Review: Fluttershy Takes Manehattan · 11:23am Jun 24th, 2015
I love pony fiction. A surprising declaration on a pony fiction fan site, I'm sure, but it's true. So, in the spirit of pony fiction, I thought I would start trying to review, analyse and/or critique some pony stories.
If you have a story you'd like me to review, leave me a comment either on my user page, or through the private messaging service.
Fluttershy Takes Manehattan is tagged:
Slice of Life.
It features the character tags:
Fluttershy, Rarity, Coco Pommel, Photo Finish, Other
Fluttershy Takes Manehatten was written by Vital Spark, and can be found here. Full story spoilers below the cut.
A sequel to both 'Green isn't your color' and 'Rarity takes Manehattan', Fluttershy Takes Manehattan begins with a visit by Coco Pommel to Ponyville. Since we last saw her, she's been working on a fashion line, and -inspired by letters with Rarity- wants to ask Fluttershy to model some of them for her. Initially reluctant, Fluttershy agrees, and the trio catch a train to Manehattan, where they discover that a flood has ruined Coco's dresses.
Rarity, Fluttershy and Coco stay late into the night repairing them. At the show, Fluttershy is so exhausted that she can't help yawning in front of the crowd. This 'fatigue chic' catches Photo Finish's attention, and the story ends with Photo taking Coco with her while Fluttershy gets some much-needed rest.
In terms of concept, I love this story. The idea of Coco using Fluttershy -and her former reputation- to market her clothes is believable, and one which I could envision happening on the show. However, I feel like the execution doesn't quite match up to the potential of it.
It's a little difficult to read Act I as something other than filler. The important information -that Coco has a fashion line, wants Fluttershy to model for her and ultimately convinces her to do so- is information which could have been integrated into the second chapter. Worse, both chapters open in identical ways:
It was a bright, sunny morning as the train pulled into Ponyville station. A number of ponies alighted, including a cream-coloured earth pony who struggled to get her suitcase off the train. A unicorn waiting nearby noticed that she was having difficulties and levitated it off the train and safely onto the platform. The earth pony looked up to see who had come to her assistance and recognised her at once.
It was a grey afternoon and the rain fell in sheets as the train pulled into Manehattan Central. Three ponies stepped out of the carriage and dashed to the shelter, the unicorn levitating their bags behind them.
Coco shivered. "The taxi rank is this way." She led them out of a side exit and the three ponies hopped into a waiting cab. Coco leaned over to give the driver the address of her studio before leaning back and attempting to make her wet mane look more presentable.
In a way, it's effective; it shows the contrast between the vistas of Ponyville and Manehatten. The rain foreshadows the flood that has already destroyed Coco's office, and Coco taking the reins here is a nice call-back to Rarity's line in the first chapter about not letting strangers wander an unfamiliar town alone.
However, while the content could be effective in its echoing and contrasting the first chapter... there isn't enough material between the two openings for it have an impact. Rather than being a meaningful echo of the first chapter (one thousand words ago), it becomes repetitive; a description of weather, ponies get off the train. I feel like chapter two would be made a lot stronger by either expanding chapter one in content... or simply cutting it altogether.
Which is a shame, because there are some good moments in the first chapter. Rarity assuming Coco meant she wanted Rarity as a model was a funny moment. When Fluttershy is mobbed by her animals upon sitting down, the scene is a tad saccharine and 'Disney Princess'-ey for my liking... but it's also something which I have to concede I could see happening on the show. However, I don't think those two moments are enough to warrant keeping the chapter. In fact, Act I set's up some ideas which never really get a pay-off; Rarity assures Fluttershy that Spike could look after the animals again on her behalf. This -couple with the three act structured implicit in the chapter titles- practically screams for an Act III about Fluttershy and Rarity's return to Ponyville which never materializes.
Speaking of cuts, there's also a rather odd moment which stands out at the beginning of Act II, involving Coco's assistant, Grace. I'm not sure if Grace (and the off-screen Raven) are intended as shout-outs on the author's behalf; however, considering the short length of the story, I feel like introducing an OC -to the extent of giving her a name and lines- and then having her waltz out of the story is a slight misstep on the authors behalf. Considering the length, we really should be focusing much more on the trio themselves.
