Bad Reveiws #1

Welcome to bad reviews where I write a crappy review about a crappy story!!!! NOTE: This is all in good fun so don't sue me!!!! and this is a censored review.
Presenting....

Fluttershy the racist stole my heart

By: Theobservantpilgram

Oh dear.... This wont end well...

The day is beautiful and you cannot wait to embrace it! But you’re not going to, probably. You’re going to read this story. This isn’t your story either, this is about me and my pursuit for that really cute girl I met on the bus that one time. And if you’re not going to read beyond this first paragraph, let me leave you with one last bit of advice: Never, ever, under any circumstances look directly into the eyes of a duck. If you can do that, it’s too late, just say your prayers. This has nothing to do with the story, but some day some guy is going to read this paragraph and be like “This dude is incomprehensible. I don’t want anything to do with him.” And then he looks up from his screen and sees a duck but remembers not to look it in the eyes because I told him not to. That guy would manage to get away, and I just saved his life

WTB!?!?! This has nothing to do with this!!!! NEXT!!

Oh man, I can’t believe I’ve been walking to work every day when there were buses in Equestria. I probably would’ve kept on walking like a chump if my amigo, Gaz Pacho, didn’t tell me about it. I mean, yeah, it costs ten bits but what kind of an idiot would rather waste time walking any distance whatsoever? Walking has been ruining my entire life! When my parents saw me take my first steps they were so proud. They were horrible jerks.

Walking ruined my life too... now I have to walk to the car on my own... Anyways... This one paragraph is totes crap! NEXT!!!!

So when I found out about the bus I was on the first one I could find. It was really lame. The entire thing was super cramped, it was like a super-long carriage with two lanes of seats on either side of a single walking lane that forced every pony to brush shoulders against every other pony with the seat closest to the middle. There were only two seats in the rows also, meaning that I suspect this entire thing was actually designed for romantic couples, and that just made me want to run. Hard. But I didn’t.

So I took a seat just a few rows from the back of the bus which gave me a great view of the back of every other pony’s head. It sucks, but at least this also gives me the opportunity to scope out any threats. Man, if some ghost/alien pops in here I’ll be ready to just go full on combat-mode. Luckily, the biggest threat on here is some zebra chick up front with a mohawk.

WAIT!!!

the biggest threat on here is some zebra chick up front with a mohawk

That's SO bucking Racist... I just...

Man, if some ghost/alien pops in here I’ll be ready to just go full on combat-mode

Oh I can't even... NEXT!!!

The bus went on its way after my stop and soon arrived at the next one. This next stop is probably the most hype one, because while a few extra ponies filed in to the already packed-like-sardines carriage, one of them in particular caught my eye. This mare was talking to some cage on her back and she said something like “What’s that Miss Chuckles? You want to sit next to the window? Oh, I’ll see if I can. But all the seats are taken.”

This is gonna escalate...

She was mad hot, she had pink hair that hid one of her baby blue eyes, and her cutie mark was butterflies. This girl was super cute. Oh man, but did she have one big issue. Because next thing I know is she is walking up to that zebra pony up front and asks her “Excuse me, miss? I, um, was wondering if you wouldn’t, maybe, mind, please, going to the back of the bus?” And then in the tiniest whisper I still hear her ask “Please?”

Well... If he changed it up a little it wouldn't be racist...

Oh man. She’s a racist. That’s going to be a bit of a problem because I totally don’t have a problem with striped ponies.

The zebra didn’t freak out and try and eat her face off, as zebras are known to do. No, instead the zebra acted chill like she was a normal pony and took an empty seat in the back of the bus. This means I both couldn’t assess the greatest threat on the bus and I am completely enamored with a racist. I wasn’t in a good position and I felt like puking, but I didn’t. All I knew was I had to try and look past her bigotry and pitch woo anyways.

Me not know big words...

So I get up from my seat while the bus is in motion and I go right up to her and I get on my hind legs, cross my forelegs in front of me, and lay out my most smooth line ever “Hey there, gurl.”

...

She clearly must be deaf too, which kinda makes her a whole lot less cute because deaf people just walk into poles and trip over themselves all the time when they don't have thier white canes. So what I do next is I get right up in her face and go “Whattup, b****!”

WOAH! That is offencive!!!!

Then for some reason she starts freaking out like she has any reason to and she goes “I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me!”

GEE I WONDER WHY!!!!!

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Well... That was crappy and offencive...

Creativity:-3
Grammar: 6
Clarity: 0
Overall Chapter score: 3

Next week I'm reviewing:
The next chapter of this story or a story of your choice.