" -The Hat Mann
The Cynical Brony: Episode 16: "Hearts and Hooves Day Review" · 7:50pm Jan 29th, 2015
Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! Welcome back, my friends, to Applejackuary! Yes, I'm aware that episode 16 got deleted or didn't upload properly or something, but the reviews are more important than the editorials. Anyway, Hearts and Hooves Day! Oh God, it's a Valentine's day special, isn't it? Prepare yourselves for annoying romances that probably won't work out! Then again, there's a higher chance of a romance working out than an episode of my show coming out in a timely fashion...
***
February 14th, 2015...
So, the episode starts with the CMC... oh God, are they using glue?! Don't they know what it's made of?! Christ, I'm gonna be sick...
YOU'VE REVIEWED A STORY WHERE A PERSON TORTURES, KILLS, AND EATS HER FRIEND...
One where I'm a nonsensical mass murderer of kids...
AN ANIMATION WHERE PINKIE PIE BRUTALLY KILLS HER FRIENDS AND DESTORYS THE WORLD...
... And the use of glue is what makes you wanna hurl? You have issues, Cynical.
You two have issues for defending it! Anyway, they're apparently bathing in their dead brethren in order to make a giant Valentine's day-
HEARTS AND HOOVES DAY.
... Hearts and Hooves day card for Cheerily. I wonder what it says on the thing...
Makes sense. Wait, who the Hell spells it like that?! Cheerily is an actual name, and is much more convenient than "Cheerilee". Screw that, I'm sticking with my spelling!
No, you aren't. Every time you misspell it, I'm going to punch you in the face until you do it correctly.
Grammar and spelling lessons from Rainbow Dash. That in itself is a joke. Anyways, they're making the card for Cheerily-
Punch!
Ow! What the Hell, Dash?!
I told you, if you misspell Cheerilee's name, I'm going to punch you.
Okay, okay! Just stop hurting me! They're making the card for Cheerilee- knock it off, Derpy, or I'll fire you from being the editor!
Finally, back to the episode. They're making a Hearts and Hooves day card for Cheerilee, and it's massive! Seriously, that's impressive for a few kids in just a couple hours. And theme.
***
We cut to the school house, where the students are passing out Valen- err, I mean, Hearts and Hooves day cards, with Cheerilee staring in amazement at hers. Interesting how creatures with no magic, hands or opposable thumbs work quickly, but I digress. 
"We just wanted to let you know that we think you're the best teacher in the whole wide world!"
In actuality, this was the version from Cheerilee's Garden. Then the card falls over and crushes the CMC to death.
No, instead the card falls over and the CMC are unfazed. Of course, Cheerilee loves the card of death, but Sweetie Belle keeps... what is she doing? Is she hitting on Cheerilee? Pressuring her to find out who she's dating? Intimidating her? Being obnoxious while asking her question? Pick one, episode! Of course, the CMC are shocked to find out that Cheerilee doesn't have a boy friend or husband. A woman without a romantic interest? Who would have ever thought?! The CMC put on their duck faces at this reveal.
"How could someone as amazing as you not have a special somepony?"
Not everyone needs a romantic interest at every point of their life, you little brats! Cheerilee points out that she has dozens of friends, and really doesn't want a boyfriend right now. "I just had the best idea ever!"
Unless it's the turduckenow, (turkey, duck, chicken, and cow in one dish) you did not have the best idea ever.
We fade to the town, where the CMC are looking for a "perfect stallion" for Miss Cheerilee. I guess they haven't gone onto FiM Fiction lately, it's convinced every canon character is bi or a lesbian. Before anyone goes into the comments with an angry letter, it's a joke. Don't get so pissed over a joke. Anyway, it would be a lot easier if they just found Wooden Toaster or The Living Tombstone, but instead they choose to sing. And... meh lyrics wise, but the singing is great! Just listen to the voices, there's clearly effort and passion in this, something I can appreciate! However, I have to ask: Why wasn't I featured on the list? I'm a great guy!
You're an ugly bastard who's bitter, almost always drunk, rude, and you aren't canon. Shut the Hell up!
... *sniffle* W-well, you know what? I have Bender on my side!
And you know what?
So, take that! Anyway, the winner is Big Macintosh! You know, the serial killer/rapist according to Sweet Apple Massacre! So, the girls stalk him until they decide that they'll send him on a blind date with you-know-who. This segment is boring, so NEXT SCENE!
We see the CMC setting up a picnic blanket, with Cheerilee and Big Mac arriving soon after it's finished. The CMC say they need help identifying a tree, and we get one of the best lines from the entirety of MLP:
Such a simple line, but it's stated I such a manner that it cracks me up every time, even more than the famous Flutterdry! Then Big Mac and Cheerilee catch onto the CMC's plan, and make small talk. Considering that this goes nowhere, I feel this clip is in order.
Wait, is this...? It is. All rise for a historic moment in Brony history, the birth of one of our finest memes, Sweetie Belle, take it away.
Absolutely beautiful. Anyways, the two just talk and have a pleasant time before leaving. Well, that was nice! However, the CMC are grumpy that the two didn't instantly fall in love. You want to know what happens in the relationships that do say it was love at first sight?
