Dumb Ways To Die - give me your best ideas · 8:50pm Sep 16th, 2015
To my Followers who actually read these blog posts (all three of them) and everyone who read my Sunset Shimmer story and wants to see more of Princess Luna.
...And actually reads these blog posts.
I've had the idea for a silly one-shot featuring Twilight and Luna, and now I'm gathering ideas and jokes. I do have enough to write a story from it, but... well, the more the better.
The story is supposed to be a Dark (Random) Comedy and a parody on the "Immortality: Curse of Blessing" question. In short, Twilight beats herself up over that question and worries about outliving her friends, so Princess Luna decides to give her the tour of a particular part of Canterlot.
Twilight fluttered her wings lightly, looking over the plain and bare outer walls of the large building, looking for all the world like a regular warehouse, aside from some subtle differences like what seemed to be a greenhouse built on the flat roof. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to this place before. And you say this is a public building? A museum? Why have I never been to this place before?!”
Luna rang the doorbell at the side of the fence, then stepped back to wait for the gate to magically open itself (1). “My sister did tell me that you had a somewhat… selective focus of attention as a filly. You didn’t have any reason to research this place and she didn’t have any reason to tell you about it. Though I hear that she did give this tour to some of her more neurotic students.”
The door opened and she stepped through, Twilight close on her hooves. “And yes, I am aware of what I said. Apparently being the student of the only known alicorn and monarch of the country tends to have some side effects. Either neuroses or megalomania, from what I’ve read. But look at you, I’ve been told that you rarely get any ‘little moments’ anymore and have only few ticks – though your assistant might disagree on that part. Your friends really are a blessing to you.”
Twilight’s eye twitched lightly, but she managed to keep every lock in her mane in place. She ruffled her wings, stepping past Luna through the front door into the actual building. “Is that so? I guess that… that…” Her eye twitched again as she stared at the large hall in front of her, trying to comprehend just what she was staring at. “…what the hay is that?”
Luna skipped past her, making a grand gesture. “Welcome to the Happy Funtime Museum of Applied Suicidology, supplying you with everything you need to fight immortality, longevity and life in general. I had to catch up on a thousand years of innovation so I might be a bit rusty, but… Ohhhh, look at this! This was one of my favorite exhibits back in the day!”
The Princess of the Night squealed in excitement and flew up to the solid metal block of a centerpiece, inspecting and poking it from all sides like an old favorite toy. Twilight walked up to the stand and took a look at the small card in the front.
“The ‘Blood Donator’? Princess, this is–”
“Oh yes, isn’t it just wonderful? Sturdy and shiny as the first day, and I bet you wouldn’t find a single leak.” Luna cooed happily, rubbing her cheek against the smooth outside.
“Princess, this…” Twilight pointed and gestured, fishing for words. “This is… It’s an iron maiden! With a siphon at the bottom!”
“Why of course, Twilight. Blood is valuable, especially that of an alicorn.” Luna fluttered down from the death trap, smiling gently. “Did you know that an alicorn can donate blood about every two weeks, instead of only every two months like regular ponies? Not with this machine, obviously, that usually works only once.” She paused, then laughed to herself. “Oh, I just had a splendid idea. At the next blood donation drive I should bribe a medician to certify my sister that her blood is cake by 80%. That will make a good prank, I will get her with that one for sure. What do you think, Twilight?”
~~~~~
(1) Not sarcasm in any way. In Canterlot, a gate ‘magically opening itself’ is a common occurrence.
So, yeah. Leave your best ideas for elaborate death contraptions or suicide plans. The more ridiculous the better.
P.S.: If anyone finds a good cover art for this story, let me know.
Let's see...
A few modifications to the Dizzitron from "Wonderbolts Academy" would result in a high-powered centrifuge that could reduce a pony to an organic slurry.
Petrification magic is certainly a thing. I'm sure you could do something with that. Possibly followed by grinding the statue and turning it into cement, just to ensure it sticks.
We know Equestria has electricity from the Ponyville dam. There's all kinds of fun things that can be done with that. Don't just burst your eyeballs, see if you can get a distance record with your vitreous humor!
Teleportation makes for all kinds of wonderfully horrible ways to die. Some manner of ambient destabilization field could make rematerialization... shoddy, from simply not reforming to getting one's atoms artistically rearranged.
And there are probably all kinds of giant monsters that would appreciate a free lunch. Or snack, depending on their size.
