xjuggernaughtx's Top Down Review #3 - The Three Sisters and What if: Rarity from the Three Sisters met with Chrysalis · 5:10pm Jul 29th, 2015
Ah, the first test of my determination to review things. What if: Rarity from The Three Sisters met with Chrysalis is currently the top ranked story on Fimfiction, but it’s a sequel. I could just read it, but then I might not understand what was going on. It’s hardly fair to rate a story on that. Or I could skip it because it would require me to read the original, which is rank 500th or something in that range.
In the end, I read the original and this sequel. I mean, what happens when I get to those two hundred thousand word stories? I can’t just skip out because they are long, so what’s a few extra thousand words, right?
So since I read both, might as well review them both, as well.
Spoiler free summary
The Three Sisters is a good idea that didn’t receive quite enough time to fully develop. I’d like to see a re-write of it that expanded it to maybe twice its length.
What if: Rarity from The Three Sisters met with Chrysalis
This follow up to The Three Sister has little of the original's charm. It’s even more rushed than the first, with dialogue that actively turned me off to the story as a whole.
Let’s start with the original.
The Three Sisters
Plot and Characterization
Wanderer D lays the foundation for some really great characters here. The three changeling sisters are unique enough from each other to play together in interesting ways. The overall plot he gives to us is definitely one that I find potential in. The Mane Six plus Princess Celestia are also featured from time to time, and their personalities are done well enough that they don’t irritate me.
While the characters have potential, I don’t think that they really fully matured. While they aren’t raw archetypes or anything, for the most part, they tend to be reduced to one thing: Pupa is meek. Chrysalis is uncaring. Cocoon is aloof. It’s not quite that one-note, but they don’t usually stray too often from that.
However, their characterizations left me with questions. Wanderer D gives us some interesting worldbuilding by detailing some of the hive hierarchy and succession laws, but in doing so, he reveals that basically the hive is full of cutthroat changelings… all except for these three. Well, two and a half. Chrysalis has one hoof in the opposite camp. But do the sisters just not understand other changelings? Are the really the only ones with any… humanity? Seems like the wrong word, but I hope you get the point. If it’s just the changeling way to be uncaring and cruel, how did these three get to be the way they are? Genetics? A mutation in the Drizzt Do’Urden allele? I just find it to be too important a detail to just gloss over.
We begin at the finale of the changeling battle in A Canterlot Wedding. Cadence and Shining Armor’s shield has driven out the changelings, but the Mane Five are in for a surprise! One of their own is outed as a changeling. Gasp!
The Rarity changeling is thrown into the dungeon until Twilight comes to interrogate her. We get some back and forth here, and I don’t have too many complaints about their characters. Twilight is understandably skeptical and Rarity is trying her best to explain a situation that is wholly unbelievable. Eventually they get everyone in the cell, along with Princess Celestia, which sounded either like cramped quarters or Equestria has some really spacious prison cells. Probably the latter. Friggin’ nice ponies… Anyway, they want the full rundown, and Rarity obliges. Thus, we get the backstory in chunks with the Mane Five commenting along the way.
About midway through the story, things begin to go a little south for me. The sisters are put into this gem-finding contest by their mother, with the point being to see which of them has the strength to rule the hive. But as Pupa says, she doesn’t have a chance. She can barely shapeshift. So, um… what’s the point? Is the queen just hoping she’ll get killed off? What if she somehow stumbles across a big cache of gems? Does she trot back and win the hive, even though she sucks as a changeling? Why would they go through this exercise?
Weaving into this is the story of Rarity finding her cutie mark at the big, gem-filled rock. After it splits open, an earthquake swallows Rarity and she gets captured by diamond dogs. Pupa is captured, too, because she’s not a very good changeling.
Here we get into something that irritates me with Wanderer D’s writing: It moves too quickly. Rarity and Pupa are captured and about be eaten, but somehow they become fast friends in the, what, three minutes they have together? Yes, they’re thrown together by unfortunate circumstance, but it just feels really rushed and tonally inappropriate for these two fillies. They are in serious trouble, but hardly seem to notice until they are directly told they are to be eaten.
This problem continues with the Mane Five. Twilight starts off as kind of a hardass, but about halfway through the story, everyone just kind of goes, “Oh, yeah, this story makes total sense and probably isn’t made up to trick us into letting the changeling spy go.” They just go with it after a while. I’m sitting here trying to remember if Twilight objects at all once Fluttershy and Pinkie say they believe the changeling. Seems like a land of magic ought to have some kind of verification spell, but there’s no discussion of any such thing.
