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Sep
23rd
2015

Sequel September: Soren the Alicorn 2 · 3:23pm Sep 23rd, 2015





Do yourself a favor, guys… Go.


Just go, guys.


Seriously, you don’t want to be here for this… I don’t want to be here for this! I mean, after the first Soren the Alicorn, you really think I want to do this one again?!


Really?! After that first piece of shit where the author basically threw every cliched backstory the author could possibly think of in an effort to get someone who liked it and as a result made sure that nobody could like it?


No… I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to have to read and review this. Especially this! … Huff…


Let’s just get this over with as painlessly and as quickly as possible. As long as it doesn’t have a word count that’s too high, we’ll be ok-

51,698 words total

… God fucking damnit!



So, for those of you who missed the first one, you are the lucky ones, Soren the Alicorn is an incredibly overpowered character who honestly makes Celestia and Luna look like Boulder by comparison. Which ultimately takes away from the story and the tension since nobody can beat him because he is so powerful. And even if he was defeated, he’s friends with the Doctor and the Doctor will just bring him back to life. … I’m not making that up.


He is called the “Elemental Guardian”, whose role and powers keep shifting depending on what the author wants to do that day. He’s first the guardian of the Elements of Harmony, he’s the guardian of Princess Luna, who he is romantically involved with…


Thanks to him, I am also five bits richer.


Shut up. … And what do you need with bits, anyway?


I do not. It is the principle.


Whatever… and he is also destined to defeat Firelord Ozai by mastering the four elements before Sozin’s Comet arrives.


He has some singing powers as well, which the story focuses the most on, but has very little to do with his powers of saving the world and the character arc he has altogether. Not that he has much of one to begin with.


During all that, a group called ‘the Nightmares’ attack Equestria and try to get Luna to become Nightmare Moon once more. They disappear after the first chapter they are introduced in and are never mentioned until 14 chapters later.


There are also some plot points about Soren being some special alicorn that is only born once every thousand years, is related to Octavia, was experimented on as a child and-


You’ve all stopped listening, haven’t you? Can’t say I blame you.


Let’s just read and review the piece of shit that is… Soren the Alicorn 2: The Effects of War.


Our story begins with Soren studying fire magic as he was asked to do at the end of the first one. I’ll give this story credit. At least Soren is now taking the Nightmare threat seriously.

Soren has been studying and training hard for his confrontation with Night Wing. He's in the library almost as often as Twilight Sparkle (and she lives there!) Princess Luna and Twilight have been mentoring Soren to the best of their abilities.

And there it goes… Story, most of us reading this are bronies. Most of us know that Twilight lives in the library. You don’t have to yell at us to tell us that she lives there! Most of us already know! And, I understand if this was an individual story, yeah, remind us. But don’t yell at us! Seriously, that exclamation point really bothers me! Was it really necessary to put it there? Were you getting so much hate that you didn’t put the location of where Twilight lives that you had to throw in a exclamation point?


Imagine if I had done this somewhere else.


“I was walking through the park one day (THE PARK OVER BY MY HOUSE!!!!!!) in the merry, merry month of May (THAT MONTH THAT COMES ONCE A YEAR AFTER APRIL, YOU FUCK!!!!!).”


Yeah, kind of distracting, isn’t it?


Also, Luna and Twilight are apparently teaching Soren to defend himself. Isn’t it funny how Luna and Twilight are more qualified to do his job than he is?


As they are practicing, Pinkie Pie, the least liked pony of the author’s favorites, appears and says that the singers from the last story want to say “Hello.” Of course, being the perfect hero that he is, Soren stops training to say hello to characters who amount to nothing. And thank you, Pinkie Pie, for being reduced to a messenger for this story. That is the most she ever amounts to.



Hey, I didn’t write it.


Also, I remember Soren being distraught that he almost failed when the Doctor had to come save him and he ran off to train without endangering his friends. … He sure got over that fucking quick, I guess.


Soren: Hmm… Well, I was going to isolate myself to protect all of my friends and family, but then I remembered, Luna has boobs. … Yeah, I’m staying. Screw your safety, I’m getting me some moon tonight!



So, Soren goes to see the singer twins and they ask what’s been happening lately. And our quirky hero has this to say…

"Oh you know, little things like: finding my lost family, reuniting Twilight with a long lost friend, and there's that Nightmare Guardian I have to stop. Nothing big." Soren could help but smile after that sarcastic listing.

Ha, ha, ha, I have no reaction to all these life changing events, whatsoever. I’m so bland.


Seriously, Rainbow Dash reacted to being an alien better than Soren does to all these things!

"You sound like an interesting pony to be around, but we figured that out a long time ago."

Well, that makes one.


The girls ask if Soren wants to sing with them, but Soren explains that he has important work to do… Which he interrupted by wanting to say hello to them. Glad we could establish these characters again in a not time wasting way. Say goodbye everyone, the girls were only here to remind us they’re in this story.

Goodbye, girls! See you later! Hope you girls have better luck in other stories!


After that important scene, Soren goes back to practice some more of his fire magic and if the story wasn’t ripping off Avatar the Last Airbender quite enough for your tastes, here’s the scene where Soren burns Luna using his fire magic.

Within seconds, the snake of fire he was controlling nearly doubled in length. As the snake of fire jumped from rock to rock to burnt tree, Soren was finding it increasingly difficult to control the thing. Eventually, Soren was straining so hard that the spell snapped, and the fire exploded into every direction. After he heard the fire scatter, Soren then heard a scream of pain from nearby. He looked to his left and saw Luna sitting on the ground, holding her right side.


"Luna, what happened?" Soren asked worriedly. "The fire hit you, didn't it?"

But… Luna, because our hero is just so perfect, instantly forgives him. Yeah, I think that’s how Last Airbender did it! I’m starting to see how this is going. The author loved Avatar the Last Airbender, but decided it wasn’t glorifying himself enough for him. So, he rewrote the entire series as a love letter to himself! God, wouldn't that make so much sense?

"Thank you, Twilight Sparkle. Burns are not one of the most pleasant pains." Luna looked at Soren and could tell that he felt extremely guilty for her getting burned.

Ah, so we are readying the BDSM scenes. I didn’t know Luna was into that type of stuff.

Soren, it wasn't your fault. We were the one who instructed thee to increase the amount of fire."

Oh, of course! I mean, why would it be his responsibility?! Why would his mistake be anything but his fault? Why would him practicing in a library, a confined space, using a dangerous element, rather than… oh, I don’t know… Out in the fucking open be his fault? Wow, this hero is teaching me all kinds of good morals. It isn’t ever my fault if something bad happens. He just inspires so much.


… Yes, there is a bit of animosity here. Fucking deal with it.

"Girls...I don't think I can use fire...at least not until I fight Night Wing," Soren said seriously.

Why not Aang? I mean, Aang. I mean, Aang. I mean… No, I meant Aang.


And isn’t it odd how he knows the specific time when he will use fire magic? In the show, Avatar the Last Airbender (I’m counting this as a Last Aribender/MLP crossover. Apparently the story needs it.) Aang never wanted to use firebending after burning Katara and thus was afraid of learning firebending despite the entire world needing him to learn it. It was out of fear that he never wanted to learn it and he was hesitant about learning it, even after he found a firebending teacher.


So, why would Soren be so confident that he knew he would get over his fear, so specifically? It makes no sense! Does Fluttershy know exactly when she’s not going to be afraid?! Was one of the lines in ‘Sonic Rainboom’ from Rainbow Dash “I’m never going to be able to perform the Sonic Rainboom unless one of my friends is in mortal peril and Celestia is too lazy to save their asses!”


So, after the shock and horror of what Soren had done to hurt Luna using fire magic, claiming that he would never use fire magic unless it was to defeat a villain, what does Soren do? … Take a guess…

When Soren was alone, he decided to try something to vent his frustration. After stretching his wings, Soren flew up into the air. While up there, he gathered some magic and released it in a pillar of fire. The fire swirled around itself as it continued to go so high that most of Equestria could probably see it. 'The Elemental Guardian when angered' was Soren only thought as he continued the spell.


Chapter 1! CHAPTER FUCKING 1! I THINK THIS IS LITERALLY A RECORD PEOPLE! CHAPTER FUCKING 1 AND I ALREADY WANT TO MURDER KITTENS AND EAT PUPPIES! PRAY FOR THE APOCALYPSE PEOPLE! WE STILL GOT 24 MORE CHAPTERS OF THIS SHIT!


So, after Soren’s little outburst, he starts looking for Luna and Twilight but runs into Rarity. Rarity explains that she is sorry about being angry and him and her friends before… in the previous story?


Yeah, I have no idea what event they are talking about. I looked over the previous story, but I couldn’t find what moment in this story they are possibly talking about. The only thing I can fathom is when the Nightmare Forces took over Soren and Twilight’s friends. But even then, why is Rarity apologizing? Soren was under mind control too!


Oh, yes, I forgot! Soren doesn’t need to apologize because he is pure and good and just. All of these things that Rarity clearly isn’t.


Anyway, Soren reassures Rarity that they’ll always be friends and thank God he was there to cheer Rarity up, instead of, you know, her friends! Why don’t you just have sex with every character who is sad? You know you want to! It wouldn’t make this fic more stupid! We have Soren for that.


He heads to the Ponyville library and meets up with Spike to ask about Luna and Twilight. Spike response thusly…

"Heya, Soren," Spike greeted. "Do you need something? Perhaps a bed?" Spike laughed as he saw that Soren was about ready to collapse on the doorstep.

Ha, ha, ha! You want him to pass out and die…. Actually, I’m 100% behind that, Spike. Good job.

Don’t get used to it, you little freak. But if it’s a choice between something else and Soren, I’ll always side with the thing that isn’t trying to be Jesus.


So, Soren goes to Luna and whispers in her ear something that is most likely where the story took a turn for the worst for me. And that’s saying something…

"Luna, can you come here real quick?" Without saying anything, the princess walked up to Soren and sat beside him. Soren then proceeded to whisper in his marefriend's ear. "Find the Doctor for me." Soren then collapsed and fell asleep. Twilight looked at Luna, who was still trying to figure out why Soren needed the Doctor.

So, yeah… apparently this is a Avatar the Last Airbender/Doctor Who/My Little Pony crossover fic. Why don’t we just go all the way and put in all the characters that our author likes in a story for no bull-shit reason at all other than to worship the ground that the author walks on?! Hell, it worked so well in Queen Annalese.


… I didn’t review that fic… Here’s the link to that one… Surprisingly it’s better than this one… But not by much…


So, apparently the Doctor is a main character in this story and Twilight seems to know a lot about him. As she talks about how villains and monsters of his universe are coming to Equestria and Twilight is trying to figure out why. How did this story go from trying to stop a cult from resurrecting Nightmare Moon, which has still not been dealt with, to the Time War?


What the hell connects them?!


Also, it is here that I have a really difficult time telling who is talking when. I realize that it just back and forth, but… Well, let me show you…

"Hey, Twilight," Soren said groggily. "Can I help you? You look like you're trying to read my mind."


"Who did you tell Luna to find?" she asked.


"It's private."


"Does it involve the Doctor?" Soren paused.


"...yes."


"Thank you for being honest with me. That's all I wanted to know."


"All I want is some information from him, that's all."


"He always owes somepony information, even me."


"Twilight..."


"I'm fine, Soren. I just...miss him."


"Maybe this will help you. Is Doctor from this world?"


"How did...? No...he's not."


