Badfic Slaughterhouse #16 · 4:27am Dec 4th, 2014
Welcome once again to the Badfic Slaughterhouse, wherein I examine most of the stories I slog through—be they good or bad, famous or unknown—recommend the best for your reading pleasure, and throw the worst into a grinder for your twisted amusement.
If you’re not used to seeing this in your feed, that’s probably because you’re tracking There Goes the Neighborhood, which I’ve tagged because I have some news on that front, and including it in this post seems like a better idea than spamming people with multiple blogs in a single day.
As for the news itself, I’m pleased to announce that the lengthy, undeclared hiatus is over, and I’m finally free to resume work on that story. After months of merely pecking out a few words in whatever spare minutes I could scavenge, I did more work on it today than I have in the entire time since the publication of the previous chapter. The work is rolling along, I’m as motivated as I’ve ever been, my obstacles are continuing to vanish, and I’m having a blast writing it, so the wait should be over soon! And after that, I’m getting right to work on the next one! My objective is to complete the story before the end of the year.
Famous last words, indeed.
Now, on to the other matter at hand! If you're just interested in the TGtN news or think this is a total waste of your feed space, you can move on to something else now. Otherwise, click the little green button to see the reviews.
The Three Sisters, by Wanderer D
Tags: Sad, Dark, Adventure
Rating: Teen
Length: 6,388 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: After Rarity is revealed to be a changeling, she tells her story to her friends.
Review: I’ve followed Wanderer D for a long time, but just for his blogs; I had never actually read any of his stories. It seemed like a good time to change that, but which one to choose? Well, the obvious choice was to go for his highest-rated, right? Turns out that one is a sequel. The next one is also a sequel to the same story. The Sweetie Chronicles: Fragments is just too damn long for some light reading, so that one got eliminated. The fourth one was the story that preceded the first two, though, so it was the obvious winner.
Now, look at that synopsis again. If you look at the page, you might notice that no characters are tagged on the story, and the description says nothing about Rarity being a changeling. So why did I drop such a blatant spoiler without bothering to tag it? Because I’m doing a public service.
The story opens with Shining Armor and Cadance doing their magic love bubble thing that makes all the changelings do a Team Rocket, and one of the ponies in the scene is transformed back into a changeling by the blast and smashed against the wall. But the pony isn’t named or described!
Yes, you’re expected to visualize a scene in which one of the main six transforms into a changeling without knowing which one. Screw that! Besides, her identity is revealed a few paragraphs later, so there was no point in concealing it in the first place. There’s no artistic merit. I’m half-inclined to believe withholding her name at the start was just an accident.
Anyway, the main story is told in flashbacks as Rarity recounts her past. The three sisters in the title are the changeling princesses: Chrysalis, Cocoon, and Pupa. They’re sent on a mission that’s supposed to be a competition to determine who will succeed their mother as queen, but for purposes of plot convenience, they all work together.
Things happen, a canon species (diamond dogs) suffers some character assassination, and the climax is resolved by a combination of mystical MacGuffins with ill-defined capabilities, plot device magic, and the power of love. None of the elements that go into it were previously established, so it might even fall into deus ex machina territory.
Being one of Wanderer D’s earlier works, it’s not up to the grammatical standard I associate with his blogs. There are a bunch of of small punctuation errors, generally in dialogue, and a plethora of capitalization errors. It also suffers from a mild case of saidism abuse and a fair amount of passive voice. Overall, though, it’s still written more competently than most of the stories on this site, and the errors don’t detract all that much.
Verdict: If this story was triple the length, I might have liked it. As it stands, it’s rushed, characters are underdeveloped, the scenario is poorly constructed, and the resolution is cheap. If you’re a changeling fan, you’ll probably find some enjoyment in this, but then again, you probably read it ages ago.
An Alicorn in Pegasus Coating, by Foals Errand
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe
Rating: Everyone
Length: 6,558 words (Status: Incomplete – 2/2 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Scootaloo is actually Princess Celestia in disguise.