Speaking of which... the Trio are well-presented. Personally, I would have preferred if there was a bit more depth and time spent on examining their relationships- Rarity is in the position of being a mentor to both Fluttershy and Coco, after all, and it might have been nice to have seen how her relationship with one contrasted with the other; or to see her discomfort at forcing one friend to do something she doesn't like to help another. Instead, despite being the main PoV for most of the story, Rarity takes on a mostly supportive role to the other two, and her moments in the Act II, when she volunteers herself and Fluttershy as emergency seamstresses and when she drapes a jacket over Fluttershy, are rather sweet.
Fluttershy, too, is well-presented. Her assertion at the end, of flat-out putting Photo Finish down, is a very nice touch, reflecting her growing assertion over the seasons. After how Photo treated her in 'Green isn't your Color', Flutetrshy's refusal -delivered immediately and without nerves- is very refreshing. Her motivation -that Coco is Rarity's friend, making her Fluttershy's friend- also seems very in-character for her, and a much more compelling argument than her concern that the animal center could use some money; the only time we see them, the animals seem well-cared for and there aren't any signs of financial hardship.
Frankly, Coco is the character who suffers the most, probably because I feel like she is the one who could have benefited the most from having time spent on her. Granted, part of this is the problem of the show; Coco had only a minimal role in Rarity Takes Manehattan, where she mostly came across as an earth pony cross of Rarity and Fluttershy, a fact which helps sell the idea of these three as a Trio to me.
However, Vital doesn't really go any further with her, which is a shame because I feel like the potential for serious development is there. When she and Rarity are asking Flutetrshy to model for her, she interrupts Rarity's acceptance of her refusal, and effectively guilt's Fluttershy into doing it 'for a friend'. Given Rarity and Fluttershy's unhappiness with making Fluttershy model, it might have been interesting to have this side of her character explored, to further the contrast between her and Fluttershy with the possibility that Coco might have picked up some of Suri's behavior.
The writing style itself is very functional, clear and precise; there are no spelling or grammar errors. My only issue with the style is, while it does work, it's feels somewhat bare, getting back to my previous complaint about the lack of emotional depth; sometimes the text tells us how we (or the characters) should feel, rather than inciting the emotion itself. For instance:
The dyes had run and the fur trims were clumped and matted together; there was no way these could be used for the show tomorrow.
This part could be cut out, with further elaboration on how the fabrics have been destroyed, mounting the horror and tension that the characters (and the readers) feel as they unpack more and more boxes, and making the mare's decision to recreate the costumes more powerful, more exhausting, and more gratifying when they succeed. Similarly, there is a lot of dialogue in the piece. Personally, I like dialogue; however, I feel like it could have used a bit more description and action; as is the only moment where things happen (rather than being talked about) is during Fluttershy's modelling career- possibly a deliberate choice, since it draws more attention to the runway (and Fluttershy's yawning 'Fatigue Chic'), but not a choice which rally worked for me personally. The ponies in the show are expressive creatures; but, aside from a mention of Coco's ears drooping and rarity biting her lip, the text focuses more on using the dialogue or the narrator telling us how the characters feel rather than using body language to show it- which would have had the advantage of adding some variety to the prose.
Overall, while this is a story that i do like... I think it needs more. More words, more exploration of the situation and characters, more depth. I love the concept, and just wish there was more of it. While it is a fun piece to read at the moment, I feel like it could be improved upon.
Hi, thanks for the extremely comprehensive review.
I do have vague plans for a sequel, which would cover Coco Pommel going to Prance for another show, but with a different pegasus model, and showing how success starts to change her personality. And then even vaguer plans with for a third story which would develop the Fluttershy/Coco ship I tried to subtly establish in the first one.
FYI, Grace and Raven are not OCs, but canon characters. Grace is a fan name for the pony who is the receptionist in Rarity Takes Manehattan and has a spoken line. Raven is a background pony usually shown as secretary to either Princess Celestia or Mayor Mare, depending on the episode. I think it's plausible that these two characters may have worked together in the past and become friends.