have the hots for griffins, I want to see her have a baby hippogriff with one. I mean Buckbeak was cool. And I have yet to see a hippogriff on the show.

“Ok here is where I ran into Star before the Hydra attacked and he tossed it away.

She remembers this, and yet she felt the need to teach him levitation spells after. I think after he tossed away a hydra, he has got levitation down already.

Mr. Balls, is there to save them with a massive teleport spell that he has never trained in or has any memory of doing.

I’m really starting to hate this character.

I wonder if Twilight will suddenly feel the need to teach him that spell after as well, now that he has used it once already?

Oh, no! Dealing with stress on a day to day basis?! Wondering if you’ll be able to make that rent payment, groceries, holding down your job, reading, reviewing every week, getting your vehicle fixed up, taking care of your aging parents, going to school, trying to improve your writing?! No, that’s not fucking stressful at all!

Seems a little like my life.

I feel your pain. Share it with me.
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Although I'd rather be getting touchy-feely with these.
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Good to know at heart, he was a dick. Maybe Anne Frank was wrong when she said that deep down all people are good at heart.

I try to be a good person. I do try. But I also know deep down I am also a dick. No I don't just mean that I have one.

Oh, yeah. There is certainly NO stress in Equestria. I can see that… With the bullies, the robbers, the supervillains, the pricks, the monsters that can eat your face, the shapeshifters that steal your identity, the evil magic that can take over your body, the financial difficulties of maintaining a business, or pretty much anything that would induce stress!

Oh' yes, when I dream about going to Equestria, I kind of conveniently forget about all that. :twilightsheepish:
I guess the grass isn't greener on the other side after all. :derpytongue2:

Oooo, is this going to be like Soren the Alicorn where he cheats on one of the princesses with Rainbow Dash?

I was thinking the same exact thing. But it is not hard to recall, it was not all that long ago.

Meanwhile, Celestia introduces Lunar to Spitfire and we learn that Lunar is not only the leader and the first Wonderbolt, he was also the founder and started the Sonic Rainboom when he was a toddler.

Did the writer just forget that when Pinkie was explaining about a Sonic Rainboom as legendary, and rare, it is so rare that Rainbow Dash is the only pony to have ever done it?
This is just like the writer forgetting that a FIM fan would vary likely know all about the Grand Galloping Gala.

Be like asking Fluttershy on advice about ballsing up.

Hay, she took on a full grown dragon, and Discord, and won. Can't get much more ballsy than that. Even if she still cowers at the sight of children with fake fangs on. I guess she still has a ways to go in order to get over her fears. Seems she could still do with a little ballsing up, before preaching about it to others.

So, yeah, this came right out of nowhere. Only halfway through the story and we’ve decided to add in this ‘I’m possessed by an evil being plot

Again!? :raritydespair:
What other story dose this remind me of? :rainbowderp:

They track down the Panthers and our heroic Harry Balls pulls out his long pointy stick and starts stabbing them all. Yes, I know exactly how I wrote it. It’s not any more stupid than anything else this story has written.

But oddly entertaining none the less. And with so few words. I guess something dose not have to be dragged out to get the point across.

For all his magic, for all his power, for all his skill, a griffin with a knife is too much for him to handle.

As I said, a good knife is far better than a sword while having a close range fight in the bedroom. Wait, how big is this bedroom anyways?

3521240
It dose indeed. :rainbowlaugh:
But not the message I wish to have burned in my mind from over reading.

3521224
Likely for much the same reason Mr. Wonderful did not know what the Grand Galloping Gala is. A story writer that has more memory problems than I do.
Still, I don't remember seeing a sword on the show. A lance, yes, but no swords I remember of. But if they do exist in their world, and as the many things Twilight has talked to him about on what she has learned of in their world while growing up together, Spike should know something about swords.

3521074

every fucking human on Earth would rather live here than where they live.

Untrue, as many of the humans I sent to Equestria were not happy on arrival (or at the very least didn't know it existed)... At least in my good stories, anyway.

Aside from your stories (Sadly I have not gotten around to reading any of them yet), I know of a guy that does not like horses, ponies even less. He would likely go mad if sent there. We are not all the same.

Also, what is this fascination with katanas? They are beautiful swords, no doubt, but they take a lot more skill to wield compared to, say, a European broadsword, which with the right decorations can be just as cool and much more efficient at murdering people.

A European broadsword! Nice choice.
Now we have someone that knows something about swords!
Katanas are cool looking. But they are light, though that makes them easy to swing, they have little weight behind them. And only one edge. And that can make them more difficult to use. You need fineness, and lots of training to use one right. Something with heft and two edges can do a little bit more, and is easier to use.
A Katana might be a good cut up, in the hands of one with skill, but even a Scottish Claymore is better at crushing an enemy with force and a lot less skill needed to get the job done with one.

Oh, so that's what the big scary monster was. Gee, really wish I had SEEN THAT!

"I see," said the blind man. No, wait, he didn't.

PINKIE'S IMAGINE SPOTS ABOUT NINJA MULES WOULD BE LAME BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T HAVE A SWORD!

I clean forgot about that! :pinkiegasp:

"The Mane 6 arrived at the same point in time and space... we're still cleaning up the mess."

Wow, that's disturbing.

Is Markiplier the surgeon? That would be fun to watch.

He is fun to watch, period.

Fuck Harry Balls,

...

Alright then...
*snicker*

I couldn't get over that one either.

You, my friend, just turned this into one of the biggest pornos this site has ever produced.

OK, your comment on that one was much better.

I know you're not religious, but at least you get the point, unlike most authors both in fanfiction and in mainstream fiction.

That of course only helps breads the never ending confusion some have with it, myself included. Then again we really can't relay on fiction as a good source of facts on any given subject. Had a guy at work that would quote Star Trek as a good source of facts as to how our future of space flight and living will be like. I ask him, "know the concept of fiction dude?" Though knowing the guy a little, I know he said such things just to get an argument.

3521074

Why does Celestia hate me?


I'd answer this, but then my interpretations of Celestia are quite a bit different than what others have to say.

Put simply my dear, Iowa, because I'm a dick.

:twilightoops:Y-you mean all this time, everything me and my friends have done, everything has been plotted out by some otherworldly beings? That there is no choice within our world? Th-that I'm... not... real?... :twilightsmile: Well that's pretty nifty! Glad I got that off my chest.

Why did you copy and paste a direct quote from the story? ... You didn't? ... Well, this is a bit embarrassing. ...

Why don't you just make 10 louder and have 10 be the highest number?

Because I like to go one step beyond. :raritywink:

Fuck Harry Balls,


...

Alright then...

*snicker*

Spoken like a champ. :pinkiehappy:

You, my friend, just turned this into one of the biggest pornos this site has ever produced.

And yet, I would at least tolerate it more if that was the case.

Apologies for the late response to this message. Life has been hectic and I will tell you why Wednesday. Trust me, you'll be so disappointed. (PM me if you want to know now.)

3521240 Iowa, is there something you need to tell me?

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Oh' yes, when I dream about going to Equestria, I kind of conveniently forget about all that. :twilightsheepish:

I guess the grass isn't greener on the other side after all. :derpytongue2:

It never is.

But oddly entertaining none the less. And with so few words. I guess something dose not have to be dragged out to get the point across.

A classic case of the 'less is more' scenario.

3546169 I figured you were busy.

Still, take your time to do what you need to do; my comments can wait and are, at the end of the day, not all that important compared to real life concerns

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