The resolution to all of this was actually pretty clever, though. I did really like the whole fusion thing that Rarity and Pupa went through. However, it would have meant so much more if the story had been given the time it needed. Instead of being together for ten minutes or whatever before Rarity made this great sacrifice, they could have been captured for months. Slowly bonding until they were inseparable. It wouldn’t need to be covered in exhaustive detail, but it would have been more believable to me.
On the other hand, Rarity was pretty hurt, so what did she have to lose, I guess. Still, the emotion of the thing would have been stronger if I really believed that they had time to truly care for one another.
Technical Things
As I said above, the main issue with this story was that it was rushed in several different regards. In a technical sense, there was more telling going on than I’m comfortable with. Once again, phrases like:
Rarity slumped down in relief.
or
Princess Celestia whispered looking at Rarity with a bit of pity
rub me the wrong way if used too often. It’s fine every once in a while. Sometimes trying to cram a ton of detail in where brevity is called for is the wrong thing, but when it’s the go-to for a story, it feels like the author isn’t trying. For the most part, this story is actually pretty well-written, which is why it’s all the more distressing to see these things fairly regularly. With another edit, it probably could have been done away with and been even more engaging.
Applejack isn’t in the story much, but she does use the singular “y’all” at least once. That really bugs some people. I’m from the South, though, and I’ve heard people use “y’all” in the singular plenty of times. It’s not the norm, of course, and I’d prefer it wasn’t used that way, but it’s not like it’s unheard of.
Another thing that might grate on readers is the use of saidisms. I’m not particularly bothered by them if used moderately and are actually, you know, descriptions of speech. ‘“Well, I don’t know,” Twilight contemplated’ is right out for me, but
“Oh, what a wonderful name!” Rarity squealed. “Will you turn into a beautiful butterfly when you grow up?”
Isn’t a big deal to me. It gets old if it’s every dialogue tag, but once in a while is fine. This story probably uses them more often than I’d like. I mean, it did it enough that I’m noting it here, but it’s not a deal-breaker.
Are you the intended audience?
If you are looking for something reasonably well-written that mixes cute and a little darkness together, this might scratch your itch. Anyone who loves changelings and wants some world building/headcanon would probably enjoy it. Sticklers for detail or deep characterization will probably find this a little unsatisfying, though.
I give it:
Two Titanium Dragons. Dammit. I think TD changed his profile pick a day or two ago. There's a problem I hadn't though of, but one for another day...
Moving on…
What if: Rarity from The Three Sisters met with Chrysalis
Plot and Characterization
This story kind of astounds me. The quality of writing—the actual mechanics of the prose—has improved tremendously from the original story. The first few paragraphs were quite pleasant to read. I was pretty excited about it, to tell you the truth.
Then the actual plot started to unfold, and that feeling evaporated. If there’s one thing that really turns me off to a story, it’s when I can feel the hand of the author behind it as they move things around. This story is basically two thousand words of that. Rarity/Pupa finds a weakened Chrysalis after she’s been ejected from Canterlot by Shining Armor and Princess Cadence. Rarity feeds her a little love, then agrees to escort Chrysalis back to her hive. In the meantime, they talk about this and that.
Right off the bat, I’m irritated with the choices. Rarity decides to stay in Rarity mode, rather than switch back to looking like a changeling. Why? Well, because it’s more engaging for the story, of course! How else would have have all these cryptic back and forths and half-revealed truths? I mean, I get that she’s probably more comfortable in Rarity mode after all these years, but she’s dealing with a hostile queen. Chrysalis might have had more energy than she thought and attacked immediately. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to greet her as a changeling?
Okay, strike one, but no story is perfect. It’s rare that any one thing will sink a story for me, and that’s relatively minor. It just sets me off on this journey with a stumbled rather than a confident stride.
But then we get into the heart of the thing, which is the back and forth between Rarity and Chrysalis. This was the first time in my short career as a reviewer that I actively wanted to put the story down and walk away. It was an amplified version of Rarity and Pupa bonding from the first story, only far less logical.
As Chrysalis recovers, and continuing as they walk to the hive, they talk and share for no particular reason other than exposition. Keep in mind that Chrysalis starts here:
A wicked grin crossed her face as she considered the unicorn in front of her. Chrysalis recognized her now. It was one of Twilight Sparkle’s friends. The dress-maker. She would be perfect feeding material until she reached her lands and then she would be a perfect slave to keep alive and feast upon at her convenience... yes, a delicious provider of sustenance until she drained all of her emotions, one by one and only an empty husk remained.
and twenty paragraphs later, they are here:
The pair sat in silence for a little while.
“What do you intend to do when you get back to the Hive, Chrysalis?” Rarity asked.
