Straightforward review; the 7th element · 2:25am Nov 30th, 2014
Hello everyone, chaos2012 here to bring you a review of a story that in fact was the very first mlp fanfic that I ever read.
Yep, of all mlp fics to start my introduction into fanfics for this fandom, this was the one. Many don't like the thought of 7th element stories, but at the time it was still an original idea to play off. I'll be honest, when I first read it, it was an enjoyable story that I did put to the top of my favorites list. But after a few weeks of reading and seeing other stories I noticed the flaws back in it. After a few months and looking at it again... I noticed many other things that
Pretty much make this story.... How do I put it...
Well, how about I start it out how it starts.
The story opens up with Dan, our main character in the human world who is down on his luck when he didn't get chosen for the school play. This due to being unpopular and social status.
Okay yes, he's the average sad, unpopular kid who wants something better that always is in these stories. But the one thing I do like is how he isn't a brony. To me, it's more interesting when the character coming to Equestria has no knowledge of what that world is.
Anyway, Celestia talks to him giving him the chance to come to her world. Arriving as a Pegasus, which he actually gets over the shock in about ten seconds, he walks towards Ponyville and meets probably the single most used character in all mlp that is paired with humans.
Did you honestly expect anyone other than Rainbow dash?
That isn't a problem to me though. Back to the story, it has Dan , going as the name Blue Bass or simply Ace, is meeting the others across the town and forming a relationship with Rainbow, which begins growing over time. The thing is this is the smoother part of the story. It gives a curious mix to the characters at what's going to happen next with them. Even showing how Applejack shows interest In Ace as well.
"All yours, brony." The DJ smiled and said to Ace
Alright, I'll give you credit for that pun.
The stallion took the bits and said, "That's all I need, brony. Keep up the good work at the club!"
Uhh, ok, don't push it.
"Hey brony, wanna hang out some time? I can get us in to the club for free."
Okay, we got it.
Big Mac smiled, "Eeyup, I'm in. Sounds like a rip-snortin' good time. Brohoof?"
Stop man.
"I swear I heard something, bronies..."
If I hear it one more time....
"Okay, bronies, haha, really funny. C'mon out..."
It gets really annoying when authors have to constantly throw little things in this story to remind us about the brony name. And trust me, they say it allllloooot more than this.
Anyway,As the story goes on though, a small fight breaks out between rainbow and Ace when she grows jealous of another mare she thought was getting close to him, which pushes them apart at the moment. But emotional problems are on hold when Discord breaks free!!!!!
The problem though, is this is where the story seems to take a downfall. Here we get Discord simply murdering ponies in cold blood now, something that never came into his mind ever. It just seems like a drastic change even though it's revenge. I'm still letting it slide though.
Now a battle takes place between the ponies and the sudden and never explained army at Discords command of dragons, diamond dogs and griffons. When getting injured, Ace finally admits his love for rainbow and they kiss, then unleashing his power as ....
Wait for it...
Wait....
The 7th element of harmony! Love!
Yeah me too.
Not only that, but as they reach the castle, Discord goes into battle with ace alone, the two evenly matched most of the time.
So Discord, the god of chaos who effortlessly defeated the sister princesses Is being held back by a single element bearer and his power? This guy literally turned the world on its head by snapping his claws can't simply defeat Ace? Not only that, how can ace use his element? Wasn't the point of the elements was that they had to all be used together? But since it's fanfiction and there is no set rules for a 7th element I'm still allowing it.
So after a battle finally closes, Ace ends up killing discord. But that doesn't matter, because there is a new villain on their way.
Applebitch!
I'm serious, Applejack just seemed to piss me off through this story. I know it shows she really liked Ace, yet it seems she is stubborn she wont see he doesn't want her. Ace and rainbow freakin activated the element of love together, kinda shows something.
"But hey, Rarity seemed she did the same thing with applejack in that one episode!"
That isn't the same. Applejack didn't even like the guy and all rarity was doing was becoming something she wasn't to impress him. In this fic, it's totally different. It clearly shows he and rainbow like each other yet she still wants to take him.
So holding off on applebitch, Ace decides to tell Rainbow the truth on who he is, which at first makes her mad for deceiving her. After talking with Celestia though, she realizes she doesn't care about that and still loves him. Then comes what most fans of this fic wanted.
Off screen clop!
Ok, maybe not what all you fans wanted, but yeah, they bang. And when applebitch finds out, she still gets pissed and wants to steal Ace away. Yeah, that's the kind friend you are Applejack. Bravo, bravo.
