Fanfic Reviews – Shipping Edition · 5:27am Mar 4th, 2015
I sincerely have no idea why I keep trying to read stories labeled “Romance”. Maybe a part of me is actually hopeful that I will find a good one, but really, not only I dislike the majority of well regarded fics in that genre, but I tend to dislike them for the same reason. But for whatever reason I still try, and even manage to like one from time to time. Below you will find:
Lulamoon’s Castle
Twilight’s Monster
The Order
Little Gem
I Read That in a Book Once
The Things we do For...
As a reminder, scores are on a 0~10 scale, with below 3 being where I dislike a fic, and above 8 where I can say I actually like it.
Bookish Delight – Lulamoon’s Castle – Shipping
After Tirek’s defeat, Trixie wants another rematch against Twilight, but the developments since she last left Ponyville will require her to change her plans.
I have very mixed feelings about this story. It is certainly one of the most fantastic concepts for a Trixie redemption story i have ever seen, managing to hit all the right points, and utilizing well its ideas. In particular, the way it justifies her reevaluating her life and mellowing out, while still keeping her core personality intact, is very well dealt with. However, it suffers terribly from writing issues, most of all bizarre word choices and uninspired phrasing. Thing like this are spread throughout all the fic:
Twilight wrapped her forelegs around Trixie in an outright hug
It also has many overly dramatic passages, like:
In an instant, Trixie reappeared back in her carriage.
She took a good look around.
Her old wagon had been tiny, made of wood, and had barely enough room for her to rest. This was spacious. Still a single room, but it held several comforts of life. Shining trinkets adorned her shelves and her dresser, given to her from entertained and grateful ponies.
She'd been proud of it all. So proud.
Until an hour ago.
She looked back out at the gleaming castle, then shut her carriage's blinds, leaving her in darkness.
"...and what have you truly accomplished with your life, Lulamoon?" Trixie asked herself in a shuddering whisper. "What have you proven by throwing everything away?"
You are destined for great things, Princess Celestia's voice echoed in her mind. Whether you like it or not.
The last of Trixie's resolve crumbled. She tried her hardest to stop the tears, and failed. They ran, no matter how much her mind screamed for them not to.
Then came the chokes, and finally, the sobs, quiet and sorrowful, her heart squeezing in her chest.
She sat on her bed, sniffling and sobbing, until she lost track of how long she'd been doing both. She cried until it felt normal to do so. She cried until it felt good to cry. She cried, realizing she had been holding it all in for too many years to count.
Such things really took me out of the story.
However, given that I am the one reviewing, of course that I found the shipping the worst part. Not that it is exactly bad, since their relationship is at least somewhat developed, despite rushing along quite a bit. However, it is completely tangential to the rest of the narrative, which is bizarre considering that this is a story where the two characters who constantly interact. In fact, it could have been safely excised from the story, and I wouldn’t feel the difference narrative-wise. And by shoving the shipping parts amongst things relevant to other aspects, you get some weird pacing issues. It needed to be properly tied to Trixie’s ark, utilizing something beyond the budding friendship between the two mares. Due to that, this is a hugely uneven story, and despite how much I enjoyed Trixie’s arc, the overall effect was a resounding ‘meh’.
Why it should be read: For Trixie’s portrayal and arc.
Stand out moment: The flashbacks were interesting and well used.
4.5/10
Fuzzyfurvert – Twilight's Monster – AU Shipping
Doctors Twilight Sparkle must deal with a mysterious blue winged unicorn, found trapped by an archeological team.
Another story that left me with mixed feelings. To start, the romance aspect is heinously under explored, and the fic would be better without it – fixing this stuff would require the story to be a couple dozens of chapters longer. As it stands, it isn’t much more than Twilight thinking that Luna is hot, both having sex, and declaring their eternal love from then on. And really, that is fine for a certain type of story, but not for this type of AU, with Twilight being an agent of the system that breaks indoctrination in the name of love.
And it is precisely the AU that deserves to be talked about. Its idea is simple and ingenious, and it is presented in a very sly way, showing the more perverse aspects of this society through the eyes of someone for whom such things are an everyday occurrence. For some reason, it reminds me of Dune’s society. For those not planning to read the fic, the idea is that without the Princesses, the unicorns subjugated the other two races, to the point that they are used like machines. It not only is a clever concept, but it is also intrinsically tied to the central conflict, and all the characterizations make sense in light of that.
I read this as a complete fic, and it certainly stands on its own. However, the author has since set it to incomplete, but haven’t written any other chapters. I, for one, believe that such a thing would be better suited to a sequel fic, but at any rate I believe it is fair to treat this as a complete story, and I will certainly check out future additions.
Why it should be read: The AU is great!
Stand out moment: The moment when you realize just what they refer to as machines are, and Twilight confronting Shining about that.
6.5/10
Bad_Seed_72 – The Order (Reading by BlackIrisBaloon) – AU Shipping
In an Equestria ruled by a strict Caste System, Flash Sentry suffers his infatuation with Twilight Sparkle.
This is the precise opposite of the previous fic, since I like the shipping aspect of the story, but hate the whole background. Thing is, this AU only seems to exist in order to justify the author's’ choice of conflict, instead of serving as a way for conflicts in that AU to exist. The idea of a Caste System, specially one permeated by as much racism as demonstrated here, is such a fundamental change in the dynamics of the show’s universe that it would alter profoundly every single aspect on its setting. However, all that is just hand-waved away, as if the same characters were plucked and placed in this new world.
