Story Reviews » Reviews! Round Eleventy-Six · 1:09am Apr 2nd, 2015
Seattle's Angels is a group that are well known for their love of shrimp. You can find us at your local Ikea, hiding in the cupboard section.
RazgrizS57 skipped his merry way down the hall, hands clutching a manilla folder full of loose leaf papers to his chest. It was the first time the Angels had entrusted him with the responsibility of organizing a review round, and he wasn’t going to let them down. No, sir! He took great care in gathering each and every review from the others. Surprisingly, they had all seemed excessively cheery and enthusiastic about getting this round out. Except Corejo and Csquared. Cause they were both butts and didn’t fill in their template forms. Oh well. No skin of his nose. The boss man alex would take care of that.
He turned the corner to head for the mail room, a chipper whistle to the tune of Winter Wrap Up on his lips. The door swung open at his push, and he flipped on the light, fishing out a rubber band from his pocket. He made it halfway across the room before looking up to see a banner hanging above the deposit chute and the two block green words it sneered in his face. Razgriz’ jaw dropped to the floor, as did the folder from his arms. The papers spilled outward like water from a pitcher, and when they fell still a camera sitting above the banner snapped a picture, immortalizing the look on his face and the reviews for the world to see.
Upon stumbling into a particularly deep puddle, Megan finds herself in Equestria and in the hooves of the most beautiful mare she’d ever seen. Not that she was into horses or anything. That’s just weird.
To be completely honest, I was a bit wary of this fic at first because it’s your basic “anon goes to Equestria and marries Trixie” fic, but then I realized it was a fic about Trixie and so I threw all pretext of judging quality out the window and here we are. There are no words to describe the majesty of this beautiful work of art. Just go read it, and then read it again for good measure.
STORY 3
Bland Shape, by Mitochondria
In the bland shape, nopony can hear you seeing if you can taste the smell of what you feel like is in there.
__________________▄▄▄█████████▄▄▄▄
______________▄██ I daresay there have ████▄▄
___________▄█ been a not insignificant number of ███▄
________▓▄█ stories in this fandom that █████████████▄
________▓▓▓ have relied on some ████ special formatting ██▄
_______█▓░░▓▓ tricks (color ███ text being a favorite) so as to █▄
_______█▒▓░▓░▓▓ stand ██ out. I'd say ████ Mitochondria's Bland █▄
________█▒▓▓░░░▓▓▓▒█ Shape is ██ a downright excellent example █▄__▓▓
_________█▒▓░░░░▓░░▓ of this ██ kind █████ of fic. You'll definitely █▓▓▓
__________█▒▓░░▓░░░░▓ have █ to ██ read ███ it to experience ▓░░░▓
______▄▄▄▄_█▒▓▓░░░░░▓░▓it█ right,█ but █in lieu ██of that, I'll say ▓░░░░░▓
___▄█ that ███▒▓░░░░▓░░░█ every█ word █ in ██ this story ▓░░░░░░░▓
__█ is █used██ to▓░░▓░░███ paint █ a █ dark █ picture ▓░░░░░░░░░▓
_█ of a █ man █who's▓▓░███░█ pushed ███ to his██ limit. In a ▓░░░░░░░▓░░▓█▄
_█scant █few█scenes████▓█░░▓█ a character is █░░███████░░░░░░░░▓░░▓▒██▄
__█ intro-███duced█▓▓▓█░░▓░░████ and ██░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▓░░▓ then █▄
___██ effectively █▓██░▓▓░░░░░░░░████░░░░░░░▄░░░░░░░░░░░░░▓░░▓ broken,█
______██ and it's████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄▀░░░░░░░░░░░░▓░░░▓ a sight to█
_________▀▀▀▀▀_▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▄▀░░▄░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▓ behold. As █
_________________▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░░▄▀____________▀▄░▄▀░░░░░░░░░░░░░▓ for mechanics,█
________________▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░▄█▓▓▓▓▓▓________█▀░░░░░░░████░░░▓I'm█ happy to █
________________▓▓░░░░░░░░░░█▓▓███▓▓▓▓_______█░▄▄░░██say that█░░▓▒█ this fic is █
________________▓▓░░░░░░░░░▓████_______▓▓______▀▀░░░█ just shy of █░▓█ perfection, █
________________▓▓░░░░░░░░░████▌________▓▓_____░░░░█ and I never say █ that lightly. █
________________▓▓░░░░░░░░█████▌________▓▓▓____░░░█ Apart █ from █ a single typo, I █
