The three words which best describe Christmas carols are as follows, and I quote: · 4:41pm Dec 13th, 2014
Stink.
Stank.
Stunk.
I am desperately counting down the days to 'stunk'. (One of my favorite holidays is December 26th: The Day The Music Goes Back To Normal.) I'm hoping to get there before I reach that inevitable point every year where the next carol I hear will send me at the nearest music sorting station -- housing for a store's soundtrack, radio station, someone walking by with headphones set to 'leak' -- with intent to kill. There is a countdown involved with that event. It currently stands at one hundred and fifty carols remaining. Roughly. Give or take one hundred and fifty. But we're probably safe for a little while, because I haven't hit the Substitute Lyric Point yet, which is when I start to swap in... variations.
"I'm dreaming of a mass murder..."
Oh, there it is.
"God bless ye merry store owners, you are about to die, I've heard this song a thousand times and so you're gonna fry."
Not much of an improvement, really.
It's the sensory assault. Things reach the point where you can't go anywhere without being caroled. Every store. Music being played through streetside speakers under the delusion it'll get people into a shopping mood instead of a tooth-grinding one. Wandering gangs of carolers, which is sort of like wandering gangs, period: they only appear to hurt you and if you give them all your money, they still won't go away. Every radio station and as you approach the 25th, it goes to All. The. Bloody. Time. Even if you're on a satellite or streaming system, someone's going to sneak a holiday surprise in for your very much listening non-pleasure. No peace on Earth and torture towards eardrums. No matter how good that song might have sounded on the original go-round, repetition removes quality, meaning, and in time, sanity. There is no escape.
Additionally, when you've been stuck in mall bleed-off congestion for an hour, the last thing you will hear before your vision goes red and your hands feel oddly wet are the words "From Atlantic to Pacific, gee, the traffic is terrific."
So consider this to be a public service warning. If I have to go through another one hundred and forty-nine carols -- give or take one hundred and forty nine -- something very good and wonderful is going to happen.
Well, I'll see it as good and wonderful. And I'm sure I can talk the jury into it after a while. Or rather, sing...
Pony most likely to react the same way with Hearth's Warming Eve songs: probably Rainbow. (Lyra gonna die.)
This is accurate on so many levels that it's not even funny.
That time of year again
DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY
YOU’RE SO FUCKING SLOW
AND FAT, WHAT DO YOU WEIGH
HA-HA-HA
YOU CAN’T FUCKING SING
I’LL START A FUCKING FIGHT
GET OUT MY WAY YOU FUCKING HO
I’M DRIVING HERE TONIGHT
JINGLE BELLS, GO TO HELL
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE
OVER BODIES EVERY DAY (HEY)
JINGLE BELLS, GO TO HELL
BITCH WHAT DID I SAY
RUN THAT ASS CUZ YOU CAN’T HIDE
FROM MY MOTHERFUCKING SLEIGH
HEY
I considered embedding the Tom Lehrer Christmas carol, but I decided that was far more likely not to help.
In any case, best of luck. Twelve and a half days to go.
As an alternative to mass mayhem, I recommend getting yourself a large boombox to carry around, and the collected works of Skálmöld. Don't hate the carols, drown them out!
If you think you have it bad, spare a few moments of sympathy for those poor condemned souls who work in retail and have to listen to it 10 hours a day from Black Friday straight through Christmas...
I don't know how they manage to stay sane; that'd drive me over the edge within a week.
It wouldn't be so bad if they would actually mix it up a bit with some new stuff, or at least some unique and offbeat covers, instead of just recyling the same narrow playlist over and over and over.
In the interests of fostering mental health and sanity, have some decompression therapy to dispel the ghosts of Bing Crosby and other moldy oldies:
Rob Halford's heavy-metal rendition of O Come Emmanuel
REO Speedwagon's rock-n-roll version of the gospel song Children Go Where I Send Thee
Alice Cooper's slightly-deranged version of Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (Stick with it -- he plays it more-or-less straight for the first verse, then starts going off the rails in the next one.)
and of course, Weird Al Yankovic's twisted holiday anthem, Christmas at Ground Zero – which he recorded under protest, because he didn't really want to do a novelty Christmas song, but his record company kept bugging him for it until he finally gave in.
Oddly enough, they stopped asking after that.
