Pain · 4:43am Sep 1st, 2015
I recently returned from a family reunion, the first one we've had in almost forty years. It was held in Oklahoma City, and I had a good time meeting new relatives and hanging out with ones I already knew.
That's not what I want to talk about.
While I was there, I looked up an old high school sweetheart of mine. We met at a restaurant: I brought my two grown children, and she brought her current husband and grandson. We made light conversation, and then she brought out a photo album from our high school years. I'd forgotten half of the places and events those pictures portrayed, but I quickly realized she saw them in a different light than I did. While a lot of them were fond memories, I remember a lot more pain than she did. After about an hour I stood up, gave her one final hug, and then we went on our way.
Whenever I get hit with an emotional roundhouse it usually takes me a few days to process, but not this time. This time, I was able to sort through the emotions and pin it down as soon as I left the restaurant.
You see, I was in love with her, and she was my first love. ( Not that we ever got together, as you'll soon understand. ) I had been since high school, and I think she loved me. How else to explain she had a photo album from our childhood, but I was prominently featured on just about every page? But here's the problem: it was the late 70s, in Oklahoma. She's white, I'm black, and interracial relationships just didn't fly. I can't help but feel things would have been very different if it were otherwise. What made matters worse ( for me, at least ) was her telling me she left her first husband YEARS ago, and instead of looking me up she made a concentrated effort to find a different guy she'd dated, and married him only a few years ago. That hurt.
I guess the best way to look at it is her feelings were probably not the same as mine, but then I come back to that photo album. It's eating away at me, and I may have to ask her about everything. But not right now. What matters now is she's happy. I can live with that.
I've only ever married once, but I got two beautiful children out of it, so any heartbreak is offset by this knowledge. I'm beginning to see a pattern: something's taken away, but something's given in return. That's really not a bad deal, when you think about it. Still, it's going to take me a few days to recover from this hit, but I will recover.
I always do.
It's always hard to deal with things like past relationships, especially if the relationship was particularly meaningful (like the relationship you described in your post).
The interesting thing is I don't have as many past relationship heartbreaks, because I was never that in to dating anyway.
But I do have a lot of regrets about all of the friends and family I wish I could have known better (especially after my crazy life adventure, which is kind of a story in itself).
Anyway, the best thing you can do is cherish the moments you once had with those people, even if the same feelings can never be experienced again.
It's a sad feeling, but also kind of a satisfying one at the same time b/c there is always the knowledge that you will meet new people somewhere at the back of your mind.
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I try not to live in a world of whatifs, mayhavebeens and "If only"...that way lies madness.
Having good memories is just about as much as anyone can ask, which makes new memories all the more precious.
All that's to say this: thanks for your help!
3367564 You are very welcome. I am glad that I could help. :)