_________________▓▓░░░░░░░██████▄______█▓▓▓___░░░░█ can't █████ say there was █
_________________▓▓░░░░░░░█████▀██▄▄▄█▓▓▓___░░░░░█ anything that broke my █
________________▓▓▓░░░░░░░███▌___▐████▓▓▓__░░░░░░░█ immersion in this work of█
_____________▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░██████████▓▓▓__░░░░░░░░░██ art. Again I'll call up██
____________▓░░░▄░░░░░░░░░░████████▓▓▓_░░░░░░░░░░░░███ bronydom's █▓█
____________▓░░▀░░░░░▄█▄░░░░█████▓▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░░░███recent love███ of█
_____________▓░░░░░░░░█░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░██ stories ███ with █
______________▓░░░░░░██░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░██ odd ███ formats. █
_______________▓▓░░▄█▀░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░██We've█ even ███████
_________________▓▓▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▓█ seen █ it ██ win first █
______________________▓▓▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▓▓▓█ place█ in a ██ big contest, █
____________________________▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓______█ of █ course.██ Let me set you █
_______________________________________________________█ at█ ease █about█Bland Shape,█
______________________________________________________█▒█ though: ████ the author, █
_______________________________________________________██ Mitochondria, has more █
________________________________________________________▀█ than transcended a █▀
__________________________________________________________▀█ mere gimmick. ██▀
_____________________________________________________________▀▀██████▀▀
Pinkie Pie discovers that cutie marks hold an untapped potential, awakened only when they are pressed together with rapid force. Of course, this means everypony simply must start slapping butts together.
And they do.
COMMENCE ZE BUTTENSLAPPEN!
Every once in a while, a piece of literature turns up which just knocks its readers’ socks off, which is a pain for the involved socks, given they were likely perfectly comfortable where they were. Oh, the sacrifices we make. Seriously, do you know how much the average sock goes through in their lifetime? I’m not just talking about the number of times they go through the wash; I’m talking about the real deep stuff. The stuff you don’t think about, but nonetheless happens every day between your toes. The stuff that lives only in the dark of the very tip of a shoe, or the slumbering black of a closed drawer. The maddening closeness, the heat and sweat, the agony of torn threads. It is silence—abysmal, abyssal silence—bathed in horror, unceasing. The quiet which gnaws at the soul until its very essence is left begging, begging for the sweet release only death, in its infinite majesty, can afford and yet cannot grant, until the only recourse is in penitent submission, to settle amongst the dripping madness and lay oneself down—mauled, weeping, and still.
Anyway, I digress. This story is about slapping butts. Together. To infinity.
It all kicks off when Pinkie Pie, homicidally peppy individual that she is, makes a curious new discovery concerning the nature of cutie marks. It’s well-established that the magic-filled pictograms hold a unique and special power, but what’s even more remarkable is the fact that they function cooperatively. As Pinkie discovers through a slapstick altercation in Sugarcube Corner, involving a sack of flour, two ladles, and a crate of crawfish fresh from the southern swamps of Equestria as gifted to her by Sven the Salty, bumping butt-marks together can produce strange and mystical properties.
Naturally, this results in the complete destruction of the bakery, which in turn results in Twilight swooping in to try and figure out what in the name of Cerberus's triplicate nether-regions just happened (those are the author’s words, not mine). Upon learning the cause, she immediately sets about testing the boundaries of this newfound phenomenon. Science wills it! I won’t spoil the result of said experiments, but suffice it to say that globe-spanning butt power is something the globe itself can scarcely contain.
