Deleted... Chapter? ("Deep Blue, Part 2")

It's true! There really was a deleted chapter! Or, that is to say, a pretty different version of "Deep Blue, Part 2." After writing it and having my editor take a look at it, I decided it needed some heavy rewrites. Since a lot of it is the same, I won't post it all here; it would be tedious to look through and compare. Instead, I'll post some differences followed by a large scene that was cut entirely.

Changes:
1. The scavenger hunt actually began before Twilight and Turing learned that it was a ruse and confronted Grace and Glory.

2. A huge change was that Bon Bon was originally intending to keep herself hidden as long as possible and thus didn't warn the others about Grace and Glory until after the scavenger hunt had begun. I originally planned to have her be way more concerned with keeping her secret and having her vendetta against G&G be more of a Captain Ahab obsession... but Jaxie pointed out that it made her seem reckless, irresponsible, and incompetent. Not to mention that it also made her seem heartless. Thus, in the new version, she only keeps the group in the dark long enough to spring the trap and then tries to get them to leave before Grace and Glory show up.

3. Pinkie and Lyra wouldn't know about the G&G until they actually showed up, though they would get separated in much the same manner (Lyra accidentally triggering a trap door). This would have led to a scene in Part 3 where Lyra would spot Pinkie Pie in her Fluttershy costume, only for it to be Grace hiding inside it, and that's how she would get brainwashed. I decided against it because it just seemed uncharacteristic of Grace to disguise herself.

But the biggest change was a scene where Rarity and Rainbow Dash get ambushed as part of Grace and Glory's trap. The scene was cut because it was actually too dark. And in the case of a story with a villain who can obliterate somepony's mind, that's saying something. In this scene, Rarity and RD are trying to find their first clue and so they travel to Celestia's old bedroom. Here's the scene, though I warn you, it's quite a bit darker than the final version.

Rarity and Rainbow Dash made their way up the crumbling staircase, Rarity’s glowing horn lighting their way. They entered another hall and then they both froze in their tracks. There was a sound coming from the room at the end of the hallway.

“Is that… singing?!” Rainbow whispered.

Rarity’s ears twitched and she turned her head slightly. “I believe it is… and it’s rather lovely, too. But who could be in this castle besides us?”

Rainbow grinned, pawing the ground and narrowing her eyes. “Heh. Probably somepony trying to scare us away. This must be part of the game. Let’s show ‘em we’re not afraid of some dumb old singing!”

“Ah. Yes, that must be it.” Though she said that, Rarity still remained in place. The sound was high and the pitch of the long notes shifted with a familiar lilt.

“Rarity?” Rainbow asked, nudging her with a foreleg. “Come on, you’re slowing us down!”

“Y-yes, but--”

“But what, come on!”

Rarity finally began to move, but her steps were slow and her face creased as she lowered her head, ears back. That voice is familiar, she thought. It sounds lovely, so why does it make me feel this way? My heart is hammering and I feel like I’m forgetting something.

She broke out into a cold sweat and her breathing became shallow and rapid. We should go. We shouldn’t be here!

Despite these thoughts, Rainbow finally brought her to the door at the end of the hall. It was an ancient door with an inset pattern resembling the sun.

“Celestia’s old room. Wonder what we’ll find in there,” Rainbow Dash said, pushing the door open.

The two stepped inside Celestia’s bedchamber. The plastered walls were cracked, the now-empty sun-shaped bed frame barely kept its shape. A bookcase against the wall was still intact and filled with many ancient tomes. But in the center of the spacious bedchamber, a pony sat, a black sheet covering her as she sang her song. Just in front of her was another envelope.

“So this is it?” Rainbow asked, raising an eyebrow. “I get it: some strange pony singing some weird song to creep us out, and then when I get close to take the envelope, she pulls back the sheet and has some kind of monster mask, right?” She chuckled slightly and took a step forward. “I’m not impressed.”

Then she felt a tug at her tail and turned around. Rarity held her in place.

“Rarity, what are you…” she trailed off when she saw Rarity’s wide eyes and grit teeth. She was pulling away and shivering.

“I know that voice… and that mare… I’ve seen her before.”

The mare pulled back the sheet, revealing her serene face and black habit. She slowly turned to Rarity, her eyes still closed. “Oh Rarity,” she said, drawing out her name, sounding very much like she was still singing. “It seems you remember me.”

“Rainbow Dash,” Rarity whispered. “I… I don’t know why, but I know her.” She gulped and tugged at her tail. “We have to get out of here. Now.”

“What, some singing mare in a nun’s habit?” She turned to her. “Who are you supposed to be?”

“Oh, my apologies,” she said, pressing her hooves together and bowing to Rainbow slightly. “My name is Grace. And in answer to your question, I was mainly singing to signal to my companion that I sensed you coming near. And now that I’ve stopped, he’s come around behind you to block your exit.”

Rainbow Dash heard Rarity gasp and she whirled around and saw a towering stallion. He had a white coat and blonde mane to match his partner’s and he stared down at them with a toothy grin and hard brown eyes. He was also blocking their only exit.

Rainbow Dash swallowed, her blood going cold. “This… is this part of the scavenger hunt?”

Rarity huddled next to her. “Rainbow Dash… I think I remember these two now,” she whispered. “They came to the Boutique. Lyra and I were there. They did something to us. It’s all a haze, but I remember... I was fighting, but there was nothing I could do!” Then her eyes constricted. “She was in my head. She was saying something and I couldn’t shut it out!” Her eyes darted around rapidly and she began to whimper, trembling against her friend. “Rainbow Dash, keep her away! We have to get out of here!”

