CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #3 — Lies to Foals · 12:37am Jul 19th, 2015
I'm never quite sure how to feel about giving critique on stories that were written a fairly long time ago. One hopes that the writer has improved since then, and it makes the advice less valuable to them. Conveniently, now that I do blogs instead of story comments, this is less of an issue. It means that other people can learn from the critique as well as the author (in theory, anyway), and thus makes such late advice have more value than it might otherwise.
Title: Lies to Foals
Author: Golden Vision
Short summary: Sweetie Belle fails an audition, so Rarity gives her a pep talk/life lesson. Commentary on cutie mark mechanics as well as meta-commentary about entitlement.
Genres: Slice of Life, Aesop Delivery, Sibling Feels
What does this story do well?: This story’s foremost strength is the lesson and themes it delivers. The idea that Sweetie thinks her cutie mark gives her a free ride, compared to the reality that Rarity explains to her, is a poignant contrast. There is some wonky dialogue, but Rarity and Sweetie are both reasonably in-character. The conflict is very low-key, but that actually works to its advantage; it’s believable instead of overblown.
It also has applicability. I’ve often said that FIM attracts wish fulfillment because of how enticing having a free special talent is. The story’s moral works in the context of the show’s universe, because it is in character for Sweetie to make that assumption. It works in the context of the fandom, because many fans treat cutie marks the same way Sweetie Belle does. It works in the context of real life, because even without cutie marks people often make that same mistake of entitlement and overestimating their own skills.
Where could this story improve?: The story has many times where actions and speakers are described in unclear terms. Paragraphing and subject identification are consistent problems throughout the story. Obviously with a story this slow it’s not a severe distraction, but it does ruin the mood. Some examples;
She squeezed her eyes shut, though Rarity noticed that she didn't remove her hoof from hers.
After a moment, Sweetie Belle thumped onto the ground beside her and followed Rarity back into her room.
"No, don't feel bad," she said. She gave Sweetie a grin, who currently had a hoof over her mouth and a mirthful look in her eyes.
There’s also a fair bit of typos and wonky formatting. Perhaps by itself this would not be a big deal, but taken with the above, it makes the story harder to read. The use of hyphens instead of dashes is at least consistent, if not correct. The story switches between curly quotes and vertical quotes often; usually a result of typing something in multiple programs and not proofing it properly afterward. There's a few points where the curly quotes are backwards, due to interacting with a hyphen improperly. While some of the extra paragraphs are obviously for emphasis, I’d question if they add much.
This story’s foremost problem is the way it chooses to describe things. There’s a lot of time spent on different aspects of the china, or the décor, or other ancillary details. While it does break up all the dialogue, it makes the story moves very slowly. It also violates the Law of Conservation of Detail. While sometimes the narrative filigree is relevant to characters and their emotions, most of the time it just seems to be there to avoid having huge swaths of dialogue. Most of it is not particularly engaging, since it impedes the story’s forward progression.
In a single sentence: A nice theme/moral, but the execution is very plodding and unimpressive.
Verdict: No vote. This is one of those stories that is what I call “aggressively average”; its standout qualities are drowned out by its execution. I think that if the narration was streamlined, if the story focused more clearly on its characters instead of the china they were using, then it could be a poignant feels/aesop vehicle. As-is, I think its moral eclipses the story that delivers it.
