Fanfic Reviews – Adventure Edition · 3:46am Jul 5th, 2015
Happy 4th of July, you american folk! Since we had such a strong episode today, and balloon party released their compilation album for Best Pony, why don't I round it up with my stronger review set since, if memory serves me, the finalists of the first Most Dangerous Game? Below you will find:
Keeper of the Crystal Heart
Diamond Eyes
Friendship is Optimal: Always Say No
My Little Economy: Economics is Science
It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door
Riverdream at Sunset: a Manuscript
As a reminder, scores are on a 0~10 scale, with 3 being a perfectly mediocre fanfic, and 8 being where I can say I actually like a story.
Cerulean Voice – Keeper of the Crystal Heart – Adventure
The birth of the Crystal Kingdom, and how Celestia and Luna returned to power.
This fic is a sequel to These Flowers Never Bloom (reviewed here), and takes place in the same continuity. Still, it works perfectly well as a stand-alone story. There is enough of a timeskip to make it its own thing, and while the call-backs are welcome and interesting, they are more in the spirit of reference than anything else. It even goes to great lengths to reintroduce the elements from that earlier fic.
And, just like These Flowers, it is clear that this is an early effort. There is some definite improvement over the first one, but it is still pretty crude. It is hard to point to a single thing, but other than general editing, there are multiple instances of telly narration, weird word choices, and thesaurus abuse. Characterization is another issue, and while it's fairly solid, it does suffer from some spotty moments. Sure, their actions are constantly well thought out and believable, and each one has a distinct personality, but the way that all the characters speak seems to follow something of a pattern. CV has a way of writing these impressive, larger than life characters. And while that is fine for, say, Celestia, it hurts the story when applied to younger characters or the general public. In fact, that seems a constant in his fics, even nowadays.
And talking about issues, it mention a "purple-amd-green" dragon at one point, which is an unforgivable mistake. Green is clearly a nvidea thing.
Anyway, for all its irksome points and editing-related issues, it is still a fun story full of nice scenes and cool set pieces. The world building certainly stands out, and while it isn't as fresh and creative as the first fic, it more than makes up for that in how well it integrates with the story. Not to spoil much, but it puts as part of a single event:
1-) The establishment of the Crystal Kingdom
2-) The reinstatement of Celestia and Luna to the throne in post-unification Equestria
3-) Changelings as a threat to Equestria
4-) The appearance of the elements of harmony.
For managing to have so much in a single story, and not have that affect the pacing, it deserves to be commended. All in all, this is a fun read with many memorable moments, but that is held back by multiple issues.
Why it should be read: For a fun adventure with interesting world building.
Stand out moment: When she is captured by the Changelings, there is a Celestia dream sequence that looks just like a cheesy Woona Slice of Life from Season 1, and I love that.
7/10
Cerulean Voice – Diamond Eyes – Adventure
Snowblinddrop and Luna go on an adventure.
I am not a fan of Snowdrop. Still, when this was posted, I added it to my RiL precisely because it seemed like it could be an interesting take on the character. In a way, this fic delivers in that regard, since she isn't portrayed in the usual "perfect little poor filly" as seems to be the rule. However, she goes a bit too much on the other direction, sounding over dramatic, and never really sounding like a child – see my observations on CV's character writing on the previous review, they still apply here.
But really, this fic is a highly competent Snowdrop story, managing to work very well with SFS's canon, even going so far as to integrate "Fall of the crystal empire" with Snowdrop in an ingenious way. It is a very solid story, with an interesting conflict, and a great justification for a blind filly to be the one capable of helping. Even better, there is a very clever interplay between the three main characters' issues. The way they contrast and complement each other was one of the stand-outs of the fic.
However, while this is a solid story, it is plagued by some issues. It feels overly long, with some significant pacing issues in the middle stretch. Even then, it also feels somehow incomplete, ending too abruptly. Not that the conflicts aren't solved, but it cuts off in a weird way. I know that some of that is explained by the connections to SFS canon, but even accounting for that the ending leaves just too much in the air, a bunch of unexplored things that made it look a little bit rushed. Part of that is related to the lack of a grander thematic link, but a bunch of character conflicts are more-or-less sidelined. Still, this is a well written, captivating little tale, and while I can't say it is a must-read, it is certainly a good fic.