The most obvious example is Twilight Sparkle, whose journey to alicornhood would either be different, in which case she would act like a very different person, or would be similar to the show, which would necessarily make her less upholding of the system in place. This middle ground with kinda-show-acting Twilight Sparkle that at no points questions “The Order” is too contrived, and kinda ruins the fic for me. Also, it is never quite explained why Alicorns, who should represent all 3 races, are considered unicorns for Caste purposes. All these lead me to conclude: Bad_Seed wanted to write a forbidden love story between Flash Sentry and Twilight Sparkle, and decided to use an AU to justify it. The result of this choice is that even the big triumphant moment of defiance from Flash at the end sounds hollow and insincere, deadening most of the fic’s emotional impact.
The sad thing is, this is a great Flash-light fic. The idea of him being a guard, and pining for her from afar while knowing it will never be is amazing, and their interactions are efficient and in character. There is some great chemistry between both, and Flash’s narration walks well the line between infatuation and true love. It is the kind of thing where you can see him married in the future, but still in the same job, and continuing to pine after Twilight Sparkle.
Were it not for that core issue, I would consider this is a very good story, competently written, well paced, and with some great thematic threads – for instance the whole thing also works as a metaphor for gay marriage. The OCs were also great, other than the caricaturesque captain of the guard, who is courting Twilight Sparkle – I doubt she would ever go for him anyway, so that aspect was quite forced. I really wish I could enjoy this more than I did, but sadly it was not to be.
Why it should be read: If you can buy the AU aspects, it is a good shipfic.
Stand out moment: Flash’s interactions with his father were great, and certainly helped the AU.
4/10
The Princess Rarity – Little Gem (Reading by Goombasa) – Shipping
Applejack and Rarity ponder the future of their yet-to-be-born daughter.
This is cute, and well characterized. A nice piece of fluff, even if not particularly engaging. I quite like this ship, and these two are disgustingly cute together, but the whole thing lacks in real substance. Not that I think the story would be necessarily better with that, it is just that this isn’t the type of story that I tend to find particularly appealing. Still, not a bad story all in all.
Also, the child is referred to as an accident. Come on, everyone knows that magical lesbian babies don’t just happen. You need a couple that loves each other very much, and for Twilight Sparkle to research a magical pregnancy spell. That is essentially canon by this point!
Why it should be read: For some cute Rarijack.
Stand out moment: It is pretty much a general wholesome experience.
4/10
CouchCrusader – I Read That in a Book Once (Reading by Scribbler) – Comedy
Twilight tries to convince Applejack and Rarity to kiss.
Not sure if this even qualifies as shipping proper, more a comedy that involves romance in some capacity. It is certainly funny, with some delightful character assassination and surreal situations. It is the kind of fic that knows exactly what it is, and isn’t ashamed for even a second. I think that it would be better suited for a couple of comic strips, but it still stands as a competent comedy.
Why it should be read: For a good, short comedy.
Stand out moment: How nonchalant Rarity and Applejack are at the end.
7/10
obabscribbler – The Things We Do For... (Reading by The Lost Narrator) Romance / Slice of Life
Bon Bon gets a gift for a sick Lyra.
This is what I consider good shipping – which, considering it is labeled as “Slice of Life”, with a note that says “Lyra/Bon-Bon if you squint. BYO subtext,” should say a lot about me. But really, this is everything I want from romantic stories: Two characters, who have some chemistry together, interact in some way in which one is able to tear down the other’s walls, and showing them caring for the other’s inner desires. I am spoilering the following fragment because it is the final scene, but really, this is a type of scene which would make me like shipfics more:
Bon-Bon’s heart twitched. She wasn’t sure if it was because this was Nonna’s song, or because it was Lyra playing, or something else entirely. Whatever the reason, tears pricked the backs of her eyes. She hastily closed her eyes so she could listen without worrying about them falling.
Since she had her eyes closed, she completely missed it when Lyra opened hers and stared across the living room at her. She also missed the little smile that curved Lyra’s mouth; a private, tender thing not meant to be seen by anypony. There was a reason Lyra had not joined the Conservatoire after high school.
As the rain continued to fall, music filled up the little house and the two ponies in it smiled to themselves.
Those little smiles are worth a thousand empty declarations of undying love. Other than that, this is a very well characterized and well paced view on the life of Lyra and Bon Bon, very dense in its presentation. It is peppered with many little details which give the story flavor, help sell the Slice of Life aspect, but never really interfere with the flow. I think that some of the prose is a bit repetitive, and that it is a tad too fluffy for my tastes, but really, this is some outstanding work.
Why it should be read: This is cute and well characterized. Also, to see what a non-shipper wishes more shipping was like.
Stand out moment: How Bon Bon is able to care about Lyra’s interests not because she shares them, but because they are Lyra’s.
9.5/10
Thanks for the review.
I do have a sequel (still incomplete) to The Order that develops the AU more, including Twilight's beliefs and why she has them. I think this should be noted, since it addresses one of your points. I realized too much was unexplained in the story (which was intended to be a one-shot) and decided to expand on it.
I couldn't agree more about The Order.
Also hey, most of these look familiar. :V
Oh hey, nice!
I have to agree with you(and all the others that have mentioned it), that the romance is rushed and cliche as all get out. It's unsatisfying and breaks the flow. I had to include it for the contest Twilight's Monster was technically written for, and if I were to rewrite it, I wouldn't include it at all. The only way to justify it would be to extend the time line of the story out over several weeks rather than a few days.
As it is, there will be additional content, but it will focus more on the AU, rather than any shoe-horned shipping.
2849126 Oh, that makes a lot of sense! The whole thing felt pretty tacked on.
2849160
Yeah...and I didn't even finish in time to be considered for the judging. Still won as the judges' fave so there's that.
I actually felt so bad about that, that I have a shipfic in the works to more or less apologize for the poor showing in Twilight's Monster. It was either that or turn in my shipping badge.