Friendship is Card Games: Ponyville Confidential · 12:28pm Aug 9th, 2015
It’s my 100,000,000th blog post! … in base 2. But this episode is still rather special to me. It isn’t just the one that gave us Cakelestia and proof that Equestria has no libel laws. It’s also the source of one of my first attempts at a non-crossover story. Let’s open up this issue.
My Little Pony: The only context where the script can have a legal minor can look at another legal minor’s rear and say “Looking good,” while still getting a TV-Y rating.
Sweetie and Scootaloo’s confusion over Apple Bloom’s idea is a microcosm of the Crusade: Starting with a misunderstood idea and going in every possible direction but the externally obvious one.
Cheerilee finishes announcing the newspaper meeting once half the class has already left. Brilliant work, Cheerilee.
Namby Pamby’s graduation leads to an interesting question: Just how much schooling is a pony required to take? It’s not like we see any kind of secondary education in Ponyville. I suppose after primary school, ponies are expected to pursue their special talents. And to have found those talents. 
It also leads to additional early continuity snarl. If they’re discussing the issue of Namby Pamby’s graduation, then it is logically very early in the school year, which would put this at the end of summer or beginning of fall in the countries that Equestria most closely resembles. However, this episode clearly takes place after “Call of the Cutie,” given that the Crusaders have assembled, and after “Lesson Zero,” given that Big Macintosh is in possession of Smarty Pants. “Lesson Zero,” in turn, almost certainly takes place after “Return of Harmony,” which means that the massive pile of friendship letters that de-discorded Twilight was accrued over the course of a few months. (No, I’m not letting this go. It is absurd.)
Diamond Tiara puts her special talent on full display. Not just leadership, but tyrannical leadership. She was born to reign in terror. Heck, she even refers to it as “a new regime.” Also, she can apparently summon pictures of herself, as befits any dictator.
It’s interesting to note that Silver Spoon is entirely absent during this episode. What was she up to during the Tiara regime?
Truffle Shuffle in fez and reading glasses never fails to make me laugh.
Many people have tried to explain how two-key typewriters are supposed to work. Personally, I like the theory that there’s a magical aspect, allowing ponies to transmit their intent into the mechanism through the somatic ritual of hitting the keys. The space bar, on the other hand, works exactly like a mundane typewriter.
Snips and Snails reveal that cutie marks are only coat deep. I wonder if Starlight Glimmer could be satisfied with an electric trimmer. Or if that was just a phase in her youth. There’s an idea…
Rarity. The gem of Ponyville. The toast of Canterlot. The sorrow of Moldavia. Driven to giggles by a story about gum on bums.
Also, very interesting to note that flicking a unicorn’s horn can disrupt her magic. That’s probably considered quite rude, though. Especially in Equestrias where there’s brain tissue in there…
The Ponyville Express? I’d forgotten the name. And that Ponyville had a non-school-based paper at all. Part of why I like rewatching old episodes; dusting off things I’ve missed.
Also, I love how Rarity and Sweetie try to cajole one another using largely the same tactics: begging, pleading, and being so adorable that the other can’t say “No.”
Lyra, why are you grabbing the newspaper with your mouth? Though newsprint is said to have antibacterial properties, so it’s not quite as big an issue as in some cases…
And now I’m wondering if unicorns have weaker immune systems, given that they aren’t orally exposed to as many pathogens. Though the early years without telekinesis probably give them the same later robusticity.
Okay, Dash definitely chewed that cucumber slice before Spike pulled it out of her mouth. He may or may not have anentropic powers. Which would actually fit with my headcanon about how his fax breath works, preserving the information of what it burns and magically reassembling it. (In other words, Spike’s breath has the destructive/reconstructive behavior that Twilight’s teleportation does in a certain subgenre.)
It’s obvious why Twilight would be upset over a Gabby Gums column about Celestia, but I can’t help but wonder if that one was intentionally staged. Featherweight may be good, but I doubt he’s “sneak past royal security” good. I wouldn’t be surprised if Celestia deliberately orchestrated this as a way to disseminate equinizing details about herself. Or it was Luna’s idea. One of the two.
Given that the Crusaders apparently interviewed Spike, wouldn’t that mean that he then knew who they were? Couldn’t the Mane Six have asked him?
Huh. Looks like Twilight being deliberately misinterpreted by the press is canon. Before ascension, even!
“Et tu, Gabby Gums?” And with that, not only was Latin canon, so was the assassination of Julius Caesar. Or the equine equivalents of both.
Shouldn’t the idiom be “goodie four-horseshoes”?
Shining Armor clearly isn’t the only gifted shieldmage in the family, though Twilight’s barrier isn’t quite on the same scale. Still, closest thing we had to foreshadowing for “A Canterlot Wedding.”
Angry, talkative Big Macintosh isn’t quite as horrifying when you know he’s coming, but he still makes for an excellent gag.
I can neither confirm nor deny that “Dink of Disaster” was revenge for Diamond Tiara shoving Dinky offscreen.
Can Angel Bunny read? This puts the cookbook in “Putting Your Hoof Down” into a new context.
A fun story and a lesson for everyone involved, the readers included. After all, it was their hypocritical enjoyment that pushed Gabby Gums to the top. (Really, seeing them acknowledge that more would’ve been nice.) And it’s not like the Crusaders used their anonymity to completely destroy the social capital of someone who was only just beginning to reestablish herself in the community after a tremendously humbling experience. That would just be cruel.
Cards are hot off the presses:
Cake Binge 1W
Enchantment
W, Sacrifice an enchantment: You gain 4 life.
”After centuries of rule, you learn to appreciate the little things.”
—Princess Celestia
Tyrannical Editor 1W
Creature — Pony Bureaucrat
Protection from nonwordy (This creature can't be blocked, targeted, dealt damage, enchanted, or equipped by anything with three or fewer lines of text in its text box.)
"Make it juicy!"
2/2
Excessive Accessorizing 2W
Enchantment
Enchanted creatures and equipped creatures can’t attack or block.
”Mobility? Darling, if I prioritized mobility, how could anypony appreciate how fabulous you look?”
—Rarity, Bearer of Generosity
Force Sphere 2W
Creature — Wall
Defender
Force Sphere can block any number of creatures.
”I may be studying friendship, but I still need alone time now and again.”
—Twilight Sparkle, Bearer of Magic
0/6
Invasion of Privacy U
Sorcery
Fateseal 1, then draw a card. (To fateseal 1, look at the top card of an opponent’s library. You may put that card on the bottom of that library.)
Whether sinking continents or snooping through saddlebags, siblings rarely respect each other’s boundaries.
Flittering Ponyrazzo 2U
Creature — Pegasus Scout
Flying
Whenever Flittering Ponyrazzo deals combat damage to a player, draw a card.
”Document everything.”
—Diamond Tiara
1/1
Writer’s Block 2U
Sorcery
Target player skips his or her next draw step.
Draw a card.
”Yeah, I got nothing.”
—Bucky, flavor text writer
Young Sophisticate 2U
Creature — Pony Child
Prowess (Whenever you cast a noncreature spell, this creature gets +1/+1 until end of turn.)
Whenever you cast a noncreature spell, you may draw a card. If you do, discard a card.
Age and maturity have nothing to do with one another in Ponyville.
1/1
Sticky Situation 3U
Instant
Tap up to two target creatures. Those creatures don’t untap during their controller’s next untap step.
Flashback 5U (You may cast this card from your graveyard for its flashback cost. Then exile it.)
A coat of hair is sometimes more trouble than it’s worth.
Sensitive Hooves 1B
Enchantment
Whenever a creature becomes the target of a spell or ability, it gets -1/-1 until end of turn.
What’s therapeutic for some is torture for others.
Drive to Tears 1BB
Sorcery
Target player discards a card, then sacrifices a creature.
Some wounds don’t bleed. They don’t need to.
Rejected Submission 2B
Instant
Whenever target player draws a card this turn, that player discards a card.
”You call this dreck a story?”
—Diamond Tiara
Ponyville Hypocrites 3BB
Creature — Pony Rogue
Whenever a permanent an opponent controls becomes the target of a spell you control, you gain 2 life.
Whenever a permanent you control becomes the target of a spell an opponent controls, that player loses 2 life.
3/2
Slanderous Gossip 4B
Sorcery
Each creature gets -X/-X until end of turn, where X is the number of cards in the hand of that creature’s controller.
Anypony can be served up as the latest dish.
Burning Grudge 3RR
Sorcery
Will of the council — Starting with you, each player votes for one of your opponents. Burning Grudge deals 5 damage to each player with the most votes or tied for most votes.
Distrust and loathing can hurt worse than any flame.
Family History 2GG
Sorcery
Choose a creature type. Draw a card for each card of that type in your graveyard.
The Apples go back generations, and every moment has been carefully recorded.
Paper Boat 4
Artifact Creature — Construct
Islandwalk
Paper Boat enters the battlefield with three +1/+1 counters on it.
Whenever an Island enters the battlefield, remove a +1/+1 counter from Paper Boat.
0/0
Printing Press 5
Artifact
3, T, Reveal an instant or sorcery card from your hand: Copy the revealed card. You may cast the copy.
Rapidly reproducing text is one of the biggest steps forward a civilization can take.
Hornflick WU
Instant
Counter target activated or triggered ability. If a permanent’s ability is countered this way, that permanent’s abilities can’t be activated or triggered this turn. (Mana abilities can’t be targeted.)
”It’s a bit like having somepony jab a hoof right in the middle of your brain, then stir.”
—Twilight Sparkle, Bearer of Magic
Painful Dilemma WB
Enchantment
As Painful Dilemma enters the battlefield, name a nonland card.
The named card costs an additional “Pay 5 life” to cast.
”It’s not coercion. You can do whatever you like, and so can I.”
—Diamond Tiara
Papercraft R(wu)
Sorcery
As an additional cost to cast Papercraft, discard X cards.
Return X target artifact cards from your graveyard to your hand.
”I’m sure Twilight Sparkle didn’t need those scrolls.”
—Scootaloo
Public Apology 1GW
Sorcery
Exile target creature. Each player gains life equal to that creature’s toughness.
In Equestria, not only is “I’m sorry and I’ll never do it again” an accepted form of repentance, sometimes it’s actually sincere.
Spa Session 2WU
Enchantment
You may choose not to untap any number of creatures you control during your untap step.
At the beginning of your upkeep, put a +1/+1 counter on each tapped creature you control.
My headcanon is that education normally goes to the eighth grade level, and higher education is only for those ponies whose special talents require additional education. Like Colgate the dentist, I mean Minuette the time mage.
Yes, time is messed up in My Little Pony. They're clearly not in chronological order. I reordered them in some manner that made sense when writing Retirement Blues. The biggest problem I noted: if Hearts and Hooves Day is February 14, then where's the snow?
For the card Spa Treatment, if your intention is to only give the +1/+1 counter to the creatures that stayed in the spa (didn't untap), then you need to reword it to include an intervening if clause. Otherwise, you can tap creatures with the triggered ability on the stack. Of course, as long as you had one creature that started tapped, you could still tap other creatures.
If you're trying to make sense of continuity, I'd place this as being a year after the show started. We already saw a winter episode in season one and a Halloween episode in season two... wait, if they follow the American school year and the episodes are in order that'd be two years... screw it. The episodes are out of order AND this is year 2 of the crusade. Unless you want year 2 to start when Twilight ascends, in which case I throw my hands up.
Actually I want to make a new theory that since ponies fully control the weather they change the season every five weeks or so to keep it from being boring, but Rainbow Dash clearly cites "three months of winter coolness" in the Winter Wrap-Up song. And probably in the tank hibernating episode too.
In any case, I agree with the headcanon that ponies probably stop before High School, and college is definitely only a thing for a few specific professions. Our lengthy education system is based off the dogma (right or wrong) that there are a lot of things every person needs to know to have a fair chance at a good career and life success (and THAT was informed by our desire, at the time, to encourage lots of people to go into the sciences because we thought we'd all be dead if the Russians were better at it than us). When the thing you're going to happily spend the rest of your life doing appears written on your body before you hit 15, that probably wouldn't still be the dogma.
Also, with regards to the "only written on the fur" thing: Now I'm picturing horrible pony parents shaving their child's coat when they get a cutie mark they don't approve of in the insane hopes that it'll grow back different (even though it can't). Thank you for that horrible image.
Flicking a unicorn's horn might just be really distracting. Enough to make them drop something if they weren't paying attention.
Don't be sure about Ceasar's assassination being canon. All that's canon is that the pony equivalent of Shakespeare wrote similar plays. After all, I doubt he actually said that. (It does mean ponies canonically enjoy plays about murder and subterfuge though).
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Tyrannical Editor: Sadly, all the really powerful creatures I can think of. All Eldrazi, Progenitus, Darksteel and Blightsteel Colossus, Withengar... everybody that expensive really needs to either be fancy or have shuffle into your graveyard rules. So I can't imagine Diamond Tiara holding off any of them.
Excessive Accessorizing: Potentially nasty with the right enchantments, and a brutal counter to several deck archetypes.
Invasion of Privacy: Creative, but probably not as useful as Preordain since you don't know what your opponent needs early in the game. Better late in the game though, and Fateseal 2 would be broken at that point.
Drive to Tears: As alternatives to Mind Rot go, this one's actually pretty cool. Less likely to be a dud, but it won't trigger "on discard" effects twice.
Ponyville Hypocrites: I like it. Very New Phyrexia. (And it almost certainly hurts them if they try to kill it).
Slanderous Gossip: Sadly, I don't think the types of decks that have the easiest time reaching 0 cards while the opponent still has half of his have an easy time reaching 5 mana in time for it to be useful.
Burning Grudge: Oh that is cool. I like the way it can only target your opponents. Of course, it's really just a Lava Axe that you can't fully control (but which doesn't technically target), but the politics make it way more fun.
Printing Press: It's a sure sign that Isochron Scepter is overpowered when I see this and don't automatically assume it's junk. Though it's a little too costly to be worth building a deck around.
Painful Dilemma: Very evil. Amusingly combos very well with Coercion (since you know what cards they have), and also stuff like Unsummon.
3306487
And why are the apple trees full of ripe apples?
I've concluded that the holidays in Equestria are not necessarily anywhere near the dates of the earth holidays they are based on: it's another thing that we can move around flexibly in a vain attempt to have the calendar make sense. On that note, Hearth's Warming Eve is not necessarily a midwinter festival at all: it could be the only reason there was snow in Canterlot that day is because the pegasi made it that way for just the holiday, in just the capital city. Therefore we haven't seen any direct proof of a winter between Winter Wrap-Up and Tanks For The Memories.
ETA: Or, since the episodes are also clearly out of order, and I also don't think all of season 1 is before all of season 2 is before all of season 3, this can be the same winter as the one they wrapped up in season 1.
Does "nonwordy" include flavor text?
(Also, was really expecting a reference to Big Mac's sudden verbosity: "Angry Tirade" or something, which would basically nullify an opponent's attack phase. 'Cause MacIntosh on a rant will stop just about anything.)
But they're not going to use the Walt Kelly hypothesis as the basis for the Friendship Report. Doing so would mean looking in the mirror and seeing that their desire to take pleasure in their neighbor's pain was the fuel for the flame. Having a soul full of Schadenfreude is not nice so it's not something nice ponies admit to having. This will eventually come back to haunt them when the CMC figure out what a filthy trick their elders played on them.
There are 10 kinds of
peopleponies in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.3306556 Supposedly there's a ruling on Frazzled Editor (which she's based on) saying flavor text doesn't count. That said, Pygmy Giant seems to emphatically disagree with the "flavor text doesn't count" idea.
Well, Painful Dillemma is getting stolen for Darkest Hour. (You're already in Ahlogis' block's credits.)
Silver-bordered: Tyrannical Editor (This needs a reminder text edit: wordy doesn't count flavor text.)
Slanderous Gossip hits my least favorite bit about Magic rules: It's impossible to easily say that all permanents satisfying X have the following effects applied to them until Y happens unless the set of affected permanents is selected now and can't be added to. (This is true even if X is just ‘is a permanent’.)
It's also impossible to say that all permanents satisfying X as of now have the following effects applied to them until the end of the game.
I wonder if the horn-flicking here is what inspired Estee's backlash.
I rewatched the spa scene, and it doesn't actually look like Rainbow Dash chewed the cucumber slice... but she definitely swallowed it. Forget the magic, there's major ick factor there.
5170418
Definitely. Just about every element of the Triptych Continuum has roots in something from the show. (Sometimes the roots go very deep, but they're there.) This is especially true for the first three seasons.