Downer · 10:36am Aug 14th, 2015
Three days off every week. Sleep through the first day. The next two days I wake in six hour segments before the tiredness kicks in and I go sleep for another eight hours, spend another six hours awake until my energy wears down again, exhausted by nothing, back to bed. The last night/day/morning, whatever I call it, stay awake too long, desperate to accomplish something on my extended weekend. Jujitsu begins two hours before my overnight shift at Good Burger. I miss it, as usual.
Go to work, do my shift. Back aches for no reason. Go home and sleep. If I'm lucky, I'll only sleep eight hours. Usually sleep twelve, and between hour of laying in bed refreshing the same few pages before I sleep and the hour or two laying in bed refreshing the same few pages when I wake up, it feels like fourteen hours a day. Feels like I need nine hours just to not feel exhausted. Might remember to take my prozac, if I'm being good. I know my body needs eight hours sleep, my shift is nine hours, and travel/prep for work takes up no more than an hour and a half every day. Even if I messed around/did housework/played games/sat and masturbated for two hours every day, I'd still have three and a half hours every day to write. Even at a snail's pace of 250 words/hour, that would be nearly 1k a day towards whatever story I was working on. Yet, I do not do this.
My brain decides, on the first of my days off, that it simply does not want to write a single damn word. In fact, it does not want anything that requires a modicum of concentration. Reading books? No. Watching movies? No. Playing any game that's not an ADHD-tickling gun-and-run? No.
When I visit, my stepmother reasonably asks me if I think I have the work ethic to write full time. I say yes, of course. I love writing, or at least I love having stuff written enough to make up for the squishy words-thinking bit in the middle. I've written 1/3rd of a million words of fanfiction just because I like to! I'm a damn good writer. Except, when it comes to realfic, I've got precisely.... one and a half 10k word short stories written in about two years. I read about writers who crack out 2-7k words per day and struggle to make a living. I don't think I'm going to end up like them, but the voice nags at me.
I knew something was wrong this weekend when I tore myself away from videogames and checking the same four websites and realised 'holy shit, I don't have the energy for anything but getting back to bed and sleeping.' On the second day, I woke up, spent five hours reading a book, and then had to go back to sleep. This morning/evening/whatever, I've had just enough energy to cook an actual meal. The bin needs changing, and I swear I've been staring at it for two hours because 'things to do to change the bin' is a blank spot in my head made of brick walls and failure. I haven't done any laundry since early July.
I want to write full time, I'm just... I feel like I'm trapped between the gap of 'can I make it?' and 'get a different life plan', and every time I think of realfic writing, 'you won't make it as a writer' will always be at the back of my mind. I feel like that's also keeping me out of all the other fields I'd like to go into.
I'm not really going anywhere with this. Haven't done much on FIMfic for a while, tho that's mostly a consequence of 'I will not write fanfic until I finish another realfic'. I'm still around, though.
I know how you feel bro.
You diagnosed with depression? Because what you describe definitely checks all the boxes. All of them.
I've been there.
Sounds like you've fallen into the exclusion diet trap - cutting out an otherwise healthy thing to force a change in yourself. Sure, you might lose weight short term (it's a metaphor, work with me here) but you feel miserable while you're doing it, and it doesn't result in any real change in your circumstances. When you stop, you binge on the otherwise healthy thing and end up putting on more weight than before, which leads to self-recrimination and a repeat of the cycle with even harsher self-treatment and a determination to do it right this time.
Fanfiction is part of a healthy writing diet. Let yourself do it. You'll bang out that O-fic in no time.
Chuck, this isn't like you at all, man. I'm sorry to hear this, and if it helps, this is something I think is temporary. In fact, this exact same shit happens to me occasionally. I can blame having a job all I want, but truth is, we'd be in this spot even without the job.
Just keep a few things in mind:
Even writing only a little bit is helpful to your cause. Goes without saying, even if it doesn't look helpful.