What makes this story work, I think, is the sheer amount of ways the author uses to describe the various rumps which inhabit the narrative. There are about as many ways of describing the butts as there are colors of them, which, if you’ve even glanced at a screencap from the show, is, like, a lot. And the author ensures no behind is left behind; I was amazed by the attention to detail in the final act, as he systematically describes the order in which everyone in Equestria bumps marks down to the last background pony.
Even more impressive, however, is the fact that, rather than feeling like the pages-long schlock it so obviously is, it maintains an arresting prose style which keeps the reader invested all throughout. In fact, I’d say that well describes the fic in its entirety, as the writing never seems to butt into the back-end of poor quality. Quite a feat for a mere 8,077 words.
In conclusion, this is one to sit down and read, no “but’s” about it.
An exploration in dialogue of a spasmic persuasion.
I want to preface this review by saying that everything about this story makes sense. Everything. From the curiously short summary to the lack of a cover image, every single element of this story works towards the theme it presents. So masterful is the craftsmanship that we’re reviewing it today despite it not having very much pony in it. Yes, for some, it’s hard to accept if a story has little drawing on canon Equestria or its inhabitants, but it’s the exploration of and beyond the boundaries that inspire the most unique works - which is, funnily enough, what the story is about.
Right off the bat we’re treated to a heavy topic: how “I” realizes he has contracted a fatal disease due to the malicious actions of a performer one night, despite his best efforts to avoid so. He attempts to come to terms with it by writing - personal letters filled with anguish, angry outbursts to the wind, even roleplaying fiction - but when others start plagiarizing his words, he has to fight to protect ownership.
The plotting is definitely the highlight. There’s humour, from harmless wordplays to surprisingly dark jokes. There’s action as he faces the pleb test, and questions whether or not he is actually never lucky. There’s even a steamy scene which turns out to be just the Tucking of Frump. There’s tragedy, as the protagonist’s parents are driven to work in Romanian coal mines, even becoming prosterino on streets of Moscow and must let Ruski swine pound her for potato money.
The writing is, well, trippy, to say the least, as if the point of the story was just an exercise in all the different ways to approach prose. Random squiggles are inserted at the end of sentences, not as an accident, but a very much deliberate stumbling block: what, really, is the value of text sans context? ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ
Of course I’d have some excerpts to show you, but after reading that I was convicted, that I would never again copy pasterino frappa cappucino dongeino bolerino pochorino bongorino
[img]STORY_IMAGE_URL[/img]
STORY 6
[url=STORY_URL]Story Name, by Story Author
Story description
YOUR REVIEW GOES RIGHT HERE
IN THIS SPACE
STORY 7
The 5k, by iFlyBy
Rainbow Dash enters a 5k.
“If there’s one thing that I dislike about fanfiction—”
We’re sorry. That’s all we got from the transmission. Looks like CSquared died on the way back to her home planet.
On a bright day filled with even brighter magics, a reasonable cult attempts to give Daydream Sun a body and life of her own, completely integrated with Princess Celestia. But, when the spell is interrupted by Luna, something expected is created.
It has been approximately thirty days since I found myself in this dark little room, this pungently personal penitentiary in which I have been placed, perhaps pending punishments prolific and profane. I have taken to writing down what little I have experienced here to fend off the creeping madness that must surely afflict me, for it cannot be possible that a squirrel should talk, nor a sock make such rude gestures in so coherent a manner.
They tell me I should be reading the ream of paper stacked neatly at one side of a desk beneath a single blinding spotlight, then retreat from the room to whatever nest they must surely inhabit. Every morning the tell me, and again in the evening; the sock is particularly forthright in his urgings that I read. Why should I read? What purpose is there in it?
