• Member Since 27th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 22nd, 2017

Dr Yeis


The more I shitpost, the more crippling my depression gets. Imma shitpost more.

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Sep
12th
2015

Death Battle: Smash Fighter Ballot Battle Royale Part 1 · 1:35am Sep 12th, 2015

Sorcerer: Smash Bros: a game where the best Nintendo has to offer come to battle.

Ember: You said the title wrong. It's... SUPER. SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH BROTHERS!

I thought it was.....SUPER SMASH BROTHERS.......MEEEELEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

No, that one counts for nothing. YEAH, I SAID IT! COME AT ME! FUCK MELEE!

Pichu is my faaaaaavvoorrite...

Said not a single person ever.

But enough Melee bashing, we need to get to what the Smash community has been talking about for months upon end.

The Super SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH Bros Fighter Ballot.

Months ago, on April 1st, Nintendo Direct, the late Satoru Iwata announced the Super Smash Bros. Fighter Ballot: a ballot in which people could vote for their favorite character to appear in a Smash game. With enough votes, anyone can be in.

So far, Mewtwo, Roy, Ryu, and Lucas have come to the battlefield through this.

As well as Mii Fighter Costumes that just aren't as good.

Chrom: Leik if u cri evry time.

Lucina: Father.....what the heck happened to you?

Chrom: Sakurai screwed me over...twice.

The one true fighter will be released in October, but we're having a little contest of ourselves. No, we aren't going to wait for the crowd. We're going to put this on a logical standpoint on who deserves it in battle.

We'll pitting six of the most requested characters into a Tourney Mode match, whoever wins, takes on Master and Crazy Hand.

And the Master himself, Master Core.

Or will he?

Let's go over our combatants.

In the first round, we have Professor Layton and Phoenix Wright! (Love that game!) A battle that's been brewing since Chapter 9!

I know a Cynical person who would disagree....

Fak you. Second round will be Geno from Super Mario RPG, vs Shovel Knight!

The master of Squeenix Vs the master of Indie.

And in the final matchup, we have the Third-iest Third Party contestants... Is that a word? It is now. Banjo and Kazooie vs Rayman.

Shantae' just sitting in the background because she knows she'll win no matter what. Or is she?

Anywho...
Let's begin the battle of the century!

It's time for a DEATH BATTLE ROYALE!

Riiiiight after we go over their armor weapons and skills. This time, it'll work a bit differently. For the sake of our hype, we'll do only the two characters that are fighting right before their battle. Afterwards we'll do the others and ect.

Now....let's...

ANALYZE!

No, doesn't have the same ring.

(Doors close)

(Doors open)

Hershel Layton, one of the most brilliant minds of the decade next to Sherlock Holmes and Cave Johnson.

Probably more akin to Bill Gates.

The heck's a Gates? He can't possibly be a real person like these two.

Owner of Microsoft...?

Sorry, I need to invest my stock in Black Mesa...carry on...

Um... I never played through the prequels... I'm still on Last Specter...

That's okay. Let's just go through the basics!

Hershel Layton was a young...well...professor and eventually rose to the top as a complete genius.

You can stop calling him that. Call him by his real name.

Professuh Laid-Ton? That's what my fanfiction says...

No... Hershel is hi-

Is his brother's name.

Shhhh...don't spoil it....

What? Azran Legacy?

No, De-

FUCKIN PUPPET! Oh... Sorry. Flashbacks.

Professor Layton had a knack for solving puzzles and shooting stuff out of things he put together minutes ago to battle androids. Yes. He did that.

And knights. Which were also robots. In an... I won't spoil it... Alternate dimension with magic.

Professor Layton is a master in combat. As we said, he once battled robots, the evil genius Descole and Anton in swords play and won.

This reminds me of a puzzle...

Puzzle 47: Magical Mirror

Two princesses enjoy a fun-filled night of dancing, their forms illuminated by the moon shining through the window.

However, this window contains mysterious magic by which images reflected in the glass are distorted and flipped.

Use the stylus and touch the pieces of glass to rotate them. Rotate the pieces to restore the princesses' reflections!

Then, proceed to kill Phoenix Wright with the mirror without getting your suit bloody.

I did not say that!

(Sorcerer guiltily looks to the side while trying to cover his glowing green eyes)

Really? Well, fuck you. Solve Puzzle 56 of PLvsAA, Marionettes 2.