Chrysalis looked down. Weakness was punishable by death in the Hive. “I’ll probably have to prove myself stronger than my daughters.”
Rarity’s eyes widened. “Your daughters?! I’m an au- I mean, you’re a mother?!”
Chrysalis nodded. “Does that surprise you, unicorn? A queen needs a brood. And without successors our species would die.”
“No-no,” Rarity shook her head. “I- I just forgot you’re older than me, so... it was slightly shocking.”
Chrysalis chortled, giving Rarity a side-long glance. “Yes, I figure I’m older than you.”
Keep in mind the short nature of those paragraphs. That’s a pretty fast mental shift for the character to be making. Now, if we had a few internal pieces of dialogue where Chrysalis is deciding to string this pony along, then we would be getting somewhere, but as it is presented, it’s unbelievable to me. Chrysalis faces a minor setback when Rarity seems to know what she’s thinking, so she just pouts for a sentence or two, then grudgingly starts to open up, out of… what? Boredom? Curiosity? I don’t really know because we aren’t told. She just kind of goes, “Oh, crap. Looks like this pony knows I’m going to try to eat her. Well, there goes that plan. Might as well pass the time…”
Rarity offers to take Chrysalis back to her hive, and more illogical discussion follows. It’s logical in terms of the topics coming one after the other in a believable sequence, but since I don’t buy the initial setup, none of the rest of the conversation feel properly motivated to me. I can feel the author back there forcing the topics and reactions. We aren’t offered any real reason why any of this sharing is happening, so if comes off as going on because it’s convenient for the plot for it to occur.
Look, I don’t want to get into a spot where I’m dictating how a story has to be written, but when a character deviates from what we’ve seen as their normal behavior, some explanation should occur. If Scootaloo runs into a reformed King Sombra in a meadow, I’d expect Sombra to do something dastardly to her. If he instead decides to have a talk with her about life in the Crystal Empire and what it’s like to grow up being misunderstood, then we have a story that could be either wildly unbelievable or totally engaging. It really matters how it is presented. I need a reason for Sombra to change his behavior, and the more extreme the change, the better that reason has to be. In this story, I don’t really have a good reason at all as to why Chrysalis is just going along with all of this. Yes, she’s weak and hungry, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to be feeling particularly sharing.
And share she does! For example:
Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “My, aren’t you a curious little pony?” she snorted. “If you must know, the next one is Acari. She’s also a good choice, but less so than Arachne. She’s... slower. But given time she can match any of Arachne’s plans. Sometimes she even gets ahead.” she chuckled, then sighed. “Then there’s Phasmi and Thysa. Those two are more concerned with playing pranks than getting anywhere. It’s as if they don’t care that if they fail they’ll be food for the others.” she frowned. “Phasmi is extremely good at shapeshifting. From an early age she was able to change into many forms, but she doesn’t seem to care for power. And Thysa...” Chrysalis shook her head. “When she’s not playing with Phasmi, she’s staring at plants and flowers. She’s useless.”
This is about five sentences down from the last example, so in roughly forty sentences, Chrysalis has gone from conniving and starving, to angry at being stymied, then resigned, and finally this. Look at all this detail! Would you tell your enemy all of this? Apparently Chrysalis would, and she surprisingly unsuspicious about all the probing, knowledgeable questions Rarity asks her. It all just seems so forced.
So as they near the hive, the conversations get more and more revealing until Pupa reveals herself. They part, but agree to keep in touch. And upon reaching the end, I noticed the rather revealing author’s note:
A/N: So... this popped into my head today and wouldn’t leave me alone. So I wrote it. No editors, no double-checking, it’s as it was written. So pardon the lesser quality XD
Surprise, surprise…
Actually, this isn’t a bad first draft at all, but I shouldn’t be reading a first draft. As a final story, sorry, but thumbs down.
Technical Things
As I said above, this writing is definitely more skilled than what is in the original story. Kudos to Wanderer D for upping his game in that regard. If we take away the plot that I’m not buying, and it’s dialogue, I consider this to be a big upgrade. I don’t really have a lot of technical issues to complain about here. My issues are more in the “why are they doing this” department. I saw a few missing commas here and there, but nothing at all major.
Are you the intended audience?
If you really love listening to Chrysalis or Rarity talk, then maybe. I don’t have any particular problem with the way that they were voiced. If you loved the original story and wanted some more, then you might like this. However, if you are a person who doesn’t immediate buy the situation as it is presented, this fic won’t satisfy. I found it to be rushed and overly convenient.
I give it:
One PresentPerfect. That picture feels so apropos.