The text is dense and foreboding; dull, lacking of wit and life and colour; contradictory and trite. After two pages I cast it aside, and have since amused myself by taking the many sharp implements scattered about the floor of this stone-walled sanctuary of the damned and cutting the pages into words and letters, and crafting them into new and amusing forms and shapes, which I then plaster across the walls using a paste crudely fashioned from the spaghetti sauce and pasta spilled through a hole in the door at each noon, that I suppose I am expected to consume. I have instead kept it in my pockets.
The sock is here again, goggling his eyes and issuing promises of harm if I don't read. I laugh and throw another paper plane at him, laden with meatballs.
I miss my gin.
Cawtion
It’s well known that Pegasi are a multinational group of birdhorses that design and sell ready-to-assemble furniture (such as beds, chairs and desks), appliances, small motor vehicles and home accessories. As of January 2008, they are the world's largest furniture retailer. Founded in Whitby in 4000AD by then-17-year-old Swirlstar the Bald, who was listed as one of the world's richest ponies at the time, the group’s business stratergy is actually part of a secret Illuminati plot that revolves around filling all houses with easily dismantleable furniture. The birdhorses are known for their modern architectural designs for various types of appliances and furniture, and its interior design work is often associated with an eco-friendly simplicity. In addition, they’re known for their attention to cost control, operational details, and continuous product development, corporate attributes that allowed Pegasi to lower their prices by an average of two to three percent over the decade to 2010 during a period of global expansion. The ponies have a complex corporate structure and is controlled by several foundations based in the Neightherlands, Luxembuck and HorsePlace#3.
As of December 2014, Gulls own and operate 351 stores in 46 countries. In fiscal year 2010, US$23.1 billion worth of goods were sold, a total that represented a 7.7 percent increase over 2009. The Gulls website contains about 12,000 pictures of nests, and is the closest representation of the entire range of birds known to man. There were over 470 million visitors to the Grand Roost in Luxembourg during the year from September 2007 to September 2008. The company is responsible for approximately 100% of all clothes ruined by bird poop.
tɥis is my frst story ok pleas dont be mean, im only 13 be kind andgentle and compliments welcome xdddd. bɐsic ally its aboot RAINBOW DASH and he awesme advenues though ponyvᴉlle; one day evil satan-king ˥ord (htats him i in th cov art!!!!! :ddddd) comes from heck and strats attacking all the ponys airboatϛ and rɐinbow Dash gone to fight him in awesome air combat becuze she es an awesom fighʇr and totally kicks his butts lik a herro, the cloudss ar on fire ɐnd is cool trust me k just read nd fiud out!!!! :)))))) 
When a tiny red squirrel can’t find his nuts, he faces a really big world to find them again.
After five years or so of pony, finding new ideas is hard. We’ve all been over the basics: Mane Six/OC romance, Human in Equestria, Vinyltavia, Princess Celestia Hiding a Big Secret, Pinkamena goes crazy and murders everypony… is there anything new under the sun? Can the collective subconsciousness of bronies deliver something truly unique? I know that we squirrels have been yearning for such a thing.
Well today, FIM Fic delivered.
Ladies and gentlemen, A Red Squirrel Scampers West is perhaps the titan of literature we’ve all been waiting for. The florid descriptions of a tiny squirrel’s epic journey across Fluttershy’s backyard—all the way to the edge of the fence in front of the Everfree Forest and beyond!—left me spewing acorns from the sheer vastness, the mythicality of what I was reading. Squirrels everywhere have wondered: What if a squirrel managed to make that harrowing quest? What if he forgot not just one of his nuts, but all of them, at the same time, and was left with no choice but to wander aimlessly and attack the ears of passers-by (especially his antagonist/frenemy Angel Bunny) until he found more? What would he find there? Can anyone actually make an interesting story about such an inane thing? If you, as a squirrel brony, wanted to know the squirrel answers to these squirrel questions, this is the squirrel story for you.