Review: Okay, I’ll admit I read this because it looked like a car crash. The premise is completely insane. 100% impossible. I figured the leaps of questionable logic it would require would be amusing.
And within a few paragraphs, it managed to piss me off.
Composing herself quickly, she said, “The story, is real? You truly have a little sister on the moon?”
“And she is imprisoned upon its surface.” Celestia allowed a tear to fall down her cheek.
No. Just… no. Authors, please, for the love of all that has a functioning brain, stop doing this! Luna was not *on* the moon; according to the show, Celestia ”banished her permanently in the moon.” I’ve written two different stories because this ridiculous headcanon annoys me so much. The first one was serious, and the second was blatant mockery of the idea’s stupidity.
From there, it annoyed me with a Mary Sue OC in Celestia’s service named Hidden Blade who’s a master assassin, has “legendary” speed, and is trusted by Celestia in ways no other pony is. In 6,500 words, she displays no traits that are presented as faults, and every character thus far has reacted favorably to her, especially Big Mac. Nothing in the scenario has worked against her in any way. The same applies to Celestia, I suppose, but that can be forgiven a little more easily.
The idea of Scootaloo being Celestia in disguise, as I mentioned before, is nothing short of ludicrous.That would mean that Celestia was in two places at once on several occasions, faked some emotional crises, tricked Luna during their dream encounter… Nothing good can come of this.
The focus, however, is currently on the first meeting between Scootalestia and Apple Bloom, along with Hidden Blade (as Clear Skies) striking up a possible romance with Mac. The former story utterly obliterates the plot of Call of the Cutie, but since the CMC were together in the pilot, you can possibly chalk that up to inconsistency in the show. Or maybe the AU tag is supposed to mean that events will play out differently.
Meanwhile, Skies and Mac are showing the signs of a stock romantic subplot, but they manage a few cute moments. I’m not sure I care for Mac speaking as much as he does, and Granny Smith is a little OOC, but these aren’t severe issues.
On a technical level, this is at the upper end of amateurish. While perfectly functional, the prose is often inelegant and focuses way too much on telling what the characters see, hear, and feel instead of trying to evoke those things in the reader’s imagination. Spelling tends to be fine, aside from consistently misspelling dais as dias, and although comma errors are frequent, they’re seldom in distracting places.
Verdict: I have to admit, right from the outset, there was something about this story that rubbed me the wrong way, and it took me a while to figure it out. When it clicked, though, I immediately knew I would never read another word of this story. You see, what this story has done is taken Scootaloo, my favorite filly, and erased her entire existence. I can’t abide that.
However, if you can get past that and forgive some amateurish (albeit functional) prose, as well as faulty logic, you might find an interesting slice of life/romance story. Just don’t expect comedy. It doesn’t live up to that tag at all.
Pinkie’s Party Gift, by Charliebbarkin
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Rating: Teen
Length: 3,273 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Pinkie gets knocked up, but when she finds out the foal is male, she goes around town in search of a cheap abortion.
Review: Well, it was requested, so here goes.
I read this a while back, actually, around the time it was getting hammered for being irredeemably offensive garbage. And yes, it is irredeemably offensive garbage.
Every pony in this story is OOC. Pinkie’s characterization is flawed because the version of Pinkie presented in this story would probably think mother/son incest is hot and keep the foal just for that purpose.
Twilight’s characterization is flawed because she would clearly be happy to magically abort a foal and use its corpse to further the cause of science. Most likely culinary science.
Applejack is out of character because when she’s asked to kick Pinkie’s stomach, she refuses on the grounds that she’d be happy to help get rid of the unwanted colt but doesn’t want to harm Pinkie. We’re talking about a pony who can control the power of her kicks precisely enough to knock a single apple out of a tree. Smashing a fetus should be no problem!