FUUUUUUUUUUU-

(Two hours later)

Professor Layton is a Deus Ex Machina in himself when he can put together almost impossible facts like Adam West Batman.

As seen in Battle of Wits, Puzzle 69 of PLvsAA.

He's a master strategist and can know your every move before you know it. He's also quite athletic as seen in every single game he's in.

He can also read Ancient Labyrinthian, an ancient and dead language, which he uses in Puzzle 70 of PLvsAA.

Not to mention he's an archeologist.

Also... Ugh, how do I say this without U4IA fedora jokes? A true gentleman. But not a gentle man.

Professor Layton even went on to have a son that looks absolutely nothing like him.

Also, if you question his puzzle power... HE HAS SOLVED 1919 PUZZLES ACROSS ALL HIS GAMES.

(Insert clip of KawaiiPanda Animations)

Layton: LUKE, LISTEN TO MY PUZZLES!

PUT A QUARTER IN ME AND I GET YOU WATERS!

Layton was able to...I don't even...create so many stuff out of...I don't even.

Can anyone here say... Slot Machine Gun?

Th-th-the slot machine gun was able to destroy dozens of robots! ROBOTS!

He's uncovered mysteries that baffle many, he's discovered the mystery of the Curious Village, Pandora's Box, saved the future.... Sort of.

He's also invented a flying machine!

... No.

Yes, in the movie, The Eternal Diva...

Wait.. Wait... Wait. Movie?

Yes, the movie. That....Japan...insists on keeping to themselves.

(Sigh) Japan gets all the cool stuff.

Anyways, in the movie, Professor Layton and The Eternal Diva, Professor Layton invents a flying machine. YES. HE DID THAT. PROFESSOR MOTHERF****ING LAYTON DID THAT.

Layton: Say my name.

Luke: PROFESSUH?

Layton: You're goddamned right.

Professor Layton is the ultimate gentleman but knows how to put up a fight.

But, seriously, say his name.

Oh, look at that, another segment!

SAY HIS NAME!!!!!!

(Doors close)
(Doors open)

BANZAI! (Angry glomp)

(Sorcerer's eyes glow)

That never happened. Thisssss is a dream.

No. This is not a dream. Things are WAAAAAAAAAAAY less colorful in my dreams.

Don't ressssssissssssst.

Fack you! (Pulls out Risky's Scimitar)

I don't get it, why doesn't hypnosis work on any of my co-workers except Twilight and Viridi?

NANOMACHINES, SON!

Shall we get onto Phoenix or not?

Not until you tell me his real name! WHAT IS THE PROFESSOR'S REAL NAME?!?!?

Ugh...sorry everyone.

If you don't want to get spoiled please scroll here please.

Theodore Bronev. Happy?

Thank you. Now we can talk about Penis Wong.

Don't you mean Kleenex Lite?

No. I am sure.

Or is i-

*gasp* (quickly turns into Female "Yandere" Form) FEENIE-SENPAI!

Phoenix Wright was just another young kid until his schoolmate, Miles Edgeworth, inspired him to become a lawyer after he defended him from stealing another's lunch money.

But... Not before. Her.

In Phoenix's college years, he was manipulated by a cold-blooded murderer, Dahlia Hawthorne into keeping important evidence that contained poison.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaawthoooooooorrrrrrrrrnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dahlia was caught by Mia Fey and executed but not before killing three people in the process and almost killing another while possessing a body as a spirit.

(Pulls out the Chaos Emeralds, goes Super Form Level 3, and my fur turns Dark Orange)

YOU COLD SOULED BITCH WHORE!

Relax, we're getting to the good part. Years later, Phoenix Wright became a lawyer under the guidance of his former defense attorney, Mia Fey. He rose from the bottom to the top after Mia died and gaining a new partner, her sister Maya. Legends say, she still inspires shippings between him and her to this day.

A noble cau- Wait... What happened?

Phoenix solved a ton of cases until the events before Apollo Justice.

Oh, that game... I loved that game. Then I got stuck at the part with the broken car window, and couldn't get them to think it up a bit. Dumbasses. Also... I'm this font now... Apparently. Hold on... (Punches self)

There. Much better.

Phoenix lost his attorney's badge due to events unfolded by the malicious Kristoph Gavin but gained it back by the time Dual Destinies rolled around. Oh, and also took out an internationally wanted spy.

Yay! And that's where his story ends. Oh! And PLVAA. Or is it?

