Main Reviews #15: The Phoenix Foal (part of the Million Words in June) (spoiler warning) · 5:25am Jun 12th, 2015
Just because I’m too impatient to pair it with another story of similar length I feel like it, have another review. Thanks to Grand_Moff_Pony for suggesting this one.
Check out my feelings on The Phoenix Foal below.
Author: Sir Barton
Synopsis:
Rainbow Dash, the greatest flyer to ever come out of Cloudsdale, was actually foaled in little old Ponyville, or was she even foaled at all?
In the original version of MLP:FiM there was no Rainbow Dash. There was Firefly instead, but due to some legalities problems the character was cosmetically changed and renamed Rainbow Dash.
This is an fanfic adaptation of that transition based on material posted online from excerpts of interviews by Fyre-Flye (Lauren Faust) herself.
Length: 17,647 words over 6 chapters, averaging 2941 words per chapter
Status: Complete
Review: A fascinating idea behind the origins of Rainbow Dash, The Phoenix Foal plays off of statements given from various Q&As and interviews with Lauren Faust herself. You can do your own research into that if you like; it’s basically all there in the synopsis. As for the story itself, it’s okay. The writing bears all the noticeable hallmarks of being written earlier in the fandom, such as rampant LUS to the point where it was grabbing more attention than the story happening around it.
I mean, look at this!
The light mulberry-purple unicorn mare who sported a hot-pink and indigo double stripe in her midnight-sapphire-blue mane, apologized.
All that, and he could have just said “Twilight.” Sigh.
The story also likes to make mention of Rainbow and Firefly’s “pigeon blood coloured” eyes. I’ve recently been told that “pigeon blooded” is a term used to describe rubies, which itself is an over-descriptive way of simply saying “red.” I know their eyes aren’t exactly red of course, closer to pink – and let the record show that I am okay with Rainbow’s eyes being described as “pink” or even “magenta” – but even then, surely only one mention of the colour is enough?
There’s also a lot of telly prose, laced with a deeper purple than any bruise I’ve ever sustained.
The last rays of Celestia’s golden sun had long vanished behind the western horizon. From high in the deep sapphire blue night sky Luna’s glorious silver moon cast its cool light across Equestria. A cool breeze wafted through the air as, high atop the balcony of the tallest spire of Canterlot Castle, the Diarch Nocturnes, the fallen and redeemed Princess of the Night, Luna, watched serenely. All was well in Equestria this young summer night.
I get it. Descriptive language can be great. I understand that the idea here is to paint a vivid picture of the setting. But seriously? This is way overdone, especially where Luna’s description is concerned.
I’ll admit, I wasn’t truly engaged in the story until I got to chapter three… which is so much better. It tones down on everything that irritated me about the earlier chapters, and instead focuses less on the purple prose and more on the characterisation of Rainbow’s parents. This is where the story begins to shine a little, out from under the oppressive blanket of LUS, telly structuring, and purple prose. Firefly and Bifrost’s banter and interactions actually make me care a little about them. They’re no longer just names—they’re characters. The story takes a different tone from here on as we discover the circumstances of Rainbow Dash’s birth, death, and subsequent rebirth as well as what happened to Firefly.
As it turns out, Firefly was really into “Ancient Pegasi” mythology… which really means “Ancient Greek” mythology. There are repeated mentions of Elysium – not foreboding in any way, surely 
– as well as other mentions toward the end of Olympia, the original Pegasus, and the legendary warrior, Bellerophon. It also borrows the phoenix motif as a central theme to base the story around. As a fan of this stuff myself, I heartily approve.
The idea behind The Phoenix Foal is fantastic, as are many of the later scenes. If you can stomach your way through the prose, the LUS, and the tell that infests the earlier chapters, you’ll unearth something special with heartwarming characters and bittersweet circumstances. There’s also a bit, a final chapter regarding a prophecy (spelled prophesy for some reason), which could potentially lead into a sequel. A sequel that I would definitely read, provided the author’s skills have improved in the years since the story’s posting. Fans of Rainbow Dash might find it interesting to discover this interpretation of her meta-link with earlier-generation Firefly, especially if they’re fans of Lauren Faust and her Word of God on the subject. You can do far worse for a Rainbow Dash origin story. It’s worth a look at least; the third and fifth chapters are the greatest standouts.
5.5/10
Wow. This is my 100th review! 
Words read so far this June: 347,150
Your review actually piques my interest to read this now. I love origin stories, at least usually, lol. :)
Also, I'm no Brit, but I have seen some UK folks swap 's' for 'c' in words before; prophesy being one of them. then again, maybe they're doing it wrong too. *shrugs*
I'm surprised this ended up being good in the end. :O
This is what I was talking about last night, that was mocking this precise sort of writing. I guess the author should have read it instead of not reading it and walking right into the trap. :|
3141565
Ho, damn.
I see now why you made the comparison.
Oh, ugh. D: That's just at the level of self-parody. It's like that one entry in the Writeoffs this month that kept using Twilight's full royal title every time it used her name.
Except apparently serious.