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Jul
22nd
2015

Review: Come Little Children · 2:07pm Jul 22nd, 2015

I love pony fiction. A surprising declaration on a pony fiction fan site, I'm sure, but it's true. So, in the spirit of pony fiction, I thought I would start trying to review, analyse and/or critique some pony stories.
If you have a story you'd like me to review, leave me a comment either on my user page, or through the private messaging service.



Come Little Children is tagged:
Romance, Tragedy, Sad

It features the character tag:
Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Other, OC

Come Little Children was written by Shadewing, and can be found here. Full story spoilers below the cut.


In a library in Canterlot, a pegasus named Shadewing summons the foals for a story, from before the banishment...
Luna, despairing that her Night goes unappreciated by the ponies, comes up with a plan to correct the situation. With the aid of Starswirl the Bearded, Luna find's a spell which will causes ponies to follow the user. With it, she spirit's foal's from their beds, intending to show them the beauty of the night sky.
However, while Luna and the children are playing, celestia learn's of her sister's act, and confronts Starswirl about it. He admits to giving Luna the spell -a dangerous spell, used by an Equestrian criminal- as part of a plan to forestall a prophecy about Nightmare Moon, and because he loves her as his own child.
Celestia and the captain of Luna's guards, Black Night, find and confront Luna, eventually forcing her to return the children... though her own bitterness at the situation is obvious.
Back in the present, Shadewing finishes her story, sending the children away, and leaving Luna to consider Shadewing and her family.

Come Little Children is based upon the animation of the same name, though the motivations for Luna's actions are different; in the animation, the children Luna whisk's away with her are those who have suffered following the reign of Discord, orphans and homeless. The story changes this to being Luna's attempt at fostering a love of the night onto her subjects, and it is one which work's better, in my opinion. The animation is slightly unnerving, because there is something of an "abduction" vibe to it. This concern is addressed in the story -by the parents, and by the spell's origin with "the Piebald Piper"- but, by making it a night-time excursion rather than an attempt at starting a new colony, Luna's retains some more sympathy here.

However... I must hasten to add that it is only some more sympathy. Her plan remain's morally dubious, as is Starswirl's participation in it. To it's credit, the story is aware of this; Starswirl feel's some unease in presenting the spell to Luna, and the parent's concern's are especially valid. However...
To be frank, the connection just didn't work for me. While I can relate to Luna's bitterness -and can even accept her actions as a last-ditch solution - the story present's her as somewhat eager to take this solution to my mind:

“I have it!” She exclaims as her idea takes form. “If I am to show them the wonders of the night, I must lead them out into it, and that’s exactly what I’ll do! And I know just the pony to help me!” She says and flies off to a tower in the corner of the kingdom, after her task of ushering in the night is finished.

However, I do like her bitterness towards the end of the story. While I think the "dark grin and nearly villainous tone" she addres Black Night with is a bit much, her preceeding line is rather beautiful:

"You win once more, Sister.”

The contempt that follow's is extraneous, but this sentance is a perfect summary as to what would drive Luan to become Nightmare Moon and overthrow Celestia, summarizing decades -if not centuries- of bitterness into five words.

I have to admit, while I take some issue with Luna's actions, I rather liked Starswirl's characterization. While his giving the Song to Luna may be misguided, his situation is sympathetic; as he say's, he regards Luna like his own daughter, and is desperate to improve her lot in life. The added danger of the prophecy of "Nightmare Moon" add's more impetus to his actions. While they are irresponsible- and I do feel that the text maybe tries a little hard to defend them- he is sympathetic, as a weary old man trying to do the best for both his children and for the world at large.
Furthermore, I rather like the idea that Starswirl became attached to the Nightmare Moon legend. It goes someway towards explaining why he is so obscure in modern Equestria, fits his "Merlin" vibe by attaching him to events of import, and it introduces the prophecy related to the star's which -while seen in season one- I haven't seen much of since. the idea that astronomy is related to fortune telling in Equestria is interesting to me, and I quite like it.

While Celestia appears -and has a minor role- I don't feel the story add's much to her characterization. It doesn't drag her through the mud to make Luna sympathetic, which immediately make's me somewhat better inclined towards this story. While Starswirl does accuse Celestia of thinking herself more perfect than she is, this is the younger Celestia, from before the Nightmare Moon incident and her thousand-year reign of Equestria, both of which are major events that shaped her irrevocably. I appreciate that the story didn't present Celestia as being actively against Luna; when she hears what she has done, she first think's it is impossible, then interrogates Starswirl about it, with the tone indicating she hold's him more responsible for it than Luna.
It isn't a perfect characterization - I would prefer if Celestia had more of a role in the finale, for instance- but Celestia as an Enforcer of the Peace rather than a Mediator isn't an egregiously out of character interpretation of a Young Celestia... and, frankly, anytime Celestia appears in a Luna-focused story and does more than rub her hooves together menacingly is a win for me.

With Celestia and Luna's growing distance, and Starswirl too inform, the mediation in the climax falls upon Black Night and...
He's fine.
I'm... afraid there isn't really very much more for me to say than that. To be frank, the character didn't stand out very much to me. he was a guard pony. He loved Luna. His role in the climax is fitting -with Celestia and Luna's relationship deteriorating, it take's one of her personal guards to get through to her; his plea's that they will "reclaim the Night" take on a haunting meaning when one consider's Nightmare Moon- but the character himself... didn't really stand out to me. For much of the story, it felt like he was there, either as a romantic option for Luna -borne out by the ending, and by her pining for him after a thousand years- or as the everypony observer to ask questions. He fit's that role well- the audience is likely to be sympathetic towards Luna to begin with- but... as I say, he just didn't stand out to me. Personally, I feel like the story would have been stronger if his romance angle had been removed, focusing more on the tragedy of watching one's beloved Princess falling to pieces.
(Not to mention it add's a shade of nepotism to Shadewing's story, considering her relationship to him.)

I'll be blunt; my main contention with this story is the prose. It's written in the present tense -and I must take a moment of bewilderment that the tense I dislike the most is the one I seem to review most often- but the tense is maintained throughout, and there was no points which particularly stood out to me for breaking tense.
The description itself is also, largely, fine, though in my mind a little sparse -at least in the sections surrounding the song. I feel like there is a little too much emphasis placed on pony appearances -the coat and mane colors seem to be mentioned rather often- but during the flight sequence, the description does a good job of capturing the wonder and magic of the moment. Similarly, the opening scene captures the magic of the candle's flame and it story-telling quite well.

However... the narration feel's off for some reason. Despite the present tense, I don't feel immersed in the action; it feel's oddly detached, with an emphasis on telling, rather than showing. Small line's such as this:

“No, I shall not falter, this is my task.” She says, dropping the royal we, since she’s addressing only herself.

“I just… need to remind them of why the night should be celebrated…” She muses to herself her mind going through all the possibilities of what she could do to remind the ponies to love the night, and that is when inspiration strikes.

take me out of the story; it's unnecessary to be told, as we can clearly see it; at the very least, the sentences could be rewritten or re-worded It's also a recurring grammatical error when it comes to dialogue:

“Oh, Oh yes my princess. I am here as I always am!” says the voice of an older male unicorn

“Yes! Yes, that is exactly what I want!” She says

“A-Are you sure Ce… er… Princess Celestia?” He asks

Given that there is a significant amount of dialogue in this story, the persistent issue with capitalization for "he said, she said" type things is a little distracting- as is the emphasis on "asking", "exclaiming", and so forth rather than merely saying something.

The voice is also another thing which can be a little... odd. While I did like the characterization and presentation of Starswirl, I felt it was somewhat inconsistent in other places. For instance; despite being set a thousand years ago, the character speak with (largely) modern speech patterns, occasionally dropping "thou" into things. On the other hand, at one point, one of the foal's describes the flight as being "so groovy".
While I like that the royals and the peasant's have different vernacular's... the difference between 12th century nobility and 60's hippie seem's a tad extreme. Had the story been rendered in full "modern" speech, I would have accepted it as just a translation being made for the foals... but the peppering of "Royal" words distracts me from that.

The pacing also strike's me as a little strange, almost rushing through the points of the story (though I admit, this might be a personal bias).

Finally... the story frame. By and large, I don't mind that kind of framing device; as I said, I rather liked the description of the candle-lit storytelling, and the shadows dancing on the walls. However...
I don't feel it is a frame which work's for this story. The meat of the tale -the Luna/Celestia stuff- read's as being told in-universe, rather than a storyteller's interpretation. While Shadewing may be changing things -she is shown to have sympathetic ties to Luna, after all- that really wasn't the impression I got from the piece. As a result, whenever the foal's interrupted to question something, it took me out of the story as well. The closing sentiment with Luna is fine -in fact, Luna herself suggests that what we just read isn't *quite* the truth- but I don't think that sentiment was borne out in the story itself. I think it would be more effective if the story was told entirely from Shade's point of view and bias, or else solely as an in-universe tale- either way, the amount of foal interruptions should be reduced.

I have to admit, I have some conflicting thoughts on this story. It has potential, and some interesting idea's... but I also found it a little rough around the edges.

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