xjuggernaughtx's Top Down Reviews #8 - The Archer and the Smith · 4:08pm Aug 20th, 2015
Spoiler Free Summary
The Archer and the Smith is an excellent story overall, but has a few technical hiccups.
You know, it’s strange how the first impressions thing works so well with stories, too. I find that if I like the first few paragraphs of a story, then I tend to like it as a whole. If I’m put off in that time frame, rarely does it get better. I’ve been sitting here wondering whether it’s a matter of mood. Do I dislike the rest of a story that starts off poorly because I’m in a bad mood now? Does it continue to be bad after a rocky start simple because of lack of skill or reader/author incompatibility? A combination of these things? It’s interesting.
Luckily, The Archer and the Smith doesn't suffer from a bad start. The first few paragraphs were a joy to read. Generally descriptive without being overly florid, they were character focused and laid out details that were important to the overall plot. It’s good stuff, folks.
I do want to get one thing out of the way right now. There’s a… mystery? I’m not sure if that’s what you’d call it, but the main character’s identity is never truly mentioned. It’s not very hard to work out who it is, and I don’t think that the hidden identity thing adds anything. It doesn’t detract, either, but I see no real use in the mystery, so from here on out, I’m just going to call that character by their name. The Shaper is just awkward to keep saying, and it felt that way when I was reading it, as well. I’m going to say this again. The identity of this person has no bearing whatsoever on this story, but if you want to keep it a mystery for yourself, turn back now.
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Still here? Good, let’s proceed.
Plot and Characterization
So this is a story set in some alternate Equestria where BAD THINGS have happened. We’re never really told much about what those things are, and that’s something that I’m fine with. I know some readers want to know why an alternate universe has deviated from the normal one, but that's not a big concern to me. It’s like asking why Equestria isn’t like the Earth we know. It doesn’t really matter. It’s just different. As long as it stays consistent within its own logic, that’s good enough for me.
However, the AU tag make judging the merits of characterization somewhat more difficult. Obviously the characters have more latitude to behave differently than their canon counterparts, so we again must look to internal consistency. Do these characters make sense within the confines of their setting?
Happily, the answer is yes. We are first introduced to Apple Bloom in her role of Equestria finest blacksmith. That’s a good, solid earth pony kind of profession, so that’s aces in my book. She’s talented and driven, and it’s no surprise to her when a unicorn (Lyra) drops in and wants an expensive commission.
The surprise for Apple Bloom comes in the why of the thing. Lyra wants a powerful weapon made. One that can slay a dragon. As the plot progresses, we are given a deeper look into why she would want to do that and why Apple Bloom would agree. Reluctant at first, Apple Bloom opens up professionally and emotionally to this unicorn who seems as soul-scarred as she is herself.
I don’t want to give too much away, but this is a story with a narrow focus. Large swathes of questions will be left unanswered, but I want to emphasize that those questions don’t matter to this story. We are given enough history to follow things to a satisfying conclusion.
Both Lyra and Apple Bloom are well-characterized, though one or two of the ideas rubbed me the wrong way. They are minor things, though. Nothing to bump me off the happy reading trail, but eye-rolling none the less.
For example, there is a “Lyra is obsessed with hands” reference in there which just feels forced to me. I get what Sharaloth was doing, but it’s unnecessary. I’m generally not a fan of referencing things like that in a story. I don’t think they add, and often actively detract, from my immersion. This one is not terrible. Maybe only a sentence or two, but it’s a ridiculous solution to the problem that Lyra has been presented, and feels like it’s only been put in there as a wink to the readers.
One issue near the beginning is that it’s occasionally needlessly expository. For example:
"You will," the Shaper confirmed. "Dragon hide isn't just thick, it's supernaturally strong. Ferriotrax is even worse. The Sorceress has put protective spells on him that turn that natural toughness into something stronger than most castle walls.”
Keep in mind that Apple Bloom is saying this to a pony who has come to her saying that she needs a weapon to kill a dragon with. Either Lyra’s a dummy, or Apple Bloom is being expository for the sake of the reader to a pony that almost certainly already knows this information.
Even worse:
"The Sorceress is harsh with those who disobey her laws," the Shaper said, keeping her eyes down as they exited the town. She didn't want to look at the horizon, where the Sorceress's mountain home could be clearly seen. "Her pets are allowed to roam free, but most of them don't attack settlements."
"Heh, I know," Lyra said. The Shaper nodded at that. Lyra wouldn't be hunting Ferriotrax without knowing at least that much.
Here the author is just straight up admitting that they are being expository. That lampshading isn’t fooling anyone, buddy.
But things like that happen infrequently in this story. Mostly, it’s just good, solid storytelling. One thing that didn’t play well with me, though, was Apple Bloom’s contribution to the confrontation. It kind of comes out of nowhere and left me wondering exactly where this particular skill came from. Since it directly affects the outcome of the story, I am somewhat bothered that it just comes out of the blue. There are a few vague threads to tie back to, but I don’t really feel like they are enough. Still, the whole of the story is one that is good, so I can shrug off one thing that doesn’t really agree with me. Sharaloth did give me something to work with.
