• Member Since 17th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen Apr 17th, 2023

The Cynical Brony


"(The Cynical Brony would get arrested for) Complaining about other people's opinions in a coffee shop and ending up slapping the shit out of someone. :rainbowlaugh:" -The Hat Mann

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Jan
9th
2015

The Cynical Brony: Episode 15: "Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 Review" · 2:15am Jan 9th, 2015

[Note: This is the first episode post-reboot! Read this blog for further details.]
Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony and... wait, what? Something seems off. Derpy? Does anything feel different to you?
NO, BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO DO ANOTHER REVIEW. IT'S BEEN A YEAR!
A year?! Oh wait, new years was last week. Nice one. Dash?
Still feel the same. I don't remember when I started working on the show though...
Probably nothing. Anyways, welcome to Applejackuary! This month I'll only be reviewing episodes staring my least favorite faction in MLP, the Apple family. Why are they my least favorite? I'll explain in the next episode. Why am I doing a theme month? Because the Nostalgia Critic is having a theme month, and as everyone's good old pal Guardian and Friends put it,

Oh, it's that Nostalgia Critic rip-off.

How is it that he's got over 100 followers when he has that type of attitude? Anyways, I'll leave my roast of him for The Chopping Block. So, to start off this month, Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. That is the worst title I've ever seen.
So, the episode starts with Fluttershy sleeping. Then Dash breaks in, despite the fact that there's clearly an open window to Fluttershy's left! Why do you always have to damage buildings, Dash?
Let's see you slow down in time when you're heading for a building at over a hundred miles a second.
Point taken. So, Dash is apparently here because it's cider season! Ha-ha, she's an implied alcoholic. Oh wait, that's terrible. Also, innuendo! You know, for kids! Then Dash kidnaps Fluttershy and brings her to Sweet Apple Acers, in what must be 6:30 in the morning, if not earlier! She must really want those booze. The explanation is that apparently Pinkie is even more of an alcoholic than Dash! Well, I shouldn't be surprised, especially when taking .MOV Pinkie into account. Dash explains that she plans to buy a ton of cider, drink some of it in front of Pinkie, and then drip-drink it over the year to torture Miss Pie. Oh, now we have the backstory for Cupcakes. Sense after all, that's the mark of quality, right? However, we see that there's an absolutely MASSIVE line of tents outside the farm. Pinkie, being the chaos goddess that she is, knew of Dash's plan, and got the entire town to camp out in a line just so Dash wouldn't get any! That is impressive. And theme. Wow, it's been a long time since I last said that.

***

M.A Larson! This will be good. Oh, I'm not joking. I love almost all of his episodes. In the line, we can see Bon-Bon, Sparkler (you know, that moron from MDW that couldn't open a peanut butter jar), that guy who gets his soul eaten by Tirek, that gardener pony everyone loves but I never knew existed, and Berry Punch!
... and Berry Punch again... and again... and why are there so many clones?! Does everyone know the mirror pool exists, but forgot to get rid of their doubles?! Erm, anyway, Applejack announces cider season to be live, and Pinkie apparently robbed a bank before this. Seriously, look at how much money she just dumped from that bag! Chug, chug, chug, chug, woohoo! JESUS! Look at how much alcohol Pinkie's buying! That can't be good for her liver. Wait, did Cheerily just buy some? Isn't cider season a school day? Oh, and for people who say it's non-alcoholic cider;

1. Non-alcoholic cider doesn't foam like that.
2. Look at her face, and the line. That's not the type of thing people line up for unless it's rare liquor.

Just when Dash gets to the front of the line, pays her hard-earned money, and eager waits for the sweet embrace of intoxication, they run out. She doesn't even get her money back from these crooks!
:ajsmug: "We tried our best to supply more this year,"
You still ran short of the alcohol I ordered for the Sweet Apple Massacre review! And I still haven't gotten my money back!
She gives some lying-through-her-teeth speech about how her cider is the best and how it takes time. My response: Make it earlier! It's not like you don't always have apples on the farm! Then Pinkie acts like the biggest dirt bag in Equestria, even more so than Angle. Pinkie, keep this up, and you're going from third best to worst pony. Suddenly, a car shows up. Take that, luddite bronies!
:applejackunsure: "What in Equestria is that?"
It's a car, you bloody moron! Oh, and based on how it crashed into the fence, I guess it's driven by the crooks from Home Alone. Here we meet Flim and Flam, who sing about their car. It's a good song, but I'll sum it up in 4 words: Harder, better, faster, stronger. Queue the music! Yeah, I think I'm just going to dance for a bit.