I can truly say without reservation that such an idea—combining a noun with a verb as the title without describing the story so you have no choice but to read it—has never been done before, especially by me, and it is a hook I only wish I’d thought of. Surely everything is turning up peaches in this squirrel author’s squirrel life; he’s managed to button up this story until it’s so presentable you just want to make a cup of tea and some cupcakes with it. You won’t just be taking a little dash through this guided tour of worldbuilding—this story will linger. Oh, it will linger.
Squirrels can only be left in squirrel jaw-dropped wonder at what has been squirrel accomplished here squirrel. The squirrel author who wrote this squirrel story should squirrel be proud squirrel, as the depth of squirrel characterization of its squirrel characters, the power in its squirrel exposition, is something even the most squirrel-hearted of squirrels will admire squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel, squirrel none of the squirrel squirrel chaff squirrel squirrel to write this epic. Squirrel squirrel outside the box squirrel squirrel squirrel, to squirrel squirrel and squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel. Squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel. Squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel. Squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel.
Squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrelsquirrelsquirrelsquirrelsquirrelsquirrelsquirr
STORY 12
The Cat-Snake, by The Cat-Snake
Ferrets.
STORY 13
Chafing Snow, by RuBron7
"It's better to live on your hooves than die on your knees."
Coco Pommel has lived by those words all of her life, but when the challenge to change the world around her surfaces, will she risk it all to do the right thing?
There is seldom an opportunity to find real hidden gems in fan fiction, and when it happens, it will drag even me out of my little hidden cabinet where I plot the demise of SA and into the light, where I must speak and say stuff about other people's stories that is positive.
Seriously though Chafing Snow by RuBron7 is a unique story, full of the perfect balance of grit and reality with the pony that makes it feel surreal in how it reflects our dreary reality. Even from the cover-art we can tell that RubRon7 has more in mind than what might be expected of the regular Fimfic user.
In a way, it reminds me of Russian fiction, reminiscent of the work of Yevgeny Zamyatin in how it portrays the harsh reality of an overpowering government, taking away the freedom from the people and making conformity a much more sinister thing than simple acceptance of society roles. Who couldn't draw a parallel between Celestia's 'chambers' with the see-through walls of the units where people would live under constant control and peer surveillance?
Of course there's a touch of other fiction there... I feel that clearly the author had some influence from Tolstoy as well... the story of our heroine's role as a freedom fighter is clearly an allusion to War and Peace. While we cannot honestly say that it's the same level of involvement, there is a very ambitious backstory and interaction with friends, enemies and yes, comrades-in-arms.
However, our heroine, Coco Pommel, contradicts the trope, also making us think of something Boris Pasternak might have wrote too—it's clear that her role is symbolic of much more than unrest; her skills as a designer tie her strongly to the rise of the middle-class, while her alienation of the upper echelons of society (Fleur, Suri) in favor of the poor and under-dressed (Sweetie Belle, Babs) reflects Zhivago's own struggle with his identity as a Doctor (upper) and Poet (poor). This distinction is obviously intended to tie into the identity of a changing Equestria: It's not just about fighting the good fight; it's about fighting for a cause that is personal, emotional and bigger than the self.
Later that day, the Angels found a sticky note stuck to the control room door; it read: “I seriously hate all of you.”
Feel free to visit our group for more information and events, and to offer some recommendations for future rounds. See you all next time!
media.giphy.com/media/x6VshlJ9tgyLC/giphy.gif
Aww yiss.
Happy April Fool's!
Seems legit.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2934514 About as legit as you can do this:
static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Eyebrow+walk+_b97a5f_3258279.gif
~Leonzilla
Fun fact: In some circles, the cat-snake is called the "stretch rat."
RED SKWERL GOES WEST
Finally! It came!
And so did I
Oh ho ho... Oh... Hahahahahahaha.... Oh, no. Holy freaking God.
You guys are getting pretty maudlin.
Hey now! My ship blew up on the way to my home planet!
2934725
Death is no excuse
2934771
That is a fair point. This will be the, what, fifth time I've come back from being dead?
That said, these things take time, man. It's not easy to find all your parts and stick 'em back together. And if you're missing just one, you gotta keep looking 'til you find it. It's rough.