"From the stories you've told me, I can guess that ever since the Doctor showed up, his enemies or animals from his world have also shown up. This also leads me believe that the longer the Doctor stays here, the more our two worlds combine. Maybe he's trying to fix this, and as a result, he is leaving more often and staying away longer. I know for a fact that if he loved you, he would never want to leave you for good." Twilight smiled at Soren's ridiculous theory.

Wow, that’s some bad talking head syndrome right there. Also, if you got a little lost of who is talking when, you are not alone. There were a couple of moments when I had to go back and reread a passage because I wasn’t sure who was talking. Maybe it’s just me and there are only two ponies left in the room, but there should be a little easier way to indicate who is talking. I realize you don’t want to write out ‘he said, she said’, but at least something. A movement, a twitch, a blink? Hell, it would help destroy the talking head syndrome!



Anyway, after cheering Twilight up, (God, Rarity and Twilight? How would the main six survive without this guy?) Soren does the only thing he’s good at… Napping.


Here’s to a hoping for a few sleeping during intense moments joke like in the last one.


He wakes up by…

"SURPRISE!" cheered five voices. Soren screamed and teleported away.

He teleported into the heart of the sun and burned to death… No, there is no joke there. I just really want this character to fucking die. Though knowing this character, he’d probably end up being Death’s college buddy or something and Death let him have a second chance because he helped him with his homework.

"Forgive us, Soren," Luna apologized. "We wanted to see if you would be scared by the same trick twice." Luna started to hold back a laugh. "And it appears that it worked again." Soren rolled his eyes and teleported himself to the floor.


"Why are you all here?" Soren asked.


"We wanted to check on you after Rarity said you looked like you could barely stand," Rainbow Dash explained.

So, you wanted to check up on him when he could barely stand… by yelling at him at the top of your lungs? … I’m starting to think the characters in this story are getting dumber by standing near Soren for a period of time.


Soren then explains why the Doctor is so important to his plan. See, Soren wants to find a book about learning Natural Elements. Once he’s studied and learned all the elements, he’ll return to the present in order to fight Nightmare Wing.

"That is probably the smartest plan of action right now," Luna said.

No… No, it isn’t.


One, if the Doctor can take him back in time to find a book about the Elements, why can’t he take Soren back when the Nightmare Forces were weakened by the Elements of Harmony and destroy them there instead of waiting for them to get stronger?


Two, Celestia has been around for 1000+ years. I think she’d have extensive knowledge and a pretty fucking big library at this point. How could she not have the book you are talking about? Did you even fucking ask her? No, of course not. Because she’s not your favorite character.


Three, how do you know that a book like this would even exist? Did it come to you in a dream off screen?! Were you just talking to random ponies and they just happened to mention that a magical book was lost in time and you just assumed that it was real?


Four, even if you did figure out that a book like that existed, how will you know where to look? You have given no time stamp of when it might have appeared or where in a period of time!


Five, you have the fucking DOCTOR! He has defeated some of the most powerful and intelligent begins in the universe! Why is he suddenly just a taxi driver and not a hero like he fucking should be?!



Twilight asks if she can go with them, but Soren says that it’s not up to him and it’s up to the Doctor. Oh, so Twilight and Luna are going to join the Doctor to become Soren’s companions… Yeah, it’s stupid, but we all know that’s where this story is going.


Later that night, Soren gets a vision of Nightmare Wing. It turns out that Nightmare Wing is just misunderstood and needs a stallion like Soren to show her the way. … I’m not even kidding…

"That may be true, but that pony told us to quit now before we hit the point of no return. If he makes a threat like that, he has something, or someone, to back it up." Night Wing paused. "I say it doesn't matter. I've been around for at least two years and I can still say that even if I give up and try to live my life, I won't fit in anywhere. I was created by Nightmare Moon to resurrect her when she fell, yet...I want to be something more than just a mare whose only goal in life is to resurrect her queen."

The next morning Soren, after keeping up with Rainbow Dash’s speed, gather Twilight’s friends to talk about the dream he had that night. And we get this line…

Soren and Rainbow Dash only managed to gather about half of their friends at Sugarcube Corner. The others were still tired and refused to come to the shop until they rested a little more.

So, the fate of the world is hanging in the balance and some of the friends refuse to get out of bed. Yeah, you want to know who the three are… Twilight, Rarity and Fluttershy… That’s right… The main hero of the show… And my two favorite characters. They care more about their beauty sleep than saving the world… Thank god this isn’t an insult to their characters, otherwise I’d be completely offended by this.


:applejackconfused: Fluttershy, help! That manticore is going to eat me!


:fluttershysad: I’d really love to help you, Applejack, but… I’m just so tired… I’m going to take a quick nap… Can you handle it until then?


:applejackconfused: Um… Rarity?


:duck: I’d love to, darling. But I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. Be a dear and keep the manicore away while I catch my beauty rest, will you?


:applejackconfused: Um… Twilight? This manticore is ripping out my organs… Maybe you could use a spell to stop it?!


:facehoof: Seriously, Applejack! I am trying to sleep!


:ajbemused: I knew I shouldn’t have made fun of Apple Bloom’s Manticore Slaying Cutie Mark.


Soren explains the dream to Twilight’s friends and shares his belief that Nightmare Wing can be changed to good. Of course, being the closed minded heroes that they are, the main six do not believe him. After all, they’ve never seen villains in their show that have reformed. Oh, fucking wait!






But, Soren, being the perfect hero that makes me want to take a shotgun up his perfection and pull the trigger several times, (don’t take that out of context) is convinced that he can save this mare. Twilight isn’t behind this, but agrees to let it go for now.


They go to get some breakfast when Celestia sends a letter to Twilight. Oh, yeah, Celestia is in this story.

"To my faithful student,


Please do not stop reading this letter, for that would disrupt the timing. I can usually assume that Soren or Luna are with you as you are read these letters. My sister has informed me of Soren's plan of studying the Natural Elements, and I agree that this may be the best course of action for him.


As Soren works on his portion of the master plan against the Shadow Horses, it is time for the rest of you to do your parts also. Twilight, you are to accompany my sister and come to Canterlot. I will explain more once you arrive. The rest of your friends are to go from town to town, secretly recruiting ponies to fight in the upcoming battle. The ponies that you find will need to go to the Royal Castle and train with the Royal Guards.


In order to help Soren with his plan, I have included a special gift that is sure to surprise him and all of you. The reason I asked for you to never stop reading this was to perfectly time the gifts arrival. As you finish reading this sentence, he should start arriving..."


The second Spike finished that sentence, a familiar whirring noise could be heard. Soren and Twilight turned to face the appearing TARDIS, and then everyone else did the same.

Okay, how in the nine circles of hell did Celestia know the exact time that the Doctor was going to arrive?! Did she calculate Twilight’s ‘words read per minute’?! What if Twilight was reading a little slower today or opened up the letter a few seconds later, like she was in the bathroom or something? And it’s not like the doctor had somepony from the past send him a letter or something! Oh, I’ll come back to that!


:twilightsmile: To my faithful student, Please do not stop reading this letter, for


Hello, I’m the Doctor.


:twilightangry2: Do you mind?! I’m trying to read a letter here!



So the Doctor arrives to pick up Soren, but warns him that attempting to change Night Wing is pointless and that he will die if he does, but Soren is convinced that he can and ignores the Doctor’s warning.


So, not only is he spitting in the face of the main six, but he’s spitting in the Doctor’s face. Good to know.


Our next chapter begins with Soren already mastering Air Magic. … I think I’ve just confirmed that this is a Last Airbender ripoff.

"That was more studying than I thought I would do in one seating," Soren complained after studying in the Prance Library. The two stallions were walking through the big city towards the TARDIS.


"At least you have a head start in air magic," the Doctor pointed out.

So, after doing absolutely nothing in their current location, the pair decide to travel to the days of Starswirl the Bearded. I can’t wait to see how this character gets fucked in the ass.


As they enter the Tardis, Soren notices a particular statute in the Doctor’s Tardis… No. … No. He didn’t… He fucking didn’t…

"I never noticed this statue here before. Where did you get it?"


"Statue?" Then the Doctor's eyes widened. He turned to face Soren and his face paled upon seeing the statue Soren was referring to. "What ever you do, keep looking at it!" Soren jumped at the Doctor's change of volume.


"Why?" Soren asked. "It's just a statue."

Yes… for those of you Doctor Who fans in the audience, a Weeping Angel just appeared in the Tardis. … Let me repeat that… A Weeping Angel is in the Tardis!


For those of you who are unaware of who the Weeping Angels are… Here’s a quick summary. Weeping Angels are creatures that have the appearance and abilities of a statue when they are seen. When they aren’t, they are murderous creatures that stalk their prey like hunters and they are one of the most dangerous enemies in the Doctor Who universe.


You know it’s funny, I watched the episode the Weeping Angels first appeared in ‘Blink’ and you know what, THEY COULDN’T GET IN THE FUCKING TARDIS!


They needed the Doctor’s key to get into the Tardis or they needed to break into it. How the fuck did a Weeping Angel get into the Tardis without the Doctor or anybody else noticing? Did the Doctor just leave the front door open? My god, this is stupid!



So, Soren, being the master of awesomely contrivances that he is, is able to create an illusion that somehow tricks the Weeping Angel and the doctor and he suck the angel into a black hole. Pacing, ha… Who needs it?



So, they arrive at Canterlot 300 years ago, where they go to the library. A library that was abandoned for years. When suddenly, they are attacked by the Weeping Angels again. Soren and the Doctor get trapped… Somehow… and Soren has to once again save the Doctor.


Yep, this original character who is SO revolutionary… is apparently cooler than the Doctor…

And just in case you were all wondering, there is no point to this scene! At all! There is no reason for the Weeping Angels to be in this story! They do not further the plot and they cause nothing to be questioned, challenged, or resolved. They are simply there because they are the author’s favorite Doctor Who villains and because he wanted them in the story, not because of anything they actually can contribute to what is going on, right now.


In fact, that is a good way to summarize this story as a whole. The author throwing together his favorite characters, villains and set pieces whether they connect with each other or not. Similar to how the Disney 7 worked. It gives us a whole lot of nothing!


So, after that, with nothing really resolved, Soren and the Doctor decide to go on their next wacky adventure!


It’s like watching an older brother and a little brother playing pretend, except one of them keeps making up new rules to the game!



Back in Equestria, it has been two weeks since Soren and the Doctor left on their little trip. Twilight Sparkle has written to Celestia telling us what we already know. That Soren believes that Night Wing can be saved and that nopony is really sure of that. This scene was entirely pointless.


Back with the Doctor and Soren, they have apparently collected all the books they’ll ever need on elemental training, ALL OFF SCREEN!

So do we have everything?" the Doctor asked Soren. Soren looked at and counted all of the books about elemental spells that he and the Doctor have collected over their visits to many different libraries. The Doctor suggested to Soren that he should simply collect the books he needs and then study them when they return to Ponyville. Soren greatly missed that little town, and he especially missed his friends.

Wow, I actually thought it was just me getting bored with the story, but…


Wow… Even the author is getting bored with this story! Seriously, if the author doesn’t want to even bother with making the journey with the Doctor worth it for the character of Soren, learning new things and seeing the various places and ponies he could possibly meet, than what was the fucking point of involving him!


Seriously, think back to the last chapter! They traveled to the period where Starswirl the Bearded lived! And they didn’t even so much as talk to him! He was mentioned! That’s it! They never actually interacted with him or talked to him! How much of a ripoff would it be if any of the Doctor Who episodes mentioned famous historical figures like Shakespeare or Queen Victoria and then the show have the bollocks NOT to have the characters meet them?!