Rarity is OOC because… um… because she threw away items that were out of fashion instead of storing them for when they become retro?
Okay, I’m out of steam on those (admittedly terrible) jokes. Anyway, it’s a despicable story that only the author finds funny. Everyone with even an ounce of humanity—I was shocked to discover that this includes me—hates this thing.
Aside from the content, it’s also written poorly. It’s chock-full of telling, which in hindsight might be a good thing, as that’s less awfulness we have to bother visualizing. There are also frequent grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors.
Verdict: This is awful in every possible sense… and that’s exactly why you should read it. While the story itself isn’t funny, it’s the sort of train wreck that can be fun to gawk at and wonder what the hell someone was thinking when they caused it. Sure, the content is offensive, but if you’ve been in this cesspool for more than a few weeks, you probably have thick enough skin to endure it.
Ransom for a Pretty Pink Princess, by Mysterious Stranger
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover
Rating: Everyone
Length: 3,482 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Kidnappers snatch young Pinkie Pie and try to hold her for ransom, only to find that she’s more trouble than it’s worth.
Review: This one came recommended to me in a discussion of the problems with BronyWriter’s Princess Celestia Gets Mugged, billed as an example of how to use the concept properly. In some ways, it succeeds. In others, not so much.
This story, told in first-person from the POV of one of the kidnappers, moves along at a quick pace, and in a strange twist, that’s actually a problem. While the kidnappers get some basic development, they never really come alive as characters in their own right. They exist in service to the plot, and that makes it hard to connect with their plight. It feels like it’s focused on being a story about filly Pinkie being a scamp.
Pinkie is a lot of fun, however, and easily the strongest character in the piece. Her attitude and motives show clearly in her actions, and the parts with her obliviously tormenting her kidnappers are the best parts of the story. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough of them. Sure, you can’t overplay the concept, but underplaying it can leave an audience unsatisfied as easily as overplaying it bores them. I felt like there was a lot of room for more mischief.
In mechanical terms, the only thing wrong is a handful of missing commas, which isn’t much of a nuisance. However, it has a brutal case of saidism abuse, so if you’re sensitive to that, you’ll want to approach it cautiously. Also, why is there a pony named “Hank”?
Verdict: It may not be a masterpiece, but it’s a fun read, and it’s short enough to be worth your time if you’re looking for a few giggles. It’s a shame it’s not a bit longer, though, since the characters could stand to be developed a bit more, and I really did want more mischief.
Spring is Dumb, by HoofBitingActionOverload
Tags: Romance, Comedy
Rating: Teen
Length: 9,255 words (Status: Complete – 2/2 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash goes around town collecting things that are absolutely not apology gifts for Rarity because she totally has nothing to apologize for.
Review: This story is an odd one, and not in a bad way. The third-person narration makes heavy use of indirect inner monologue, which effectively and entertainingly conveys a frequent sense of mixed anger and guilt. It’s a rare case where emotions are frequently told (rather than shown) in a way that actually works in the story’s favor.
If there’s a fault in the story, it’s that the scenes become a bit repetitive because Dash does the same thing at nearly every stop. At least one of them could have been cut without hurting the narrative. Also, I felt like the amount of sexual innuendo was slightly at odds with the tone.
Mechanically, it’s almost flawless. I don’t like the constant “Rainbow Dash saw X” stuff that appears throughout the story, but that’s a pretty small complaint.
Verdict: A charming story with a charming style. If you like romance, comedy, or unique presentation, I’d recommend checking this out.
Top Gear: The Worst Diplomats in the World, by Blue Tunes
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Adventure, Human
Rating: Teen
Length: 15,207 words (Status: Incomplete – 6/11 chapter(s) read; several others skimmed)
Synopsis: The Top Gear hosts go to Equestria.
Review: I love Top Gear. I’ve loved it for around a decade. Even if this story looked like complete crap, I probably would have read it anyway after learning it exists. To see that it had a fairly good rating was a promising sign of things to come.
