LiAB Review 13: eLLen's "Flying" · 10:44pm Jun 10th, 2015

Seriously, is the "View Mature" setting broken on this website? The top-ranked story in the featured box explicitly has the "Sex" flag. Why is this story visible to me? Is sex not a mature subject?

Of course it isn't mature! Most fanfic writers are extremely childish and petty about it. The "Mature" tag should clearly be reserved for grown up things, like going to work and paying bills and doing your taxes... OH GOD THATS SO HOTT!!! Do those taxes, baby! Do'em HARD!

Regardless, today's lightning rod is about everybody's favorite subject: Public nudity! With possibly underage girls! How old are they anyways?! Doesn't Rarity own her own business?! Whatever! You oughta be ashamed, mister or missus author. ASHAMED I say! But as usual, this reviewer is not interested in the top of the pile. We're going to dig all the way to the bottom and uncover the author's least viewed story... the shameful, hidden depths of the author's most disgusting, vile, erotic fantasies. I can't wait to see what sort of perverted fetishes lurk in the darkest recesses of their subconscious...

Author: eLLen
Featured Story: "It's Just Public Nudity!"
Least viewed story at that time: "Flying" (Top ranked, 10 June, 2015)
Completion: Fully read
Tags Listed: Slice of Life
Three Word Summary: Dash Loves Flying.

So, it's a Slice of Life short. That's... hm.

Okay, here we go: It's about Rainbow Dash and her filthy, depraved, forbidden love of... flying! Is nothing sacred?!

Well, I'm sure it's... just... y'know. It's about erotic flying. Aha! Sure enough, she's flying over the rooftops of Ponyville, in plain view of everypony... COMPLETELY NAKED!

Have you no shame, Miss eLLen? HAVE YOU NO DINGINTYYYY?! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

No wait stop! Don't think of the children! Stop thinking of children while you're aaaaahh stop it stop it stop it what have I doooone

...

*drums fingers on desk*

This is like, the second or third time I've hit a featured story that was all porny and sexy, and ended up reviewing a story that was completely wholesome. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

Someday I'll be filled with righteous moral outrage. Someday... someday.

*sighs wistfully*

But not today.

So the subject of today's review is a simple, day-in-the-life-of story about Rainbow Dash, and her passion for aerobatics. It's a simple one-off intended to test Fimfiction's posting feature, while still beign a story in its own right. I guess Lorem Ipsum was on vacation that week. And in spite of the incredibly suggestive cover art of Rainbow Dash's bashfull blush (say that ten times fast) it's all very wholesome and harmless. There's really nothing to get angry ab--

AAAAAUGH TAB AND BLOCK INDENTATION AT THE SAME TIIIIME! YOU DIE! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIEEEE

Technical Issues

*takes several deep breaths*

Okay. Okay. I have complained about "too many commas" before, and I think It's time I settled my thoughts on the matter: How many commas should I use?

The answer: Only the necessary ones.

Let's take the following sentence as an example:

Time was not a testament to bonds in this case, however as, instead, an assuming yet flashy necklace that she claimed (or was it the other way around?) indicated.

That seems like way too many commas to me. The whole sentence is awkward and clumsy. There's just too many "nested brackets" to digest. But as far as I can tell, none of these commas are technically or grammatically incorrect. It's not a poor use of commas. It's a poor use of sentence structure. In this case, the commas are merely a symptom.

if we strip this sentence right down to the bone, this is what we get:

Time was not a testament to bonds, as a necklace indicated.

Unfortunately, the sentence is bogged down with numerous redundant modifiers: The phrases "in this case," "however," "instead", and "that she claimed" all kinda-sorta mean the same thing. They all achieve the same linguistic effect. Using three or four at once is redundant.

When I first started writing, I asked my brother to skim through my story and point out any problems. Finding them was easy--oh, did he find them!--but describing them to me turned out to be very difficult. Partly because I'm stubborn and thick-headed, and partly because I, as a writer, was too close to the work. So explaining the problem was a challenge all in itself.

He said I used a lot of "wishy washy" language. I asked what he meant by that. And every time he tried to explain it, I simply asked him what he meant by that. Over and over. Finally, he grabbed a passage from my story and read it aloud:

"She opened the box and saw something inside that almost, but not quite, had an aura of darkness around it."

Almost, but not quite? Well, is it an aura of darkness, or isn't it? That's a pretty wishy washy description. Make up your mind.

And I said "Well, it's not that big a deal."

From that point on, whenever he encountered a sentence he thought was wishy-washy, he'd read it aloud in an exaggerated tone: "Jane opened the door, and saw something that almost, sort of, kind of, maybe, somewhat, vaguely! Seemed to be! Indeterminately! Might have! Approximately! Bordered on!! ESSENTIALLY! VIRTUALLY!! ALMOST!!!1"

He did this every. Single. Time. Boy, was it frustrating. I felt like he was making fun of me. I felt like he was obsessing over this one little flaw while ignoring all the merits my story might have had. I got so frustrated, I stopped talking with him for awhile. I refused to even show him my work.

A week or so later I sat down to write, and a strange thing happened. I wrote a descriptive sentence. After a moment, I re-read it and thought "Gee... that does sound kind of wishy washy."

So I shortened it up. Made it more conscise. Neat. Tidy. And you know what? It read better.

It must be so frustrating, talking to us writers... trying to explain something we're unwilling or unable to understand, simply because we're too close to the work. "I wrote this awesome story with awesome characters, and you're complaining about the commas? Can't you just let it go and appreciate the good qualities?!"

Talking about writing is like dancing about architecture.