Technical Things
The technicals of this story are a little worse than the storytelling elements, which is unfortunate. There’s nothing terribly wrong, but with a bit more work, it could have been magic.
The biggest issue I have with the story is that it’s occasionally a little boring. I’ve mentioned the expository nature it dips into from time to time, but added to that are stretches at the beginning where there isn’t a whole lot to keep us keenly interested. It gets better as it goes, but when we don’t have a whole lot of information in the first few pages, I did get a little bored.
A large part of that is the nature of the writing itself. While Sharaloth can lay down some good prose, the dialogue is sometimes less gripping, and same/similar word use is more common than I’d like. Take these two paragraphs near the end:
Ferriotrax Sanguinus was one of the largest of his kind. A red Dragon, his scales burned crimson in the sunlight. His eyes were like volcanic calderas, smouldering in their sockets. Atop his enormous head was a crown of horns, many adorned with ornate rings made of the bones of other Dragons. His wings reached out with batlike fingers so far that their span could have stretched from one side to the other of the town where the Shaper lived. His claws were black, covered in soot and char from the burned things he devoured. His teeth were like swords, gleaming with dripping saliva. His long, lashing tail ended in a knobbed, spiky tip like a fleshy bone-mace. Around his neck he wore a stone torc that looked like gray granite in the light, but glinted pale blue in the shadow. He was a monster that inspired nightmares throughout the Sorceress's domain, and everything about him was gargantuan and deadly.
He landed in front of Lyra, shaking the ground like an earthquake. The Shaper planted her hooves and called on her earth pony nature to keep her stable, while Lyra, long practiced with staying on her back hooves, barely swayed. The Dragon reared up and looked imperiously down at the green unicorn that stood before him.
Sharaloth uses “like” six times in all of this. “His eyes were like...” His teeth were like…” “Stone torc that looked like…” All grouped up together like that, it starts to feel bland when the author is really trying to give us a rich description. It’s counter-productive.
Another example:
"Thirteen arrows," Lyra said, sliding the last into her quiver. She had two of the leather quivers hanging from her back, one with the special Dragon-slaying arrows and the other full of the standard steel arrows she'd been practicing with. "Almost a shame to put beauties like these into a monster like Ferriotrax," she mused, but then shrugged. "Ah, well. I'm sure they won't mind."
"No, they're eager for it," the Shaper said. She stood with Lyra outside the unicorn's cottage on the day of the summer sun. She wore her smithing clothes and her hammer was in its holster at her side. Lyra hadn't commented on this, but had certainly noticed.
"Well that's good," Lyra said. She took a deep breath and her eyes drifted to the sky where the sun was just making its ascent over the treetops for the longest day of the year. "I'd hate to make them do something they don't want to."
Notice the similar structure of these three paragraphs. They all open with dialogue, followed by “________ said.” Then into description. Two of the three move back into dialogue at the end.
There’s nothing terrible about this, but it does happen for long stretches. Each paragraph feeling mechanically like the one before it, and it takes away some of the freshness the story ought to have.
Let me be clear here. The writing in these story is generally appealing. I’m not saying this is bad stuff. What I am saying is that with another editing pass, this could really sparkle. It’s already quite good.
Missing commas are a minor issue in this story. There are quite a few instances where they are needed, and one or two of them affect comprehension. I had to re-read a sentence here and there to understand what was going on.
Also, the word “dragon” is always capitalized for some reason. Not really sure what that’s all about.
Are You The Intended Audience?
I suspect that most readers would enjoy this story. I could see it being a little dry for younger readers, maybe, or people that want their stories to come out of the gate at a gallop. It does take a little bit to get going. However, fans of solid storytelling will probably like this one a lot. The prose is generally solid, and the dialogue wavers between good and serviceable. I think this story would have broad appeal.
I give it:
Four Chres.
Oooh, your first (?) four!
3335492 Yes, Apple Bloom, There *is* a Santa Hooves was a four, but I really think it's a three story with a gimmick that pushed it over the top. This feels like the first true four.
That Chres pluralization brings happy tears to me eyes!
3335974 And apparently turns you into a pirate.
Regarding:
I actually took that less as exposition and more that AB was half-thinking Lyra didn't actually think through what she was trying to do. It's her trying to talk Lyra out of the suicidal task. It's the "you know he is invincible, right?" confirmation.
3358821 It's one way of looking at it, but I don't think she doesn't ever really try to talk her out of the fight at any other time besides at the end when she's attached, does she?. I could see it from that perspective, but it doesn't really read that way to me. I'd need more of an established pattern or for Apple Bloom to be more up front about it to go with that. When I re-read it, I'll keep that in mind and see if I find anything else that feels like it supports that view.
3358836
Well, maybe not so much talking her out of it but more of a she's in a bit of disbelief that anypony would attempt such a thing. Saying it out loud to see if it sounds as crazy to Lyra as it does in her head. But I agree that it lacks a bit of consistent pattern to justify it.