The Cynical Brony: Episode 19: "Short Stories Special!" (Part 1/4)

Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! Have you ever been in the middle of an episode of a T.V show or movie, and no-matter how good the movie is, you just want something a little shorter? I certainly have! Just last week-
Month.
Thanks. Just last- wait, what the Hell are you doing here?
Making sure you don't burn down a building.
... Fair enough. Just last month that happened to me! So, after having to deal with so many long episodes, I've decided I need to just look at short one-shots and opening chapters to longer stories! I'm not following any particular theme with these, they just need to be under 2,010 words long. So, let's begin with a story from a good friend of mine...

THE ALICORN KING'S GLARE!
(Chapter One)

Damn, that title sounds like a badass version of a 60's Batman episode!

*A figure fades onto the screen...*

Hold it right there, you Nostalgia Critic wannabe!
Gah! What the Hell is it with my computer unleashing ponies of unknown power?!
You can't review this story!
Why not?
Because it has alicorn in the title! It has an alicorn OC!
Your point?
Alicorn OCs are always bad!
You sure about that, whoever the Hell you are? Wait... are you Duochey McNitpick?!
Of course not, you rip off! I'm Lord Jackass!
Fitting name. Well then, my examples are Nyx, King Titan, Queen Terra, the Goddess, and Queen Harmony. Do you have a rebuttal?
Er-um-oh, f*ck you!
You too, old buddy old pal. Jesus Christ, am I actually going to get to review?!
Probably not.
NEVER!!!
Of course.

Days like this weren't supposed to happen.

However, nights like this are just fine. So, the story goes on to explain that apparently Shining Armor and Princess Cadence are trying for a baby. Huh, I just realized this is only the SECOND time they've appeared on this show... well, you probably know who they are.

So why? Why did he feel this uneasy?

Because he's in a story with both an alicorn villain OC and a dark tag... those tend to lead to violent deaths.

He was alone in the Crystal Palace's throne room. He had no one to talk to. Cadence had left the Empire to visit his sister.

Taking a walk to consider how this could happen to him, he discovers the ultimate evil in Equestria...
Tierek?
No.
Discord?
No.
The "Glare" guy from the title?
No. Someone far more evil... Flash Sentry! The source of all evil!

Flash had only been in the Guard about a year. Shining armor liked him.... for the most part.

The "A" in armor should be capitalized here.

Shining had always kept things informal, allowed a certain amount of insubordination, but Sentry seemed determined to push Shining's tolerance to it's limit. Whether it was paying other guards to take his shifts for him, fraternizing with some of the female nobility that came to visit....

Or indeed running an illegal betting pool on the outcome of the Equestria Games.

Oh sh*t, the cops know?! Crap, I have to get my money out before they pin me!

But Shining Armor knew that if it ever came down to it, Flash would take an arrow for him. And really that's all that mattered.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter!

Flash leaped with a start. "AH!" He turned around to face his commander. "Oh Cap! Hi, were just-"

Sacrificing babies to Satan!
WHAT!? WHAT THE F*CK?!
Okay, that was a bit much. Sorry.

Shining Armor turned to face the other Guards. "I'm glad I caught you guys together. See if I caught Mr. Sentry ALONE I would have demanded that he divvy the pot up and returning it the people who bet. Since I now know that you all ALSO took part in this pool, however, I'm confiscating the pot for myself. I'd like to thank all of you for contributing. I really don't buy Princess Cadence enough nice things."

That however was perfect.

When the other guards were out of earshot, Flash asked the question he asked all too often.

"Am I court marshaled?"

17 life sentences, 5 death sentences, 20 court marshals, and 10 severe whippings. So, yes, you are.
After a bit of banter, a guard comes up claiming they need all available guards. I assume it has something to do with the fat-ass alicorn on the rather nice cover art.

The Mirror had risen from the ground in town square. Six feet tall, four feet wide. Taller than the average pony. The dirt it dug up around it was smoldering like hot coals. It seemed to be made of pure gold.

Dash, get my blowtorch. We're going to get ourselves some free gold!
I'd rather not get arrested by my friend's brother.
*sigh* Fine, but at least get me the blowtorch!

The frame was covered in insignia. On the top was the Image of a male Alicorn raising the sun. On the side were two female Alicorns moving toward the bottom, where a group of ponies were cowering from the images above them.