Falling off a cliff, and living. Then getting trampled by cows... and living. Then having several large rocks fall on you... and living. What eventually kills you? Being stung by a wasp.
How about a good old fashioned Chair and Noose?
Except somepony hung themselves and is still hanging there all awkwardly, probably dead for a long time by the looks of it.
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1) Dizzitron, huh? Alternatively, just tamper with the release mechanism to release yourself into the floor. Ahhh, the things you can do with a 360° trebuchet~
2) Then you use the cement to make a statue again. Just... don't cast any de-petrification spells near it. Ain't a pretty sight.
3) The problem about cartoon electricity is that that it doesn't kill you. Just ask Kilowatt Hour.
4) Teleportation also makes basejumping so much easier. You don't need a parachute or a base.
5) I've been walking circles in this patch of the Everfree for hours and I still haven't seen a single
PikachuTimberwolf!3397422
Do you have any allergies?
curtailedcomic.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/2013-04-07-069_bees.jpg
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" 'Don't worry, Feather Duster. It's a clean death, Feather Duster. Barely any work for you, Feather Duster.' But noooo, Milord just had to bump the vase off the table in his dying throes."
Tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge into a river, which turns out to be a stream no more than 2 inches deep. Spens hours trying to desperately drown themselves. Eventually died of hypothermia.
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I died laughing.
Hey! Why not bring in Pinkie to make ponies die of asphyxiation from laughing too much!
ahhh The Darwin Awards: Pony edition
On teleportatation don't forget the old gem of miscalculating you destination and materializing partially inside a solid object.
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Momentum can be a pain though. Assuming you apprear still moving like you were when you teleported to the ground during the jump. After all it's not the fall that counts, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Dumb ways to die?
Choking on your own spit, catapult to the sun, putting Opal and Angel in a room together (the apocalypse is neigh), transmuting your own brain into an orange, bass cannon to the face, death by squirrels, suffocation from tickling, pissing off Fluttershy, eating poison joke, "Cutie Mark Crusaders brain surgeons, Yay!", Sweetie Belle's cooking, and closing the EG mirror halfway through.
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Do I smell MAS?
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From a fluorescent light, like the way of the ancient samurai.
Testing the toxicity of large amounts of sweets, like cake. Obviously by just eating enough until you die.
alternatively, becoming diabetic and dying of diabetes. We have medicine, so it'd take a whole day or two of repeated lack of treatment for one to actually die of that.
Trying to drill a hole directly to your brainfor the ultimate high.
Using magic to turn all your muscle tissue into a gelatin. Or a liquid.
Fucking a cactus. (I dunno about appropriate, but it is a pretty stupid way to die.)
Russian Roulette, but with a crossbow.
A spoon.
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I actually meant teleporting up, not down. Gravity does the rest.
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Gotta keep some of those in mind, yes.
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Good ideas, but not material for good jokes...
Except the Russian Crossbow. Definitely using that one.
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Oh gosh, I remember that movie! I completely forgot the name until you linked it, but yes! That's definitely going in!
P.S.: If any of you come across a good cover art for this story, let me know.
Deliberately contract cutie pox. Allow the false marks to force you into continuous performance until death from exhaustion results. The sillier the mock talent, the better.
Have a character attempt to live out every single shipfic connection ever written about them. Again, continue until death from exhaustion. Or possibly disgust.
Give Discord permission to try out his latest ideas on you. Wait.
Seek out a pony whose mark & talent are suicide. And seek quickly.
Optionally, a pony whose mark/talent are for suicide assistance. (Gotta be one, right?)
And for the true death seekers, Feel Pinkie Keen.
... Any form of self-digestation ...
Twilight shot Luna a severe look. "Luna, you know the problem with this machine, don't you?"
Luna looked over at Twilight in some surprise. "No, what?"
Twilight opened her mouth to answer but then paused. She took a moment to take in the Princess of the Night's expression. Her eyes were wide and as innocent as a newborn foal's. Her ears were pricked forward in genuine confusion. Suddenly, Twilight found herself flashing back on the time she had to dissuade the Cutie Mark Crusaders attempts to get 'Implosion-Triggered Heavy Metal Fission Engineer' cutie marks. "Never mind," she said reassuringly. "Just trust me that it wouldn't work the way you want."
Luna shrugged. "Oh. Okay. Back to the drawing board, I guess!"
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Luna is quite aware of how that machine works. It is kind of hard to miss. Nice one, though.