My guess is, the author wanted to do this high flying adventure with Soren and the Doctor, but then he missed Luna too much or couldn’t think of any adventures that he could do with his character, being as unbelievably powerful as he is, so he threw him back in Equestria so he could have some moon time! That’s it!



So, they get back to Equestria, the Doctor and Twilight are a thing, I guess, and they all live happily ever after…


Story over?



No, because we still have the pointless plot of Night Wing to deal with. Apparently that is still a thing. Luna explains that a spy has infiltrated the Nightmare Cult… How did they do that in the span of two weeks? Oh, who gives a shit. And that when they battle the Nightmare ponies, they will give Soren a chance to persuade Night Wing to their side. However, Twilight is against this plan and will fight back against Night Wing if necessary.


Luna and Soren approach the group after they kiss and make up.

"That took you longer than expected, Soren," Twilight commented.


"Luna had to scold me and explain some things first," Soren said.

… Well… up yours, dickweed. Seriously, way to present your girlfriend as a bitch, asshole! Why don’t you just replace her if you’re unhappy with her?!



What are you doing here?! Get out of here! Why does that elephant show up at the most random times?

"Since the Doctor and I were gone far longer than planned, I think we need to get down to business. I hear we managed to plant a spy in the Shadow Horses."


"It's true," Rainbow Dash said. "Luckily Princess Celestia managed to find a colt brave enough to try, and it was so worth it."

Yeah, I’m glad we saw this instead of just being told this. Honestly, this spy character sounds a lot more interesting than the overpowered God I’m reading about. At least have the story admit that he is a God-like entity. At least, then I’d know he’s giving us the middle finger.


Fortunately, the battle is in two weeks, giving Soren ample time to study to prepare for the battle. And by two weeks, the story means next chapter. Pacing… fuck it.


Soren continues to study, but he needs to figure out how to convince Twilight that he’s smart, she’s dumb, he’s big, she’s little, he’s right and she’s wrong and there is nothing she can do about it.

To do this, he asks Luna to help him give her the same dream he had that convinced him that Night Wing is actually a good pony. And thankful, Twilight is the only pony with a brain in this story and is pretty pissed off at the pony who invaded her privacy without her permission.

"Umm...me." Soren was slapped one second later. "I deserved that," he said while rubbing his cheek. "We didn't feel good about doing it if that makes it any better." Soren was slapped again. "Ow! What was that for?"


"That was for forcing me to see a dream without my permission. I figured this entire thing was your idea."

Twilight, you just became my favorite pony. I take back all the nasty things I said about you.

Okay, about 20% of the nasty things…


So a few days pass and Soren is pretty much maxing and relaxing until the threat comes to him. He would be studying, but Luna thinks it’s a better idea to be underprepared than over prepared. But let’s face it, even if Soren is underprepared, he has been shown to be so powerful that he could probably blow his nose at them and the fight would be over. That is how interesting it is to read about this character. Any threat that comes across to him that he is cowering in fear of is pointless due to his incredible power. This story could literally be over in a matter of seconds.


But, unfortunately, our characters are too stupid to figure that out. All except for Celestia, who has been preparing her army to battle the Nightmare Forces.

Earlier today, Princess Celestia sent letters to every trustworthy city and town.

Every trustworthy city and town? I don’t think towns and cities are living beings, bro!

Although it was depressing, the weather set the mood perfectly for tonight and tomorrow afternoon.

Well, at least the author knows he’s going to pointlessly kill off dozens of thousands of ponies for no good reason other than to have a Lord of the Rings style fight scene. As if this story could not be a bigger crossover.


Apparently there is also a problem, an eclipse is going to happen which will strengthen the powers of the Nightmare Forces. A problem that is a huge fucking deal… except for Celestia and Luna control the sun and moon. Or had we forgotten that detail?


It pretty much doesn’t matter what extra powers or abilities the Nightmare Forces would get during the eclipse because, unlike our world, the sun does not rise unless Celestia wills it. And the moon does not move unless Luna wills it. So, knowing that they know this information they are still allowing the eclipse to happen, even though they know the Nightmare Forces will get stronger as a result!


Maybe they are hoping that Night Wing will end up killing Soren and she can be the new main character of the story.


We can only hope.


So, after the army gathers, Soren takes command and talks to Twilight’s friends about what could be their final battle.

"I need to say something," Soren started. "These past few months that I have been in Ponyville have been exciting and fun, yet dangerous and stressful.

For the audience, it’s mostly just been dangerous and stressful.

I'm glad you all stuck with me until today.

Well, that would make one of us.

I have done nothing but put you all in danger, yet you still stayed by my side.

The Equestrians are kind of stupid that way.

I have put your lives at risk, but I have managed to save you at the same time.

Yeah, I killed your babies and set fire to your cities, but I at least gave you cookies afterwards.


Okay, so he gives his speech about how ‘Friendship is Magic’ and ‘All he’s learned’ and ‘Blah, blah, blah’ and I don’t care.


After that speech that was so awe-inspiriting, what’s the next thing that is different and new that we should be doing? More speeches! Wow, save some innovation for the rest of us, da Vinci. Celestia, Luna and Soren give speeches to the army the night before the battle, which was three days from when the first speech took place. Why was there a mist that gave the battlefield a depressing sight three days before the battle took place? Oh, never mind!


Luna and Celestia’s speech are pretty much nothing impress. Pretty lame as far as anything. Nothing too inspiring and nothing stupid enough to make fun of. It honestly feels like it’s just telling us plot points rather than inspiring soldiers. Now, Soren’s on the other hoof...

Soren took a deep breath and tried to relax as much as possible. "Some of you may be wondering what's so special about me.

From the moment I opened this story…


The speech ends… rather abruptly… I will say. It actually ends when a random stallion asks a question…

"How can we trust you to beat her?" a random stallion asked. "Some of us haven't even seen what can you do."

Ah, so I was at the battle of the ‘Nyrs’. Good to know. Actually, this doesn’t really make a lot of sense and just gives Celestia and Luna an excuse to talk about how wonderful Soren is. If Celestia, the pony who almost everypony in Equestria likes tells you that somepony is the only hope you have, wouldn’t you believe her? … I mean, I wouldn’t because I’m an asshole, but most ponies would!


The night before the battle Soren looks over the battlefield wondering what to do and let’s see… who hasn’t had a scene with Soren yet. Let’s see, we’ve had one with Rainbow Dash, Twilight, that was a given, Rarity and Pinkie Pie… Let’s do Fluttershy next…


No reason to. Let’s just use Fluttershy. They can talk about anything. Anything at all. How about Fluttershy not being able to see Soren again, even though they have never had much of a relationship to being with! My god, that Statue Salespony from ‘Trade Ya’ and Fluttershy had a better relationship than this! I at least believe the interactions between them!

"Because I'm scared that this may be the last time we see you." Soren could see that she was fighting back tears. Even Soren felt like he might start crying because of how sad she looked. Instinctively, Soren walked over and hugged her. He shushed her softly so she would relax.

And our first chapter of the three part Battle of the Niers ends with … nothing… Nothing happening at all. The most that happened in this chapter is that the army was gathered. Nothing as far as character development or furthering the plot… What a waste of a chapter…


Our next part in this three part Battle of the Nears begins with Soren promising that Luna and Rainbow Dash will not die during the battle. This is kind of funny because Soren is actually cheating on Luna with Rainbow Dash… That’s not a joke. That really did happen.


Soren flies off and finds the caves that Night Wing is hiding in. Her real name is Nyra, but I don’t care. Night Wing attacks Soren and the two begin to fight. Oh, I can’t wait for the two to go super saiyan, spending about 5 minutes fighting and then 20 minutes talking about how they are going to destroy one another.


They fight for a bit with Soren trying to convince her that she is evil and that she needs a big strong stallion to come and save her. Fortunately, our villain is trying to keep her brain and fights back. Come on, Night Wing, you can do this! Fight, win!

"A...Trust Spell?" Soren asked between gasps as he continued to lay there. "You do know...what happens...if you...betray me?" Nyra nodded. The Trust Spell is more dangerous than one first realizes. It connects two ponies together for as long as the caster wants. If one pony were to harm or lie to the other, then the betrayer will go through pain based on what they did. Nyra used the spell on Soren to make sure he wouldn't lie to her.

And that right there is why I don’t date unicorn mares, one Trust Spell and I might as well kiss my collection of stuffed animals good bye.


So, yeah, I guess with very little effort, Night Wing decides to trust Soren… to come up with a Trust Spell? You know what… whatever I need to believe to get this story over with quicker. I will believe raccoons can fly out of my ass as long as this story ends faster!



And the next scene we see with Night Wing goes like this…

'This conversation with Nyra is going nowhere!' Soren thought. 'She is still too stubborn to listen to reason.'

Yeah, because I believe that in the nothing we’ve seen. I truly believe that this is what we’ve seen! That Soren and Night Wing are having this conversation that has nothing in it!



Night Wing ends the Trust spell and attacks Soren… and Soren counters with… I can’t do this shit justice… Just… just…

So… where do I begin, hmm?


First of all, is this really the song you want to associate with your ‘hero’? This is the most grimdark/humorous song you could possibly sing! It talks about how he’s going to kill you to show his love interest how much of a better man he is! And this isn’t supposed to be satirical like it is in Dr. Horrible, this is suppose to be taken 100% seriously! Seriously?!


Is this an evil part of him? One that we are just barely finding out about?! Because apparently, he isn’t cliched enough so we had to throw in this demonic force out of God knows where!


And the song! Don’t get me wrong, I love Neil Patrick Harris! But is this seriously the song that you associate with Soren the Alicorn! Why don’t you just throw in The Vengeful One by Disturbed while you’re at it?!



So, the two fight for a bit, before the Singer Twins make an appearance… to give Soren some back up? Isn’t that like having Superman gets some backup from Ma Kent against Darkseid?

"She's so hot, she's so flippin' hot," replied a deeper but still familiar voice. Both Soren and Nyra turned towards the entrance, which was equal distance from them, and saw two pegasi standing there. Nyra didn't recognize them but Soren knew immediately that they were the Pega-Singers.

… So … do the Pega-Singers want to fuck her? Whatever…


But, with all our villains powers, all our villains abilities, all our villains magic comes with one solitary weakness! … Lightly bumping into her! … Wait, what?

Soren watched at the Pega-Singers began to sing and dance around Nyra. She constantly tried to blast them with magic and even tried to levitate them off the ground. Since she could only see one at a time during levitation, whenever she tried to levitate one, the other would bump into her to disrupt the spell, thus releasing the twin. Soren took this opportunity to set up a certain spell that would end this.

So, with this, Soren is able to cast a Horn Lock spell, and they stop Night Wing’s magic. Well, that was anticlimactic and the battle of Nyyyyers ends. Also, remember that eclipse that was suppose to make the Nightmares stronger? Yeah, didn’t that play such a huge role?


So, as punishment for her defeat, Soren plans on singing a song for her. Farewell, Night Wing. We hardly knew thee… A lot of truth to that statement…


And the song that Soren chooses to sing is ‘Undisclosed Desires’. Funny, that was the song that made Luna fall in love with him in the first story. Apparently, this song is the all powerful song that can tame the will of any savage beast. Fuck Beethoven and Wagner, the Muse is the greatest musical force in the universe.


And with that, Soren finally saves Night Wing from being killed by him… Only to be killed by Rainbow Dash… No, I’m not fucking kidding…

A sickening piercing sound echoed throughout the room. Soren managed to see what had just happened: a stalactite flew straight into Nyra's side, going through most of her body. She didn't scream in agony but simply fell over, shocked.

"WHO THREW THE ROCK?" Soren asked in a voice that rocked the room. With his flaming wings, glowing eyes, and slightly bloody forelegs, Soren was indeed a terrifying sight.

"I threw it!" Rainbow Dash yelled as she flew up to get in Soren's face. Without calming down, Soren's eyes turned normal, and they both floated back down at the same time. Soren still held the same, mad expression as he landed.


"Why?" Soren asked angrily. Rainbow Dash proceeded to explain to Soren how they were traveling through the Canterlot Caves to find me. Eventually they heard singing so they followed it. Within a few minutes, they found this room, and the first thing they saw was Nyra casting a spell. Panicking, Dash saw the stalactites on the ground, picked one up, and threw it across the room.


"Soren, I'm sorry," she apologized. "You know I wasn't trying to actually kill her. We just wanted to make sure you were safe." Soren didn't say anything right away. He walked away from them towards an empty portion of the room. Turning back to face his friends, Soren spoke again.

So, yes, Rainbow Dash just killed a pony in cold blood. This story actually had the ball testicals to make Rainbow Dash … into a murderer. … Holy fuck, this is the moment where the story finally jumped the fucking shark! And that is saying a fuck load! It wasn’t the horrible overpowered bullshit that jumped the fucking shark, it wasn’t the fact that he was Octavia’s sister, it wasn’t the convoluted backstory that is confused as fuck, but it was the fact that he turned a beloved character by about 50% of the fan base, into a cold blooded killer, accidental or not! Good fucking Christ! You just couldn’t accept it, could you?


You couldn’t accept that Rainbow Dash was the most popular character in the My Little Pony universe and not Soren! You just couldn’t accept that! So you had to make this last minute unrealistic, so far out of character that this might as well be Jason fucking Voorhees bullshit that makes Rainbow Dash look bad so we can make Soren look good. Fuck! YOUR! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!



…. …. …. I should just stop… I could easily stop the review right there… There is nothing … Nothing that can top this kind of stupidity… Unfortunately… for me… the story continues on…


So after Soren fucked the entire fan base of My Little Pony in the ass, Soren speaks with a voice in his head named Cain… I have no idea who this character is nor is he mentioned prior. I’m just going to assume that the story doesn’t care anymore and is just throwing together whatever it can. Soren decides to sing Night Wing one last song. Sure, why not? We haven’t had five songs dedicated to her!



But since the story is clearly out of it’s mind, I’ll put the song I will used to describe my situation.

So, we literally just had a song… What’s the next thing we should do- Oh, fuck it, you all know what’s coming next?

Soren noticed that although he thought Cain sang at the end, it was actually him that sang the last line. 'No!' he yelled at Cain. 'I'm not letting you fill my head with any more angry emotions or songs.' Soren ran over to the mouth of the cave and took a deep breath of fresh air. He managed to catch a glimpse of the mountain that Canterlot was built upon. Becoming saddened again, Soren decided to sing another song.


"I got dosed by you and

Closer than most to you and

What am I supposed to do

Take it away I never had it anyway

Take it away and everything will be okay

Oh, my god, are you trying to make up for how many songs you had to skip in order to actually have character development?! Was it really that hard to come up with an actual story for most of this, so instead of trying a little harder you actually decided to try a lot less?! The song takes of most of the words in this chapter. They tell us nothing about the characters, nothing about the situation, and are not entertaining because I can’t hear them. So, why are we wasting our time with this?!



So, the Doctor appears and tells Soren that Night Wing was always destined to die, so there really was nothing he or Soren could have done about it. … Well, thanks for that, Doc. It’s not like you could have told them or anything. Sparing Soren the pain and maybe Rainbow Dash wouldn’t have been a dick! But whatever… The Doctor says that he has to balance out Soren’s magic (Just pretend like you know what it means, believe me it will be a lot less painful) and then the Doctor…. Oh, Jesus shit, are you fucking kidding me?!

"You have to erase the Elements from my memory, don't you?" The Doctor nodded.


"But keeping one won't hurt you. Which one do you like the most?"


"I guess I'll keep Air...but Doctor, how could you of all ponies erase magic?" He chuckled.


"I won't be doing the erasing. She will." The Doctor pointed to the TARDIS, and her doors opened soon after. From those doors, Princess Luna walked out into the cave. The midnight mare looked sad as she approached Soren and hugged him.

What?! What?!... WHAT?! WHAT?! You mean to tell me that the last five fucking chapters of this story where he is learning the magic of the Elements to go on this dumbass Avatar the Last Airbender quest… has been for nothing?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!







………..






You know, Nicholas Cage… I think we are on to something here… Black Velvet would spice up the library a little bit…



What do you think, Shark Handpuppet?



… Hey, you’re right… Why are you called a handpuppet? … I don’t even have hands…


So… Luna tries to wipe out the Elemental Powers from Soren, except that Soren doesn’t like that and causes a backlash that knocks him and Luna out. … The guy really is an ass. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts beating her by the end of this.


Our next chapter begins with Twilight writing a letter to Princess Celestia about how heroic the main six were by stopping a forest fire! … I’m glad these events were told to us, rather than, oh, I don’t fucking know, shown to us in a way that shows that the main six don’t always need Soren to come and save their asses and are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves!



Apparently, during this fire, the main six run into a character in a black hood, because the story is bored of itself and it already wasted the Nightmare Forces plotpoint, so now it has to hastily throw in a villain without anything establishing it.

When we surrounded it, the pony began to speak. It was stallion, but what was strange was that he seemed to recognized us. (Also Rainbow Dash pointed out that this pony was a unicorn.) The strangest part, though, was how he talked; he only opened one eye at at time as he talked to us. (We couldn't see his face, just his glowing eyes.) One eye was glowing yellow and the other was glowing grey. As he switched eyes, his voice changed, almost like he had two ponies in him. One voice sounded slightly sinister, the other voice...sounded a little like the Doctor. I knew it wasn't, but that still raises the question: Who was this pony?

The main six confront this character, but he manages to get away. Well, it’s good to know that the characters we love are still as fucking useless as ever. Makes me really want to continue on.


We then cut to ..

Three Days Earlier

… You know… I’m not going to question it. An amature writter involving timetravel with no clear set of rules… I imagine this timeline is going to look like a tangled mess by the end of this.


And then… in one solitary moment… one moment… the story… actually does something… amazing… I know it is hard to believe, especially after everything we have just seen, but believe me when I tell you that this has the makings of something good! So, the Doctor takes Luna to her room for medical treatment after Soren and Luna had some kind of magic backlash when Luna tried to erase his memory. Celestia arrives and tries to aid her, only to find out that… Luna is perfectly fine… except one, itty, bitty, little, tiny, miniscule, little detail that she can’t quite remember…

"The Nightmare Guardian was here?! Who is this Soren stallion who apparently has the power capable of defeating her?"

Oh my god! This is glorious! Luna can’t remember who Soren is! Thus isn’t in love with him! And will no doubt send Soren into a depression because she will see Soren for who he really is and she will scorn his love for her and he will jump off a bridge and kill himself as a result! My children! This is a good day for us! Now is the time to celebrate! Shark hand puppet, dance with me!



Or this could be a chance to relive the dating part of the relationship since Soren and the author are incapable of wanting commitment.


DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME!


It turns out that Luna had decided to erase her memories of Soren rather than erase Soren’s magic… Then why the fuck did she agree to this plan with the Doctor.. oh, never mind! And because she didn’t erase the magic within Soren, his magic is still threatening to overwhelm him.


Yes, people, this story just told us that Soren is so powerful that it is literally killing him. Oh, the sweet irony.


Back over to the God that is literally killing himself, he is visited again by the evil voice in his head that tells him to listen to him when he says he wants to do bad things. Soren, of course, agrees. Well, I don’t see anything that could possibly go wrong with this scenario.


So it turns out that the forest fire our main six had to take care of was caused by the evil voice in Soren’s head… and Soren just lets it happen. Our hero, everypony! Will set fire to the city if a voice that he knows is evil tells him too. I imagine Darth Vader would have a field day with him.


The main six finally track him down and like I said before, he teleports away before the main six can catch him. All the while Soren and the evil voice in his head are arguing back and forth, almost like Soren allowing the evil voice in his head to take control was a really stupid idea.

'What are you looking for anyway? You know I can help right?'

'Yes because you're totally going to help an evil pony.'

'I can try to separate myself from you if you don't trust me.'

'We both know I'm not going anywhere, old friend.'

'We both know I'm more than capable of finding a way to get rid of you.'

'But why would you rid yourself of the only thing keeping you sane?'

So, Soren goes to Luna deciding that he’d better apologize for frying her brain, but shock of all shocks, Luna doesn’t remember who he is. Instead, Luna asks for his name and that sends Soren into depression. Ooooh, this is looking promising. All I need now is Murdering Moxie to have her way with him. Go into as much detail as you feel you need. Trust me, I’ll enjoy it.


We then cut to Twilight and her friends where they do the one thing they haven’t done in this fic thus far…

After Twilight and her friends encountered the hooded stallion, they gathered in the library to figure out what to do about him. They all agreed that they may know this stallion. With that in mind, the seven friends (including Spike) began to think.

I’ll be the first to admit, I actually thought they had forgotten they knew how to do that.


Twilight is able to figure out exactly what happen with Soren. I honestly have no idea how or why, but let’s see if you can do better…

"Yes, Spike?"


"I think I know who it could be," he said. Everypony became silent and stared at him. "Maybe it could be Soren." They all gasped in disbelief.


"Why would it be Soren?" Rainbow asked. Then everything began making sense for Twilight.


"Wait," Twilight interrupted. "Spike may be on to something. Do you girls remember that evil half of Soren we had to deal with? If you remember, we never stopped him; he just teleported away. What if he caught up with Soren and merged with him somehow?"

Are you kidding? It sounds more like she was reading the script rather than figuring anything out.


Back over to Soren, seriously this story can’t sit still for five minutes, it’s like a child on a sugar high. Soren is all sad because his little Luna doesn’t remember him. I don’t know why, I don’t plan to remember him after all this. And evil voice is concerned about his love life because despite his weakened mental state, evil voice cannot gain complete control over Soren. I’m slowly starting to think that evil voice is an incompetent idiot. Oh, and by the way, might as well forget about the Magical Overwhelming Powers thing. The story does too.

Cain decided to come back to Ponyville, for he felt Soren needed some kind of closure. (He never told Soren but the truth is that Cain can't continue his plan if Soren is completely out of it. Although Cain has an evil plan, it doesn't mean he is completely heartless. Since Soren, who Cain technically calls a friend, was struck with that much emotional turmoil, Cain decided to help him by taking Soren to Ponyville to find a friend to give him comfort.)

Well, thanks for that bit of character development that was told to us, rather than fucking shown to us! Seriously, you put his character development in parentheses! Why is evil voice’s character development in parentheses?! And why does evil voice care about Soren’s well being?! Why does he need Soren to begin with?! Why does he consider Soren a friend?! Why does he want to give Soren comfort?! Why is he not technically evil to the guy that basically threw him out in the street?!




Soren goes to find Rainbow Dash and explains everything that has happened to him. Rainbow Dash should probably do the smart thing and think he’s crazy, but she hasn’t show any intelligence yet due to her MURDERING A PONY IN COLD BLOOD. You know what, I’m calling you Killer Cranberry. Because clearly Rainbow Dash was killed by one in between stories.


After Soren explains his story and says the dumbest thing that has ever been said in the history of dumb things…

Soren then hugged her and whispered "Don't forget to cherish me."

I will cherish you when you are six feet under with several knife wounds in your face!



Soren and the evil voice go to the Castle of The Sisters where evil voice reveals his evil plan. And to Soren’s shock and horror, it is… to take over his body…

So Cain?'


'What is it?'


'Can you tell me what your plan is now?'


'If you really want to know. My plan is to make sure I stay with you forever. More accurately: I would be taking over your body.'

Oh, no! Who would have thought that an evil voice that tried to take over your body before would do the exact same thing if you let him this time?!

So a few days pass before Soren’s body is to be completely taken over by the evil voice. What the fuck has he been doing while he’s waiting for the evil voice to take him over? Sticking his thumb up his butt and reciting the alphabet backwards?!


But thankfully the Doctor arrives to banish the evil spirit out of Soren. Oh, good another plot point introduced as quickly as it is resolved. I don’t think the entire Harry Potter franchise had this many plot points! And the Doctor shows the evil voice a stone that allows him to use magic, even though he’s never needed magic before but I guess when you don’t have to care, you don’t have to explain anything.

"Oh but that's where you're wrong. I do have a plan, and it's absolutely brilliant!" The Doctor pulled something out of his brown mane. It was a light blue rock in the shape of an eight pointed star. "Do you know what this is, Cain? I bet you don't. This is what's going to help me save Soren...by allowing me to use magic!"

The Doctor explains how he plans to use this magic to cause some kind of paradox which will somehow prevent Soren from being taken control of or some shit like that. Look, I don’t fucking care anymore. I’m just trying to make it through this thing with some semblance of sanity left. And the evil voice is defeated… Yay. Two villains defeated in one story. I think that calls for the ending. But of course it isn’t… because we have 10 more chapters… … Hooray…


The next day, Soren recovers from him passing out, he seems to do that a lot in this story, and wakes up feeling new and refreshed. Maybe now we’ll actually see something interesting. Oh, who am I kidding? Two stories and we haven’t seen Jack Shit!

"Looks like the crazy alicorn is finally awake," Spike joked.


"Heh, give me a break. I was almost possessed...again.

You choose to listen to an evil voice!

"Hey Spike? You're never really with us when we go off on some crazy adventure. Don't you ever feel left out?"


"Twilight asked me this before. I guess you can say I feel left out, but after seeing all the damage that those adventures can cause, I think I would prefer to stay in the library. I couldn't be that much help to you guys anyway."

And yet, I’d rather watch Power Ponies again than have to sit through this shit.


Soren is let go from the hospital after a day and goes to see Twilight’s friends. At Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie throws an ‘Unfortunately, Soren is still alive’ party where they all take turns throwing darts at his picture on a dartboard. Ironically, Luna got the highest score.

Soren only took one more step forward before he was tackled by Pinkie Pie. Luckily, Spike jumped off of Soren's back in time. As she gave Soren a bear hug, Pinkie Pie was so happy to see him that she began to talk so fast that Soren couldn't understand her.


"You were unconscious for one day and you already have mares all over you," Rainbow joked. Soren got out of Pinkie's chokehold and wiped himself off.

Well, gee, Cranberry, when you put it that way, it sounds really stupid.

Soren laughed once again before he and Spike sat down with the three mares. The conversation started, and Soren quickly learned that his friends haven't been doing that much since he left.

As we all know from the show, the main six’s lives are pretty fucking boring without him.


They break the news that Luna’s lost her memory of him and that she’s better off for it. Soren gets heartbroken and goes off to commit suicide. Oh, wait, that’s my version of the story. Soren actually does start blaming himself for what happened, but Twilight of course, explains that it wasn’t his fault. Again, no need to take responsibility for your actions! It’s only a heroic thing to do!


But he shouldn’t feel sad about Luna because he’s got the mare he was cheating with. Cranberry. Oh, you all forgot about that? Oh, I made sure I didn’t. Yep, in the last story, Soren was cheating on Luna with Cranberry. … Our hero, everyone. The pony we are supposed to look up to in this story.


And I just noticed something… Something I never thought I would say… This story… This relationship between Soren and Luna… and how it ended… is somehow WORSE than One More Day.


In One More Day, for those of you who aren’t comic book guys, Peter Parker and Mary Jane sell their marriage to the devil to save someone Peter loves. It was a stupid and idiotic as it sounds. And was only made to so that the author’s daughter could get with Spider-Man. And Luna… forgets that she was in love with Soren… so that Soren can get with Cranberry.


There! Are you happy story?! You made me compliment One More Day?! ONE MORE FUCKING DAY?! I HOPE YOU BURN IN ACID!


Twilight comes up with an idea that blows everypony’s mind. Because everypony is feeling down, why doesn’t Soren sing for the town? And you guys didn’t believe me when I said the author hates Pinkie Pie. So, he goes to Vinyl and his sister, Octavia and plans a big party for all of Ponyville. Oh, I hope he has another song to sing that has nothing to do with the situation to begin with. This story is as good at choosing songs for scenes as Mykan is.


So, they have their big party. Want to see what happened in it? Of course, you do. But the story decided, “Nah, that’s not nearly interesting enough! Let’s show you guys this, instead.”

The party was amazing! For once, even Octavia was glad the party lasted for so long. Soren sang at least 15 songs, 3 of which were with Twilight. His throat was a little sore but he didn't care; he was having too much fun.

Jesus, this is making the Basketball game from the Disney 7 look like a Steven King novel.


After a night of partying, the Doctor appears and tells Soren that in order to start a new relationship with Cranberry, he has to kill two or more ponies. Don’t believe me, check this out.

"What fun is there in telling you exactly what you can do? I'll tell you in the form in a riddle: When a new relation is formed, a life or two must be taken."

Ooooh, I can’t wait for Soren to turn into a homicidal maniac. It might make him a little interesting… But not likely.


So, Soren and Cranberry go on their date together… Kind of odd, considering only a little while ago Cranberry murdered a pony in cold blood, but I guess since it’s the main character’s girlfriend, it’s completely forgivable. Now, if it had been Derpy who killed her, pfft, there’d be hell to pay!


Speaking of Derpy, Soren gets a vision about Derpy. Yes, I know she’s called Ditzy in the story, but I’m calling her Derpy because I’ve always called her Derpy.


And, just to confirm how much the story hates the brony community, here’s a line from Cranberry about all your favorite characters. Who is your favorite background pony? Maybe Octavia and Vinyl for their friendship or possible homosexual relationship. Screwloose, for her journey of psychotic to mentally stable pony who is now a part of our society. Twist, a young girl who realizes that she lost her friend when she gained her cutie mark. Derpy… Hell, I don’t need to explain Derpy.


So, now that you have that background pony in your mind… How do you feel about this?

"Unless the Doctor knew Ditzy, I don't think-" Soren paused abruptly. "Wait..."


"What?"


"Do you think it's possible that the Doctor had another pony companion before Twilight?"


"Wow." It was now Soren's turn to say 'What.' "It's nothing really. I just find it funny how there aren't many smart, interesting ponies in Ponyville besides our group of friends."

Wow… just… wow… I mean, I didn’t think this story could insult the brony community and our favorite characters more than it did, but… That’s really something. That’s really something amazing, I’m not going to lie. I mean, I’m sure you are all expecting some big speech about how stupid this is and how insulting this is but… Honestly… I’m spent. I’ve spent all my rage and anger about how insulting this story is. … Maybe this is why no reviews have been done of this because at this point most other ponies would have given up, and for good fucking reason. But… being the … ever loving idiot that I am… We continue…


So, Soren and Cranberry go to meet Derpy and confront her about being one of the Doctor’s companions. Seriously, I know it’s a popular headcanon, but how did this story go from Nightmare Forces to the fucking Doctor?! Seriously, how?! I know I’m dwelling, but that really fucking bothers me!



During his interrogation, the Doctor… appears in his head… and talks to him… If it sounds like I have no idea what the fuck is going on… That’s probably because I don’t.


Okay, from what I can gather, the Doctor has some kind of evil spirit within him and Derpy was a victim of domestic abuse from him and that the evil spirit came to him from Discord who is now in this story for some reason. Yeah, that’s never explained how he is able to put an evil spirit in the Doctor’s body or whatever. Honestly, if you are confused, it’s probably for the best you don’t give this story any more of your time.


They use an Emergancy Stone to signal the Doctor to come to their time, don’t ask, and they claim that there is still a part of him that is evil. And… tell me what this sounds like to you!

"How can that nice looking pony possibly be evil?" Pendant asked.


"He is nice, but apparently he still has a little 'evil' left in his conscience," Twilight replied before looking at Soren. "Soren, you mentioned that the Doctor's conscience told you that witnessing his past can help him. How will that help?"

Okay… Do you think ‘evil’ is a disease or something? That you can just cut it out like a cancer or cure it with a shot?! It’s fucking evil! Everypony has a little bit of evil in their consciousness, you dumbass! But just because we have it, doesn’t automatically make it so! It’s the act of doing something evil that makes it evil, not just having it in our consciousness!


Soren goes to sleep, not that I blame him, I’d fall asleep too if I had to experience his life, and goes into the Doctor’s head to try and figure out what’s wrong with him. However, before going to dreamland, he ask Cranberry to sleep with him. And because of that, Cranberry, somehow, ends up in the same dream that Soren is in. Hey, if The High Road can use that dumbass explanation, I guess it can work here!


And why did Cranberry have to come along with Soren. So, she could watch Soren beat the shit out of the Doctor. Oh, yes. You heard that right. Soren is beating the shit out of the Doctor. Granted, it’s only the evil spirit that lives in the Doctor’s head, but hell, it’s still the Doctor. That’s what the story calls him. And way to have Cranberry reduced to a witness to how great and wonderful Soren is. God, that guy is just so amazing.


During the fight, Soren is possessed by… I don’t know, Doctor Magic? And starts to turn evil. He asks Cranberry to knock some sense into him, which she does. Literally. Like hoof to the face moment. Given what is going to happen right after, this is my happy place for the next year and a half.


The fight starts to go bad for Soren and Soren does what many of us should aspire to be like…

"You're going to hate me for what I'm about to do," he said before he lifted a hoof.


Rainbow then found herself in Soren's room. She looked at the bedroom window and saw that it was now sunset. Looking at Soren's sleeping form, Rainbow thought one thing: 'That son of a mule actually hit me.




Yep… You just saw that. Soren actually had the ball testicals to hit Cranberry. The stallion who says he loves somepony so much actually resorts to domestic abuse.


… Our … hero…


So, McBeatshiswife tells Cranberry to get Twilight so that they can defeat the Doctor. They do so and I am going to be honest, I’m rushing through this as quickly as possible.

"Dear, sweet Rainbow Dash," Soren whispered. "I told you that the plan was flawless, yet you still doubt me." Using the last of his strength, Soren lifted his head and gave Rainbow a kiss on the cheek before drawing his last breath. Both Twilight and Rainbow were in complete shock about Soren.

Soren: Well, you let me die and you ignored my plan. I’d say that means twelve belt whippings for you.


:rainbowhuh: But I didn’t even know what your plan was.


Soren: And for that you’re getting another twelve, you stupid bitch!


So, the fight with the Doctor puts Soren in a coma. But let’s face it, it’s a cheap way to make a Jesus metaphor without actually doing the resurrection thing. And Pinkie Pie says what is the most poetic justice line in the entire thing. Think of all the abuse that Pinkie has been through throughout the entire thing and how badly everyone, including The OC Abuser, treats her. Now, that Soren is in a coma. What does she have to say about the situation?

"This sucks," Pinkie Pie whined randomly, causing Twilight to snap out of her thoughts.

… That is so … disinterested in how bad their situation that I think Pinkie Pie was actually paid to say that line. God, could you just see her saying this with the same interest that Willy Wonka would when showing concern for one of the children?

"This sucks," Pinkie Pie whined randomly, causing Twilight to snap out of her thoughts.

The six go through all the important things that Smacksabitch has meant to them. Funny enough, it’s the same amount of important things that he has meant to me.


I’m not even kidding. Look, look!

Fluttershy was the first one to talk to Soren. Since she didn't know what to say, the timid pegasus simply told Soren that they all appreciated him and his hard work.

Rarity was the next one to go. She wanted to cry when she walked in but decided to stay strong. She also didn't say much to him. She told Soren how brave he was to fight and fix everything to keep Ponyville safe.

Finishing her one-sided conversation with her friend, Applejack walked out of the room and looked at her friends. "Ah only apologized to him," she told them. Rainbow patted her friend on the back to comfort her.

Pinkie Pie decided to go next. No pony remembered how long she was in there because as soon as they saw a crying Pinkie Pie exit Soren's room, the five mares started to comfort her. They didn't ask anything; they just allowed her to let it out.

When Twilight saw her tears drop onto the floor, she got up and walked out of the room. Seeing that Twilight also began crying, her friends didn't ask anything of her as well, just like Pinkie

After walking out of the room, Rainbow was asked for the gist of what she said to Soren. "I don't wanna talk about it" were her only words before sitting on the floor. Her friends didn't press her more; they knew she was serious.

You know, it’s funny… If not even the story can tell us what makes Slappy Soren so special to the main six, how does the story expect the characters to tell us what makes him special to them? And if the main six can’t tell us what makes him special, why should we give a shit? This is the moment where their ‘friend’ might die and they have nothing… literally nothing to say to him! At least, that’s what I believe because, the conversations are never explored upon.


We are never shown anything of what these characters might have learned from Sir Hitsalot. Nothing is ever shown how each of the characters grow, or learn, or teach, or rebuild, or interact, or disagree, or anything that any character would go through with another character!


So, after an entire chapter of the Main Six singing his praises after he wakes up. I’m not even kidding… An entire chapter made for the Main Six to suck his cock. Oh, yeah, because they weren’t doing that enough!


But things are pretty bad for our heroes as the Doctor explains that HitsRainbowDashLikeaBongo will have to go up against the Master. A Doctor Who villain who is a rival time lord and the Doctor’s polar opposite.


So, they attack the Master… wow, that was some fucking buildup… Would sure make the Lord of the Rings shorter…


Gandalf: We must destroy the Ring.


Frodo: Let’s do it!

So, the Doctor and BeatonCranberrySauce get captured by the Master and Queen Chrysalis, because… Because.


But Rocky’sMeatCarcass performs her Sonic Rainboom to free them and defeat the Master and Chrysalis.


And the entire city holds a party for TakesasludgehammertoRainbowDashbecausethat’stheonlythinghe’sgoodforinthispieceofshitstory, and everypony is happy this story is finally over. But nopony more than me!



HOLY FUCK BALLS ON A SHIT SANDWICH WITH A SIDE ORDER OF SHIT AND A LARGE DICKFUCK WITH EXTRA, EXTRA EXTRA COCKSAUCE!





I mean, christ, what is this? What the fuck did I just read? What the fucking hell did I just read? This story is beyond shit!



The plot is all-over the place! There is no focus, no central theme or plot, no care put into it. The character is a joke. He is literally a joke! This is the kind of OC’s that get made in order to make fun of shitty OC’s and yet we are supposed to take this character 100% seriously! Yeah, a character we are supposed to take seriously is also a character that is a joke.


The other characters are a joke in this as well. All they are is to worship the ground that the character walks on! That is all they are! The relationships are a joke! They never feel real! And the idea of switch Luna with Rainbow Dash for no fucking reason whatsoever is bullshit! Seriously, did you just get bored with Luna?! Was Luna speech pattern too difficult to write so you just moved on to an easier character? Or are you going to switch to Twilight in the next story because Rainbow Dash ‘can’t take the stress of being in love with a great hero like you’?


The backstory for this character is a joke! It never comes into play, or shows us how he became the pony he is! Everything about this story is a fucking joke, except that the story thinks that it’s supposed to be this Lord of the Rings style epic!


And as I read the author’s note, one piece of solitary evidence falls into place. Making everything make complete and total sense…

Now I don't know if any of you will care, but the main reason that every event in the story takes place isn't because I decided it to be so, it's because everything was in a dream. Yes, I am not lying, everything that happened up to this point was a dream. I had many lucid dreams as Soren. They connected like a story and I wrote down the details of what happened. After I personally added conversations, Soren The Alicorn was made. I won't care if any of you think I'm crazy or lying or something. What happened happened.

You know what? I actually believe it… I actually believe it. You know why? … Because that is how it feels it was written…


This story has nothing that connects to it at all. This story feels like random plots that were thrown together without any sense of context or connectivity. They were just thrown in their whether they made sense or not. And it shows. It shows, big time.


Soren the Alicorn was made by randomly throwing whatever thoughts came to mind and making a story about that without any care, passion or thought. And that is why this fic, is one of the worst stories I have ever had to sit through. Period. I feel sad for anyone who actually had to read this thing. I feel sad for anyone who had to experience it. And I especially feel sad for me, because there are two more of these that promise to be ‘more interesting’. Which means, even more confusing and stupid.


… Keep your small animals away from me for a while!



Come on, Shark Hand… Hoof Puppet … thing… I need a drink.


Comments ( 11 )

Do yourself a favor, guys… Go.

Can't; else I have nothing better to do this afternoon

51,698 words total

Well, that's not too long... well, it wouldn't be if this story's bad reputation didn't precede it. In this case, one word is too long.

You’ve all stopped listening, haven’t you? Can’t say I blame you.

Yeah, this story is just... guh. And we haven't even read anything from it yet.

Let’s just read and review the piece of shit that is… Soren the Alicorn 2: The Effects of War.

Also, why does everyone love the idea of our beloved ponies fighting big, destructive wars. I know this is hypocrisy consider what one of my most popular stories is, but it's been gnawing on me since I've started reading these reviews. Do people just enjoy destroying everything that is good and pure in the show? Or maybe they think it's just too perfect?

And thank you, Pinkie Pie, for being reduced to a messenger for this story. That is the most she ever amounts to.

Just like My Little Avengers turning her into Plot Exposition Fairy # 3.14... except that (despite my whining), My Little Avengers was actually Good.

Soren: Hmm… Well, I was going to isolate myself to protect all of my friends and family, but then I remembered, Luna has boobs. … Yeah, I’m staying. Screw your safety, I’m getting me some moon tonight!

But unless this is an anthro story, Luna wouldn't have boobs in the first place...
SOREN GAVE UP HIS PROMISE FOR NOTHING!!!1!!11!

Seriously, Rainbow Dash reacted to being an alien better than Soren does to all these things!

It took her two chapters instead of one paragraph. Yay Dashie :rainbowdetermined2:

The girls ask if Soren wants to sing with them, but Soren explains that he has important work to do… Which he interrupted by wanting to say hello to them. Glad we could establish these characters again in a not time wasting way. Say goodbye everyone, the girls were only here to remind us they’re in this story.

After that important scene, Soren goes back to practice some more of his fire magic and if the story wasn’t ripping off Avatar the Last Airbender quite enough for your tastes, here’s the scene where Soren burns Luna using his fire magic.

At least when I try to rip off Avatar: The Last Airbender, I include new elements (heh) to keep it fresh, like dinosaurs.

So, he rewrote the entire series as a love letter to himself! God, wouldn't that make so much sense?

Yes. But as Commissar Fuklaw will soon explain:
img0.joyreactor.cc/pics/comment/mlp-art-my-little-pony-%D1%84%D1%8D%D0%BD%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%BC%D1%8B-Lyra-1090983.jpeg

Ah, so we are readying the BDSM scenes. I didn’t know Luna was into that type of stuff.

But I thought Twilight was the Christian Grey pony...

Why would him practicing in a library, a confined space, using a dangerous element, rather than… oh, I don’t know… Out in the fucking open be his fault?

not to mention that the library is a tree. Trees are made of wood. Wood burns.
Soren's lucky he didn't make Twilight homeless before Tirek could nuke the tree himself.

When Soren was alone, he decided to try something to vent his frustration. After stretching his wings, Soren flew up into the air. While up there, he gathered some magic and released it in a pillar of fire. The fire swirled around itself as it continued to go so high that most of Equestria could probably see it. 'The Elemental Guardian when angered' was Soren only thought as he continued the spell.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen: instead of dealing with his problems like a rational human being, he just whines and threatens to blow people up with powers he has yet to learn how to control.

So, Soren goes to Luna and whispers in her ear something that is most likely where the story took a turn for the worst for me.

fbtb.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Hail-Hydra-6.jpg

… I didn’t review that fic… Here’s the link to that one… Surprisingly it’s better than this one… But not by much…

Considering that Queen Annalese Black Hole was one of the worst fics I reviewed, that says a lot about how bad this one is.

"Hey, Twilight," Soren said groggily. "Can I help you? You look like you're trying to read my mind."

"Who did you tell Luna to find?" she asked.

"It's private."

"Does it involve the Doctor?" Soren paused.

"...yes."

"Thank you for being honest with me. That's all I wanted to know."

"All I want is some information from him, that's all."

"He always owes somepony information, even me."

"Twilight..."

"I'm fine, Soren. I just...miss him."

"Maybe this will help you. Is Doctor from this world?"

"How did...? No...he's not."

"From the stories you've told me, I can guess that ever since the Doctor showed up, his enemies or animals from his world have also shown up. This also leads me believe that the longer the Doctor stays here, the more our two worlds combine. Maybe he's trying to fix this, and as a result, he is leaving more often and staying away longer. I know for a fact that if he loved you, he would never want to leave you for good." Twilight smiled at Soren's ridiculous theory.

And I thought my bouts of talking head syndrome were bad...

"SURPRISE!" cheered five voices. Soren screamed and teleported away.

Into a wall. Where he died. The End.

So, you wanted to check up on him when he could barely stand… by yelling at him at the top of your lungs? … I’m starting to think the characters in this story are getting dumber by standing near Soren for a period of time.

Either that or trying to kill him through "stupidity", take your pick.

It turns out that Nightmare Wing is just misunderstood and needs a stallion like Soren to show her the way.

So, the fate of the world is hanging in the balance and some of the friends refuse to get out of bed. Yeah, you want to know who the three are… Twilight, Rarity and Fluttershy… That’s right… The main hero of the show… And my two favorite characters. They care more about their beauty sleep than saving the world… Thank god this isn’t an insult to their characters, otherwise I’d be completely offended by this.

Again, and I thought I screwed up...

Our next chapter begins with Soren already mastering Air Magic. … I think I’ve just confirmed that this is a Last Airbender ripoff.

And not the good Airbender either; the cheap stuff that Shyamalan watches.

So, after doing absolutely nothing in their current location, the pair decide to travel to the days of Starswirl the Bearded. I can’t wait to see how this character gets fucked in the ass.

But Starswirl never made an appearance on the show... right? It's been a while.

"I never noticed this statue here before. Where did you get it?"

"Statue?" Then the Doctor's eyes widened. He turned to face Soren and his face paled upon seeing the statue Soren was referring to. "What ever you do, keep looking at it!" Soren jumped at the Doctor's change of volume.

"Why?" Soren asked. "It's just a statue."[/quote[

Um, the quote box got a little broken here...
And yeah, I'm with you in the rage; that is stupid beyond belief.

Earlier today, Princess Celestia sent letters to every trustworthy city and town.

Every trustworthy city and town? I don’t think towns and cities are living beings, bro!

Not to mention it's saying a lot of negative things about Equestria there.

Well, at least the author knows he’s going to pointlessly kill off dozens of thousands of ponies for no good reason other than to have a Lord of the Rings style fight scene. As if this story could not be a bigger crossover.

At least I had a good reason to kill off nameless extras.

After that speech that was so awe-inspiriting, what’s the next thing that is different and new that we should be doing? More speeches!

You only need one rousing pre-Battle Speech. And these aren't very good. This is a better Rousing Pre-Battle Speech.

And our first chapter of the three part Battle of the Niers ends with … nothing… Nothing happening at all. The most that happened in this chapter is that the army was gathered. Nothing as far as character development or furthering the plot… What a waste of a chapter…

You know what, I'm going to give up saying that all the buildup for my battles in stories were better, because that's just beating a dead horse.

This is the most grimdark/humorous song you could possibly sing!

Well, it could have been this (yes, he's one of the good guys):

"WHO THREW THE ROCK?"

Killer Croc.

What?! What?!... WHAT?! WHAT?! You mean to tell me that the last five fucking chapters of this story where he is learning the magic of the Elements to go on this dumbass Avatar the Last Airbender quest… has been for nothing?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

What do you think, Shark Handpuppet?

… You know… I’m not going to question it. An amature writter involving timetravel with no clear set of rules… I imagine this timeline is going to look like a tangled mess by the end of this.

Space is warped and time is bendable.

[img]http://media.giphy.com/media/YiXWlmw7exlzW/giphy.gif[img]

image link needs to be fixed. Needs a / in the last img bracket.

I will cherish you when you are six feet under with several knife wounds in your face!

Can I just give you his torso... I kind of made his head explode...

And I just noticed something… Something I never thought I would say… This story… This relationship between Soren and Luna… and how it ended… is somehow WORSE than One More Day.

... Whoa.

Now I don't know if any of you will care, but the main reason that every event in the story takes place isn't because I decided it to be so, it's because everything was in a dream. Yes, I am not lying, everything that happened up to this point was a dream. I had many lucid dreams as Soren. They connected like a story and I wrote down the details of what happened. After I personally added conversations, Soren The Alicorn was made. I won't care if any of you think I'm crazy or lying or something. What happened happened.

That's not excuse for writing a bad fanfic. We saw that before in My Inner Life. Good stories are not dreams; good stories have structure and pacing that dreams normally don't have, no matter how real or lucid they might be.

And I think you need a double dosing of this:

Look forward to seeing what you've got planned for next week

Well, it could have been this (yes, he's one of the good guys):

Oh my god! This song was AWESOME!

After the fic I just read... That is going to be my happy place for a while...

Thanks for commenting. And I fixed those couple of things. They should work now.

Here's the image you missed.

media.giphy.com/media/F9wdBjGPZpCUM/giphy.gif

You know, this story gives you the perfect opportunity to pay it back for the misery it inflicted on you. Fimfiction's rules don't allow direct quoting of song lyrics in stories. If you report it, the mods will come down on it like a ton of shitfic-squashing bricks.

There are also some plot points about Soren being some special alicorn that is only born once every thousand years

They're typically characterized by having three horns instead of one.

Soren does the only thing he’s good at… Napping.

Well, yeah. After all, if the last story taught me anything, it's that Soren the alicorn is Equestria's most powerful narcoleptic!

Though knowing this character, he’d probably end up being Death’s college buddy or something and Death let him have a second chance because he helped him with his homework.

Looks like someone ended up reading Forbidden Magic. Please don't let this story and that one crossover, mate.

Five, you have the fucking DOCTOR! He has defeated some of the most powerful and intelligent begins in the universe! Why is he suddenly just a taxi driver and not a hero like he fucking should be?!

C'mon, Critique, it's obvious! It's because of bad self-insert fanfiction rule #4: 'My OC is the best character in the universe, and any and all other characters in my story should be thankful that they were even included in my tale!' Do we really have to send you back to bad self-insert fanfiction 101?

It turns out that Nightmare Wing is just misunderstood and needs a stallion like Soren to show her the way. … I’m not even kidding…

"I say it doesn't matter. I've been around for at least two years and I can still say that even if I give up and try to live my life, I won't fit in anywhere. I was created by Nightmare Moon to resurrect her when she fell, yet...I want to be something more than just a mare whose only goal in life is to resurrect her queen."

...

There are no words. That was just stupid.

Soren and Rainbow Dash only managed to gather about half of their friends at Sugarcube Corner. The others were still tired and refused to come to the shop until they rested a little more.

First of all, what do you mean about half? There's no 'about' about it; they only got half! Did you really have to approximate three ponies, writer??

2nd: Apparently, Soren's narcolepsy is contagious... either that or this story is horrible with characters.

"To my faithful student,
Please do not stop reading this letter, for that would disrupt the timing.

I'm sorry, but if I were reading that letter, I'd stop right there out of sheer confusion. Who the hell would start their letter by saying, 'please continue to read this letter!' I think we would keep reading past the first sentence if you didn't make the first sentence really confusing (or your first sentence was "Soren became the new God.").

So, Soren, being the master of awesomely contrivances that he is, is able to create an illusion that somehow tricks the Weeping Angel and the doctor and he suck the angel into a black hole.

So... what was the point of the angel then?

Yep, this original character who is SO revolutionary… is apparently cooler than the Doctor…

Rule #4, mate. Don't forget Rule #4.

Wow… Even the author is getting bored with this story! Seriously, if the author doesn’t want to even bother with making the journey with the Doctor worth it for the character of Soren, learning new things and seeing the various places and ponies he could possibly meet, than what was the fucking point of involving him!

Wish fulfillment.

"Since the Doctor and I were gone far longer than planned, I think we need to get down to business.

Wait a minute. I haven't seen Doctor Who, so I might not be the best expert on this, but isn't the Doctor a time traveler or something? Is there any reason that Who took Soren to a point long after when they left, especially given how time is of the essence? Wouldn't it make more sense for him to arrive only seconds after leaving with the books in tow?

Although it was depressing, the weather set the mood perfectly for tonight and tomorrow afternoon.

DO NOT TELL ME THAT IT WAS DEPRESSING, AUTHOR! DON'T TELL US HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO INTERPRET THINGS!!
Sorry, that's just one of my pet peeves.

I have put your lives at risk, but I have managed to save you at the same time.

I guess it's following the logic of the first Fantastic Four movie, then. Also, is Soren trying to get the Main 6 to realize 'Oh right, we've kinda been acting like idiots ever since this guy came to town!'

"How can we trust you to beat her?" a random stallion asked. "Some of us haven't even seen what can you do."

S: Did you read the first story?

?: Well, no...

S: (throws first story at stallion's head) Then get reading! By the end, you'll know what I'm capable of!

Our next part in this three part Battle of the Nears begins with Soren promising that Luna and Rainbow Dash will not die during the battle.

Okay, I talked with my creator, and he has told me that you two are apparently 'best pony'. As a result, you two are completely safe... unless he decides that I'm more important than you, of course.

Rainbow Dash proceeded to explain to Soren how they were traveling through the Canterlot Caves to find me.

find me.

They're looking for the author. This is amazing. I'm hoping we get a chapter where the characters exit the story and slap the writer across the head for characterizing them so poorly! Because that would be awesome!

Our next chapter begins with Twilight writing a letter to Princess Celestia about how heroic the main six were by stopping a forest fire! … I’m glad these events were told to us, rather than, oh, I don’t fucking know, shown to us in a way that shows that the main six don’t always need Soren to come and save their asses and are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves!

Y'know, with how many stories I've seen that show nothing and tell all, I'm beginning to wonder if these writers saw this video and thought that the advice it gave was actually legitimate writing advice:

But of course it isn’t… because we have 10 more chapters… … Hooray…

Y'know, it was at this point that I ended up asking myself what the heck this story was about, and what was going on in it. The thing is, I had no idea how to answer that question. Also, ten more sodding chapters?? REALLY???

hey break the news that Luna’s lost her memory of him and that she’s better off for it. Soren gets heartbroken and goes off to commit suicide.

Really?

Oh, wait, that’s my version of the story

God dang it!

"What fun is there in telling you exactly what you can do? I'll tell you in the form in a riddle: When a new relation is formed, a life or two must be taken."

pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw8630_medium.png

Well, that escalated quickly.

Now I don't know if any of you will care, but the main reason that every event in the story takes place isn't because I decided it to be so, it's because everything was in a dream. Yes, I am not lying, everything that happened up to this point was a dream. I had many lucid dreams as Soren. They connected like a story and I wrote down the details of what happened. After I personally added conversations, Soren The Alicorn was made. I won't care if any of you think I'm crazy or lying or something. What happened happened.

Yeah, and I've had dreams about the Main 6 being nailed to crosses for being traitors to Celestia. That doesn't mean that I immediately think: Better make that into a story!

Seriously, this story feels like it was written by someone with zero self-awareness. By someone who has no idea how to keep focus, and no idea how to make a story that's even remotely believable. I will say this though: this story feels like a dream sequence. It feels like it was originally someone's dream journal that got turned into a fanfic. So, you know what? I'm going to say I believe the author here!
Wait, you already said that... sorry, didn't read that far ahead yet!

Good review, as usual mate. Cheers :pinkiesmile:

51,698 words total

That's vaguely impressive for someone so lazy.

'The Elemental Guardian when angered' was Soren only thought as he continued the spell.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN I DON'T EVEN
Also, is he semi-comatose for the rest of the chapter because of that little temper tantrum?

One, if the Doctor can take him back in time to find a book about the Elements, why can’t he take Soren back when the Nightmare Forces were weakened by the Elements of Harmony and destroy them there instead of waiting for them to get stronger?

Actually, there are a plethora of Temporal reasons why that's a good idea. Changing history, specifically major events, is dangerous and nearly impossible to do. Cheap tricks are far easier and safer to pull off.

And just in case you were all wondering, there is no point to this scene! At all! There is no reason for the Weeping Angels to be in this story! They do not further the plot and they cause nothing to be questioned, challenged, or resolved. They are simply there because they are the author’s favorite Doctor Who villains and because he wanted them in the story, not because of anything they actually can contribute to what is going on, right now.

All bad fanfictions have to shoe-horn in either Weeping Angels or Daleks.

3414673 Oooo... Now, I could do it. But if I did, the mods might get rid of the other two fics that are also sequels to this. And you know I have to review them. :pinkiehappy:

3415322
If they're unpublished, though, you're off the hook! You'd never have to read about this guy's crappy self-insert again!

Why don’t you just have sex with every character who is sad?

Hm. well that's certainly going to make Gleaming Armour a little repetitive if I always solve the conflicts with more sex.... But, if it's what Critique wants...
:trollestia:

Though knowing this character, he’d probably end up being Death’s college buddy or something

That sounds fucking AWESOME! It's be like Friends, only twenty times more awesome.

It turns out that Nightmare Wing is just misunderstood and needs a stallion like Soren to show her the way.

Wow.... Just wow. That's... that is just....

Fuckin' WOW.

Stop stealing my fucking story notes, you asshole!

But, Soren, being the perfect hero that makes me want to take a shotgun up his perfection and pull the trigger several times, (don’t take that out of context)

*Sighs sadly and stops writing hot slash fiction*

So, Soren, being the master of awesomely contrivances that he is, is able to create an illusion that somehow tricks the Weeping Angel and the doctor and he suck the angel...

*Giggles merrily and begins furiously typing hot slash again.*

it wasn’t the fact that he was Octavia’s sister

*Stops writing slash and flips table*

FUCK IT, I'M OUT!


You know, I can't help but remember the very first story I posted on here was a terrible self insert fanfiction. I deleted that... thing a while ago, but I think I still have it somewhere on my hardrive. I wonder if I'd hate myself if I tried to read it now that I can actually string a fucking plot together.

Anyway, look on the bright side, Mr Critique! Only one more sequel to go! And who knows, maybe it'll be good, like Fury Road, or Jurassic World, or Terminator Gen- oh wait.


Speaking of Fury Road, I think this clip might be useful to you in the future:

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Hm. well that's certainly going to make Gleaming Armour a little repetitive if I always solve the conflicts with more sex.... But, if it's what Critique wants...

:trollestia:

You evil mastermind!

You know, I can't help but remember the very first story I posted on here was a terrible self insert fanfiction. I deleted that... thing a while ago, but I think I still have it somewhere on my hardrive. I wonder if I'd hate myself if I tried to read it now that I can actually string a fucking plot together.

If you guys only knew what I first wrote when I started writing. It would make you tear out your eyes and use them to club me to death with.

I am just going to say this... I DESPISE the "Chosen One" bullshit. Why? It takes away ALL sense of purpose for the character because almost all the time with very rare exceptions? They will win because they are destined to, it's their destiny that they will win and nothing can change that and that pisses me off. Why? Well this is how I see it.

You can have a character like... Take Superman or Aang and Korra from Avatar. They are? The most powerful beings on their respective Earths. They get involved? You know they're gonna win, because of that power. It's never a matter of IF they win, but a matter of HOW they win. However? They are never presented as

"Yep! They'll win! TOTALLY WIN! No problem here, it's fated!"

They win because they have the power, the drive and stand the absolute BEST chance of winning, due to their OWN skill, power, and abilities. There is NOTHING saying they are going to win, aside from people BELIEVING they will.

Another, more related case, is the Mane 6. They had PLENTY of times where yeah, despite being the resident "Chosen Ones" they were VERY close to being beaten! Hell! If it wasn't for Celestia helping out against Discord to get them back to normal? DISCORD WOULD HAVE WON! And Chrysalis DID win against them and it took Cadence and Shining Armor to beat her! Chosen Ones? Yes.... But nothing has ever said they are gonna win all the time!

You see the traditional idea of a Chosen One? Breaks a story, why? Well if they are going to always defeat the evil no matter what without any trouble in doing so and it's stated they WILL not possibly or just COULD do it within the narrative? Then what's the point of there being an evil to begin with? Why would ANYONE try and be evil in that scenario if they know that they are going to outright lose?!

This is the problem with characters like Soren. People say Superman is a Mary Sue? Yeah even if he's gonna win anyway, there's more to his character and has FAR more depth to him that makes him work as a character. Despite all of his power his victories are not predestined or anything! Chosen Ones? Traditional ones? Kill drama and excitement.

Shut up. … And what do you need with bits, anyway?

I do not. It is the principle.

Reminds me of the argument with an old Computer one had in the original Willy Wonka movie. The part where the guy bribes the computer with money to tell him where the next golden ticket can be found.

During all that, a group called ‘the Nightmares’ attack Equestria and try to get Luna to become Nightmare Moon once more. They disappear after the first chapter they are introduced in and are never mentioned until 14 chapters later.

I admit the mention of those Nightmares sound cool. I like it. Provided they are used in the story well. Be neat if they did see Nightmare Moon as a possible potential leader for them. One who could bring eternal night, and let them feed on fear as changelings feed on love, and the sirens feed on hate.
They could be a nice addition to the FIM world. If done right.

Ah, so we are readying the BDSM scenes. I didn’t know Luna was into that type of stuff.

I could see it. :twilightsheepish:

Aang never wanted to use firebending after burning Katara and thus was afraid of learning firebending despite the entire world needing him to learn it. It was out of fear that he never wanted to learn it and he was hesitant about learning it, even after he found a firebending teacher.

This is something a fan would know, or at least one who actually paid attention to the show.

EAT PUPPIES!

Is it anything like veal? So young it's sinfully delicious! :pinkiecrazy:

Soren doesn’t need to apologize because he is pure and good and just. All of these things that Rarity clearly isn’t.

Rarity along side with Fluttershy is one of the most pure and good and just of the main six (not to say the others don't have such qualities). Why I resent such accusations of the wight pony. :trixieshiftright:
:raritycry: There, there Rarity, he didn't mean it, the way it sounded. He is speaking in your defense! Honestly. :scootangel:

But, Soren, being the perfect hero that makes me want to take a shotgun up his perfection and pull the trigger several times, (don’t take that out of context)

I wouldn't think of it. :derpytongue2:

Let me repeat that… A Weeping Angel is in the Tardis!

I know little about them, but that they are bad news. One of the few things the Doctor would be afraid of. And you must look at them or else they move. Kind of like Pinkie in the Containment Is Magic game. Damn she is creepy in that.

Similar to how the Disney 7 worked.

No! Not that one again. :raritydespair:

Twilight, you just became my favorite pony. I take back all the nasty things I said about you.

It is about time. I always thought Twilight was an awesome pony, despite her drawbacks, and her being a kind of mary sue. And distend to be a princess, and well you get the idea.

Okay, about 20% of the nasty things…

Well, we can't ask for miracles. Well, we can, we just shouldn't expect them.

Apparently there is also a problem, an eclipse is going to happen which will strengthen the powers of the Nightmare Forces. A problem that is a huge fucking deal… except for Celestia and Luna control the sun and moon. Or had we forgotten that detail?

The writer conveniently might. Or might find it unessential info. Not with all that this Soren God can do.
You know, I actually like Soren in the cartoon. This Soren in this story is just too much.
On a side note (that is about as important as this story), I like the shipping of Soren and Rainbow Dash. I would like to see them get together more on the show. I now, other than Rarities many love interests, and that thing going on with Twilight and Flash, there is not to be any real romances going on in the show. :duck:

For the audience, it’s mostly just been dangerous and stressful.

Don't you mean, dangerously stressful?

So, yes, Rainbow Dash just killed a pony in cold blood. This story actually had the ball testicals to make Rainbow Dash … into a murderer.

I would, but it would take a lot to make her do it. Like knowing some pony killed Fluttershy or Scootaloo. Something like that I could see be enough to tick her off so much as to kill after. But then, That would be a pretty damn big deal to her. I would hate to see her that mad. It would be scary.

Or this could be a chance to relive the dating part of the relationship since Soren and the author are incapable of wanting commitment.

Computer has a point unfortunately.

Yes, people, this story just told us that Soren is so powerful that it is literally killing him. Oh, the sweet irony.

Didn't this happen to Superman in an animated movie?

Go into as much detail as you feel you need. Trust me, I’ll enjoy it.

Oh' you do make for an evil audience. :pinkiecrazy:

Oh, and by the way, might as well forget about the Magical Overwhelming Powers thing. The story does too.

:facehoof:

After Soren explains his story and says the dumbest thing that has ever been said in the history of dumb things…

Soren then hugged her and whispered "Don't forget to cherish me."

I will cherish you when you are six feet under with several knife wounds in your face!

OK, That was well worth reading this for. I got my best laugh in today from that.

I think that calls for the ending. But of course it isn’t… because we have 10 more chapters… … Hooray…

What! :rainbowhuh: Oh' no... :facehoof:

And yet, I’d rather watch Power Ponies again than have to sit through this shit.

I don't use spike enough, he is like the little dragon that could. This story also seems to have spike a little confused. Spike in this seems smart, but useless. But in the cartoon, he is well, a young dragon, and as such not so smart, but useful and at times dependable. :moustache:
Sorry Spike, not to say you are dumb, but you are no Twilight.

Jesus, this is making the Basketball game from the Disney 7 look like a Steven King novel.

That story should be only so lucky.

Speaking of Derpy, Soren gets a vision about Derpy. Yes, I know she’s called Ditzy in the story, but I’m calling her Derpy because I’ve always called her Derpy.

So have I. Some call her Bright Eyes, and are upset that others don't. Oh' well. :derpytongue2:

Wow… just… wow… I mean, I didn’t think this story could insult the brony community and our favorite characters more than it did, but… That’s really something.

After reading some stories on this site, Derpy's Finest Hour being one of them, little along the lines of this surprise me anymore.

Hey, if The High Road can use that dumbass explanation, I guess it can work here!

Why not indeed.
Maybe this dream will ruin Rainbow Dash as she shares Soren's fate. Wait This story has already ruined her.

I am going to be honest, I’m rushing through this as quickly as possible.

I'm sure you are.

The six go through all the important things that Smacksabitch has meant to them. Funny enough, it’s the same amount of important things that he has meant to me.

Smacksabitch. Reminds me of a song I sang to my supervisor at work on how I see some rap. Yes, despite that you have already been through enough of them with this story, I present you with another.
Yea, I'm smacking may bitches, I'm slappen my hoes. I Got to two guns, so fuck off fool.
Well, it made him laugh.

You know what? I actually believe it… I actually believe it. You know why? … Because that is how it feels it was written…

I have had some odd dreams. Perhaps I could make some stories out of them. Oh' this gives me ideas. :pinkiecrazy:

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My first story is still available to read, and I am never taking it down. Why? Because it's so cute! :rainbowkiss: :rainbowlaugh:

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All bad fanfictions have to shoe-horn in either Weeping Angels or Daleks.

All bad fanfictions? :rainbowhuh: I have yet to use them, and mine have been seen by some as bad fanficts. Though I have not done anything dealing with The Doctor. That would be mostly why. :derpytongue2:

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Good Idea. Someone is thinking.
I use to defend a writers work, that was before I came across stories that seem to shit on the fans. It is one thing to make a funny parody. It is another to out right insult the reader with such trash. I am also trying to be nice with my words here. Also much has been said of my own writing. I do take note of that.

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Also, why does everyone love the idea of our beloved ponies fighting big, destructive wars. I know this is hypocrisy consider what one of my most popular stories is, but it's been gnawing on me since I've started reading these reviews. Do people just enjoy destroying everything that is good and pure in the show? Or maybe they think it's just too perfect?

Hay! :pinkiegasp: I got a story in the works with a big war planed for it.
No, I like the show the way it is. Actually I prefer it the way it is. Seeing the show helps put me into one of my happy places. Yes, I have more then one. And let's not war about this war busyness, I have yet to get mine out. Yes, I will now be bringing it out, in time, when it is done.

And I thought my bouts of talking head syndrome were bad...

I think I try a little better than that as well. Just a little.

Not to mention it's saying a lot of negative things about Equestria there.

You caught on to that as well? I thought it was just me.

You only need one rousing pre-Battle Speech. And these aren't very good. This is a better Rousing Pre-Battle Speech.

I should have a look, for inspiration. I will try not to copy it.

You know what, I'm going to give up saying that all the buildup for my battles in stories were better, because that's just beating a dead horse.

For some though, that is funny to watch.

Well, it could have been this (yes, he's one of the good guys):

Thanks for that vid. I will be adding it to my collection.

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