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Titanium Dragon


TD writes and reviews pony fanfiction, and has a serious RariJack addiction. Send help and/or ponies.

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Jul
21st
2015

Read It Later Reviews #22 – Three Nights, Adagio’s Codetta, No! Not the Tickle Monster!, Starvation, The Equestria Games: Flight of the Pegasi · 7:20pm Jul 21st, 2015

A couple weeks ago, Prak invited me to join The Royal Guard, a group whose purpose is to highlight good stories on the site, but which has not made a site post in quite some time. They were being reorganized, and Prak was looking for people with reviewing experience to drag onto the team.

Naturally, I got drafted.

Today’s stories feature four stories from the Royal Guard’s queue of stories to be evaluated, each of which gets evaluated by at least two if not three reviewers. We need at least two reviewers to agree on the placement of any story – I’m not the final word on any story I review either way, unless someone else reviewed the story before I did (in which case, you would have already gotten a PM from someone).

The last story, Three Nights, is something I had been meaning to read ever since it first came out, but which somehow kept slipping through the cracks. Today, I'm fixing that.

Today’s stories:

Three Nights by Bradel
Adagio’s Codetta by Majin Syeekoh
No! Not the Tickle Monster! by superpony55
Starvation by Cloud Hop
The Equestria Games: Flight of the Pegasi by Cerulean Voice


Three Nights
by Bradel

Slice of Life
18,539 words

Hearth's Warming Eve is supposed to be a happy event—Cadance knows this, but all she ever feels is lonely. Now, with Shining Armor gone and a freak snowstorm battering her kingdom, it's up to Cadance to salvage the holiday and teach her crystal ponies to care for one another.

A story about finding your family, on the coldest night of the year.

Why I added it: Bradel is a good writer, and I read the first two chapters when they came out and was very impressed with them.

Review
Three Nights is the story of three Hearth’s Warming Eves, three important days in Cadance’s life. The first is the day she was found in the cold by her adoptive parents, lost and alone. The second is the night she first babysits for Twilight Sparkle – and the night she first meets Shining Armor. The third, and by far the longest, is the story of Cadance’s first Hearth’s Warming Eve in the Crystal Empire.

The stories get progressively stronger as it goes on. The first captures the point of view of Cadance as a very young foal – someone who doesn’t quite understand what is going on, simply that she is alone, lost, cold, and hungry. She doesn’t even understand words, not yet. It is a neat little vignette, but it sets up for the other two.

The second one captures Cadance’s first Hearth’s Warming Eve in Canterlot. Her first Hearth Warming without her adoptive parents, Cadance doesn’t really feel like she has anywhere to be, and thus is willing to foalsit for Twilight Sparkle, apparently a young little terror who chases off other baby sitters and who is afraid of her own magic.

The third one is about another lonely Hearth’s Warming in the Crystal Empire, with the trains blocked by snow, and Cadance having to figure out what to do with herself in a land which doesn’t even really understand what Hearth’s Warming is. This third chapter gives live to a number of OC crystal ponies, but ultimately the story is focused on Cadance herself, which is fitting – despite Cadance’s efforts to spread Hearth’s Warming cheer as she should be, to fill up the void inside, she really just wants to be surrounded by her family, by Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor, and the others who love her, and despite her bringing cheer to the crystal ponies, she’s still fundamentally lonely.

The greatest strength of this story is Cadance. She gets an enormous amount of excellent characterization across the three stories, and the story played her pathos very well, showing her struggle to do right by others and herself.

This is a great little set of Christmas Hearth’s Warming stories, all tied together by a neat little central theme of spending time at the holidays with family, and while melancholic at times, it ends exactly how you want a Christmas story like this to end.

Recommendation: Highly Recommended.


Adagio’s Codetta
by Majin Syeekoh

Dark, Human
2,613 words

After the Battle of the Bands fiasco, Adagio has to live with the shame of losing all of the sirens' powers.

The problem is... she's not sure that she can.

Why I added it: The Royal Guard queue.

Review
Retreating to their hotel room after their battle in the battle of the bands, the three sirens have a drink while Sonata and Aria bicker over who was at fault for their failure. But Adagio knows the truth – it was her fault, and it is her responsibility to figure things out.

But when Sonata starts getting hungry, the fact that they might not still be sirens – that they might have been reduced to being human – begins to sink in, and Adagio realizes that there is one way out of the predicament she put them into…

This story was technically competent, but the emotions of the characters fell very flat to me; most importantly, I never really bought into Adagio’s mood throughout the story, which made her “solution” to the problem have no real emotional impact on me at all. A story like this has to impact the reader, has to make them want the character not to try and take the easy way out, but I just never cared about Adagio’s wellbeing at any point during the story. There were some okay ideas in there, some hints of greater things, but the story never forged an emotional connection with me, and thus, I didn’t really end up caring.