So two days later (remember that) they go to the gala, and of course Applebitch gets a dance with ace and kisses him. Can't wait to see what rainbow does when she-
ZEBRAS ATTACK!!!
Yeah, out of nowhere, these zebras come and kidnap rainbow, so instead of internal drama which would have been more enjoyable, we get a feels like a freakin transformer movie and adding another plot line to the story.
So the leader wanting all seven elements or he kills her, escapes when it shows he knows Ace is really the human Dan.
So even though zebras have sorcery, how would they simply know he is a human by looking at him? Even Zecora simply talks to him and knows he's not a pony. Freakin discord is like the most powerful character and he couldn't even tell as they fought!? Care to explain?
And then when Dan (gonna call him that as his real name now) and the girls to to rescue her, they come across a new alicorn named Lunar Eclipse.
"What?" He smiled. "Did you really think the Alicorn race was extinct? That the only ones left were your Princesses?"
"Well...yeah!" Dan said, standing up and feigning a fighting stance. "It was pretty much implied that Celestia and Luna were the only ones left after that war 30 years ago!"
Seriously? You are really going to try this? You actually are trying to say there are multiple alicorns that died in a war thirty years ago? Freakin Luna was on the moon when this supposed war happened, and she was simply a myth after a thousand years. You actually are trying to say that a war that happened only thirty years ago killed most of the alicorns and yet no one knows about it? Come on! Don't just create new characters and try to do a half assed excuse about it! You have to make it believable!
Now this new alicorn explains that they don't need the elements to use them, they just have to believe in themselves and they will have their powers.
....
....
....
So they reach the place where Rainbow is held captive, and both Dan and Lunar Eclipse battle the zebra Anansi, but he is too strong for them.
You mean to say that this zebra is stronger than Discord? What in the literal hell kind of thing is that? Dan in one on one battle fought discord and almost held his own, and now he also has an alicorn helping him and they are still losing? God I got a headache but I must go on!
In the end they end up defeating him, and Rainbow almost dies, but then hit hits.
She's pregnant.
Oh come on!!!!!! Remember when I said remember the gala was only two days after they banged, and she says she was gonna tell him then. You seriously are trying to say in only two days she knew she was pregnant? Shit man! Continuity roller coaster here!
Then it reveals she will birth an alicorn due to dans magic and Lunars magic that saved her. And apparently it's the first alicorn born in hundreds of years.
Oh yeah there was one about 400 years ago, but he's gone due to plot convenience.
As time goes on, it shows Dan wants to stay here to be with Rainbow dash instead of go home, ok ok. They have a baby later and all seems good.
Then, the bullshit meter snaps.
Celestia and the others tell him he must leave and go back to earth due to universal energy. They left earth frozen in time to keep him here and must send him back and let time go again.
Wow, how about letting him know that before, Celestia. You are a troll, but this is beyond.
Why in the hell did you even ask if he wanted to stay without telling him this? Or why not just let time go on in the human world and he stay? Why does he need to go back? Honestly, this wanting to be sad ending is one of the most forced closings I've read on this site. It just makes me mad, not sad at all.
So he says goodbye and leaves, the end.
So there ya go, my review of my first ever mlp fanfic read.
While it did have a lot of flaws, I will still give it credit for being original at the time. It did help me get into writing, so right there is a massive plus.
Over all, it's a still entertaining story that is enjoyable for readers.
So there is my first hard critic review. What fic should I do now? Let me know along with your thoughts on this review. And if you like what you saw and want more, suggest this to others and get more to see this. Heck, call the author and show him, I want some entertainment.
See ya!
Quick questions, do the stories have to be complete when we suggest them? Or can they be incomplete when we send you the suggestions?
2624092 depends on the story. A majority of times it may be better to see the end since it would let me see the ending how it plays out
Very well written. Loved the memes found them hilarious. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you probably won't review my story since I only have about 2 chapters, well technically 3 it's just unpublished...
Nice review! Ya know I think I have a few people that would like to see this.
This is a good start, and I loved your use of the Apple Bloom "Seriously?" bit. I use a clip of the other one (from One Bad Apple) a lot.
Are you asking for stories that we love, or ones that you can snark about? And do you have an upper limit on word count?
Seriously just found this after watching NC, you've got the style down. You should review Rise of the Dragonking by Scarheart. That was the first real fic I found on this site. Then maybe do Princess Celestia: the Changeling Queen by vren55. And maybe my story, