PTEK For Busy People · 4:47pm Mar 27th, 2015
User Lab wrote a Pony Transformation Emergency Kit: a list of preparations to make in case you suddenly transform into a pony. But let’s face it: you are too lazy to actually purchase a universal cuff in case you someday morph into the body of Fluttershy. Besides, your attic is already filled with zombie survival and vampire killer materials. What to do, when you inevitably transform into an unprepared pastel horse?
If you’re reading this, I assume that you’ve already turned into a pony, you didn’t follow the linked PTEK, and you need help fast. This guide will get you from Day 1 to long-term safety.
Technology
First of all, congratulations on navigating to this guide using your hooves.
You can operate touchscreens with your tongue, if nothing else. iPhones have a microphone button on the keyboard; if you can hit that once then you can say the rest of what you want to type. I wrote this entire paragraph using my tongue on an iPhone and it was easy.
I don’t know about other smartphones. Commenters, feel free to fill this gaping hole in the guide.
Allies
Maybe you’re the only pony on Earth, maybe there are six thousand. Email Equestria Daily (at Submit@equestriadaily.com). Equestria Daily is the central hub of the fandom, and they could give you an easy way to connect with other ponies. You can also email me (at linyks@gmail.com), but I'm probably not geographically close enough to help. Hub sites like EQD are more likely to get you allies who can reach you.
If at all possible, include evidence. If you have a smartphone, you are winning the game of life. Record a video of yourself doing something hard to animate, such as splashing in water. You can also say that, if the recipient replies with a reasonable photo/video request, you will respond with one faster than even Pixar could animate it.
If you can only send text, proof is next to impossible. I suggest an extremely respectful tone. Do not joke around or use wishy-washy language. Example:
I don’t expect you to believe this, but I have transformed into a pony. I cannot survive alone. If anyone else emails you with the same problem, please forward my email address along to them. Until I find a way to provide proof, I can’t ask you to do anything else. Thank you so much.
Add details as appropriate. Even if you do have photo/video proof, the above is a good template for your first email.
Food
Only had meat in the fridge? Bad luck. Fortunately for you, horses can eat grass. You may have to resort to a 3 AM trip to the neighbor’s lawn. The show indicates that ponies can eat anything vegetarian. Stuck in the city? Try ordering delivery food. Slip the money/credit card under the door and tell the delivery person to leave the food outside. Adding a tip can erase questions. Even better (and cheaper), order from a grocery delivery site, or order nonperishable food from a generic delivery site like Amazon.
Worst-Case Scenarios
(1) You’re running out of food/money, and you can’t find any allies who can meet you in real life. In this case, reveal yourself to your neighbor. Bring evidence that you are who you say you are and not a killer alien from outer space. Even if your neighbor hates MLP, they will probably help you somehow. Analogy: a naked mole rat knocks on your door carrying your neighbor’s stamp collection, and says “Hello.” You’d give them a carrot, right?
(2) The government knows about you, and may be hostile. In this case, make sure the whole world knows about you. Prance through the streets! Get people to film you on their phones. If you’re locked in a padded cell, you want protesters lining up at the door.
Pegasus Master Race
If you’re a pegasus, congratulations. You have unlocked Easy Mode. You can travel long distances without being seen, making it infinitely easier to meet up with allies. You have an instant escape rope from messy confrontations.
Learn what your neighborhood looks like from above. If possible, secure a smartphone to your body. You do not want to get lost.
Start an exercise routine to train your wings. Facing downwards while flying is more aerodynamic probably.
That’s It
Hardly comprehensive, but this guide should get you to a semipermanent safe place with at least one ally - hopefully at least one human ally. After that, you can let time drip through your hooves as you plan your next move.
Ironically, if you hole yourself up in a hideout, ennui may become your biggest problem. Invent games and keep a diary to combat depression. Look forward to the moment when you can finally reveal yourself to the public, and your FiMFiction blog gets 7 billion followers.