Recommendation: Not Recommended.


No! Not the Tickle Monster!
by superpony55

Comedy, Slice of Life, Fluff
1,121 words

The tickle monster is chasing Twily! What will she do?

Note- this takes place on Hearth's Warming, but that's not the main theme. Read it any time of year! Happy Hearth's Warming!

Why I added it: The Royal Guard queue.

Review
Shining Armor chases Twilight around while threatening to tickle her, and her family later joins in on the antics.

A pure fluff piece told from the perspective of filly Twilight, this story didn’t really have much substance to it. Young Twilight didn’t really come through as being consistently very Twilightesque to me, nor did Shining Armor come through very strongly to me as Shining Armor, but in the end, my real issue with this story was just that it didn’t give me any warm fuzzies the way that a fluff piece should. Without an emotional connection to the action in the piece, and without much else beyond that, it didn’t really do it for me.

Recommendation: Not Recommended.


Starvation
by Cloud Hop

Tragedy, Sad
1,225 words

There is no more love.

There is no more queen.

There are only the silent echoes of a dying hive, as a lonely changeling, cut off from the hivemind, ponders the fate that has befallen his brethren.

Why I added it: The Royal Guard queue.

Review
With Chrysalis dead and all the changelings assigned to collect emotions for the hive missing, the changelings who stayed home are slowly starving to death. Determined to at least see the sun one last time, the last few stragglers struggle to the entrance of their hive to see the world outside before they perish.

This is one of those stories which really is more about delivering an emotion than anything else. While well-written, the story only really gets any sort of emotional connection with the reader towards the end, at which point the story is essentially over; it is short and it does what it is trying to do, but it isn’t exactly shooting for the moon.

The story isn’t bad, but there just isn’t that much there. It did what it was trying to do, and painted a little scene, but I was left without any greater feeling of why this exists other than to try and make the reader feel sad.

Recommendation: Not Recommended unless you really like melancholic little scenes.


The Equestria Games: Flight of the Pegasi
by Cerulean Voice

Slice of Life, Alternate Universe
13,564 words

Having qualified for the Aerial Relay event, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Bulk Biceps and their friends travel to the Crystal Empire to participate in the Equestria Games alongside four other teams. Honour, glory and gold are at stake as the ponies prepare to take up their positions. But after Rainbow Dash accidentally bumps into an old acquaintance before the performance, strange things begin to happen.

What unseen trials will the trio of teammates face on the event grounds and skies? Which threatening series of events will occur involving the audience and Rainbow's friends? And what was that barely-discernible streak of brown high up in the clouds? Most importantly, what is the ultimate motive behind these seemingly unrelated incidents?

Originally written before the airing of "Equestria Games." Beautiful artwork by SynCallio.

Why I added it: The Royal Guard queue.

Review
A multi-threaded story, this story is an AU take on the ring relay at the Equestria Games, changing it into a very strange competition which is less of an athletic event and more of a test of a broad variety of things – apparently, without the knowledge of the competitors. A secondary plot thread of a stolen cart full of bits distracts Twilight and the rest of her friends while the race is going on, while a tertiary plot of Lightning Dust plotting to cheat during the competition underlies the rest of it.

I edited another story for CV some time ago, and looking at this – one of his earlier stories – it is obvious that he has learned a lot since then. Still, that knowledge didn’t really make this story any more enjoyable to read; it was a mess. But hopefully an educational one.

The story has extremely jerky pacing. It starts out with us seeing the start of the race, then jumps back to before the race, with Rainbow Dash looking for Rarity to make some last-minute adjustments to Bulk Biceps’ suit before running into Lightning Dust. We then jump to Applejack and Golden Harvest selling their goods in the stands, then the Royal Box with the princesses, Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie. Indeed, it takes until the third chapter for the race to even start, despite the very beginning of the story being set immediately prior to the race – and while we had a bunch of stuff in between those two points, little of it was very interesting or seemingly important. We have weird stuff like conversations in the middle of the race, as well as the obstacles changing or being enhanced for no apparent reason – or, in some cases, for articulated reasons which just make no sense. There’s a secondary storyline, of Golden Harvest’s cart being stolen, and the whole thing just comes off as being very awkward and random, like a bunch of ideas were sort of tossed in together and shaken up.

The thing is, while interwoven storylines can work, you don’t want to jump too much from character to character. This story cuts between multiple points of view in almost every chapter, and has at least one scene transition per chapter. Given that the story is broken up into 8 or so chapters, this leads to any given scene seldom lasting even a thousand words, giving us little chance to settle in with one character before we’re pulled away to something else.

