Sunset Review Mini-Group: Dear Diary: Mutual Interests [Chapters 1-5] · 3:22am Mar 9th, 2015
Today's fic: Mutual Interests by Spirit Shift. I read the first 6 chapters (1-5, plus chapter 3.5) of this story on 3/8/2015 which, at the time, consisted of 12,745 words. I will endeavor to continue reading this tale (which is complete and totals 21 chapters).
I have a chain of consciousness stream below but I wanted to start with my overall impressions of the story. Some of the overall thoughts will be repeated in the chapter-by-chapter reviews.
Overall (as of chapter 5)
This story starts off rough. Very rough. But it steadily improves in writing technique and in general form. There are still flat jokes and some painful prose at times, but it's getting quickly better after 5 chapters, I'm hopeful that by the end it's even more improved.
It's important to note that being coy is rarely appreciated by readers. They want to know what is going on all the time and if they're confused, they want to be confused because a situation has surprised the characters. A good story should never let the readers get lost or confused or be wondering what on earth is happening. The beginning dream sequence of chapter two is a great example of 'what on earth is happening' going on far too long to rely on the charity of your readers. It's only the second chapter, after all. You haven't earned enough trust by that point.
I realize that there is a desire for suspense and reveal, but this has to be organic to the tale to be effective and can't be the result of a sudden shift in perspective or main character unless that shift has been sufficiently telegraphed. As later chapters show, you are becoming good with your prose, so you should rely on it fully instead of clever writing tricks.
Sunset here is strangely static. She exists, she is annoyed, she does what she is told, and then she returns to initial state. Until Chapter 5, we see her exercise very little initiative at all and even then, the biggest thing she does is turn down an offer to stay at the house.
With respect to everyone else, I get the feeling of a 'Ten Little Indians' situation, though markedly less morbid. Each of the main characters takes a swing at trying to get Sunset to open up but they all generally fail. By the time we get to Rarity we're expecting this to go poorly and just waiting for it to happen. The fact that it is going passively well is a nice surprise, but, again, Sunset is doing very little but sitting and reading, so there hasn't been much for Sunset to rebel against.
Also, this is a nitpick but the synopsis refers to Sunset as a "solitary recluse" which is sort of redundant. Recluse pretty much sums it up.
This is only a review of the first 5 chapters, so I'm sure some of the things above have been addressed, but this is what I'm thinking at this point in the story. If you've improved significantly since this point it might be worth it to come back here to the beginning and touch all this up so as not to alienate new readers too early.
Chapter 1
I literally have no idea where we are. All I know is that there is a table and Rarity's friends are there. We could be in Canterlot or in Camelot for all I know. Also, um, I have no idea if these are the Human or the Equestrian versions of the Mane 6. Need some description here.
"Do we get to be super awesome moé magical girls again!?" *Sigh*
Okay, six paragraphs in and we can at least be sure that these are the Human Mane 6.
"“Oh, no, I am not wasting my hard earned winter break on her!” she said"... Who said? Dash? Pinkie? The paragraph structure seems to imply it's Rarity but the dialogue makes that unlikely.
"Who knows... we might finished before winter break" ... might finish before ...
Okay, I never figured out where the first scene took place. Not even from context. It happened in a vacuum. At least the next scene establishes it's location in the second line of dialog.
"...and had what some would call librarian glasses attached to a chain..." No need to put "what some would call" here, it's Fluttershy's POV, just say what Fluttershy would call it.
"...call me if you two need anything,” she said, leaving the two girls to their own devices." Uh, are we going to get a name for her? This is Fluttershy's POV, doesn't Fluttershy know her name? Is it just 'The Woman in the Sunflower Dress'?
Chapter 2
Woah, shift into first person present tense Sunset Shimmer. Not that I mind this POV but it's a dramatic pivot away from the 3rd Person Limited past tense used in chapter 1 without any sort of advanced notice.
"Or is it that you only wanted my power to yourself seem smarter?" There's a missing word or something here, I'm just not sure which one. One possible choice could be "all" between to and yourself and a 'to' between yourself and seem.
"Something clicks in my mind, something I have been trying to deny... but I fail" this sentence changes from the preterite to the present midway through.