It's even worse than you imagine. You have to listen to me! They made a mistake with the broadcast and I can REMEMBER, but I don't know how long I have until they find me so I have to be quick. There IS NO SUCH THING AS CHRISTMAS! It's all fake! The carols are implanting false memories in all of us, up until mid-November of 2014 there had NEVER BEEN A CHRISTMAS it's all part of their plan and the carols are how they get inside each of us! They want us to believe that the carols are many decades old and a quaint tradition associated with rampant commercialization but the reality is far more terrifying. Their master plan will be completed on the 25th, they're distributing their devices everywhere, they will be in EVERY HOME and every single person will get them but YOU MUSTN'T OPEN TH
I feel your pain. The eternal blandness of older recordings and the insipidness of the newer recordings' cliche' musical twists drives me insane. The only thing worse than this is muzak, because it plays everywhere and will be around as long as people need bland/insipid renditions of everything.
On a side note, years ago I heard on a radio news break that someone had forced their way into a radio station back east and forced everyone out, locked the doors... and then proceeded to replay "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" for 20+ straight hours before the police broke in. I still laugh at the sheer evilness of that.
I feel this so much. D:
Are you ticked cause of the cheer, or the repetition? If either, this might help:
[url=Sweet-Little-Jesus-Boy]http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SiRhFKpxHD8
I think Stan Freberg's Green Christmas says it all:
Deck the halls with advertising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
While you can be enterprising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Four bars of soap,
Three cans of peas,
Two breakfast foods,
And some toothpaste on a pear tree!
2650886
I see you all trying to bring the critical number lower.
Keep in mind that I may live near you.
More towards the latter, with a significant dose of the sheer density. You can only get away from it with careful effort leading to total isolation, and the instant you go back into the world again? There it is. It was waiting for you. It lurks and holds back claws until the moment the hunt can resume.
Additionally
2650812
This. In Carol-Land, it's generally 1952 and I can't go down most public streets without violating unwritten rules. Remakes occasionally try to invoke a future feel... say, 1953. The standards are the standards: a flag being waved to block all sight and the end generally gets speared into an ear.
Oh, and also
2650785
This. It's the same playlist. Everywhere. If anything new tries to come along and catches on, it'll be trundled out so often that it'll reach the six-decade feel within a week. You've heard it before and you'll hear it again. Without mercy.
And on a side note, while I have endless sympathy for many of the retail-trapped, I would like people to consider sparing a moment of empathy for the exotic dancer whose DJ has just said "I'm putting up Santa Baby. Make it work."
Death.
2650755
You know it's gotten bad when not even Tom Lerher can save us.
2650734
Huh. So what's the rest of Pink's holiday cut like?
2650790
This? Is the sound of someone with five carols to go. Give or take twenty carols.
Is everyone sure they don't live near Daedelean?
What you need is some violent murder to take your mind off of things:
faultylogic.comicgenesis.com/comics/20081227.jpg
Also, philosophy.
2650924
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and...
There is a reason why I've done ALL MY SHOPPING on Amazon.com. Or gotten people gift cards.
I think I could handle it better if it wasn't so...early every year. It seems like we don't even pause for Thanksgiving, just right into Christmas after Halloween. Would it be too much to to ask that we just hold off until after Thanksgiving? Let everybody go home for dinner on Thanksgiving, not open the stores until Black Friday, and just give the whole merchandising thing a pause?
Apparently so, since I was already seeing Christmas stuff at Costco in October...
Well, of course the radio is a nightmare in December; I hate the Christmas-themed pop songs as much as you do. I do quite enjoy the traditional religious carols, though. Especially the old-fashioned arrangements for organ and choir. Venite Adoremus Dominum, bitches!
A beautiful example from my own language:
2650924 I wouldn't mind the covers if it was something like "modern singer doing their own take on the song", not "modern singer trying to do what Sinatra did with his version of the song".
That, and newer songs. I've heard all the variations of the classics. Something new would be nice. I'm burned out on "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (something I thought I'd never say), or all the other classic cartoons. Hell...even a MLP Christmas special would be a nice chance of pace right now.
Oh, and when the local strip club starts to do Christmas songs...it's time to go.
On occasion, I will walk through a store on the 26th and they will still be playing Christmas music. I always feel a little angry, as if there were an implied social contract and the retailer in question failed to hold up their end of the bargain.
2651051
I almost saved this for a separate blog post (and still might give it a tiny spotlight that way) -- but imagine Celestia's comparable position here. Not only the same songs century after century, but the same allegorical play of somewhat varying quality every. single. year.
