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Aug
15th
2015

Review: Discord's Apprentice · 2:19pm Aug 15th, 2015

I love pony fiction. A surprising declaration on a pony fiction fan site, I'm sure, but it's true. So, in the spirit of pony fiction, I thought I would start trying to review, analyse and/or critique some pony stories.
If you have a story you'd like me to review, leave me a comment either on my user page, or through the private messaging service.



Discord's Apprentice is tagged:
Comedy, Random, Crossover

It features the character tags:
Pinkie Pie, Princess Celestia, Discord, Mane Six, Other

Discord's Apprentice was written by Architect, and can be found here. At the time of review, the story is incomplete, with 13 chapters posted. Full story spoilers below the cut.


Discord was present during the aftermath of Tirek's attack, and he saw the rainbow the mane six created. But he also felt something else in the rainbow, something that should be impossible; a user of chaos magic. After research, he find's the source of the chaotic surge: Pinkie Pie.
Discord approached Pinkie, taking her under his wing and as his apprentice, and begins training her in the art of chaos magic.
However, doing so may have repercussion's no pony can foresee. For long ago, Discord struck an agreement with something, which may object to their Compromise being broken...

Before I begin, I want to agree with Architect's first author note: it is kind of surprising no one has ever done this before, because the idea is brilliant. I suspect it comes from most people associating Discord with Fluttershy rather than Pinkie... but the idea of Discord taking Pinkie Pie as an apprentice is fantastic, and very reminiscent of Mort... and any similarities to the (late and) great Terry Pratchett are always welcome in my book.

Discord and Pinkie are difficult character's to write on their own, so I imagine writing them at the same time would be a bit of a nightmare... in which case I have to offer kudos to Architect. His Discord is very reminiscent of the show. Unfortunately, I think it also works as the best demonstration of the difficulties of translating a character (who thrives in a visual medium) into a written one:

"Hmm. Maybe I was going off a bit half-cocked." His head tilted to one side and a smoking bullet fell out of his ear. "You know what, I think she should know what she is. I'll teach her. That's it, I'll teach her everything I know. I've never had someone to share my pranks with before, or someone who really understood the intricacies of magic the same way I do. I tried with dear Tia, but-" He sighed, gazing longingly at a picture of the Solar Princess stuffing her face in her private quarters. "She always had a stick up her rear when it came to stuff like that." He reached for his lower half, then thought better of it. "I'm crazy, not stupid." He swapped a dunce's cap for a straitjacket for emphasis. "And Fluttershy, bless her heart, just wouldn't comprehend it. It takes a special mind to Understand Chaos." The devil and angel on his shoulders both twirled their fingers beside their ears. "Anyway," Discord dismissed his props. "I might as well make my offer."

That is a lot of actions, striking one after another. It's very reminiscent of show!Discord -possibly a bit too many, even by his standards, but a fair representation of how he acts. In fact, I rather like Architect's description of the item's as props, and the idea that Discord's "randomness" is just a reflection of his thoughts and mood.
However... it can be a lot of images to absorb for a written scene, interrupting Discord's exposition with random prop comedy.

To be fair, this issue becomes less prevalent over the course of the story; the actions become a little slower and more fleshed out. From more recent chapters, for instance:

DOWN A BAKING UNIT!? Pinkie gasped. UNACCEPTABLE! "Don't worry, Mr. Cake, Fix-It Pinkie is on the case!" Pinkie proclaimed, donning a toolbelt and blue-collar shirt. She stepped up to the oven, and examined it from every angle. When that produced no clues on how to fix it, she close her eyes, focused, and Saw. She knew the kitchen gear operated on magic, which is why Mr. Cake was able to repair it, but until today she hadn't been able to see it. With her Sight open, the problem became obvious: somepony had made a sloppy heating knot during production, and it leaked excess energy that messed with the entire unit. Pinkie reached out, and with a few quick tugs, undid the knot and retied it neatly, like the bow on a present.

"Sorry, Brain, must have grabbed the wrong one," he said, taking the right object this time and sticking it in his ear. "See ya later, Brain! Have Fun!" With that, Pinky turned around and dove over the edge of the bench. Brain spotted him swimming up a stream of punch that was floating in midair before Brain lost him amid the shadows and flashing lights. A quick check on his equipment confirmed it was functioning normally, and with a nod of satisfaction, Brain pulled out a jetpack (since just walking across the floor would be extremely hazardous to his health) and soared out into the chaos.

There is still the 'random' and visual aspect to the comedy, but fleshing it out (or giving it comedic asides) make's it flow better, and gives it more of a punch- in fact, the parenthetical quip about Brain's health sounds rather Pratchett-y and made me smile.