But it has to be done.

And you use too many commas.

There's two kinds of comma problems: You either (1) used it in a gramatically incorrect way, or you (2) used them correctly, but your sentence structure is too confusing and awkward to read. In this case, eLLen, I think it's the latter. The real problem is the wish-washy writing. Sometimes less is more. Now you might say... DuncanR, you say, because that's apparently how you talk... this is supposed to be a highly descriptive sentence.

And that's fine. I love that about your work. I really do. I love what you're trying to write. I think it's highly evocative, and does a very good job of showing us the emotion and exhiliration Rainbow Dash is experiencing. And since the entire purpose of the story is to convey emotion and exhiliration, that's an accomplishment.

But there's a difference between "richly descriptive" and "wishy-washy." I know how strange it must sound that a sentence can waver on the border between "rich" and "watered down". You'd think those two things were complete opposites. But it's a real problem, and it exists. I'm still trying to figure it out myself, mind you... but it's always easier to spot mistakes when other people make them.

Let's take another quick example:

She loved the view of seeing the entire world below her become a blur[...]

Wait. What? "Seeing" is already visual. If you've got a view of something, we know you're seeing. It's redundant. It seems like a minor quibble, but it tripped me up almost immediately. It sounds like she's "viewing" a "seeing the entire world." I didn't realize that a "seeing the entire world" is a concrete thing that can be viewed.

It's hard to explain why this feels broken. Allow me to suggest an alternative:

She loved the experience of seeing the entire world below her become a blur[...]

Or just this:

She loved the view of the entire world below her becoming a blur[...]

This has the bonus of making the language "active" instead of "passive." Though in this case, making it "active" prevents it from fitting in with the sentences around it. But I digress.

Another more clear-cut example:

She further increased her speed, actually accelerating while going skyward.

Why use the word "actually" here? Are you worried the reader will mistake this for "figurative" acceleration, or "symbolic" acceleration? I can immediately think of another similar problem some writers have...

I think you're trying to use that word to emphasize an unintuitive disparity between expectation and reality. Consider the following alternative:

She further increased her speed, somehow accelerating while going skyward, which most ponies would not expect to happen, because gravity has a universal tendancy to cause physical objects to accelerate downward rather than upward. But Dash was able to accelerate upward because she was an experienced athlete who knew all manner of aerobatic tricks. And because she's just that awesome.

Sooo... not the most elegant fix. But you get the idea.

You use "actually" again in the very next paragraph, but here it's less of a problem:

However, her favorite trick actually didn’t involve any of these.

This works fine. The reader might very well assume that Rainbow Dash's favorite trick would involve high speeds, velocity changes on a whim, and sharp angles and dives melding together into a brilliant show of skill and precision. But in actual reality, her favorite trick involves none of these things.

However, there's no need to start the paragraph with "however." The words "however" and "actually" are trying to accomplish the same goal: they're both designed to shake up the reader's expectations. Either use this:

Her favorite trick actually didn’t involve any of these.

Or this:

However, her favorite trick didn’t involve any of these.

Using both is simply redundant.

I could keep nitpicking, but I won't. I know it's little stuff. I know it misses the point of the story. I know it must be frustrating to hear. But I can remember when I needed to hear the exact same message myself. And when I took my brother's advice to heart, I became a better (read "less awful") writer.

I hope you find his advice as useful as I did.

Characterization, Plot, and Story

Lumping these together, because there's not much to complain about. It is a Slice Of Life, after all (Heh heh... your story is S.O.L. Heh-heh.). It's terribly refreshing to see a story with only one tag (especially since the author's Top Ranked story had a whopping five tags... you're getting off light, buster!) And Slice might be my favorite out of the bunch. It's also a strong indicator of an author's skill with characterization and dialogue: There's no epic space battles or giant monsters to serve as crutches. Just simple, pure dialogue and ordinary daily events.

In that regard, I think we can call this story a success. It's refreshing to see a writer start off with something so simple, and so "show accurate" to the character in question. It would have been more satisfying to have at least one twist, one little reversal of expectations, or perhaps an insight into Dash's character we've never seen before. But that's surely a different story entirely.

And it's short. Shorter is always harder to write.

Final Verdict

Gonna be honest, the descriptive prose borders on purple. Very rich, very thick, and difficult to digest in places. But the true problem here is the sentence structure rather than the choice of words. This story was clearly an excercise in writing descriptive scenery and action, and it succeeds more than it fails. If this was a super-long thousand page epic where nothing ever happens, it would get very annoying very quickly. I mean, come on... who in their right mind would drag out such a simple premise? Really! That's... heh-heh. Just drag it out. Draaaaag it out. Talk about lame. What a... what kind of a boring loser thinks he can pull that off? Who... I mean, who cares, right? Not like I'm... jealous or... or...

*sniffle*

Ahem. Regardless. As a short story, "Flying" perfectly enjoyable. Perhaps it was more interesting to me as a writer than as a reader. I think this is exactly the sort of experiment more writers should attempt. But even as a story I never felt my time was wasted. And on top of all that, I am now curious about the author's other works. Bonus!

Would I read it again, or recommend it to others? Probably not. It does have the feel of a writing experiment. The sentence structure needs a good deal of work. The narrative voice needs some smoothing out. And in places, the author needs to use the right word instead of the almost-right word. It feels like the author was just starting out as a writer, still trying to find their voice. It reminded me very much of my own early writing, and I see a lot of the same problems I once had. I probably still have 'em now.

As always, there's only one way to fix these problems: Just keep on writing.

So please, eLLen. I hope you keep on writing.