Why it should be read: For people looking for a fanfic that knows how to use Snowdrop well.
Stand out moment: The whole idea of Luna allowing Snowdrop to see through her eyes was just perfect. Their whole interplay would fit in this category, but that was the crowning achievement.
7/10
Defoloce – Friendship is Optimal: Always Say No – Sci-Fi
At the end of the world, a lone man needs to help others.
This fic is the ultimate proof that we don't live in the best of all possible worlds. Were that the case, the Cohen brothers would have already bought the rights to adapt this fic to a 13-episode TV series, or at least a movie. I am kidding, of course, but the atmosphere, moral relativism, and sharp shockful moments really remind me of that style of storytelling – at least considering their more serious output.
This is the kind of fic that shows the author's care in every little thing. Often I am sure that Defoloce, at the very least, took the time to check around Google Maps to see what kind of sights the character would see when going that way – that, or maybe even first hand experience with driving around the area. But I do want the Google thing to be true, as it feels interesting for someone to write about an all knowing digital entity taking over the world using an almost-all knowing digital entity that has taken over the world. In this same line of reasoning, it is a fic that uses lingo very well when establishing characterizations.
If it looks like I'm stalling to talk about this fic, it's because I am having a very hard time to not just gush about every single thing. It is a fantastic story, and even if it isn't perfect, its issues aren`t pervasive, and at times even improve the reading experience. For instance, the rescues and their situations, particularly early on, often feel quite contrived, almost staged, but that also makes them mirror how CelestiAI would create quests in her world.
For all that, Greg is a fantastic protagonist. His adventures, all the shit he has to wade through (sometimes literally), everything feels very relatable, despite him being portrayed as a fundamentally different person from me. That is because there is something universal in his experiences, and while he is certainly not an everyman, his doubts, fears, and needs are hard not to empathise with. I should also make a note of how effective the handling of Greg`s family and past was. It is shrouded in just enough mystery to make things compelling, while also letting the reader know enough about them to help build his personality, and reinforce his inner conflicts. It is obfuscation that helps the story, rather than just making things obtuse.
Above all else, what made me love this story was its cohesiveness, how everything, despite being fairly episodic, builds up on what came before to create something greater. Every character has its own, independent motivation, even when doing fairly similar things (like trying to survive the apocalypse), including all the bit players. Yet, they all contribute, using the little slice of their lives we get to see, to a greater whole. Much of that is thanks to the relationship between Greg and Celestia, which makes them a very compelling duo, whose relationship constantly evolves during the story.
There is also something special to its portrait of the apocalypse. Despite taking place in the USA, there is a certain universal quality to the fic, an important global awareness that grounds it. And as terrifyingly dark and grim as it is, it is never straight-up depressing. As horrible as her actions ultimately are, there is a cloud of hope, even if it's in Celestia's claws, and it meshes well with the FiO canon, particularly in how the elements are introduced. Much of that also goes back to how the pony values this story carries. Yes, it is about humans, but much of what the show champions is present in this fic.
Finally, there is the matter of the ending. Right from the start, it was hard to conceive of how this could end satisfactorily, or what satisfaction could even mean in this situation. Greg could die, having lived the rest of his days as a human. He could have uploaded, abandoning his principles in the process, and being forced into a situation he strongly rejected. Or how about ending with him alone, unable to find anything to do on earth, or even other people who he could help? Maybe even settle down with a group/another survivor? Everything would seem like a betrayal of the fic's ideas.
In the end, the solution the fic finds is not only meaningful, but thematically appropriate. And while I can't say it is satisfying, it manages to let Greg be happy without betraying his principles. The way it deals with the nature of freedom, what it means to be human, and how far altruism can go is nothing short of amazing, and elevates this story above most others. And that is what makes this such a powerful, amazing fic.
Why it should be read: If you have even an inkling of interest in the FiO universe, particularly its more troublesome implications.
Stand out moment: How about a top five?