It can be hit and miss -this example comes from the same time period, for instance

Discord stepped up to the podium wearing a tuxedo with a white bow-tie in front of an orchestra of fruit. The kumquats were on the strings, The pineapples played percussion, the bananas blew the brass, the watermelon whistled into the woodwinds, and a choir of grapes was standing at the ready. Discord tapped his baton against the musical score, and began to conduct.

and doesn't land because it link's to the concert Discord is conducting rather than describing it... but on the whole, Architect does become better with doling out the random asides as the story goes.

Just as the visual comedy can be hit or miss, the same can be said for the crossovers. There are times where it work's well - such as Discord's horror at Pinkie Pie animating broomsticks - and others which feel a little more intrusive (such as the current 'Warner Bros' arc)... but this might come down to personal preference. And -while a direct crossover is never really something I am interested in- it's difficult to deny the logic of having Discord interact with the Warner Bros characters... and him knowing the animaniac's is frakking genius.

Unfortunately... comedy, random and crossovers have a very subjective appeal. I have to confess that i found the three to be rather hit-or-miss at times... but that isn't a slight against Architect, who (for the most part) writes them well. It's just my preferences as a reader.

However, there is still a lot of stuff in this that I did like; primarily the characterization, and the slowly-developing meta-arc.

As I said, Architect's Discord is very reminiscent of the show in his deliver of jokes and one-liner's. However, the role he find's himself in is a pretty unique one, and it's interesting to see him adapt to being a teacher. At time's he can perhaps seem too successful, or too mature for the role... but as his introduction in the first chapter points out, he's basically forcing himself to be, to ensure that Pinkie Pie grows into her power's correctly... and even so, we still see his pranking and immature side in the way he treats Blueblood, and when:

"THIS IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE!" Discord shouted, poking Pinkie in the forehead, "SET A HOMING BEACON, AND DO IT NOW."

Pinkie's ears flattened against her head as she set to work with the instructions he'd just given her, both hurt and confused. He never shouted at her, no matter what happened, or how well she was doing. It was disconcerting to say the least. By the time she'd finished, Discord seemed to have cooled off, though he still looked stern.

"I'm sorry, Pinkie," he began, "I shouldn't have shouted at you. It's just," he sighed, staring off into the void, "I learned that particular lesson the hard way."

The "sympathetic Discord" angle is another one which might rub some reader's the wrong way, but in this case I feel it works, since the theme of Lonliness connects him and Pinkie Pie.

As I pointed out above, Discord laments that he tried to teach Celestia chaos magic, but she didn't have the mind for it. This echoes Pinkie's sentiments when her friends try to talk her out of her apprenticeship.

Pinkie cut her off, something she never did. "Well, now you're going to hear it. For all my life, I've known I wasn't normal." Pinkie twisted her hoof around and was suddenly holding a picture of her family. "I never quite fit in, and I never knew why. I tried my best to ignore it, because thinking about it only made me sad, but it was still there, waiting for a reminder." Pinkie stuck her leg out, the picture having gone missing at some point, and a phrase echoed through the air, each repetition done in a different voice. "Just Pinkie being Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie..." By this point her friends were in total shock, with their mouths open and ears flattened.

"You never tried to understand it, and no-" Pinkie added as Twilight started to speak, "your studies don't count. You gave up way too early, and worked off a faulty assumption that would never have gotten you anywhere. You set out to disprove my Pinkie Sense, instead of observing what I was doing and then coming up with possible explanations. You saw something that didn't make sense, and dismissed it as 'impossible.'" Here she made quote marks in the air, despite her lack of fingers. "Once you gave up, you just brushed it off, and never questioned it further, even when new evidence appeared that might have let you figure it out."

Pinkie stood and started walking towards the group, her eyes locked on Twilight. "Then Discord came, and gave me not only an answer to the question I had been struggling with my whole life, but offered to teach me about a side of myself I'd never even seen before. And you want me to just give it up?" She stuck her nose in Twilight's face, eyes flashing.

While I felt her immediate dejection in the first chapter -and her feelings of isolation- was a little heavy handed, I quite liked this moment. It add's depth to Pinkie's character, that she isn't 'just Pinkie' and oblivious to the world around her, and it makes her agreeing to become Discord's apprentice more sympathetic- just as Discord is excited to find someone else like him, Pinkie Pie is excited to find someone who finally understand's her.

Furthermore -just as she mirrors Discord in mentality here- there are slow hints throughout the story that Pinkie is starting to mimic him physically, with character's mentioning off-offhandedly that she is becoming taller, or that her tail is starting to split. It's still very much a background element -not even Discord, who should probably be the most aware of it, has commented on the changes- but it hints at the plot that lie's beneath the random comedy.

