Back from the dead. And with a story, too!

Okay, so maybe the part where I flew a jet into a ball of super-energetic plasma was a bit exaggerated, but that's not why I'm here.

I'm looking for a talented pre-reader for my story Psychopomp. It's a nice, wordy one-shot to the tune of 9500 words give or take a hundred. So, if long stories aren't your cup of tea, continue no further and find another story with more manageable bites to chew.

As for the premise, it's about a stallion who escorts recently deceased life forces to their proper afterlife (because murderers don't belong in the Great Pasture, right?). It's primarily a sad/tragic tale, but there are darker elements to it. There is a scene involving the execution of a convicted murderer by lethal injection, but you won't have to worry about blood or gore. Also, a major character gets the axe (it's a metaphor, okay!) at the end of the story. Who, you ask? Read and find out! Finally, the story is told in the first person. Again, if these sort of genres or scenes turn you off, don't waste your time with this drivel and go find some pathetic crossover or HiE story to polish.

Now, for the concerns I have.
1) That major character I was talking about back there? I'd like to have some better foreshadowing leading up to his/her/its death (Which one? Which one?).
2) I feel like I repeat patterns to often, such as <sentence> as I <sentence> or <adjective> <noun>. I'd like to liven it up a little.
3) My showing feels a little dry at times. I don't think I outright "tell", but I feel like some scenes could have a little more pizzazz.
With these areas of focus, I would rather have someone with experience hop on board. I don't need a spellchecker nor a grammar checker. I need someone who knows how to add color and depth to a flat, black-and-white hodgepodge of words. If this doesn't describe you, there are other stories (if you dare call them that) that you could help out more.

Finally, though my story is sad and dreary, I don't want my prereader to be the same. I like to share a good laugh. If you are a emotionless stick-in-the-mud, go to the closest densely-populated area from where you live, do the Chicken Dance in full view of the public, and then get back to me. You will be worthy then. Bonus points for a youtube clip.

Whew! I think that about covers it. For those that decide to decline the offer, I apologize for wasting three precious minutes of your time. Well, unless you didn't stop reading when you knew this wouldn't be for you. Then it's your fault. However, if you choose to accept this mission, please PM me. That's probably the only way I'll hear from you.

Cheers, mates!

-p