Recap of the season 5 pilot [SPOILERS] · 5:23pm Apr 6th, 2015
I haven't been putting out a lot of content lately. Reasons behind this are numerous but I can't be assed to list them for you. As a compensation, I will try blogging a bit about season 5 and the episodes. Because that's an original thought that hasn't been done to death already, right?
Anywho...
The Cutie Map, part 1
The episode starts with Twilight and her friends finding a map in that Batcave of a castle Twilight lives in. Because apparently the mysterious box couldn't be bothered to give Twilight an instruction booklet. Next up she'll probably find out the toaster turns into an armoured jet.
The map shows all of Equestria as a fully rendered 3d hologram made possible with the power of a stolen Star Wars holojector. It also shows them a location which seems to quite frankly be located in the middle of nowhere. After a train sequence featuring a locomotive overdosed on cartoon physics, we finally get to gaze upon the location designated by the map.
Turns out the place is located even further into the middle of nowhere than first anticipated. There's a town with far more inhabitants than the amount of households would make you believe. The twist however is that EVERY PONY IN THE TOWN HAS A MAJOR PLOT POINT AS THEIR CUTIE MARK!!!
To be precise: they all have an equal sign as their cutie mark. Whatever it means, it must be related to abusing the flash puppets' facial controls. Because they all smile just a bit larger than their facial muscles should allow and just large enough to be extremely unsettling. All this episode would need to surpass Lesson Zero on the creep-o-meter is Steve Buscemi playing a borderline child molester.
Our heroines fuck you Spike thanks for staying out of this episode are introduced to the founder and mayor of the town: Josef Stalin, I mean Jim Jones, uh, Starlight Glimmer; a unicorn who strongly believes that friendship can only be found in equality. It's explained that she took the cutie marks from the ponies in the yet-to-be-named town and made them all equal in everything. Nopony excels at anything and so on. All of this is accompanied by a very strict singing number choreographed by Stalinlight Starlight herself. As unsettling as these smiling minions are, the song's alright and portrays a good image of what Starlight's image of the perfect society is.
As the mane six hang out in the village and take part of the nonexistent culture, they learn the location of the town inhabitants' cutie marks. They visit the place to try and retrieve the cutie marks and set all the brainwashed ponies free. Hell, Starlight herself even decides to give the mane six a tour of the place, what a kind villain. Turns out the cutie marks are kept in the largest jewel case ever and that Starlight use a wooden tuning fork to instantly remove ponies' butt tattoos. She should totes patent that shit, it seems far superior to laser treatment.
Unfortunately, Admiral Gial Akbar was on vacation and our heroines never saw the trap coming. That's not to say Twilight didn't make a good attempt to quote the famous Mon Calamarian. To make a short battle even shorter: the mane six are surrounded by smiling cultists and Starlight magics their asses clean. The episode ends with the mane six receiving equal signs as cutie marks, surely their future as mathematicians must be a bright one.
That's the most accurate recap of the first episode you'll ever read, so let's move on to the next one.
The Cutie Map, part 2
We take off right after the first part. Twilight and the gang has had their cutie marks snitched by Starlight Glimmer! They have been locked inside, not a rape dungeon, but a brainwashing booth! Complete with loudspeakers repeating propaganda!
But wait, there's more!
Our heroines have lost their talents! Twilight can't magic at all! Fluttershy can't talk to animals! Rarity doesn't know what's fashionable, even though that wasn't really her talent! Rainbow Dash flies like Scootaloo! Pinkie Pie is slowly turning into Maud! Applejack, uh, can't talk like a redneck! Also she probably can't kick shit anymore, but who cares?
They trick Starlight into thinking that Fluttershy has become a mindless drone and one of the ponies who told the mane six about the stolen cutie marks turns themselves in. This pony must be the ultimate virgin. I mean, he's locked up with five mares in a shed and nothing funny happens. I guess they left that for the fandom to sort out.
Meanwhile, Fluttershy is making her best interpretation of Sly Cooper. She tries to retrieve the cutie marks of her friends only to learn the Starlight has twice the grey matter of your average antagonist. Case in point: Starlight moves the mane six's cutie marks to keep them safe. Also I think it was something about Twilight's cutie mark being special, but that isn't really explained so who gives a damn?
However, Starlight never realised that somepony had placed a bucket of liquid plot convenience in her bedroom! Suddenly, her equal sign cutie mark is revealed to be make-up covering a real cutie mark, which is a falling star. GEE, I WONDER IF HER TALENT IS RELATED TO MAGIC OR SOMETHING? She quickly reapplies the make-up, but not before Fluttershy sees the entire incident.
The next morning, Starlight checks if anypony else of our heroines have been successfully brainwashed. However, Fluttershy enacts her master plan! She almost succeeds in splashing water on Starlight, unfortunately Starlight has watched The Matrix and succeeds in bullet-timing the make-up removing liquid. A tiny drop conveniently lands on her flank and partially removes the make-up, however. Before you can say Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, Starlight's true nature is revealed and the entire town turns against her. Next time invest in better make-up or some kind of Plan B before you brainwash an entire town to hate cutie marks, idiot.
It's also revealed that the Wooden Tuning Fork of Tattoo Removal was a useless piece of wood all along, seems like laser treatment will continue being number one. Starlight was behind the magic all along! HOLY SHIT HER TALENT WAS MAGIC WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED?
Starlight makes a run for it with the mane six's cutie marks and the town inhabitants smash the cutie mark vault using the useless Wooden Tuning Fork of Tattoo Removal. SUCK IT STARLIGHT YOU LIED WHEN YOU SAID THE STAFF WAS USELESS!!! With their talents returned, it's up to the town inhabitants to beat the shit out of Starlight since the mane six are still talentless hacks. Applejack was even when she had her cutie marks but I can't say that on the internet lol.
Long story short: town inhabitants use their reclaimed talents to catch Starlight and break the jars holding the remaining cutie marks. Starlight tries to fight back but gets rekt by Twilight. Starlight escapes into the Cave of Returning Antagonists and everything's good again.
The inhabitants of the town decide to stay in the town, I guess Starlight must've planted a weird Stockholm Syndrome in their heads. They hold a party to celebrate their newfound freedom, even Wilhelm is invited! Then the episode is over after the mane six's cutie marks have a short lightshow and they realise that the map is going to boss them around for the entirety of the season.
And that's the season pilot, folks!
It was alright, not the best. But hey, the Discovery Kids logo is far less obtrusive than the HUB one, so that's a clear improvement. Luna's mane still runs at twice the framerate of Celestia's as well, I guess that proves who is the Princess Master Race.
Dear Celestia, it's Pony!North-Korea!