Actually, forget the blowtorch. Bring me the crane!
You don't own a crane.
Yes I do-er, I mean, I'm sure I can purchase one.
You stole one, didn't you?
... Yes. But you won't call the cops.
Why not?
Because I own them.
You? Like Hell.
I have the police in my pocket, and friends in high places.
Now I know you're lying, you said you have friends.
Who do you think pays for Mayor Mare's election campaigns, and who votes for her? Wave enough cash and power in anyone's face and they'll start doing favors for you.
Are you serious?
Only as serious as I have to be. Hell, I wouldn't even have to trump up charges to land you in a cell. It's incredible how much you can do if you're in charge the Manehatten Mafia, isn't it? Now then, you're going to walk out that door, and never speak of this again. Agreed?

***

The Mare had a grey coat, a blonde mane and...... interesting eyes.

Could it be...?

"Hooves" the Pegasus responded. "Derpy Hooves."

Derpy! My God, you're still alive! I swear, I'll save you eventually!
With what, you're mob money? Are you going to break Death's kneecaps with a baseball bat?
Quiet you. Anyways, apparently Derpy has had a Hell of a time in this universe, and evil lava-hot gold was just the icing on the cake. She seems to just be a fun cameo. Bye Derpy!
Wait, you think some fan fiction character is one of your partners? You've snapped even harder than I thought, Cynical.
Go to Hell! Anyways, the chapter ends with Shining and Flash calling Canterlot to get back up, and the revelation that this event is yet another old mare's tale. You know, Equestrians should really stop making urban legends, it never works out well for them. Anyways, this chapter is pretty good. It gets you interested in the situation, it has some funny moments, and aside from a few spelling errors, it's written pretty well. I recommend you go check it out. Okay then, onto the next story...

Pinkie's Secret!

Is it the secret that she sucks?
What did you say?!

"Fascinating!" said Twilight, jotting notes in her journal as the potion she was working on hissed and spat purple sparks under the influence of her magic.

Oh my God, she's created a living liquid! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Oh wait, it was just a fancy way of saying it was boiling. We're safe for now. Apparently, she's just making a potion of some kind... wait a minute, that's the damn potion from Double Rainboom! Yeah, it's purple, doesn't have a clear effect, and gets interrupted during its creation! She didn't make a living liquid, but she did make a really damn stupid crossover!

Twilight
I'm afraid I have a matter of grave importance to discuss with you. if convenient, please meet me at Sugar Cube Corner at precisely 7 o'clock this evening. Please do not tell anypony else that you are coming.
Twilight flipped the note over, wondering if there was anymore and read If inconvenient, come anyway
In place of a signature there was a picture of three balloons shaped very much like the cutie mark of a certain pink earth pony.

... Pinkie's being a bit weird. Well, enjoy your night of baking cupcakes, Twilight! I'm sure nothing bad will happen. We cut to seven o'clock, where apparently Twilight is pissed because she spent all her free time fixing her schedule to meet with Pinkie, only to realize that she spent to long planning things. Twilight is the type of person who will calculate the variables of deciding what movie she should watch, isn't she?

"Hi Pinkie!" Said Twilight, pushing open the door and seeing the pink pony sitting at a table.

That was the last thing Twilight saw before her body was riddled and filled with bullets.

"Twilight!" Exclaimed Pinkie, bouncing up and bounding over to Twilight "I'm so glad you're here! I mean, I was worried for a little bit because it passed 7 and you're usually so punctual and I thought you weren't coming but now you're here and-"

"Cupcakes!" Exclaimed Pinkie, producing one from nowhere.

OH GOD NO! WHYWHATWHENWHYDAMNYOUTOHELL! I'M HAVING FLASHBACKS!

***

"Then can you explain how a cupcake-" she suddenly stopped as a wave of dizziness washed over her. "Can you ex-" the world started spinning and she felt to the ground.

I'll refer you to my statement from the Cupcakes review:

You've GOT to be kidding me. There is no drug on Earth or Equestria that can knock someone out in a single bite within 30 seconds. The only way that could happen would be if Pinkie combined a bunch of drugs together, but there's two ways it wouldn't work. 1. If she had that many drugs in her at once, Dash would have died. 2. Even if it didn't kill her, it would look less like a cupcake and more like a pile of pills, syringes, and chloroform filled rags, and Rainbow would immediately be suspicious!

I spent the last 10 minutes having flashbacks, so I remember my review rather clearly.

"Its a matter of your GRAVE importance! Ooh, that was a good one!" Pinkie giggled as Twilight faded into unconsciousness.

Twilight slowly regained consciousness some time later.