5-) The crazy college woman was a fun sequence. It was a great way to see CelestiAI acting in a different situation than the rest of the story. That it then devolves into a horrifying situation only makes it better.
4-) Luna's introduction to the story. She is such a forgotten part of FiO canon, that it's great to see something being done with her. The way you are never sure if she is an independent agent or just another part of Celestia's plan also works very well. Also, it works wonders to break the episodic nature of the fic.
3-) The whole sequence of going to save the General in Seattle. It had superb atmosphere, the climbing of the central spire felt properly claustrophobic, and the overall imagery was singular.
2-) The banquet after he becomes a pony, as he meets everyone he helped upload, was a very strong emotional moment. It is such a mixture between triumph and cruelty, as he is shown people loving simulated versions of their loved ones. Not related to the fic, but The Temple of the King came in my music rotation right at that moment, and it was terribly fitting and impactful.
1-) The sequence with the 'blackout', who he is forced to shoot? That was just fantastic. The fact that we see this guy for such a short time, and that he is still so uniquely characterized, and how authentic he feels. And the ultimate conclusion, and how it affects Greg and his relationship with Celestia... That was just perfect.
10/10
mylittleeconomy – My Little Economy: Economics is Science – Pilot Retelling
Once upon a time, in the scientific land of econo-questria...
I decided to read this fic because it sounded uniquely weird. And what I got was pretty much that.
It is not only weird, but committed to that weirdness, changing all aspects of the show to fit with some concept of economics. Still, it isn't actually random, only operates in a very distinct logic. The following excerpt is a good example.
Once upon a time there were two sisters. The elder, her hair the color of rainbow, which wasn’t then all that it became later, raised the money supply every day. The younger, her coat as dark as the space between stars, lowered it at night. Between them they maintained the balance between money and the economy of goods and services, the nominal and the real. For five hundred years the equilibrium stood with only one interruption.
After that incident, the two Alicorns took the title of Princess. Princess Celestia the elder, beloved by ponies everywhere, contented herself to watch Equestria’s economy develop. Princess Luna, however, was not happy.
When Princess Celestia raised the money supply, goods and services sold more easily. Income went up, and the ponies were slow to realize that each bit bought less than before. When Princess Luna lowered the money supply, goods sat on the shelves unsold. Ponies had fewer bits. That their bits now bought more did not impress them.
Whispers spread across the land. Ponies loved the beautiful, warm Princess Celestia. The dark, reticent Princess Luna they viewed with suspicion. Why did she need to lower the money supply? It hurt ponies.
Alicorns have good ears and long memories. Princess Luna wanted the same love that fell upon her older sister. Jealousy consumed her. Though her older sister tried to assuage her doubts, the seeds of discord took root in Princess Luna’s heart. The sisters commiserated less, fought more. Maintaining the equilibrium became a chore.
One day, Princess Luna made a mistake. The money supply dropped too much. Princess Celestia quickly restored the balance, but the recession rocked Equestria. Ponies marched on Canterlot.
Just a note: It is labelled as a comedy, but It seems to be more due to the author having something against using multiple labels than anything else. This is a Adventure-Comedy in an Alternate Universe through and through, managing to stay pretty close to the show's tone despite the subject matter. And, as a vehicle for ridiculous reinterpretations of the show and its characters, it is certainly a success.
However, this is a story seriously held back by its writing, and not just smaller editing issues like general typos and whatnot. No, the problem here is that it is terribly digressive, constantly going into tangents of tangents of tangents, making many passages quite hard to parse. In a way, it reminds me of trying to understand LISP code. This is a good, early example:
Visitors to Canterlot, Equestria's capital and home to the Bank (for it is always called "The Bank," seeing as there is only One), always ask the same three questions, the first being, "Does the Bank give out free samples, har har?" Once the tour guide is finished contemplating a pair of lungs full of water, two further questions are asked: "What made Princess Celestia stronger than her sister, Princess Luna, imprisoned in the moon for a thousand years?" and "Why does Princess Celestia not crown herself Queen and rule from a grand throne of jewels with a scepter of Power and Fun, spreading her majesty over the land like a rainbow, lightning bolts crackling in encouraging messages across the sky with her every word, the very ground trembling beneath her feet in a relaxing sort of massage with each mighty step she takes?"
