More on Discord's Guide to Draconequui · 5:50pm Mar 12th, 2015
So in the last piece I published on this blog, Princess Twilight Sparkle's preface to Discord's magnum opus here, I established that according to Twilight, this work is filled with words, most of which are in sentences that are syntactically accurate. Here's some of the actual work that she's talking about, though I still feel as if I need to write more of it before I could publish it as a story. (It's over 1000 words now so I technically could, but I need to come up with some more outrageous lies to fully establish the pattern here.)
This is sort of the R-rated version of Discord dad-trolling, except that he's doing it in a book that's been published through Twilight's Friendship Outreach and is available throughout Equestria.
When ponies contemplate the question of draconequui, usually while staring at the magnificent statue that I used to be and asking their teachers “Did such amazing creatures ever really exist?” and “If that’s supposed to be the Spirit of Disharmony, why do I feel an overwhelming urge to nibble on its neck?” (generally this part came from teenaged or college-aged ponies; the younger sorts were much more likely to simply fight with each other over who got to stand closest to my pedestal), they have generally assumed three things to be true which are in fact not: that all draconequui had forms as wondrously replete with the body parts and abilities of other animals as I do, that draconequui were naturally chaotic creatures, and that we all died out because of some sort of natural disaster.
None of these things could be further from the truth! In fact, the term “draconequus” means “dragon pony”, and that’s exactly what a pure draconequus was. My ancestors had the heads and upper bodies of unicorns, and the limbs and lower bodies of dragons. (Logically you would think that from this order of body parts you would be more inclined to refer to us as “equudracons”, or something like that, but our language was written front to back, you see, so for us, the right side of the word is the head end, and thus “draconequus” is correct.) So I’m sure you’re asking yourself why I am so astonishingly varied and original-looking if my ancestors were merely boring dragon ponies. This pertains deeply to the issue of why there are no longer any draconequui but moi in the world.
The truth is, and I blush to admit it… we were much too sexy for our own good. Draconequui exerted a sort of sensual animal magnetism that made us virtually irresistible to other races, particularly our originator species, dragons and ponies. Now, I don’t mean to imply by this either that we were predators imposing some sort of erotic mind control on other beings, or that we were hapless victims of our own desirability, taken as concubines and treated as lovely, expensive prizes; no, no, our relations with other species were entirely mutual and pleasurable for both parties in any given act of congress. Our nature was to be open, friendly, and thoroughly amenable to the suggestion of joint endeavors in ecstasy; we had not a single xenophobic bone in our bodies. Draconequui were masters of the art of love, for we loved others for who they were, not what species they belonged to, and as a result, we interbred with every other species on the Equestrian continent, plus several others.
It was not uncommon for draconequui to mate with deer, goats, griffins, reindeer, cows, sheep, or really, any other species capable of whispering sweet nothings into our ears. Children of such matings were considered to be full draconequui, never disregarded or treated as lesser for having traits of other species. This is, of course, where I come from. While culturally I am a full draconequus, as were any of our children born to draconequus parents, genetically I have ancestry from several other species. Inasmuch as there was a standard template that defined “draconequus”, it was a more traditional chimeric type, similar to pegasi, griffins or minotaurs in being two creatures’ traits combined, but since we were happy to embrace any of our children regardless of how many racial traits they carried from other species, unlike ponies who are quite rigid and unaccepting of any sort of variation, we acquired a reputation for being conglomerations of the traits of multiple animals.
However, in the end, this was our downfall. Unlike interbreeding with unrelated species, our conjugal relations with dragons or ponies tended to produce draconequui who more strongly resembled their other parent. And as ponies claimed more and more of this continent, our unbearable sexiness and habits of free love led us to interbreed with ponies. Quite a lot. In fact, I’d hazard to say that if you go back far enough, nearly every pony in Equestria has at least one draconequus ancestor. But since the child of a draconequus and a pony looked more like a pony than a draconequus, they tended to be more inclined to seek love with other ponies, who, being as common as grass around here, were much easier to meet and mate with than fellow draconequui were. We produced few children, and though we treasured every one of them, it didn’t change the fact that ponies simply outpopulated us. And by outpopulating us, they made themselves more available for mutual nightly enjoyment than other draconequui, as of course we didn’t mate with our siblings and the nearest unrelated draconequus might be miles away… miles full of very attractive ponies who were very interested in us.
Thus, the draconequui didn’t die out so much as that we bred out, engaging in so many delightful mating arrangements with ponies that eventually, all of our children simply looked like ponies. In the end we were victims of our own irresistible attractiveness. Aside from myself, draconequui weren’t immortal, so all of the ones who still looked like draconequui eventually died of old age, surrounded by dozens of loving grandchildren who happened to be ponies. But our genes live on within ponykind, so every so often you might find that a random child is born to two perfectly normal-looking ponies who has draconequus traits. Ponies being the extreme xenophobes that you are, obsessed with order and categorization and tradition and the Proper Way of Things, I imagine that in the past most such children met with sad fates quite early in their lives. However, I have great hope that now that Equestria has a Princess of Friendship, and the Crystal Empire has returned and is ruled by a Princess of Love, ponies will come to embrace the ways of friendship and love, get over themselves, and be willing to accept foals born of unusual appearance, and relations between ponies and those who are not ponies. For any ponies who would like to discuss my theories on this matter in more detail, perhaps in a more private setting than a library or bookstore, I can be reached through the regular mail service; simply send letters to the Palace of Friendship, Ponyville, attention Discord, and I assure you I will get your letters. Do include photographs.
The best part? This explains Pinkie Pie. Entirely incorrectly, of course, but the hypothesis fits the facts. I wonder if that tempts Twilight to at least acknowledge this as possible.
bahahaha
Oh he does think highly of himself, our Discord.
(*snerk*)
Lmao. Oh god, this is to good.
I can't.
One thing I always like to do when Discord does anything is internally speculate on how his actions, no matter how seemingly random, might serve some kind of agenda or ulterior motive, alongside the surface reason of being amusing to him (unless Discord amusing himself is itself the ulterior motive).
In the case of writing this, I think the secret intent was to sow massive paranoia amongst the more xenophobic ponies. Truly a most hilarious goal, if that was indeed the case, and I can only hope that he succeeded.
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Paranoia in xenophobic and gullible ponies, shame in liberal and gullible ponies, confusion in less gullible ponies who don't know what part of this pack of lies might actually be true but are at least aware that most of it isn't, and maybe one or two attractive ponies will actually send him a photograph. :-)
Later he's going to claim to be a princess. A male princess. No, not a prince, a male princess. :-)
I think his primary motivation for writing this thing, however, is to mess with Twilight, who asked him to do it in the first place.
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Twilight is going half-insane over this thing because she knows that most of it is lies, and some of it is true... but she doesn't know which is which.
Which is why she states in her preface that it contains many words, and that if you read it, you can definitely say you have read it. :-)