This story also makes some strange choices in its prose. For instance:

At the mention of the two element-bearers, the stadium exploded into a crazed frenzy of cheers. Bulk bellowed out a thundering “Yeeaaahhhh!” as he flexed his exuberant muscles and snorted; Fluttershy politely waved to the audience, her new, shorter-styled mane now failing to cover half of her face as it used to. Rainbow, however, lapped up the attention like a starving changeling, punching the air as she absorbed the crowd’s great enthusiasm. She glanced over at the royal chamber next to the commentary box, where her friends were seated next to all four princesses of Equestria. She caught Twilight’s eye and gave her a wink.

Describing muscles as being exuberant is just strange. This sentence also has an example of a semicolon which, while not wrong, probably should have been a period. The ending of the paragraph is also a bit ambiguous as to Twilight’s location. This gets all the more confusing in the next chapter, when we find out that Applejack isn’t anywhere near the rest of her friends.

Another example:

Fluttershy watched Dizzy’s ring evade her fellow competitor for a moment before she remembered about her own. Oops. Changing direction, she pursued her own fluffy nimbus as it made again to flee from its butter-yellow predator.

The bit in the royal box also felt very telly, and is a good example of why trying to fit descriptions into dialogue is often awkward:

She turned back to the sky and “ooooh”ed as the Wonderbolts pulled up from their dive, barely inches from the ground. Back up into the air they shot, amidst the crowd’s hyperactive cheering. Separating high above, each Wonderbolt peeled away from one another and zoomed through the air in a particular pattern. When they had finished, the letters ‘E’ ‘q’ and ‘G’ were visible in the form of smoky cloud trails.

“Well, not the most elegant performance I’ve seen from them, but impressive all the same.” Rarity turned to Twilight. “Then again, it’s probably because their top three are competing. Oh, I do hope Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy aren’t freaking out down there.”

“Fear not, fair Rarity. Your friends are quite calm and collected.”

Princess Luna's smooth, regal tone drew Rarity's attention. “In fact, we ourselves are quite amazed at Fluttershy’s resolve out there. Why, she looks ready to take on the world! We adore her new manestyle, too.”

Twilight nodded. “I’m so proud of her. She’s trained super-hard for this day. Come to think of it, maybe even harder than Rainbow Dash! I’m just wondering how Bulk Biceps is gonna go with those rings.” Her smile drooped, replaced with a contemplative frown. “I know we managed to convince the officials to give him larger ones but he’ll still need to fly with absolute precision to make it through them cleanly.”

We have a bunch of characters talking about other characters pretty directly, more or less describing what they’re seeing… which, in the end, is both kind of awkward and isn’t really any more interesting than the text itself doing so, especially given that none of them have anything particularly interesting to say or add. Their dialogue does nothing to really advance the plot, nor does it really aid in their characterization in any real way. And indeed, it is very telly – it is, effectively, telling the audience how to feel about what is going on, rather than showing us the events and letting us draw our own conclusions.

Recommendation: Not Recommended


Summary
Three Nights by Bradel
Highly Recommended

Adagio’s Codetta by Majin Syeekoh
Not Recommended

No! Not the Tickle Monster! by superpony55
Not Recommended

Starvation by Cloud Hop
Not Recommended

The Equestria Games: Flight of the Pegasi by Cerulean Voice
Not Recommended

I hope there was something to be gleaned from these reviews, and I really hope that you folks enjoy Three Nights – it is a kind of melancholic piece at times, but it is really quite good, even if it is not quite seasonal in July.

Number of stories still listed as Read It Later – Important: 71

Number of stories still listed as Read It Later – High Priority: 300

Number of stories listed as Read It Later: 1618

Comments ( 18 )
Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

At least you didn't downvote it.

3258193
I only downvote about half the stuff I NR.

Not that's more like it. I was so taken aback by yesterday's reviews I couldn't even figure out how to respond.

3258261
Well, when I take all my stories from a list of stories I have previously marked as HR, but never done any actual review on them... it makes it a bit easier to have nothing but a bunch of HRs. :raritywink:

Just so no one gets confused (esp authors with items in TRG queue), should we read your Rec/Not rec as your personal recommendation only, or as your 'vote' on that story as a TRG judge as well?

3258405
Anything I Recommend is pretty much going to be passed by me as a prereader; the only reason I wouldn't would be if there was some significant issue, but even then it would probably be a conditional approval (i.e. I would be like "if you fix X I will approve your story"). I can't imagine there'd be anything I'd Highly Recommend that I wouldn't pass as a prereader.

Something at the Worth Reading level has a decent chance to be a pass unless it has other issues which matter less in terms of personal recommendations but which matter more for the guard (for example, I gave Open to Interpretation a Worth Reading, but it has significant enough issues that I would reject it as a Royal Guard story, though that would probably be more of a "reject and urge the person to fix the issues and resubmit" than a "you should take this as a learning experience for future works"), though some of these might not make it in as well if they failed to make me enthusiastic enough to really say "Yes, this belongs in a site post".