The answers the tour guides usually give are, respectively, "Bigger horn," and "Thinks 'Princess' sounds prettier than 'Queen.'" Most tourists leave satisfied, fatter and poorer than they were a week ago. But the truth, though it is rarely discerned, is that the two questions have the same answer, that is, the Bank was enough….
And will there ever be any more Alicorns? It seems unlikely. In a thousand years there have only been three. Oh, there are rumormongers who say there are more Alicorns out there, that the constant magical flux of the universe creates them, that if you stare hard and long enough at the background you will see ponies with two wings and a horn, but whatever process creates them must also swiftly destroy them, for no such Alicorns have ever been found through a controlled double-blind experiment conducted by a group of disinterested science-ponies who consider calls for meta-analysis the ultimate insult. We must declare this persistent belief a willful self-delusion and move on.
In a thousand years there have only been the Seven Colors of the Rainbow, the Five Elements of Equilibrium, the Three Alicorns and the One Bank. Now the summer solstice of the thousand-and-first year approaches. While the idea of a spell of imprisonment lasting one thousand years is right and proper and normal, who has ever heard of a spell that lasts one thousand years and one?
Things do get better in later chapters, but that remains an issue right until the end. And while the general idea of the style is well suited for a story like this, the lack of clarity made it, largely, not work. Still, even if it was distracting, I can't say it ever became frustrating.
And I can forgive such things to a great extent, given that so much of this story just works. There are tons of clever interpretations and fun ideas, and the fic constantly managed to surprise me with its creativity. In large part, its reinterpretations make sense, with only a handful of exceptions: The parasprites are said to be feared for spreading reasons, but then almost manipulates them all to commit suicide. Also, Steven Magnet was a weird segment. I couldn't connect him to economics, and he was also a cannibal, and his children were kidnapped. The whole thing didn't mesh that well with anything else. There are a handful of other weird things, but those two were the ones that stuck out. However, there were just enough fun parts to make up for that, like the differing characterizations or the "NEO" stuff.
At the end of the day, I came expecting weird and got it. It is one of those stories that lives and dies by its internal order, but that managed to win me over thanks to a strict commitment to what it does right. If nothing else, it was enough to make me laugh quite a bit, and I can forgive its issues for that. Lets hope the sequels live up to the first one.
Why it should be read: If you have at least a passing interest in economics, and finds significant deviations of the canon to be entertaining.
Stand out moment: Rainbow Dash's monetary adventures were a constant joy. Also, the "pets" each of the mane 6 got were interesting to see.
8/10
Jetfire – It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door – Adventure
When Twilight Sparkle messes up a spell, Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash must race to a faraway land in order to fetch her a cure.
While this fic certainly deserves a much, much longer treatment, the truth is that Dangerous Business has already been talked about to death. In fact, this one was my second read through, which I decided to do before starting to read the sequel. And I can safely say that it was just as enjoyable the second time around.
Of course, it is a fic that shows its age, feeling every bit the Season One fic it is. That can be seen in the characterization, the type of references being made, the tropes being used, and particularly in the writing. Besides the rampant LUS, there was something of a general style to those early fics that is very noticeable.
And yet, their journey is still tremendously compelling, and the character growth of all the involved is remarkable – even if it on top of their S1 selves. Also, it has a very brisk pacing that is just so much fun, thanks to having the characters always on the move, which tends to come in the form of scenery porn. And, while I know that isn't the majority opinion, I still think it is very purposeful, helping keep the world vibrant and interesting, but above all else lived in. At every turn, it feels like they are stepping into a place that exists independently of the characters involved or the situation, as if you were just seeing a slice in time and space of a much larger world.
And it does all that while still feeling very pony, keeping well rooted in the values of the show. Even when they go to a more brutal land, or talk with different species, you always feel like those could easily exist in the same universe as the show. Sure, pony is pretty well suited to the Fantasy genre, but even canon has some trouble connecting the rest of the show with the adventure episodes, which this one does very successfully. All in all, it remains one of my absolute favourites for good reason.