AA6 IS CONFIRMED!!!! WOOOOOOOO! Shut up, Capcom. We're not waiting for the release date. We're doing this now.

SORCERER AND EMBER WIN, THEY REALIZE VIDEO GAMES ARE MORE IMPORTANT!

Phoenix has the COMMON KNOWLEDGE OF THE EVERYMAN! But isn't a complete genius, though that can be decided by the player.

And the hottest dead lady ever. And magic rocks, known as Matagama. They are essentially portable lie detectors, which shows lies as Psyche-Locks, which are usually red. We'll get to that in a bit, (since I never got far enough into Apollo to see the other kind. I've also never played Destinies. BUT, I did finish 1, PLVAA, and 3.).

Good, then the fandom won't hate you. They're wielded by Phoenix, his rival Edgeworth one time and the most kawaii assistants ever: Maya Fey and Pearl Fey. Phoenix's physical abilities aren't really shown.....
Until one game came out that changed everything.

UMVC3!

In that game, once Phoenix got 3 correct pieces of evidence, he starts shooting finger lasers everywhere.

Objection! Objection! I got all I need! ORDER IN THE COURT! Maya?!? TAKE THAT!!!

He can also throw said pieces of evidence and hurt his enemies with speech bubbles. Yeah, he's kind of like that.

IN WEST CLOWNADELPHIA, BORN AND RAISED.

We do not speak of.....

That case.

What? You scared?

*ahem* I am not scared I simply don't want to...relive that. Anyways, Phoenix defeated Galactus and took down the best Marvel and Capcom had to offer.

Except one. One that needs more... Representation...

MEGA MAN? THE SUPER FIGHTING ROBOT?!

No. Let it go, he's not coming back. X is. He... Er... It's a villain.

Cthulhu?

A Capcom villain. Played his theme in our music battle!

Hm...could it be....Yami?

On. The. Head. Like to see the lawyer who has Cross Examined parrots (twice), ghosts, and Clowns fight a demon ball fish! Of course, he'd just be a side-dish if it weren't for the fuckin holy Mona- I MEAN MATAGAMA.

Um...

I'M NOT YAMI. THE SAMURAI DOGS P-PROVE IT! SANIC! BONG BONG. LOOK AT ALL THOSE CHICKENS! Blight! Distract him! GREEN WIND! (Rides off on a Pokey) MOVE FASTER POKEY! FASTER. FASTER. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FASTER.

Anyways, Phoenix has outwitted many masterminds such as Damon Gant, Manfred Von Karma, Matt Engarde, the spirit of Dahlia Hawthorne, The Phantom...

But! He did not catch Ambassador Alba!

TREEMAN!!!!!

Yes, indeed.

Phoenix has survived a fall over a giant abyss and only ended up with a cold.

Um... Didn't question Return of Bruce Wayne, not questioning this.

After Apollo Justice and Dual Destinies, he's even wiser and more suave, transferring almost all of his Butt Monkey-ness to Apollo. Almost all of it.

Then.... Phantom. WWWWHHHHHHYYYYY?

Phoenix met with his combatant already back when he was in the Trials And Tribulations timeline. But now, he's had a lot of time to wisen up.

Wait. Timeline? Please tell me it's not as complex as Kingdom Hearts!

(Sigh)

The flashbacks of Trials come before AA1 but then AA1 came along then proceeding to AA2 and the rest of AA3. We can only assume Investigations 1 and 2 came before Apollo Justice. So it is highly likely PLVSAA came in that same timeline because Phoenix already knows who Godot is and Maya is still young and his assistant.

Ugh... WELL. MIGHT AS WELL TALK ABOUT THE SIMPLE PLOTS OF METAL GEAR AND FINAL FANTASY. NOT EVEN JUST ONE GAME. ALL OF THEM.

BECAUSE WE HATE OURSELVES!

Phoenix is one of the best defense attorneys on the planet. Actually the only living defense attorney we've seen that is still a defense attorney.

Yeah... Don't talk about her.

And also, now would be a good time to talk about Phoenix's Magatama power that is very vital. We never got to talk about it before because....Apollo.

The Black Psyche-Lock.

It was first seen in Apollo Justice but we never got to see them break. Kristoph Gavin is now mentally insane so we can assume that was an effect. It's very hard to break a Black Psyche-Lock without killing the person mentally. The only known survivor is Athena Cykes.

But... How?

After Phoenix consoled Athena and proved that she was indeed, not guilty, she got her groove back. But Phoenix won't have to worry about not being non-lethal here. This is Death Battle after all.