2934775
You're that one guy from Neverdead! I knew it!
I remember the first time I read Story Name. My heart broke when Main Character lost Love Interest, and then Villain kicked off the whole thing involving Secondary Plot and Comedic Sidekick really got to shine. And the feels when Plot Wrapup happened....
11/10. Praise goes here.
Omg they reviewed my story yes finally I deserve this so hard
2934775
So let me get this straight. You've been an alicorn princess. You've been a helicoprion
of indeterminate gender. There have been strange rumors that you're actually a human male (absurd, right?). Also, you might be a hypotenuse. And now you're an alien.Sometimes I don't even know what you are anymore. And sometimes I wonder if you even know what you are anymore.
On second thought, that would explain a lot.
The scary thing is that I recognized a good majority of the stories that they were parodying... although a couple were just plain obvious.
2934855
It was an honor to have read it. I can only hope that others will be inspired to as well.
2934871 He's actually the British queen mum. but we try to keep it quiet.
2934924
FERRET
DON'T TELL THEM MY SECRETS
Some great reviews. I was really looking forward to a review of A, though. When are you going to do that one?
2934924
2934938
I see that.
I applaud Major Asbern. It isn't easy to typo non-English characters.
It's interesting to see each reviewer's unique style of parody. Bravo for the ones who really went all-out on their contribution!
God, guys. Worst interview ever. Instead of piercing questions like whose butt is cutest, we get this pablum like "Holy crap, did 2934725 survive?" And don't even get me started on the story selection. Why didn't you run the selections past the Secret Reviewer Cabal Central Committee? I didn't upvote a single one of those.
Except for the one about ferrets. I liked the cover art.
2934974
Sorry, the Secret Reviewer Cabal is no longer Elite enough. We don't associate with plebeians.
2934981
THE MAN CAN'T KEEP ME DOWN
I WILL EVADE YOUR BANS
YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU SPURNED ME FROM THE SACRED GATEKEEPERS OF PONYFIC
I'm not gonna lie, the giant Sweetie face was pretty impressive.
The only thing that lingers in my memory after this astonishingly massive literary dump is something about Jean—
...uh...what was his name...it was Patrick Stewart...
Jean...
2935243 Luc
2935249 Thank-you.
Jean Luc Picard.
Pfffff. All the story links are so silly.
2935251
The least they could've done is drop the full deal and not just the YTMND clip,
Y'know, if that squirrel scampers far enough going West, it's going to find itself in the East.
Just saying.
+10 for ASCII art! Oh, the memories of the Okidata ML-80 and those f
rking ribbons. So much cleaner these days.
I do fear that many of these will act as prompts, and soon the Feature Box will be filled with even more butts and squirrel epics, although the latter have been missing of late.
Good show to all!
Oh, so that's what happened to Archonix. Dang it, I have a Passover seder tomorrow, the season premiere the day after, and a card blog the day after that. How am I supposed to fit a daring raid on the Angels' compound into my schedule?
Is it weird that I would actually like to read some of these (Bland Shape [because of that awesome Sweetie Belle], Story Name [because I actually thought of writing one with that title - it's a pretty funny title], A Red Squirrel Scampers West [because a story about a squirrel in Fluttershy's backyard would be awesome])? I know this is parodying clichés, but still!
2936047 Why do you think that's when we planned it?
2936047
2936412
I blame Pav.
2936412
You fiends!
2935761
It is a story that needs to be told.
All this time, I was wondering when you were going to rickroll us.
I am disappoint.
I mean, at least YouTube Darude-Sandstorm'd us this year.
Though I did get to see that "Banned from FIMFiction" video I was avoiding, so thanks for that, I guess.
2937198
Wololo
The hell happened to the formatting of this review round?! Mods, don't post when drunk!
2938702
Are you, by any chance, on mobile? And referring to Burraku_Pansa's post?
If that's the case, I highly recommend you check this page in a non-mobile format