Why it should be read: For a great adventure fic, and a piece of MLP fanfiction history.
Stand out moment: I love the ending. It ties up all aspects of the story very well, acting as the culmination of everything that happened before, while also justifying the journey.
10/10
Groaning Grey Agony – Riverdream at Sunset: a Manuscript (Reading by Illya Leonov) – Literary Fiction
Lord Dunsany takes a trip to Equestria
And, in a review series full of amazing fics, why not finish with another amazing one? This one seemed to get all manner of attention last month, with the RCL and the Seattle Angels featuring it pretty much back to back, with a reading from Illya Leonov quickly following – and really, who could be more perfect than him to read this? And indeed, all that is very well deserved.
Before reading this, I was completely unfamiliar with Lord Dunsany, something I really hope to remedy soon. I don't think a fanfic made me want to read an established author this much since The Rummy Business of Old Blooey made me get into Wodehouse.
However, even being unfamiliar with his works, and thus with whatever references there may be here, there is lots to like here: Its commitment to its structure, doing much with the gimmick that bookends the story, as well as the way the point of view is presented and utilized; the great care with the language being used, including how it uses Greek; the way the characters and locations are used. More than that, it is a story that containing a certain warmth and humanity that is hard to find in much of anything else.
But I would be lying if I said those were the reasons why this fic struck me quite this hard. The key factor is that it is one of those stories with the ability to make you believe in magic, and not just in the sense of suspending your disbelief of the impossible. I am talking about magic as a real, tangible force, something we could find if only we could enter a newfound bend in a well travelled river.
As for the ponies, they are somewhat accessory to the story, as everything could happen had he found some other universe. Still, I think that there is something about how Equestria is portrayed here that is essential for the fic to work: How it feels almost like the human world, but not exactly so. No idea if that is a constant in Dunsany, but here it makes him looks like just another traveler finding a new land.
Really, that is just a bunch of words to say that this is significant and exciting, in such a way that most stories aren't.
Why it should be read: For something magical and unique.
Stand out moment: His whole encounter with Celestia, from seeing her raise the sun, to him fleeing from Equestria.
10/10
I am trying to keep a schedule starting next week. If you don't hear from me until Wednesday, that means I have failed.
Consarn it. One of these days I'll learn to write stronger dialogue and not make a collection of just Saints and Sinners.
You will like one of my stories one day.
This I swear.
Cheers for the reviews! I'm pleasantly surprised by the score on Keeper. Last time that got reviewed and graded, it received a 2.5/10.
Good collection in this one. :D
As the curator who recommended both Always Say No and Riverdream At Sunset to the RCL, I'm chuffed at their glowing reviews.
They're both magnificent stories, full stop.
Riverdream at Sunset is very high up my RiL list (it jumped the queue a bit after its RCL listing) so I only skimmed your review -- but the rating was clear enough. Really looking forward to that one now. As for Dangerous Business, I found the LUS so excessive (even by S1-fic standards) that it actually annoyed me, which took the edge off the story. I still liked it a great deal, but it ended up an 8/10 (old scoring method) when it would have been an easy 9 without the LUS. Still, when the sequel's finished I'll be reading it.
3208644 Flawed as I felt it was, I really appreciate the ideas in it!
3209956 Yeah, they are the kind of fic that makes me want to read more fanfiction, you know.
3210526 I guess I have a higher tolerance for that kind of stuff. Also, I am a sucker for Tolkien-esque.
3210526
Likewise for me. I ended up giving it a solid 7/10 though. Apart from the LUS, the gigantic story-breaking plothole also irritated me.
Wow, there's a lot of great fics, including two that are way too big to get to anytime soon, and a third that is also too big, but I half-read it when it was still in progress.
Your comment about the Coen Brothers makes me wonder how they would handle a high concept science fiction movie. I really want to see that happen now. Maybe that's not their bag, but I hope they can make room for it.
3217889 Yeah, you pretty much have to stick your fingers in your ears and go "la la la" very loudly to avoid thinking about that plothole, but oddly it didn't really bother me once I was into the story.
3219203
3217889
What plothole?
3219757 "Why didn't they ask Celestia to help?" At least, that's the one that I meant.