See if you can start a different hobby to act as your B to writing (your A hobby). For me, when my writing bug is apprently fucked off somewhere, I just take to sketching out something relevant to what I want to write. Recently, I've even taken up balloon twisting (which earns me some pocket money, actually) and practicing magic tricks, and juggling. Believe it or not, it's incredibly relaxing and gets you back into feeling good about yourself... which helps your writing muscles.
On the above note, steer clear of video games for a while. They're fun, but for the most part, they're not helpful to writing beyond maybe an interesting situation or character concept. (Though if you're writing a crossover between two franchises, it may be helpful to play certain games from the series.)
And it's good to see you're reading books more, that's helpful too.
And 3319019 has the right idea. Just don't give up on yourself, or your writing, and keep cracking at it, even if it's just fanfiction. We're rooting for you, dude!
Every day you don't do it makes it cumulatively harder to do it the next day, and sets precedent.
Stuff like this happens whenever I hit a depression low -- you might want to check to see if any other red flags are at full mast and perhaps check in with a doctor-- and usually I solve it by reinforcing the routine hard. As usual, I need to preface this as saying this is what works for me in my situation. And it's not an easy thing to start doing, especially when you're already in that situation.
Find a place that you can write, and that you wouldn't go to for any other reason. Somewhere close, preferably with some natural sunlight, preferably without an internet connection, somewhere outside of your own home. A local library or particularly forgiving coffee shop is ideal. Set a time to go there, just for an hour, and make no excuses.
Then write while you're there. Doesn't matter how much. Doesn't matter how little. Just make sure you do it every single day. A weekend break is fine, but make sure it's the same day or days every single time. The whole point of the exercise is the routine.
It makes it easier when you have a place designated as Your Writing Only space. It makes your brain associate the location with the act of writing and the act of writing alone. Then, when you're focused more on writing in this specific location, it makes it easier to do in other places as well, or for longer.
It does wonders for your self-esteem, productivity. Which makes you feel better. Which makes it easier to be productive.
As one last suggestion: This website -- When life gives you bad brain chemistry, turn a Skinner's box into your bitch.
Have you considered seeing a doctor?
bro, that sounds like depression. Or possibly some disorder involving ATP or something, since it sounds like you are brutally tired all the time and lacking in energy. I'd go see a doctor of some sort. Good luck!
3319285
This comments says everything mine would have about writing productivity, but to echo another couple commenters, the way you describe your constant lack of energy sounds like a very good reason to consider seeing a doctor. A lot of people go through temporary funks, but it's not fair to yourself to call this one of those if it's been going on for (it sounds like) weeks. Treat yo'self, mang.
Seconded the people saying you should see a doctor. You could have depression, Lyme or some other bacterial infection, chronic fatigue syndrome, bad nutrition, lack of exercise, too little salt, low blood pressure, any number of things.
Therein lies your problem. Write something. It doesn't matter what it is. Write what your heart wants to write, not what your logical brain is telling you that you should write. Write something, if for no better reason than to use that as a palette cleanser. In fact, for precisely that reason, it's the best reason.
Oh and see what you can do about your sleeping issue. I've got my own that I can't be properly treated, but it's semi-liveable at least. Yours seems... not. And take your fucking happy pills, ya pleb.
You're never going to hate yourself for all the things you tried that maybe didn't end up working out when you're too old to take chances anymore. You will, probably, regret not trying things.
I think you're one of the, if not, sharpest, most clever and witty authors on this site. I read a lot of your stuff and want to kick myself in the scrotum because you did something jarringly obscene, or horribly humiliating or undeniably real that always tickles me something fierce. Comparing your fan fictions to modern masterpieces like 50 Shades of Grey, anything by Grisham, or one of those novels you can find for under five dollars on an otherwise empty rack in the checkout line at the grocery store I think you've got a unique enough voice that you could definitely market it.
I say go for it. What do you have to lose? A couple years of your life that you'd otherwise still spend working?
C'mon. Don't be a fucking jabroni.