Man: She's not the same woman I married!
Woman: He changed!
Man: Not the same!
Woman: He changed!
Man: Not the saaaaammme...
That's what happens! Then they literally run into Twilight, who's apparently blind as a bat. She gives the most insincere apology ever before conveniently starts to monologue to the CMC about how H&H day started with a love potion. This catches the CMC's interest, and...
"It even includes a recipe!"
Why did you tell them that?! It forces artificial feelings of love into someone, that's horrible! Hell, they don't say it, but it could probably be used a date-rape drug! This is horrible, Twilight! Feel a great shame for your crimes. Also, it doesn't help that you have three small children between your legs, freak! "I don't suppose we could borrow that book for a while?"
1. No! That's horrible!
2. Did anyone else just have the mental image of Sweetie Belle as Walter White, cooking up drug potions? "Of course you can!"
Thus, Equestria's fate was sealed. The act of giving the potion eventually resulted in the end of the world. Come on, you moron! You just gave the liquid equivalent of the "Want It, Need It" spell to children! Dark Helmet, take it away!
Apparently only pegasi can make this love potion, based on it's ingredients. Oh, and once again Scootaloo indulges in using dead bodies to make something, seeing as how they used a rainbow in it. Thus, the potion is made and served. We get more of that wonderful dry humor from Cheerilee, and they once again see through the CMC's plan, but decide to humor them. However, the potion takes affect, and... oh God, it has begun. They've started with the pet names. Considering the rest of this scene is nothing but that, Bender! I need you again!
"We might not have given them a love potion, but we might have given them a love poison!"
1.
2. How the Hell did you confuse the two?! Sure, it's only a couple letters different, but there's a pretty fine indication when something's poisonous!
You are a bunch of idiots, CMC! I wasn't joking about the world ending either, Sweetie mentions that dragons, the return of Discord, and other catastrophes! In other words; "Rocks fall, everybody dies." So, the plan is to make the two stop loving each other. Apparently, if they don't see each other for an hour, the potion wears off. We cut to SCC, where Big Mac and Cheerilee are being annoying. According to Mrs. Cake, they've been taking hours just debating on who gets the first sip of the milkshake. I'd be pissed if I was there, and those two were holding up the line! The CMC's plan is pretty clever: Have them prepare a wedding, and by the time everything's ready, the potion would have worn off. I guess the wedding supplies can go to Twilight and Rainbow!
THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA, CYNICAL...
Punch!
Ow! I'll show you to punch someone, Dash!
Ha! Run, Dashie, run!
Stop shipping me with everything in the universe, and I'll stop punching you!
Hmm... good offer.
That will keep her away for a bit. Anyway, the two agree, and they destroy SCC. I wonder what Pinkie's going to be like?
Sounds about right. So, they keep the couple apart for as long as possible, and we learn that not even being tied to an entire house can slow down Big Macintosh! I think he's taking steroids. So, the CMC built a ditch for Big Mac to fall into, but based on the way his neck is and the fact that his legs are twitching, I think he's actually dead. Turns out he's alive, and gives one last desperate cry for his love, and she busts down the barricade Sweetie built with her face! Wait a minute, I just realized: they're coming to get their love now! What, I have to reach for musical jokes sometimes. Cheerilee kills the CMC, gets brain damage from her head-on collision with BM, and he spell wears off. 
"Nopony can force two ponies together."
Unless you're a shipper. Twidash forever! Swing-an'-a-miss, Rainbow! Anyways, this is a pretty good episode. Aside from the rather annoying pet names, it's a pretty fun episode, giving birth to some of our finest memes, and is just memorable. I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to!
Credits:
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc.
"Hearts and Hooves Day" written by Megan McCarthy
"Love Me Cheerilee" by The Living Tombstone and Glaze
"Come and Get Your Love" by Redbone
"Tainted Love" by Soft Cell
"Godzilla" by Blue Oyster Cult
Clips:
Futurama
MLP:FiM
Spaceballs
Family Guy
2756017 How about no? Have any comments actually related to the review?
2756043 I said it was funny.
2756200 No, you were talking about Gone Girl, the worst movie of 2014.
2756215 How was it bad?
2756227 The detectives were lazy, there was absolutely no logic, and that God damn hospital of idiots! WASH THE BLOOD OF HER, DUMBA$$ES!
I've never read any of the grimdark fics you kept referring to in this review.
There are also a few users around this site that would be willing to be violent whenever you misspell Cheerilee's name... (Don't worry, I'm not one of them.)
This review was fun to read, but I really didn't care for the repeated references to some of the fandom's more infamous stories...
2756231 So y gonna focus on all the little stuff?
2756239 Fair enough, I have reviewed Rainbow Factory and Cupcakes, and they're some of my favorite reviews, so I like to make references to them. Glad you enjoyed the review! Fun fact: I've never actually read Cheerilee's Garden, it's just that infamous. As for the thing with Cheerilee, the jokes about it are actually a lamp-shaded reference to someone who was quite upset at my spelling of Cheerilee and other such things.