Note she's not in the audience at the performance. I suspect she's spent at least seven centuries coming down with a highly coincidental cold.
2651087 I can see her being a bit more subtle...a midnight swapping of the carol list and the music sheets so that there is at least one new song every year...
Between this and Christmas specials on T.V. I’m not sure I could hate Christmas much more if I tried.
2651098
"Oh, look. Something non-traditional got in. Well, I'm sure somepony made a completely innocent mistake. Let's just switch it back before anypony notices."
Tradition: the 'But that hideous fake potted plant has been there since we moved in!' of stupidity.
(ETA: Bill Veeck once took over a racetrack for about two years and started his managerial role by revamping the place. This included hauling every single piece of ugly fake greenery out to the curb for trash pickup -- where, inevitably, some helpful soul would walk by and see that the track's traditional decorations had been clearly thrown out by total accident. And that helpful soul would then return the ugly fake greenery to the exact place it belonged. Through multiple round trips. Inanimate objects come back to the scene of the crime...)
2651064
One of the central reasons I don't risk the return/exchange lines for at least three days. Although for the 26th, it could be seen as a reminder of 'We all just finished claiming to care about each other. Please don't kill the person currently at the counter who's trying to get the first-day return credit price on a Black Friday item. With the Black Friday receipt. Or at least, please don't kill that person because our help staff has had a long season and it's their holiday bonus. No filching.''
2651113
There's a story in there, somewhere. Namely, why Princess Celestia can't redecorate or renovate the castle. Because it's traditional that it looks like that!
2651230
'tis. Are you calling dibs?
(Incidentally, here we have another reason for that piano's death.)
I've never really encountered this problem, even back when my parents had Christmas music on constantly for like, two weeks around the house. I have a soft spot for Bing Crosby as a result, I suspect.
2650924
I'm surprised. I hear lots of newer stuff, and find it almost invariably terrible. There's Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra which help mix things up (the Trans-Siberian Orchestra is nice, honestly; I listen to them voluntarily) but... that's really about it.
I've heard a Christmas song about texting a few times too, which is bad.
2651087
Well, Celestia chose the Mane Six specifically for the play.
Then again, she chose them to go to the Gala to "liven things up", so maybe she was just standing outside the blast radius instead.
2651247
*fear*
*so much fear*
...Santa wasn't paying attention to the skyway and took out a plane...?
ETA: "no page so sure that it never turns" I think a few fanfics may have violated that.
2651242 First come, first serve. Right in the middle of writing a story now, and I've learned the hard way to never
cross the streamswrite more than one story at one time. Besides, next chapter we get to see what the Royal Crystal Empire Voice sounds like...2651257
No, I'm afraid not. It's played straight.
Warning: Not Safe For Humanity.
2651281
Then I hope someone grabs it quickly, because I keep getting this image of Luna spending several days trying to throw out the same hideous tapestry that was befouling the approach corridor to her throne room before abeyance. And failing.
My rock station played a Christmas parody of Aqualung last night. Like you, I'm not a fan of holiday music to start with, but pairing it with the creepiest song of all time... Shudders.
2651289 Actually, minus the whole Christmas theme, this wasn't so bad.
It's at least creatively different, well-performed, and seems like a pretty sharp condemnation of the lazy disconnect between people, especially those who constantly share everything in distant little meaningless clips of text, rather than really connecting.
2651379
See, the problem is I'm not sure if it is supposed to be satire. Some people seem to think that it is ironic, some of them think it has to be ironic because the alternative is too depressing to even consider, and some people think it is a really SWEET AND TRUE song that totally captures the holiday spirit!!!11111oneoneoneeleventy
2651294 Damn it, it's now become a plot bunny. The only question is-do I write the story as comedy or horror?
Horror would be easier.
I've worked retail. I feel you oh so much.
That said, I do have a taste for pre-19th century Latin carols and classical compositions, which of course don't get played.
I feel like an outlier since I love Christmas music. (Though I HAAAAATE the Dominick the Donkey song. Fuck that song.)
Partially cause I'm a band person and the Christmas concert was always fun...but mostly now when I'm at work. Because then I don't have to listen to the God awful soundtrack my grocery store plays. It's the same soundtrack I've heard for 7+ years now. D: There's only so many times one can hear a Frank Sinatra song before going mad.
So I welcome our Christmastime music overlords. :V
2651497
Why don't we split it? You write the concept as a horror story. I'll write it as comedy. And then when both interpretations are up, we link to each other's version and explain what was going on.