Yet another one of these I haven't read. Why have I not read all the top-rated stories on this site?
In any case, thanks so much for the review!
3279611 I keep hoping to get to one that I like soon so that I can stop sounding like I'm overly critical. Glad you found the review informative, though. Sun Princess is somewhere near the top, and I do like that story.
3279634
Got my fingers crossed for a handful of Chrises...
Sweet. You read it so I don't have to
3279677 Hold on. There's no way you haven't read these stories. You're on every single comment page that I've ever looked at!
3279680
Lies!
Very great reviews. Lots of detail and tons of useful information for not only the author of the pieces, but for the audience reading as well. Thank you for sharing these two fics and your thoughts on them. I eagerly await more.
3279737 I'm glad that it's proving useful to you. I wonder when I'm on page eight of these drafts if anyone really cares about all this stuff I'm detailing out, so it's nice to see that people are getting something out of it.
Huh. I guess I don't read with as critical an eye as you. Not that that's bad or anything.
3279749 I'm very picky about things. I'll be the first to admit that. Almost anyone reading these reviews should probably add an extra rank or two onto them. However, they reflect how I feel about the story, so that's how they received their ratings.
I do wish sometimes that I was one of the people that just embraced these stories like a lot of readers do. It would be much more pleasant.
3279758 Can I pay you to see you do a drunk review of My Little Dashie?
3279879 I tried to read My Little Dashie once. I think I got about a thousand words in before I walked away. Bleh.
You are incredibly harsh in your reviews. The very best stories, as chosen by the masses, you judge as 2/5 or even 1/5. What do you consider 5/5? Hell, what do you consider 4/5?
3283491 I've never read a pony story that I consider to be a 5/5. I'd have to really think hard about 4/5. Wyrmlysan would probably be a 4/5. I'd need to re-read it, as it's been a while.
And the very best according to the masses is generally not what I would consider the very best at anything. I like the Beatles. Do I consider them the very best? No. I'm not a huge fan of Citizen Kane, which many people would say is the best movie of all time. Budweiser is the top selling beer. It's not good beer.
I'll be the very first person to admit that I'm extremely picky about stories. I want good characters and a tight plot. If I don't get both, that story isn't going to be ranked as anything better than mediocre, and I haven't gotten both yet. Insomnia didn't have a good voice for Celestia. Sunny Skies All Day Long had a characterization issues and borrows way too liberally from the show. The Three Sisters doesn't give its characters enough time to develop and rushes its plot. What if just isn't very good, but is a sequel to an extremely popular story. None of that is going to get more than a 2/5 from me. If on my very first read-through, I can come up with a laundry list of concerns, that's worrisome. I could always be wrong, of course, but so far, I haven't seen a lot of counter-arguments.
And a lot of it is just going to come down to taste.
3283645 What non-pony story would you rate as 5/5 then? If you get to stories I actually like though and start giving them bad reviews, then I'm going to start giving you some counter-arguments. As of now, I haven't invested any emotion in any the stories you've reviewed. In fact, I think for all them so far I had only just read them for the context when reading the review.
3283674 Hmmm. Well, recently I'd probably give Joe Abercrombie's First Law Trilogy at least a 4/5, and probably a 5/5. I enjoyed them whole-heartedly. Well, let's walk that back. I thought the first book was very pedestrian until it was evident that he was setting up well-worn fantasy tropes just to knock them down later on.
I haven't finished the Malazan Book of the Fallen series yet, but I have a feeling that could get a 5/5 for me just for blowing my mind on every other page. The series has definite problems with it, but it's just so insane and different from anything I've read before that I'm much more entertained than annoyed. However, I stopped at the sixth book, I think, because that's the latest one that was available at the time, and that one was significantly worse than the ones before it. Might drag the series down. I need to pick those up again.
As for defending the stories that you love, that's fine with me. I'm as fallible as anyone else. There are plenty of times that I miss vital things or am thinking too narrowly. That's why I generally try to back up my opinions with examples of why I think that. It makes it easier for people to understand how I got my point of view, and also easier for people to say, "No, bonehead, you totally missed the point. It's like this..."
Did you ever tell me you reviewed this? I don't think so... Anyway, thanks for taking a look at them and the suggestions/comments!
3362536 No, I didn't. I've gone back and forth over whether to let people know they are here or not. I don't really want to seem like I'm advertising myself through their user pages/blogs/story comments. I guess I could just PM authors. That didn't occur to me until now.
I hope this was helpful in some way, and I'm sorry that I didn't care for the follow up What If. I did think the mechanics in it was strong, so I'm hoping another story of yours makes it up to where my review field is.