***

Oh! I just realized why there were so many Berry Punches; There was simply too much alcohol for a single pony. Anyway, Applebloom makes a bet that the farm is Flim and Flam's if they make the better cider. Wait, what?! You're letter the child make business decisions?! The Apple family is full of idiots... except Big Mac, I think he may actually be God. So, the ADULTS let this child make their choice, because Granny is an idiot. So, the next day, we find Pinkie drinking EVEN MORE alcohol! How has she not died of alcohol poisoning?! Twilight and Applejack are wondering if Flim and Flam can actually out sell them, which based on the fact that Dash got here earlier and was still miles away, is highly probable. Then FNF break the fence again, just to be jerks. Hey, Flim gave Dash a free mug! That was nice of him. Just as Rainbow is about to get a sip, Applejack decides to be a d!ck and smacks it right out of Dash's hoof.
:rainbowdetermined2: "Is this some kind of cruel joke?"
Yes, yes it is. You know, I can understand the Larson hate now. Then they have Applebloom set ANOTHER bet, this one actually coming to fruition. So, the very next day, Mayor Mare is the announcer to this measuring contest between Granny and FNF. As the Doctor starts the hourglass, they begin. Of course, the master race-
*cough, cough*
Oh, right. Of course, the unicorns with a car do a much better job than the pack of inbred earth ponies-
What was that, Cynical?
Erm, one more try. They do a much better job than the Apple family. For every one barrel they have, Flam has five.
:raritycry: "This is dreadful! For every Apple family barrel, they have three!"
LEARN TO COUNT, YOU SNOB!
Then Applejack cheats by having the Mane 6 help. What happened to being confident in your family, AJ? :ajsmug: So Fluttershy shows her secret Kung Fu skills we saw in Smile HD, Rainbow runs on a treadmill, and Pinkie is still annoying. When FNF start cheating by letting everything through, Rainbow wants to start cheating back, but Granny threatens to deck her harder then she did in MDW. Why are they friends? To me, it sounds like some

And so, the Apple family loses because cars are better than ponies. Oh, and passing everything may have helped slightly. Wait, they aren't even going back to the house to get their things? You do realize that they live on the farm, Larson. But I actually have exclusive footage of the ending! Let's take a look:

... That was depressing. Just kidding! Instead, we get the best moral of the whole show.
:ajsmug: "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned nothing! I was right all along!"
I can't tell you how much that amuses me. Sadly, this episode still sucks. For one: torturing alcoholics is not funny. Torturing ponies is not funny. Torturing alcoholic ponies is even more unfunny. On top of that, this episode officially labeled Dash and Pinkie as alcoholics! Third, the villains are more likable than our dirt bag protagonists who rob people out of their money with false advertising! Lastly, it's simply boring. Anyways, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to!

Credits:
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc.
"Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000" written by M.A Larson
"Tainted Love" by Soft Cell
"Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" by Daft Punk
All emoticons are property or FiMFiction.net
Clip:
"Requiem for A Cider" by Mr. Poninator

Next Review; "Heart's and Hooves Day".

Comments ( 11 )

M.A Laron

Who is M. A. Laron? Is he a new writer or something?

2711074 Writer of Magical Mystery Cure, Sonic Rainboom, The Return of Harmony, created the Parasprites, wrote several important two parters. He's fairly big in the community. :I

2711099 No, that's M A Larson, your talking about M A Laron.

2711147 It. Was. A. Spelling. Mistake. :twilightangry2::flutterrage::rainbowdetermined2::ajbemused:

that guy who gets his sole eaten by Tierek

Somepony gets his foot eaten by something called Tierek?! OH MY GOD! You have time travel! I'll find you, and then. But seriously, if you're going to be angry at someone else for grammatical mistakes, then don't get angry with me for doing the same to you for obvious spelling errors. In this case, it should be: that guy who gets his soul eaten by Tirek.

... and Berry Punch again... and again...

I know! She figured out how to be in multiple places at the same time, without the use of the Mirror Pool!...Doctor Whooves! Why he would let a companion do that, I don't know, but, well, according to the most widely accepted theory about who Doctor Whooves actually is, (and by that, I mean the one that appears in plenty of YouTube series about him, such as Doctor Whooves and Assistant, Doctor Whooves Adventures, Doctor Whooves: The Great...among others) he did let Rose do it. And then a lot of demonic alien creatures showed up. But, to be fair, Rose did alter the timeline by saving her father's life. Berry Punch is just picking up a lot of booze. Maybe even for The Doctor, if it's the same one as the one from Doctor Whooves: The Great. Or, better yet, maybe he actually remembers everything that he's lost this time around, and he might be a LOT more depressed. I say that he's depressed in that series because of the one (and only) Q and A from that series. :pinkiesad2:

3119985 No, I got angry because he was obnoxious about it.

3119985 Fixed. I honestly don't mind people pointing out my spelling errors, and I support it, but when they're intentionally trying to piss you off even after you fix it, it gets annoying.

3120046
my bad...again...I'll do better in the future...:pinkiesad2:

3120056 No, you're perfectly fine! I was actually referring to Jack and how he intentionally provokes me over my spelling mistakes.

3120015
My bad. :facehoof: Obnoxious in what way, might I ask? :pinkiesmile:

3120085 Well, for one, these comments, where he kept making fun of me even after I fixed the spelling error.
Also, these comments.
I'm honestly sorry. I must seem like a jerk to you... :(

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