Before I get into whether those good things happened or not, let me get this out of the way first. This story is completely inaccessible to anyone who is unfamiliar with Top Gear. If you’ve never seen the show, you should not even attempt to read this story. Instead, you should go watch an episode of Top Gear.
As for the story itself… Well, one of these days, I’ll remember that this is the internet, and we can’t have nice things here. First impressions were bad. There are some odd spelling errors, grammar is weak, and punctuation is poor, with dialogue punctuation in particular ranging from inept to non-existent. Saidism abuse is rampant. So little of the story is actually shown that it manages to take three larger-than-life characters and reduce them to the expressiveness of a South Park storyboard.
The characterization of the Top Gear cast is mostly okay, and there are some genuinely clever jokes, but some of the lines are awkward enough to yank me right out of the story. The scenario, on the other hand, is 100% awful. It starts off with some completely meaningless drivel about real world politicians who don’t play any role in the story, and it takes about half of the first chapter, which is mercifully short, before it gets around to introducing the main characters.
Instead of simply jumping them into Equestria and letting the (attempt at) comedy begin, the story takes its time setting up a backstory for the events, and it’s largely wasted. Why should we care about how the worlds were connected when it isn’t a plot point? Why should we care about a political summit when it has no bearing on the plot? There are times when explaining things makes something worse, and this is definitely one of them. It would have been a hundred times better to put them in Equestria with no explanation and let it be just a silly romp.
Verdict: What a waste of a fun premise. I might be biased, considering that I’m a fan of the show, but the idea of the Top Gear hosts going on a road trip across Equestria sounds great to me. This is just too amateur hour in its execution, though. Not recommended.
Spike Fights The Angle Bunny, by apple short
Tags: Random
Rating: Teen
Length: 1,087 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Spike fights Angel Bunny for the right to bang Rarity, I think.
Review: Prior to Csquared08 gushing over how great this guy is, I had never seen an apple short story before. He’s been gone for well over a year, but back in the day, he was apparently a prolific source of trollfics. As you might recall from an earlier blog, I have a low tolerance for trollfics.
Thankfully, this one wasn’t long enough to reach the limit of my patience. It’s short, stupid, and almost clever in the absurdity of its construction.
I really can’t think of anything else to say, so I’ll let Spike speak on my behalf.
“Fine but mark my words with regret you will forever be displeased with the banning of my love because martin and I will rampage all over to achieve the lust of need that we desire to magnificy to completion.”
Well said, Spike. Well said.
Verdict: It’s a trollfic. If you think trollfics are funny, you’ll love apple short’s body of work. If you’ve never read a trollfic, this is a good introduction.
Tags: Sad
Rating: Everyone
Length: 1,618 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Princess Luna visits the dream of a filly who can’t wake up.
Review: On a conceptual level, there’s a really interesting idea here. It adds a new dimension to Luna’s abilities, and it gives her an entirely new role in the world, in addition to the ones we’ve seen in the show. Sadly, it doesn’t quite fulfill its potential.
A story told in a dreamscape is an opportunity for rich imagery, but that’s skimmed over in favor of dialogue. While the conversation is the core of the story, it does feel like an opportunity has been missed.
The conversation itself is fairly stock. We see Luna lamenting her past as Nightmare Moon, which is anything but new, and the filly spends the story asking tough questions and making observations that seem too mature for a kid.
As it builds toward the end, the meaning of the story starts to come into focus, and there’s nothing unpredictable by the end, but it doesn’t need some big twist. Sometimes, a slow build is the way to go in a sad story because it offers readers a chance to go on an emotional journey instead of getting it all in one big gut punch at the finish. Whether this story will deliver that for others, I can’t say. However, for me, it didn’t do anything.