Yep, that's me after a particularly lonely night of reviewing. I woke up cleaning a knife in the shower!

As she opened her eyes, the first thing she registered was searing light. She shut her eyes quickly and tried to will the spots away from her vision.

Yep, this is me after a particularly lonely night of heavy alcohol consumption and homicidal rages. Either that or I'm re-reading the first chapter of "Asylum".

Twilight ignored Pinkie and explored her situation with her other senses. She was lying with her back on what felt like a metal table. She was held in place by what felt like leather straps on her legs. She could also smell a very faint coppery smell, suspiciously like dried blood.
Finally, she decided that was all she could figure out without opening her eyes. Slowly, she opened her eyes a crack.

"Hiya Twilight!" Said Pinkie Pie, who was standing in front of Twilight, back lit by a bright light. "We were all wondering when you'd wake up!"

"Pinkie Pie, what is going on?" Asked Twilight, squinting in the harsh light.

Murderizing is happening, Twilight. Murderizing. It's far worse than average murder.

Twilight watched as 5 ponies stepped into the light "Rarity! Rainbow Dash! Applejack, Fluttershy! Help me! Pinkie's gone crazy!"

When the Hell wasn't she crazy?!

Pinkie just giggled "Oh Twilight, don't worry, I just want to talk! You see, I'm not really who I say I am!"

Twilight watched as Pinkie reached into her mane and began unzipping a near invisible zipper. Twilight gasped as the Pinkie Pie suit fell away to reveal...

Pinkie Pie?

"Pinkie Pie, that's a very realistic, umm, disguise, but what-"

"Oh Twilight, I thought you would have figured it out by now!" Said Pinkie, cutting Twilight off "Don't you remember the mirror pond?"

I certainly do. Isn't that right, Cynical army?
SIR YES SIR!
Equestria is going to be fun for the next couple months.

"You sent all the mes back into it! And it's soooo lonely being in a pond! I couldn't let you sentence the poor mes to that fate!"

"You don't mean-" began Twilight

"I knew you were smart Twilight!" Exclaimed Pinkie Pie as Twilight's 4 other 'friends' unzipped themselves to reveal 4 more Pinkie Pies.

"Pinkie Pie, what is going on? Why are you all disguised as our friends?"

Don't you remember the Crystal Empire, and the utter terror of Pinkie's Fluttershy suit?!

"We're not dressed as OUR friends" said Pinkie "We're dressed as your friends!" At this, the other 4 Pinkie's nodded "You see, all of you," continued Pinkie "wanted to get rid of us, which made us soooo sad! I mean, all we wanted to do was have fun! Even Pinkie here wanted to get rid of us." Said Pinkie, nudging the Pinkie suit at her feet "So we came up with a way we could stay here and have fun!" She finished, bouncing with excitement.

Wait... why did she nudge the suit... oh God... no...

"Pinkie Pie" said Twilight nervously "You can't mean-"

"Oh but she does!" Said the Fluttershy Pinkie.

"We decided to replace you!" The Applejack Pinkie said with a smile.

"These body suits are so fashionable-" began the Rarity Pinkie.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
This is a terrifying concept! I'm not kidding, this legitimately spooked me the first time I read it! It's rare when you find a good horror story on this site.

"That they make us twenty percent cooler!" Finished the Rainbow Dash Pinkie.

You imposter bitch! What did you do with the real Rainbow Dash?!
What are you talking about- OW! STOP PUNCHING ME, YOU IDIOT!

STOP SHOOTING AT ME!

***

...Good news: Rainbow Dash is not Pinkie in a disguise... bad news, she broke every bone in my body... However, I'll finish the review.

"And now its my turn!" Cried the fifth pony, jumping into the light to reveal yet another Pinkie.

"Pinkies, you're crazy!" Shouted Twilight, tugging at the straps.

"We're not crazy!" Said all but the Pinkie Pinkie in unison, pulling out razor sharp medical scalpels and advancing on the struggling Twilight "We're Pinkie!"

"Remember girls, keep her intact or we can't use her!" Said the Pinkie Pinkie, watching as the other five descended on the struggling Twilight like piranhas.

"Oh, this is going to be so much fun!" Exclaimed the last Pinkie as she made the first incision, adding Twilight's screams to the shouts of "Fun! Fun! Fun!" From the other Pinkies

JESUS! Anyways, this story is great. It's entertaining, frightening, surprising, and doesn't have many spelling errors from what I saw. Go read it! Next!