Ah, the dream is first person present tense. It's still jarring. Also takes place in a vacuum, though dream logic can excuse that... even though I don't recommend it since you never want to confuse your readers.
"“You have… a lot of trees,” Sunset observed." Sharp as a tack, that one. It's probably what I would say in that situation though, so I like it.
"Sunset hesitantly took a few steps forward, “Well, if it’s financial issues I could probably-”" This has just become the most intriguing line of this story. What possible financial support could Sunset provide? Does she have hidden wealth? A business on the side? Does she sell drugs? :)
"She was really hoping tat her sister would be out with her friends today." "tat" = "that"
"Apple Bloom stomped right up to Sunset Shimmer and pointed right up at her face." Repeated "right up" is probably not a great idea.
"I only need one thing from her in return?" This should probably not be a question.
The last scene of this chapter largely appears to exist nowhere... until Rarity enters the Carousel Boutique. Which, just as a heads up, is a dress store in downtown Canterlot in Equestria Girls. There's no indication that Rarity owns it in the movie.
Chapter 3
"Sunset gave her a look that screamed "seriously?". Complete with folded arms. “No, the second part.”" No need for the period after "seriously?" Complete with folded arms is a sentence fragment. The last part of this with the dialogue is highly confusing, even though in retrospect I get what was happening. I'm not sure why I stumbled on this paragraph so much.
Also, it shouldn't be a Battle of the Bands yet, as in Rainbow Rocks it started as a "Musical Showcase" until the Dazzlings used their magic on Celestia.
Oh, so Rarity is related to Hoity Toity and Hot Topic? An interesting change. I wonder how that will alter her life compared to the Equestrian Rarity.
"“Don’t be shy darling, I’m just trimming some excess hair.”" Holy hell, Rarity has no sense of personal space, I guess. Pretty disturbing from someone so focused on etiquette.
"Maybe it was the odd conversations they had during the measuring" this is really all we're going to hear of this? Not being able to hold a conversion was the crux of the problem with the previous two attempts. We should really get to see the topics that finally engage her.
Hmmm, does Sunset have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? It kind of fits some of the symptoms she's been displaying. Seems fairly mild so far, though this is still a unique development in so far as the stories I've read.
Chapter 3.5
"consider it part of the story canon since it contains and leads into two crucial plot points." I'm sure this note is unnecessary. :)
"[...] fixing and eating a, "late breakfast", Rarity quickly [...]" The commas around 'late breakfast' are unnecessary.
"the two mainly spent the time just quietly enjoying each other's company.
“That’s it!” Rarity screamed inside her mind, “I can’t take this anymore,"
These two sentences back to back are really fight each other for dominance. If they're enjoying each other's company, then Rarity's aggravation is pretty incongruous.
Okay, Rarity mistaking a Daring Do novel for a harlequin romance novel is pretty funny.
This first scene also doesn't really have it's location put down anywhere. I assume they are wherever Rarity does her work, though I'm not clear if that's at her home, at the Carousel Boutique, or some other studio.
"What’s happening, where did he drop you at.”" Missing question mark at the end.
"can’t Caballeron try to kill me himself" Technically, dropping someone into a flooding room with no way out IS an attempt to kill that person... it's just clearly not that effective.
"By shutting up, and plugging the hole where the goddamn water is entering from" Wow, Daring Do has a mouth on her all of a sudden.
"Spirit Shift, now is NOT the time" ... wait, did you put yourself in a Daring Do book?
" room was getting it’s water from a nearby river, or something" Don't need to say 'or something' here, as it diminishes the implication that it's a river, and it really is no better than just shrugging. Either Spirit has deduced where the water comes from or hasn't.
"“Good choice, water bills are really high these days,” he thought." Err... right.
"he was met with confirmation" This isn't really proper grammar. 'His guess was confirmed' is much better.
"That pervert," she muttered" ... Wait, which part was perverted? Because Spirit said 'do my manly duty and plug this hole'? I suppose it's innuendo, it's just a little out of place. I suppose we know little about the Daring Do novels in the human world, they could be on the whole more crass than their Equestrian counterparts.
