CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #8 — The Sun's Torment · 12:57am Sep 8th, 2015
Title: The Sun's Torment
Author: TheAshenKnight
Found via:Popular box (I think?)
Short summary: A long time after the Nightmare Moon incident (but long before the events of the show), Celestia finds Luna’s old journal in her old room.
Genre: Melodrama/Sad
What does this story do well?: It might be obvious that Celestia and Luna are two of my favorite characters. They have a unique relationship that the show doesn’t explore, and are thus easy to apply headcanon to. This story uses an interpretation that is fairly easy to slot in to canon, and has a familiar but interesting portrayal of Luna and Celestia’s relationship. Celestia did neglect her sister, if unintentionally, and that makes her guilt more acute.
Most of the story is also easy to read. Luna’s journal entries are easy enough to follow, and they sound old-timey without resorting to Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe (as many stories are wont to do).
Where could this story improve?: This story’s first flaw is the pacing. A full fifth of the wordcount is spent on dull buildup; Celestia takes several hundred words just to walk down a few hallways. I like getting a sense of the setting, but the importance of the environmental details doesn’t match the focus given to them in the story.
Another problem is the narration. There are many awkwardly phrased sentences and confusing constructs. Normally I’m not a stickler for things like passive voice, but with a story this slow it is very noticeable. Some examples;
Celestia rose to her hooves and made her way to the door, pausing before the exit to take a glance back out a window to the tired sun hanging just above the horizon.
Too many clauses
Celestia paused at this point, as she did every night time gave her enough respite for wanderings.
Rusted hinges protested with an earsplitting screech as they were compelled into motion, and out flew the musty smell of mold and mildew.
Subject confusion
Heavy curtains hung in tatters over a dirty window, eaten away by the rotting of time.
Is the time rotting, or are the curtains being rotted by time?
Though the balcony outside was in surprisingly good condition, it was certainly showing wear;
Why not “it certainly showed wear”? An example of passive voice negatively impacting the story's pacing.
Finally, the way the characters are presented doesn’t feel believable. We are expected to believe that Celestia left Luna’s room alone for ~700 years, but that nopony remembers her when Nightmare Moon returns. We are supposed to believe that Luna’s possessions have all rotted from time, but that Celestia can still notice indentations in the rug caused by pacing or “the streaks of dried tears on the pillow.” Luna’s sudden transition from forlorn to vengeful is particularly abrupt.
Celestia spends the last fifth of the story talking to herself, yet doesn’t reach any meaningful conclusion. The story sort of peters off without any particular thing happening.
In a single sentence: An okay look at Celestia and Luna’s relationship, hampered by pacing problems and overblown circumstance.
Verdict: No vote. The description notes that the story was inspired by a song. I intentionally did not listen to the song until after reading the story, but I can see the influence. The song is a very slow lullaby, that emphasizes raw emotion over substance. In that sense, the story is an accurate translation of it.
There could be something here, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. The story starts slow, lacks an ending, and the characters don’t feel genuine. Melodrama that might be entertaining in music doesn’t translate well to prose, and this is a good illustration of that.