“Rarity?” Rainbow asked. She never took her eyes off Glory. “What’s going on? What’d you do Rarity?!”

“To be blunt, this ‘scavenger hunt’ was just a ruse to catch you and your friends,” Glory replied.

“And Miss Rarity was an unwitting pawn in our little game.” Grace stood up, lightly kicking the envelope away. “And now comes the time for you to serve a higher purpose, Child of Harmony.”

“What? Stop talking like that! Tell me who you are!”

“We are those who serve the umbrum,” Glory replied.

“Humble servants,” Grace added, approaching them. “We are merely instruments of their will.”

“Okay, enough of this!” Rainbow shouted. She opened her wings. “Rarity, I’ll keep ‘em busy, run for it!”

She shot forward, utilizing her burst of velocity, and planted a fierce kick right into Glory’s forehead.

He didn’t even flinch and she dropped to the floor, landing on her back. She clutched her hoof, sucking in a deep breath as she blinked away tears.

Glory snorted and rolled his eyes. “Pitiful.”

There was a blur and then one massive hoof smashed down on her ribs, knocking the air from her lungs. She gasped, struggling to breathe as her whole body was wracked with pain.

She looked to the side and saw Rarity backed up to the bookcase, her eyes darting around and her chest rapidly rising and falling.

But then her eyes alighted on Grace, who stepped calmly over to Rainbow and tilted her head down at her. Her smile had vanished. “Defiling maggot,” she whispered. “You would dare strike him? I’ll make an example out of you...”

“No, don’t!” Rarity shouted, reaching out for her.

As Rainbow stared up at Grace, snorting and snarling at her as she struggled against Glory as he held her in place, the nun slowly opened her eyes.

Rainbow stopped struggling instantly. From Grace’s eyes came a bright, brilliant blue light. She stared up at it and the pain in her chest and her anger drained away. And the castle was gone… and she saw new things.

She was on a high, grassy hill. She had her head tilted back and was staring up, blinking into the sun, when she saw a massive cloud passing before her, casting a long shadow over the land. But then she saw it was no cloud, but Cloudsdale. And it was low to the ground. It was descending.

“No…” It was dissipating, the buildings losing their form and melting as if boiling away. It was crashing and the pegasi who lived there were leaping from it to escape. But their wings wouldn’t open and they immediately began to plummet. A veritable rain of bodies began to descend. She heard their screams, she saw the looks in their eyes, and she watched as the countryside was soon littered with…

“No!”

And then, among all the falling pegasi, she spotted five familiar faces. There was Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy… her friends were falling to their deaths and somehow their eyes locked onto her as they fell. But though she shouted and fought and demanded her body move, her legs were locked and her wings remained at her side. And so there was nothing she could do.

She couldn’t even look away as the inevitable happened.

She shrieked in absolute horror, covering her eyes, but the visions wouldn’t stop. She didn’t even notice as Glory took his weight off her. She was no longer aware of anything but the awful things that occupied her mind.

Rainbow curled up into a ball, tears streaming down her face, eyes distant and unfocused. Her screams degenerated into bestial cries and then into quiet blubbering.

“I see. You locked her into her worst fears,” Glory remarked, raising an eyebrow as he peered down at Rainbow Dash. He prodded her with a hoof, but got no reaction. Then he raised his head and smirked at Grace, who’d now closed her eyes once again. “Effective. Though the others might have heard her screaming.”

“Let them come find their little lost lamb,” Grace said, waving a hoof dismissively. She smiled up at him. “It will convince them of our earnestness. And now, let us tend to our other lost soul...”

They both turned to Rarity who was crying out and pulling book after book from the bookshelf, practically clawing her way through it in a frantic attempt to escape.

Glory shook his head. “I don’t think there’s a book in there that can save you, Rarity. Just give up and Grace may even be merci--”

Rarity pulled a book and the entire bookshelf swiftly rotated around a full 180 degrees, sweeping Rarity along with it and pulling her into a hidden passage behind the door.

“Oh my!” Grace exclaimed, covering her mouth with one hoof. “It seems we missed that in our surveys of the ruins.” She clicked her tongue. “Glory, we must prevent her escape before she can warn the others.”

Glory went to the bookcase. “Hm. Which book was it?” He rubbed his chin.

Grace gave a little cough. “I believe haste is called for, rather than discreetness.”

Glory nodded. He stepped back, then charged headlong into the heavy bookcase, smashing it to pieces, clearing the way into the hidden passage. Grace trotted after him, glancing back momentarily at Rainbow Dash, still lying curled up on the floor, twitching and muttering to herself. She then ran off after Glory, following the sounds of his heavy hooves clattering on the stone floor.

Ultimately, I couldn't do that to poor Dashie, plus I really thought it would change the tone of the story, even for a chapter as dark as this. At this point in the tale, it proceeded a lot like the final version, with the only major change being a scene where Twilight really got angry and laid a guilt trip on Bon Bon for letting them walk into all the danger.

Regardless, I'm much happier with the way the finalized version turned out. I hope you enjoyed this look at some extra behind-the-scenes stuff anyway, though.

P.S. I also realized that Dashie's gruesome nightmare resembles a story called "The Fall of Cloudsdale." It's pretty dark too, but if you like that sort of thing, I'd recommend it.