Review: The Howling Pony · 11:18am Apr 16th, 2015
I love pony fiction. A surprising declaration on a pony fiction fan site, I'm sure, but it's true. So, in the spirit of pony fiction, I thought I would start trying to review, analyse and/or critique some pony stories.
If you have a story which you would like covered, contact me either through the messaging service, or through my thread on the Authors Helping Authors Forum.
The following are my thoughts on The Howling Pony by Inazuma. This review was originally posted as a comment on the story, and moved at the authors request. Full Story Spoilers below.
The Howling Pony is tagged:
Sad, Dark, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Anthro.
It features the character tags:
Zecora, Big Mac, Derpy Hooves, Discord, Sunset Shimmer.
The Howling Pony is an adaptation/crossover with the Twilight Zone episode 'The Howling Man', and can be found here.
Using "The Twilight Zone" as a crossover sounds like a good idea to me. Since the characters of MLP are already established in the minds of the readers, that allows you to cut out a lot of the expository "introducing the characters" segments, as well as introducing twists by playing on what we know about the characters. Case in point: the reveal of Derpy as Discord. Given the fandom's love of Derpy (and it's more muted response towards Zecora), this would have been a perfect place to build on the readers expectations. The fans love Derpy, and we hate seeing her upset; that should make the reveal that she is actually Discord - and Zecora was right - more powerful.
(Incidentally, during the text, you refer to Derpy as an earth mare. If that was intentional, to create the sense in the reader that something is "off" about the character... good. Otherwise, I'm not sure if it was a mistake or not. Though I did like Zecora commenting on how Derpycord is "always in the background" at events in Equestra).
The reason I say "should" is because... it's not. I'm not a big fan of the Twilight Zone - not having seen any episodes of it- but it felt as if this was hewing a bit too close to the source material. Twisting what the readers expect from familiar characters is fine; as I said above, in this kind of story, that should be encouraged! But, aside from Derpy, I didn't think the other characters sounded quite right. It sounded a little more as if you had characters and lines from the Twilight Zone episode which you then placed into the mouths of the characters, which took me out of the story a little bit.
Case in point, Zecora. The show presents her as a wise figure, living in isolation. I can certainly see the ideas of her as both a cult leader or founding a hermitage developing from that concept- but the Zecora in this piece doesn't seem to be that character. I suppose if I was being nit-pickey, I would add that she should probably be rhyming, but Zecora's voice is more than just that verbal tic- and I just didn't really feel it here.
Likewise, Sunset Shimmer. The character you present as going on walkabout, is a direction I can see spinning out of Rainbow Rocks. Similarly, the ending with her obsessing over doing good to make up for a past misdeed does fit the characterization of Sunset from the second movie. However, it's the middle section that I find some issues with - and feel free to disregard this, since I am a bit of a Sunset fanboy, and the character hasn't really had enough exposure to make my interpretation more "correct" than yours... but-
The middle segment with Sunset doesn't feel right. Sunset is clever and -at least pre-Friendship Cannon- ambitious. Your story hands Sunset the information she needs, such as placing her right next to Derpy to reveal her existence, or releasing Discord because she was fooled. Neither of those felt exactly right to me; considering Sunset Shimmer's arrogance, I can buy her dismissing Zecora's explanation of being sick. But I think this story would be a lot stronger if Sunset had done some investigating on her own, and discovered Derpycord under her own, rather than the monastery putting her next to the one person they are trying to hide.
(Whether or not Derpycord could tempt her with power is up for debate, since that would spoil the twist that Derpy is Discord... but ti would fit the ambitions of pre-Reformation Sunset).
Really, that touches on my main complaint of the story; it's too short. I feel as if the middle really needs to be expanded upon. That would give you room for the characterization of these takes on the ponies, building up the conflict between Zecora and Sunset. It would also help to build up the atmosphere of the story, by hinting at the secrets of the monastery and allowing some speculation before we find out what those secrets are.
I have to admit, I don't particularly like the present tense, so I'm not sure what recommendations to make there. There were a few moments where I think you slipped in the past tense, so I'd recommend another read through to correct those. I'd also suggest the references to "googly" as a way of describing Derpy's eyes be removed, at least during the climax. Early on, they are an effective word choice (emphasizing how innocent and non-threatening she is), but towards the end, it undercuts the tension a little.
Overall, I do like the concept, and the idea of Derpy being Discord is one that I can really get behind. I'd like to see more of this series, but I think you need to make sure that future pieces are more of a blend of the Twilight Zone and MLP, rather than simply being the Twilight Zone with ponies replacing the actors.
(Oh, and I admit, I'm a little unclear quite why this is marked anthro. There are some human features, but for the most part, I had little difficulty imagining these characters as humans, particularly since you described their genders in equine terms. Then again, I'm not a reader of anthro fiction anyway, so that might be the way it's done... still, it stood out to me).