Just like. Another... Combatant... (Twitch) Her...

Phoenix is ready to take on any case and object to everything.

Phoenix: Your Honor, the defense is ready to rumble. TASTE THE POWER OF ATTORNEY!

(Doors close)

(Doors open)

The first combatants are set! Let's settle this once and for all!

This is a debate that actually is quite real. Very real and we are going to settle it like no one ever has.

It's TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!!

(Doors close)

(Phoenix and Maya are training. Maya is forcing Phoenix to run on a treadmill)

Maya: C'mon, Nick! Just a few more!

Phoenix: Maya, we've been at this for 12 hours!

Ember: Come on! You gotta look your best for Ace Attorney 6!

Maya: Show that Professor who's boss of portable games! You're too hot! You're on fire! Never give up! Believe in the us that believes in you!

Ember: Believe in the heart of the evidence!

Maya: Let the spirit of the Steel Samurai run through your veins!

Phoenix: NOTHING YOU TWO ARE SAYING IS HELPING!

(Scene changes to Professor Layton's training room. Layton is fencing with a robotic dummy made by Sorcerer.)

Sorcerer: Why, hello, Mr. Layton! One gentleman to another, I'm sure that your training exercises look quite strenuous.

Layton: Quite, but they do get the blood flowing.

Sorcerer: Care for some tea?

Layton: Why, yes. I do believe I should have a break.

Sorcerer: So, tell me, Professor, is Luke a boy or a girl?

Layton: Well, you see, the truth about that i-

Ember: (EAR RAPE ENGAGED) PROFESSUH!!!

Sorcerer: WHAT IS IT, EMBER!?

Ember: He's ready! Also, the bread came to life again.

Sorcerer (calmly while sipping tea): Get Spy to take care of it. It's time for a death battle.

Ember: May the odds be ever in your favor, Theodore.

Sorcerer: And may the force be with you. Always.

Layton: Wh-how did y-

Sorcerer: Pay no mind to him, Professor. Let's get you suited up.

(Doors close)

(Doors open)

(Professor Layton and Phoenix Wright are sitting in chairs about 10 feet from each other in a dark room with the only light is on them.

Ember: WELCOME TO THE EASDBSSBFB TOURNAMENT! (Ember and Sorcerer Death Battle Super Smash Brothers Fighter Ballot)

Sorcerer: The BATTLES... That will determine who is truly worthy of earning the title of NEW SMASH FIGHTER!

Ember: Let's get this started!

Sorcerer: In the left corner, he's a jack of all trades and master of everything! Give it up for HERSHEL LAYTON!

(Crowd of Goombas, Koopas, Equestrian Villains, ponies, other fictional characters and past combatants cheer)

Ember: And in the C-Stick side, we have the best Attorney alive today, a man who has faced off with the destroyer of worlds and still breaths! PHOENIX WRIGHT!

(Crowd cheers)

Maya: BEAT HIM, NICK!

Pearl: Do it for Mystic Maya, Mr. Nick!

Ember: Go for bro- Wait. My mic died. IS THERE A WHITE MAGE OR MEDIC IN THE STADIUM?

Sorcerer: I'm a mage, but I'm Mexican-American, thank you very much.

Ember: No, the mages who wear white. Final Fantasy style.

Sorcerer: I'm a registered Red Mage, so this should be child's play.

Ember: Go ahead.

Sorcerer: Allakakill!

(Mic is fixed)

Ember: Geez, I feel like a total Sony right now!

Sorcerer: Now, for the epic showdown standoff!

(Professor Layton and Phoenix get up from their seats)

Phoenix: It's been a long time, Professor.

Layton: I'm sorry to have to do this, Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: I've grown stronger than before. I can handle myself.

Layton: Then by all means, let your actions speak for you.

Sorcerer: FIGHT!

(Layton pulls out a rapier. Phoenix shrieks but dodges incoming blows from Layton. Phoenix digs around in the stadium. He finds a knife, a court record and a picture of Layton's former girlfriend. He tucks it away. Layton attempts to strike Phoenix)

Phoenix: I'VE GOT ALL I NEED!

(Layton flinches as Phoenix turns a glowing yellow)

Layton: This isn't possible...

Phoenix: OBJECTION!

Ember: ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH POPSICLE!

(Layton and Phoenix trade blows with Objection speech bubbles and swords.)

Layton: Let us see how you perform under these circumstances.