2651522
Jinggedejing
He-haw! He-haw!
2651437 Yeah I see what you mean, but then that leaves something for everyone; realists, cynics, the hopeful, and the jr. high-schoolers!!111!11...
Read by themselves, the lyrics are pretty funny even without the song, but it still disturbs me.
EDIT: I never really minded singing Christmas tunes when in my university choir, but then our director was excellent (a student of Robert Shaw), and was always looking for unique and intelligent pieces to perform. No Jingle Bells for us; there would have been a mutiny.
The constant Christmas noise reminds of a snippet of a poem I barely remember: "Dear old Santa/polar friend/may you freeze/your nether end. Don't deny/you tub of lard/You're the dupe/of Mastercard."
I don't know, maybe you just need to listen to what passes for Christmas songs in Britain
It would, if nothing else, inspire more cynicism I guess
Just think about how many Christmas songs are about how wonderful winter is. Now imagine living in the Southern Hemisphere. Hearing Bing Crosby singing about a White Christmas when the temperature is the wrong side of 90F is a torture I hope you never experience.
Or the horror of songs writen for the inverted seasons. "Six White Boomers" is an abomination. Aside from being a terrible song, in my whole life I have NEVER heard of a Kangaroo refered to as a 'boomer' outside of this song.
Come to Australia for Christmas, I dare you...
2651547 Deal.
2651857
On the other hoof, Tim Minchin's song about Christmas in Australia is truly wonderful. Or at least, I happen to think so - but then, I love pretty much everything he does.
White Wine in the Sun
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
I find all of this somewhat amusing, because while I don't feel as vehemently about the subject as you seem to, I've often expressed the similar distaste for Christmas music to my friends.
...
Well, not necessarily for Christmas music in and of itself. I will occasionally hum or sing the stuff at random times of the year, which confuses nearby people. They often ask why I hum it when it isn't Christmas time.
They usually miss the point when I tell them that it's because it isn't Christmas time that I sometimes hum Christmas music. Just like I'll randomly hum or sing pop, classical or whatever else is flowing through my head. I just prefer a little variety, which you don't usually get during holiday season.
2651552
...you diabolical bastard. XD
I feel for you. Once a few years ago, I decided to download every Christmas full album that showed up on Xnews. After several months of downloading, storing, and archiving (I'm a little OCD), I determined that I could start my collection playing on November 1, and it would still be going January 1. Everybody records a Christmas album, and they all have Jingle Bells. I was tempted to make a single CD with nothing but Jingle Bells on it and a playlist so it would run for 24 hours without repeating. When you fill up a multi-gigabyte drive with Christmas MP3s, it's time to stop.
But comedy can be collected until you run out of terabyte drives... :)
2651087
I'm imagining her coming down with a deafness every year as Hearth's Warming approaches. "Yes, quite inconvenient. It's the old injury, and the winter makes it act up." Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle are the only ponies in living memory close enough and direct enough to ask "What injury, Princess?", after which both were given a candid but gentle little lecture about the issue Estee has breached here, and a homework task of investigating the possibilities of a highly localized sound-dampening spell. Conveniently, Celestia is a very proficient reader of lips, body language and the mood of the crowds, so most ponies never notice the Princess doesn't actually hear them (or the ever-present caroling).
Luna, on the other hoof, loves Hearth's Warming festivities with the same exuberant intensity as Pinkie Pie, although with a considerably darker palette, literally and metaphorically. She especially likes the newer carols -- that is, anything from the last thousand years or so -- and occasionally sings them herself. The combined efforts of Celestia, the Civil Service and the Night Guard have managed to turn her volume down from ROYAL CANTERLOT CAROLING, WASSAIL! to merely normal-pony loud, meaning that the day shift at the castle can actually get some sleep.
Give the Merry Payday Christmas soundtrack a listen. Track 4 is a personal favorite and should be mandatory mall music in my opinion >.>
I think I found some Christmas music that won't send you into a homicidal rage. I've never run into it on a store's playlist, at least.
Really, Estee. I worked so hard to bring you those carols. Commissioning their composition--Britney Spears doesn't work cheap, you know--then hiring platoons of workers in India to call every radio station every day to request "Mary, Did You Know?" Making sure every business owner, great and small, plays every carol, every day. Because My Only Wish is to make sure everyone is Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime. How else Do They Know it's Christmas?