I can't think of any scenario in which I would NR a story and not reject it from the Royal Guard. The Royal Guard requires, beyond everything else, that we actually like the story - Prak decided that we won't pass stories for mere technical adequacy, we have to actively think that the story is, on some level, something that we would want to share with other people. If I wouldn't be like "Hey, this is a pretty decent story", it isn't something I could really put up for the guard. That doesn't mean it won't pass according to other people, though. So if you can't convince at least 2/3 guards to like your story, it won't get in, even if there's nothing technically "wrong" with it - it has to go beyond not doing anything wrong, into doing things right.

Note that just because I like or dislike a story doesn't mean that it will be accepted or rejected; I have been outvoted on one story already (ironically, it was a story I actually passed). And all rejections are subject to appeal to Prak (or, if Prak is one of the prereaders on the story, someone else, though I forget who "someone else" is; it might just be whoever Prak feels like). And of course, if someone thinks I am wrong about their story, they're free to tell me why Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade is actually the best character of all time. And you are free to ask me questions regardless.

When someone gets a rejection notice from the Royal Guard, we note the issues we took with the story. We will also sometimes say "we'll approve this story if you can fix some stuff", akin to Equestria Daily sending something to Mars - if something has major issues, it will be rejected with a note of what to fix before resubmitting it, even if we think it could eventually be made to pass. Other stories are probably irreparable, but we do try to give feedback on what is wrong with a story, so at least they know.

If you DO get a notice from me one way or another, it is because at least one other person voted the same way that I did (and possibly two, in some cases). No one person is ever the final word on a story unless it either has major spelling/grammar issues (this is called a "mechanical failure", and will result in a rejection without a second opinion being necessary, because we simply cannot accept anything with speling lik tis) or if the story has been cancelled or is on hiatus (we don't feature such stories, though if you do update a story we rejected for such a reason, you are free to resubmit it).

If you haven't received a PM yet, then a final decision has not yet been reached on your story.

Also note: if I ever recommend a story of yours, and you haven't submitted it to the Royal Guard, you probably should. :V

Three Nights looks awesome, and perfectly seasonal for Christmas in July! Definitely adding that to my Read Later.

Ah, I was wondering whether they lost my submission from like, March or not. Seems it was just a case of restructuring and organizing. I hope..

Good for you! No-so-good for anticipating TRG entrants :V Beware of the dragon, for he thinks your fanfics are crunchy and tasty with ketchup! The overall effect is something akin to electrifying the Berlin Wall :B

You've gotta have a good connect with Pampered Chef, all those pans you're ruining must cost a fortune :V

3258716
The overall approval rate for TRG stories right now is 18%.

I'm not sure if I'm the one you need to be scared of. :pinkiecrazy:

3258727
Okay.

Okay.

So, Berlin Wall, lined with razorblades, and electrified.


:rainbowderp:

3258466 Thank you for the detailed response. You certainly didn't have to go to all of that trouble.

What you described is pretty much in line with my initial assumption, but I thought I should ask anyway, since we all know how assumptions usually turn out. :pinkiecrazy: (and at least this way there shouldn't be any confusion for those who read your review posts)

And of course, congratulations on joining the guard! :)

How do you read these stories so quickly?

Do people keep submitting my stories to the Royal Guard or something? Because you keep reviewing my stories and you never like any of them :fluttercry:

3258727
But given even odds and the fact two pre-readers must agree on said story, would that not make the expected approval rate a scant 50%*50%=25%? And, of course, given Sturgeon's Law, 10%*10% = 1%, so one could argue you are being 18 times too lenient :pinkiecrazy:

Independence assumption? I think that's a state in Missouri.

3258887
I only joined the guard a couple weeks ago; this is the only story of yours I've read while a member of the guard.

It is also the only story of yours in our queue list. It says you submitted it 11/29/2014 19:14:46, or uh... 8 months ago or so.

At least I hope you submitted it; it is against the rules for anyone to submit anyone else's story.

3258935
Well, by the looks of things we're following the 20/80 rule. :trixieshiftright:

Somewhere in the realm of 80-90% of our decisions are unanimous. I'm not sure if that's a good sign or a bad sign, though.

3258843
I can read a 20,000 word story in an hour or so. All these stories combined is less than two hours of reading for me, plus however long it takes me to write up 3k words worth of review, which is probably another hour or so.

So... I spent about three hours producing this, maybe? Ish?

3258954

I'm pretty sure I never submitted it to they royal guard, but then again, 8 months is a long time, so maybe I just forgot. :derpyderp1:

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