10/1/2015 · 4:18pm Oct 1st, 2015
I apologize for being silent and not updating anything.
For the past few months I have been struggling. External and internal kind of things.
I'm 23 years old currently living with my mother due to not able to sustain my own self, cause that ended in disaster. I have a son who is as of today five months old, that most people don't know about it, because I've told most people he was miscarriage but this isn't the case. His name is Carson, but I can't be a dad to him because my ex won't let me.
I was there when he was born, and despite us being separate, I talked to her and helped her through her pregnancy by giving her what she needed, to the point I was paying her medical bills and such. I signed the affidavit, saying that I was the father and I was more than willing to give up everything so I could be with him and care for him.
But things went to hell, as she turned around behind my back and took me off the affidavit, removed me from the birth certificate and didn't even give my son my last name.
Why?
All for the reason because she thought I was a bad person. I was a drug addict (weed) and a dealer at one point, as some knew. This is true, I was a dealer and all, but I don't see how because of something I did in my past makes me a bad person? Our relationship wasn't perfect but it wasn't bad. I never laid my hands on her and always tried to treat her with the utmost respect. We had our arguments and we both said things to each other that we probably shouldn't have said nor meant, but that's all couples right?
I've lost my son before I even had a chance with him, and not because I didn't want to, but because someone took that option from me.
Financially I'm a mess. My credit is fucked up due to late or no payments on student loans and a credit card I had to run up just to get books for school. I work a shit ass job that pays me 8.40 an hour, 3-400 dollar paychecks. I was making almost 900 per WEEK when I was dealing, but I don't and will not go back to that.
But "do the right thing Sean!' is what people keep telling me, and I'm trying and been trying to do the right thing, but all it's done is blowup in my face. My son, my finances, my very life is in shambles. I can't afford a new car cause I can't repair the one I have, nor have the money to get it done cause I'm trying to get things straight with my school that I owe and the credit collection agency.
I have been drinking and smoking heavily these past few months because I can't cope with reality. The reality of that I have no idea what I want in my life, who I am, what I do, nothing. I feel so lost in everything to the point that I cry myself to sleep at night and cry in the morning cause I woke up to another day. I have no desire for anything, the things I used to enjoy I no longer enjoy, I don't talk to people I used to love to talk to.
I want to get my own place, get a car, have my own bills and sustain myself. For christ sakes I'm 23, I feel my life should have been started and going already forward, but I feel stuck, like in a box I can't get out of. I have family issues going on on top of everything as I'm convinced that I'm a disappointment to my parents. Even when I'm in this house, all I see is pictures of my siblings who are doing football and cheerleading and they are incredibly smart, much more than I was and am. But there's none of me in here, not one thing except for one picture of me as a baby that's tucked away in a corner.
Hell there's fucking pictures of my late stepdad, who beat me to a pulp on a daily, breaking my nose multiple times as my face was punched into walls. I was choked out, beat down, told I was worthless, and even had to sleep in the garage to just have cold water thrown on me in the morning to wake up. And I hate it. I hate seeing his ass over these walls, and ignoring what he did to me, come to find out that he was cheating on my mom during their 10 year marriage, and we found this out after he passed away.
But yet he's still viewed as some type of god here. It burns me up when I have to tell my sibling that he was 'a good man', cause he wasn't close to it, and the only reason I went to his funeral was to take care of my mom and them. But in honesty, I'm glad he's gone. I view it as karma came at him and got what he deserved. I could literally spit on his grave and idc who thinks that's hateful, cause it is. I hate him and will always hate him no matter what people say.
I guess I'm saying all this just to say, I'm a fuck up. Simple and plain, and I feel I've been defeated in every aspect of my life, and honestly idk if I want to really keep trying to move on.
But I'm okay I'm here. I'm alive. And I'm making steps to get better. Cause I choose to be better. I'm not going to let this bullshit beat me cause I'm better than what I and what others think I am.
Bet.
Try and figure out what will get you where you want to be the fastest, without the huge risk of repercussions later.
All those things suck. And maybe you are a fuck up. Of course, it's been my experience, when you hit bottom, the only place left to go is up.
