Minions' Murmurs · 12:18pm Aug 15th, 2015
I'm working on an Equestria Girls story that builds on several previous stories set in that world, but I need a bit more setup, along with an opportunity to put out some headcanon. However... Well, it's just not coming together. I've posted the current draft of the story here. Comments are enabled.
The story itself is the one alluded to in this blog. It's only about two thousand words long, though the pacing definitely needs work. At the moment, it's just tagged Slice of Life (and Human, obviously.) Feel free to dig into it and/or comment on this blog.
That being said, don't expect an immediate reply. I'm visiting my sister this weekend and will be largely unavailable starting about now.
UPDATE: I've received sufficient advice. Thanks again, everyone. I know what I must do.
It needs more, details, I think? At the beginning. It feels like it is rushing to get to the explanation, not taking enough time to show what's going on on the way there. Granted, you already mentioned the pacing needs work. Maybe a little bit of scene setting?
I've left a few comments on the Google doc, but here's my overall analysis.
The reason the story doesn't click is that it neither follows the structure of storytelling (building conflict, climax, denouement) nor that of prose (capturing a single moment in non-poetic form). The main conflict you introduce (the other EQ girls accusing Sunset of (spoiler) ) gets resolved about one-third of the way through- far too early. The closing teaser implies that this is chapter one of a much longer series of shenanigans, rather than a stand-alone scene with a coda.
Options you should consider:
(1) Reworking the conversation so that reconciliation between the girls happens closer to the end. This might be done by bringing certain religious issues closer to the front of the bit and having them be discussed in parallel with the main conflict point.
(2) Extending the opening (which, in the doc, I recommended you cut) to better establish building conflict between Sunset and the other girls, for reasons she doesn't understand.
(3) Using this bit as a jump-off for a longer story that explores the consequences of what's been mentioned in the snip (trying to avoid outright spoilers). Keyword: bleedover.
This is Act 1 of a longer story, not a complete story in and of itself. Which is fine... if you plan to continue it. If not, seconding
3321524 so very hard.
I don't like short, one-shot worldbuilding stories in general. (So I'm totally biased.) Usually the story's plot is nothing but an excuse for exposition, and they often feel like moments that belong in a larger story. They could easily be dragged out much longer into a subplot, or just enough to occupy much or most of a chapter of a longer story. In this case, I don't think it's necessarily a good place to jump off from either. Characters standing around and expositing to each other is a down-tempo moment. If this was, to spin an example, a minor sub-plot in the first chapters to introduce some important concepts for later, then you'd have some loud-ish moments building up to the payoff of the exposition. The way your passage has it, though, would be more suited to an in-between moment of a story where you need some "normal" scenes to move from one big-deal thing to another.
I guess that's kinda being too general, but I don't have much to say about the story itself. I really just don't like the idea. (Not exactly useful criticism for any story right there.) Sunset somehow never seeing a Human's uncovered butt for three years and Harmonism being taboo to talk about both seem contrived simply so we Sunset can be the Naive Newcomer. There are plenty of other ways a story can gradually tell the readers about these kind of important/intriguing world-building details, and having it all stated outright in a conversation... works plenty of the time for tons of stories. I guess it just feels out of place to me done this way, all stand-alone and (to me at least) iffy.
In other news, ice-cream cookie sandwiches are absolutely worth the effort to buy ice-cream + cookies and then combine them (and chill to solidify). Way easier than a home-made pie.
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Thanks to all of you. I now know what I need to do with this, and part of that includes writing up a blog post rather than trying to stuff ten pounds of headcanon in a five-pound bag.
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Oh, I thought the chapter was incomplete...
My comment assumed writing was going to resume and finish the chapter, not that it was done.
3322548: I guess that's kinda being too general, but I don't have much to say about the story itself. I really just don't like the idea. (Not exactly useful criticism for any story right there.) Sunset somehow never seeing a Human's uncovered butt for three years and Harmonism being taboo to talk about both seem contrived simply so we Sunset can be the Naive Newcomer. There are plenty of other ways a story can gradually tell the readers about these kind of important/intriguing world-building details, and having it all stated outright in a conversation... works plenty of the time for tons of stories. I guess it just feels out of place to me done this way, all stand-alone and (to me at least) iffy.
On that note, assuming that they didn't have their Marks because they weren't adults might be more reasonable.
3323458
I was going to get to this in the morning but it looks like the others have had things well in hand. But yeah, trying to dump headcanon into a text file and call it a fic--however masterfully disguised--is always risky.