Verdict: It’s short and has a promising concept, so anyone interested in Luna’s dreamwalking skills should probably have a look. Sadfic fans may or may not find something to like; it’s hard for me to tell since I’m not a fan of the genre.
Wow. It took forever for me to assemble this, partly due to being busy as hell, but also because I screwed around with my bookshelves and lost track of some of what I’ve read recently. I’ll try (and probably fail) to take less time between posts in the future.
Want me to take a shot at a particular story? Make a request in the comments.
Rules:
—It can be yours or someone else’s, and I don’t care whether it’s good or a train wreck.
—You can request a story of any length, but I make no guarantees that I’ll read it, and I may not finish long ones.
—One request per person per review post, and only on the most recent one.
—If I don’t like your story, don’t be butthurt over it. It's just one guy's opinion, and I'll probably recommend it for someone, even if I hate it.
>apple short
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees
Give in to the awkward sentence structure that is apple short.
Next time, you should look at "Graaa! [lots of words]"
If only for the title.
Once again, this had me laughing at parts. Well done, and well worth the wait, Prak. Take what time you need. Life happens, and I, for one, will be happy to wait. These are always enjoyable.
For serious, balls of steel badfic:
Flash Sentry had Balls of Steel
I am ashamed to say this is the stupidest thing I have ever written. So, um, badfic ahoy!
Thanks, I had almost managed to forget that steaming pile of horseapples actually existed...
The sequel is worse. (Yes, he had the chutzpah to actually write a sequel to that piece of crap,)
2632766
I don't think I'll be reviewing any more of them since there's not much to say, but I might read that anyway.
2632773
Hm. That looks like a fun thing to write about.
2632841
Well, it was requested.
And besides, I may have reminded you that it existed, but you just revealed to me that it has a sequel, which I never knew. I think you did more damage.
All of my stories.
2632854
Well, here's a nice heartwarming story about Scootaloo to make up for it. (No, not mine, you've already read and favorited that one.) It has many good feels to wash the bad taste of those other fics out of your brain.
2632883 And once you have that bad taste washed out of your mouth (seriously, Taste of the Good Life is darned good), you can celibrate the new yuletide season with the worst entertainer of them all, How The Great and Powerful Trixie Stole Hearth's Warming. Yeah, it's bad. Don't approach it seriously. I spread my apologies around wide when I wrote it.
Hopefully it's not badfic, but I wouldn't mind folks having a look at Three Nights in the run-up to Christmas, since I'm hoping to do a bit of revision and make an EQD push with it around the holiday.
2632961
I could have sworn I read that ages ago... I guess I need to make up for lost time.
I've only written two fics but hey, pick one and mock away if you feel like it. More feedback is always good.
2633013
Huh. I dunno. I don't seem to have comments from you on it, but I don't know how often you comment on stories after reading them. I've gotten really bad about it myself, too, now that I do reviews, since most of the stories I read I'm reading for my review blogs anyway.
2633074
Sorry, I wasn't clear. I meant that I thought I had read that story, but it's still sitting in RL limbo.
CAN I GET A "BOO-YA"?!
2632841
2632854 And there are no words in any mortal tongue that can describe how sorry I am for hurting you all so. In penance, I will suggest Estee's If Rainbow Dash Can't sleep... for review, and to suggest the incredibly silly Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Twilight Sparkle! as a brain-scrubbing bit of personal reading.
Be glad you didn't listen to the reading of Three Sisters I did. The story of Princess Poopa was not something I could handle. :B
Oh god, apple short. XD Too much. Now I want you to look at my fic Like a G5, if only because it shouldn't be nearly as bad as the stuff you read this time around. (Although it probably is.)
2633384
I actually don't listen to readings. Too slow for my tastes. Sounds like I missed some unintentional comedy on that one, though.
I wasn't hitherto aware that you did reviews; following.
I'd be honored if you might take a look at this one of mine, The Living Science of Flight. It's an older one, riding the line somewhere between comically ridiculous and just plain bad.