Fic Reviews VIII · 8:54pm Sep 3rd, 2015
So, I’m unemployed now, and hoping to make what I can through my hobbies. With that in mind, I’ve redone my Patreon into a monthly campaign, and added what I hope are slightly better incentives. I’m also working on a long chapter fic that will be Patreon-exclusive until it’s completion, and have ideas for a few other special things to do for anyone willing to become my patron, including some possible non-pony-related fiction.
Anyway, on to the reason most of you are here — you saw me flag your story as reviewed and want to know who this jackass is and what he’s saying about you.
Or — long shot — you already follow me and actually read my blogs.
191. It’s Always Sunny In The Everfree
by Jack_mahoff
It’s kinda cute, but pretty telly, particularly when it comes to emotions, and the characters don’t always sound like children. The language they use would work for an adult, but at times comes off as stilted and artificial from a child. Also, the conflict is wrapped up far too easily for something with that much potential impact. A hug and a new friend isn’t enough to get over this.
Score: (1/5) Against.
192. Crystals of the Mind
by Itake Kainsman
This is apparently an unofficial sequel to The “DASH”ing Story, a legendary piece of badfic. While it’s an improvement over the original, that’s not a very high bar to meet.
The narrative is pretty overwrought in the opening. You really need to let the audience get to know a character before giving us their tearful musings.
All I can think of, for some reason (relevancy at about 10 minutes in).
I like the line about necessity from the book, but then we get into characterization and voices. Dash doesn’t really sound like herself, while Lightning sounds unnatural and robotic. They have an argument, and Dash almost reacts violently to some things Lightning says. I can almost believe this for Dash, but the scene doesn’t really sell it, and it comes off as unsupported by the emotions we’re seeing. Finally, the revelation that the entire scene was a flashback, in the absence of anything to establish the new scene, leaves me feeling like nothing in the story has any context.
Score: (1/5) Against.
193. Alone She Stood
by Avox
Twist endings and big reveals can be hard to pull off. Sometimes it’s that they’re too unbelievable. Sometimes that they’re too obvious. And sometimes that they just come from nowhere. The last one most often occurs due to insufficient foreshadowing, and the middle from mishandled foreshadowing. This story, though, falls into the middle category for a different reason — it has nowhere else to go. When presented with a court case, the only real options are “guilty” or “innocent”. And from there, it usually takes no more than the tone of the story to suggest which way it will go.
You realize pretty early on that the POV is from the villain protagonist who’s definitely guilty. For a moment, you can entertain the notion that he’ll somehow be found out. But then the tone of the prose leads you to the conclusion that he’ll be getting away with it. There’s not much reveal thanks to that, but I was invested in the outcome. What hurts it, though, is that I’m not invested in the villain at all. Sociopaths ought to be disturbing to the reader. This guy just felt generic.
Score: (2/5) Slightly Against.
194. Three Days In The Cooler
by Green Akers
So, this is a fish-out-of-water story, and it plays it a way I’m not incredibly fond of. The protagonist tends to come off as painfully naive in places, and in others the diabolus ex machinae that continually bombard our hero with complications that violate common sense become very apparent, and you groan at how obvious it’s being. The most interesting thing, though, is that, at first, the story doesn’t seem very show-appropriate. It all seems a bit too mean-spirited and distrusting. But then you reconsider and realize that no, it does fit. You’ve just gotten used to the friendship utopia that is Ponyville. Sure, I can buy a violent, dull-witted bigot — just imagine Appleloosa’s equivalent of Blueblood. And sure, I can accept a petty, corrupt bureaucrat — it’s basically Flim or Flam on government payroll. In the end, things are wrapped up perhaps a bit too tidily, and the karmic justice comes down harder than seems reasonable, but beyond that it makes for a pretty decent show-toned story from a non-pony perspective.
Score: (4/5) For, particularly if this kind of tale is more up your alley than mine. And besides, it’s under 15,000 words. Give it a shot.
195. Of Rocks and Sand
by Cromegas_Flare
While this piece is touching, to an extent, it can be difficult to read amid the grammar errors, repeated phrases, and awkward construction. However, it does present an interesting friendship between Pinkie and Rarity that seems plausible despite being something I haven’t seen done in this manner before.
Score: (1/5) Against, unless you’re very forgiving of bad grammar.
196. The Ledger
by Vermilion and Sage
This is a brief, three-entry horror anthology. Right off the bat, I’ll go ahead and call it on it’s biggest failing — it’s not scary. I mean, sure, dark stories aren’t necessarily scary stories, but that does seem to be the author’s intent. The tone is utterly lost in the first chapter thanks to the protagonist’s reactions coming off more as random comedy than tense horror, as well as thoroughly cliche action. The latter two fare better on tone, but still don’t deliver any chills. Atmospheric, sure. But this is less Poe and Lovecraft and more “weird tales”.
Score: (3/5) Slightly For.
197. Mottled Shadow
by Inkyarn
So… batponies are a primitive, reclusive race, hiding in forests and caves and scraping by on scavenging. They were apparently once seen as the superior race, and other ponies lived in fear of them. Now they fear being seen by “sun ponies”. I can’t say I’m a huge fan of turning your favorite pony type into a woobie race, but I get how it might be appealing to some people. However, the conflict doesn’t feel like it has anything supporting it. In the end, why are they living this way? Luna knows about them, clearly. Can she really do nothing? Would Celestia really refuse her if she were to ask for her sister’s help? As the story stands, I just can’t really buy it.
Score: (2/5) Slightly Against.
198. Sombra’s Destiny
by Curify
This one suffers from a pretty confused narrative flow more than anything. I almost don’t want to call it purple prose, as it doesn’t fixate on needlessly elaborate metaphor, but that’s basically what it is. The story is so concerned with how it describes everything that the actual point is buried under a ton of needless verbiage. It takes 400 words to tell the reader that basically, after his defeat by Cadance, Twilight, and Spike, his disparate shards were trapped in an endless void, yet still aware, and he was becoming whole again and returning to life. That the grammar tends to be fairly mangled doesn’t help with comprehension at all, either.
Score: (1/5) Against.
199. Ra's Loyal Servant
by Soaring
On the one hand, the concept is unique. A HiE that isn’t based around a modern American, but rather an ancient Egyptian, sent between worlds by Ra. However, the writing isn’t the best. In the early sections, the language seems to want to be regal and proper, but it keeps dipping into being so casual it’s almost flippant. Later, once they reach Equestria, the language instead becomes stilted and confusing. Character interactions are a bit bizarre, as well, with Twilight briefly acting like Spike doesn’t know Fluttershy, despite the story clearly being set in Season 5. Granted, she may have been teasing, but that wasn’t identifiable from the narrative.
Score: (2/5) Slightly Against. An editor would help, going forward.
200. How to Make Friends
by Manaphy
While the writing can be kind of awkward, the characterization feels spot-on, though I couldn’t say for Cloudchaser, since she has the least canon presence of the three ponies involved in the story. The whole story basically boils down to a bit of psychological analysis of Moondancer and the nature of meeting people and making friends. There isn’t too much here, but it has me wanting to get back to my own Moondancer story (which I was writing for Manaphy in the first place, actually) and take a slightly different approach to her.
Also, the Moondancer/Minuette interaction at the start has me convinced that Moondancer would ship very well with an outgoing pony like Pinkie who’d be willing to just drag her into things.
Hey, somebody write that. Moondancer goes to Ponyville to visit Twilight, but Twilight’s out of town doing princess stuff. So she winds up in Pinkie’s care instead. Shipping ensues.
Score: (4/5) For.
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