The scene with the Mane Six also parallel's the developments that happened between Celestia and Discord... except that where Celestia couldn't understand Discord, Twilight and friend's don't like Pinkie's decision, but they accept it.
Frankly... if there is one thing I dislike about this story, it would be Celestia's characterization. Her objections to Pinkie's position makes sense -again, hinting at the grander conspiracy of the Compromise- as does Discord's reasons for the apprenticeship.

"Discord, I told you, you have to stop this," she stated. "Equestria can't take another chaos user. The Compromise won't allow it."

"And I told you, Tia, that it's already too late," Discord retorted. "She's coming into her powers, and cutting it off now won't stop it. If anything, it will only make it worse, as she'll lack proper training." The globe he was holding fractured. "Besides, you know how lonely it gets being immortal. She's the only pony I've ever been able to really be myself around, and I think the feeling's mutual. Would you really break up a friendship like that?" He fiddled with some golden heart on a chain, but it wouldn't stop moving long enough for Celestia to get a good look at it.

"Graaaahhhh!" Celestia roared, and stormed out. The worst part was, she reflected, that he was right. She couldn't interfere without becoming a massive hypocrite. As much as she wanted to stop this threat before it manifested, the truth was where was nothing she could do. The only thing worse than another Discord is another Discord with no control over his abilities. As terrible as Discord's reign may have been, he at least restrained himself from killing anypony. If Pinkie lost control she'd have no such obstacle. Celestia could only pray that wouldn't happen.

It's a scene that I like, where both side's have valid points. I feel Celestia is a little too aggressive - but Celestia has so little characterization in the show that it isn't out of the realm of possibility (plus her very-canonical dislike of Discord in his first appearance). Again, I feel this is somewhat effective, particularly coming after Twilight and co's failed intervention. The breaking of Celestia and Discord's friendship (and their feelings for one another) has been a running theme for the earlier chapters of the stories, most especially when the group get's dinner together...

But then this happens:

Then she froze as she remembered something, an ancient backup plan that she'd never had to use, and had long since been discarded. Smiling darkly, she strode off in the direction of the palace vaults. She may not be able to do anything now, but that didn't mean she couldn't prepare for the worst.

I've made my opinion's clear before; I don't object to Tyrantlestia (or any Evilestia) on principle; I feel that it's a concept which can be explored.

Celestia as an antagonist makes sense for this story; we understand why she would be concerned about another Discord. Given the sort-of there Dislestia, I don't think that Architect is going for a full-fledged E for Evilestia route... but as a Celestia fan who has often seen Celestia made to look bad to make Luna or Discord look good, it does make me squint my eyes and wonder just where Architect is going with this story.

Given we don't know what is happening... it's premature of me to make a judgement of that. It might be that Celestia will have good cause for what she is doing; there have been numerous references to Pinkie's training throwing the System out of balance. Given that Twilight and her friends accepted Pinkie Pie, it might be foreshadowing that this story will involve Celestia making amends with Discord. Or it might be a case of lining up everypony else to oppose Celestia in later chapters.

I don't know- and I'm not judging based on it- but it is my one major reservation with the characterization.

As for the story line itself... there are a few on-going story threads. Pinkie's draconequification, Celestia's planning, the Compromise... all of which are contained within the meta-arc of Pinkie being trained by Discord. At the moment, however, those are are mostly background elements, with the story being more episodic. In a way, I like it -it actually rather suits the randomness of the Chaos magic to not have a structured story-line, and it certainly offer's Architect a lot of opportunity to explore things- like in the current chapters, where the characters are travelling through "the Great Bush" and reaching into other shows and crossovers... but I also have to admit that I tend to be a lot more intrigued by the myth arc stuff, and by the underlying plot elements. Again though; personal preference.

I fear I've come across too negative, so let me make this clear. This is a GOOD story; I enjoyed reading it. I liked the characterization of Discord and Pinkie Pie; I'm intrigued by the underlying story elements. I want to see what becomes of Pinkie's Draconequus-like transformation, what the awakening of the System means. I want to see what it is that Celestia is planning, and what becomes of it.
However, I also feel that this is a story which lends itself to a lot of subjective interpretations. Comedy can be hard to judge, since what one person finds hilarious, someone else doesn't- so while I may not have found most of this story uproariously funny, that doesn't mean someone else won't. While I might like to see more of the plot arc stuff, someone else might prefer the sort of episodic-style that things are in at the moment.

Neither of us would be wrong. Frankly, this is a story which I would recommend that people read and make up their own minds about, because a lot of it can either work or fall flat based on thing's that an individual themselves finds funny, or interesting, or wants to see.
As a work of writing, however -detached from that- I feel it works well. There are no spelling or grammatical errors that I noticed, I love the central concept of the, and the ideas it presents intrigue me as to it's future. I'm going to keep an eye on it, at any rate, and definitely look forward to the future of the story.

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