The first thing I would do is stop trying to fix the broken car. You're not in a position where it would be beneficial to have it repaired. take it apart, sell the parts that work, sell the parts that don't and everything else to scrap. You can make some good money that should at the very minimum pay off a chunk of your debt. Next you are going to be entering what I like to call Type 5 Battle Mode or the penniless mode. That's where you lock down and only go with the bare escentuals. If you don't need it to servive don't put money on it. Be comfortable with wearing clothes two or more days in a row to cut down on laundry. Seeing as you're only making $8.40 p/h I assume you live in the states, which means you can use more than one coupon at a time. Thus it's time to become an extreme couponer. That's where you start pulling coupons from everywhere they're available and use them for everything. Done right and the store can endup paying you. Prove everyone wrong. Also slowly, so no one notices, starting getting rid of the pictures of your step dad, try replacing them with pictures of something else and stop telling people he was a good man when he was an asshole. Finally start looking for a better/second job.
All this stuff isn't going to be easy and isn't going to leave room for writing or video games but if you want your life to get better you have make sacrifices. First rule of alchemy: Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.
Fucking jesus man. That PM I shot you a year back suddenly went thermonuclear warhead. Anyway, I have a couple tips for you. Namely because I was in a similar situation a wee bit back. Don't find solace in the bottom of a bottle. Because that ends in misery. Misery and suicide. Smoking is generally shit, never did it because my disdain for them overrode my desire for escapism.
First and most important step. Your assets. You might think you have none except the clothes on your back. But even your broken car is an asset. Find and list them. Friends, contacts. Hell, they might hate you, but human beings have this in built sympathy. That's a strong base to plan out your immediate future.
Accept your losses. This is the hardest. You've lost your son for the foreseeable future. This sucks, yes. It sucks bad. But you need to barge through it with a stiff upper lip like us Brits. You need to put away any pride or dignity you have currently. Bow and scrape the fucking floor with your nose. Because you need to live. Improve your relations with your family. Talk to them. They still love you, it's fucking biologically coded that way. This is about you getting through this with as little damage as possible. You ain't walking through this without the shit splashing against your knees.
Third, go round, ask if people need their lawn mowed, their garden tended, their fucking washing machine removed. Doesn't matter what, be a handyman. You have the whole damn internet at your disposal. Since you don't want to deal weed (That dark dark path) the only contact you'll have with the people who befriended you only for weed is if you are out on your arse and nobody else wants you. I made my food bills just going around town slaving my arse off at any free time I have and had around £100 to spare. It's not going to be fun, it's not going to be fair. But damned if you aren't going to barrel through this. Swallow that pride and work your arse off 'til you go home and vomit from heat stroke.
Fourth, your diet. Now, this might be obvious, you might have done a lot of this shit already. Tap water only. No coffee, no tea, no fucking alcohol. And buy your fucking ingredients. It's not hard to make bread or vegetable stews. Get a calculator and calculate everything. Intake of protein, calories, etc. Go for a little higher than the average for your body. Salt saves money, use that instead of seasoning. Might taste like shit, but again, this is to survive. Not live.
Fifth, don't kill yourself emotionally. Talk to people, your family, as I've said. People on Skype, the fucking alcoholic in the corner of the bar. Talk to the people who you work for. Do not be angry, do not be cold. Treat everyone nicely, even if they're shitty to you. Just don't talk to those people. This helps with finances and with morale. Find something to do, a Rubik's Cube, the fucking daily crossword or sudoku or boxing or jogging. Whatever, as long as you can work off the stress of the day for just half an hour.
Sixth, draw up a ledger. Money in, money out. All your expenses go in that ledger. A little A6 bound notebook is good enough. Look at what you can cut back on and do so. Cut it right the fuck out of the picture until you have enough money to pay for it.
That's pretty much all the general advice I can give you. Be strong mate. You can push through this. You will ride the fucking ocean until the winds calm down.
Life is pain and the world is shit. Go back to dealing make some money and be happy. Don't go chasing what everyone idealizes as happiness. Get what you want and get it how ever way you can. If I have learned anything in 27 years on this earth its that you have to do LITERALLY anything you can to get what you want and you can't let "morality" get in the way of that.
I've lived that way for over 10 years now and it's landed me a bought and paid for house, 2 cars, a beautiful 6 year old daughter, and all the money she and I will ever need. If selling pot made you more money then anything you could do now then sell it, you are no more in the wrong then anyone who sells tobacco or alcohol.
I really suck at talking and trying to be nice and caring to people, and this is one of those cases.
I just.....God, I'm really sorry that all these things are happening. Just don't smoke, that'll kill you quicker.