Chapter 4
"“Well burnt forests and fashion dreams are great an all, but who wants to hear about the new Daring Do book coming out next week!?” she declared." I have no idea who the 'she' is who declared this. It *sounds* like Rainbow Dash, but there is almost no other indication that it's her.
"“Do you think that he’ll be a permanent member of the cast?”
“God, I hope so! He’s so friggin awesome!”" Okay, I'm just going to warn you here, creating a character named after yourself that everyone in the text thinks is simply awesome is a dark road to walk. It leads one of two places: intentional parody (where it's a setup to bash on the character -- ergo, yourself) or Original Character domination of scenes. The latter is exceptionally hard to pull off well, the point that it is almost never done right. Be careful...
"“That’s not gonna be so easy with the entire town on her case,” Applejack muttered." Is it all just bad looks or is something else going on?
"Rarity realized what she just said and blushed slightly." Apparently everyone has a dirty mind in this story. :)
Interesting that Sombra replaces Celestia in the 'Ticket Master' quote from Rarity. Wonder what kind of Sombra rules the country that Humanville is part of.
Chapter 5
"Glancing back briefly at the empty home that had sheltered her for a little over three years since she came to this world. Even after three years, Sunset still couldn't believe her luck. It wasn't run down, in a bad neighborhood, boarded up, or anything, and for some reason, no one ever came looking to buy it." This is actually insane luck.
Hmm, the prose in this chapter feels dramatically better than the ones before. Not sure if it's just because it's very late right now as I'm reading this, but I think you deserve the compliment. Things are improving.
"There was silence for a time as the two girls merely stared at each other. Finally, Sunset coughed awkwardly and said, “Well… this is awkward.”" Also, highly coincidental. It does partially explain why she could be there without anyone noticing, but it stretches disbelief. Generally speaking, you usually get one 'incredible coincidence' or stroke of luck per story. Sunset finding this house is one such piece of luck, it belonging to one of Rarity's friends whom she knows is another.
"“You know that Canterlot high is an elevator school right?" I'm guessing wherever Humanville is, it's somewhere in Japan or in a country with this concept in it. There really aren't any 'elevator schools' in America or Canada.
"Dear Coco Pomegranate" Hrm. Okay, that's funny. She should continue to call her Pomegranate going forward. :)
"She’ll just butt in with the rest of her annoying friends." Nice way to treat those friends of yours. I'm guess Sunset hasn't learned anything yet...
I agree.
I wasn't aware of that facet of Writer-Reader relationship, and simply assumed that people would go with it. I know better now.
Well for one thing she owns the clothing store.
But honestly, I still believe that Carousel Boutique was her's in the movie. Why else would she pull out a monogramed box with accessories and just give them away.
That, my good sir, is almost exactly what I did!
Though it's not me. Spirit Shift is a character I created that I enjoy using as a cameo in my stories, not a ponysona/representation of me/self-insert. Funny thing is I've actually never given any thought to a pony version of myself.
Shhhh! No one likes that name for the town.
Anyway, sorry I haven't gotten to respond sooner, I've been really busy with a pen and sketch pad. I wanted to give you my sincere thanks for this helpful review and even more helpful observations. I'm eagerly looking forward to your review of the next 5 chapters.
2866981
Howdy! It's okay for not responding right away, I wasn't really sure what the protocol was here anyway.
Sorry I haven't gotten to the rest of the story yet, I've been a little waylaid by the daylight savings time shift causing my kids to be up way too late as well as some recently busy days. I have started reading and, like Piquo Pie mentions, the quality of the writing is immensely improved. I should be able to cruise through the rest of the story by this weekend and have my review up no later than Saturday.
Incidentally, I'll just point out here, that seeing a writer improve this much is simply a joy. I can be nitpicky, and as you master the basics I'll start to get even more as I try to help you understand how to keep an audience enthralled, but I'm delighted to see you be persistent and improve this much. I started posting fanfiction online back in high school and I went through a long painful two or so years of learning how not to be a totally awful writer. You seem to have picked it up much quicker than I did. :)
My god. That was almost twenty years ago now.......
2867509 lol Wow. You must be a great writer now though.