(Layton pulls out his coin slot gun. He fires it like a Gatling gun and leaves Phoenix on the ground. He is about to kill.)

Phoenix: CONTRADICTION!

(Phoenix hits Layton with a finger laser)

Judge: Order in the court!

Luke: PROFESSOR!

(Luke drops Layton's flying vehicle near the site as the stadium's dome opens up.)

(Sorcerer and Ember sit in the booth drinking ICEES.)

Sorcerer: I designed that, you know. (SLURP)

Ember: WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE THESE? THIS IS HORRIBLE!

Sorcerer: It's entertaining. (SLUUUURP)

Ember: No, ICEEs. WHO LIKES CRUSHED ICE COVERED IN BEAVER ANUS JUICE?

Sorcerer: It's better than squeezing Blue Raspberries to death.

Ember: No! It's not! WHY DOES THIS EXIST?

(Sorcerer hands Ember a beer flavored ICEE)

Ember: Okay, this is a step in the right direction.

(Layton flies around in his vehicle, and crashes into Phoenix. They're both on the ground, but slowly gets up.)

Layton: I'm sorry, Mr Wright. I truly am.

(Layton is about to do the final blow when suddenly...)

Phoenix: TAKE THAT!

(Phoenix throws a picture of Layton's girlfriend at him. Professor Layton picks it up.)

Ember: This Is for Smash, Theodore. I'm sure he'd hate to this too, but this has to happen.

(Phoenix brings out his Magatama. He sees Black Psyche-Locks breaking and Layton bursting into tears, dropping his sword. Phoenix picks it up and stabs him while looking away)

Ember: KO! Don't worry folks, he'll be out the hospital in time for Professor Layton 7: The Mysterious Ma- Oops! Spoilers.

Sorcerer: Well, you know, if I'm generous enough. Professor had the glory but Phoenix had the guts. Let us explain how our beloved defense attorney won. Had UMVC3 not existed, Phoenix probably would've had a curb stomp battle. But since he has magical weapons that were able to damage even superheroes, he was definitely on par with Layton.

Ember: Still, Yami would've won... If.. You know...

Sorcerer: The winner is Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney.

Ember: Next Round in the EASDBSSBFB Tournament!

Sorcerer: BUT FIRST, let's check in on our winner!

(Camera shifts to a horrified Phoenix being hugged by Maya and Pearl)

Phoenix: I'm...I'm a murderer...

Maya: You sure gave it to him, Nick!

Pearl: At this rate, you'll win Mystic Maya's heart in no time!

Trucy: You did it, daddy!

Edgeworth: Hmph! Didn't think you had it in you, Wright.

Gumshoe: Nice work, pal.

Mia: I taught you well.

Larry: You are...so COOL, NICK!

Apollo and Athena: Nice work, boss!

Sorcerer: Plot twist. That Squid Sisters fight? It was part of the tournament all along. I simulated a world similar to Inkopolis and brainwashed everyone into thinking it was real, thus removing their memories of the incident. Pretty clever, huh?

Ember: ...wat?

Maya: My hero!

(Maya pecks Phoenix on the cheek with a devious smirk on her face.)

Phoenix: I guess that makes the aftershock just a bit comforting...

Ember: Don't worry Phoenix, you learn to live with Black Psyche-Locks eventually.

Sorcerer: Now, let's check in on Layton!

(Picture of a graveyard, with Grunty sobbing in the background, over Banjo and Kazooie's graves)

Luke: PROFESSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!

Sorcerer: Oh yeah...

Ember: Well. There's not gonna be any Layton game soon. Or will there be? And you know what... Can't help but wonder... How will he handle the next winner?

Sorcerer: WHY ARE WE ASKING YOU ALL THESE QUESTIONS? Stay tuned to find out!

Ember: NEXT ROUND WILL BE...

???: Let's see how you handle the power of the stars!

Sorcerer: The next combatant is one you've all been waiti-

Nighty: It's John Cena.

Sorcerer: WAIT, NIGHTY! DON'T!

Ember: You... Do realize he's fighting the guy who beat Kratos, right? This is a bit serious.

Sorcerer: Tell that to the woman wearing the Nightmare Armor.

???: FOR SHOVELRY!

Sorcerer: Leave a comment below. Please. Just make the music stop.

Ember: Also... PLEASE, NO GOKU, RIDLEY, OR SUPERMAN SUGGESTIONS BELOW.

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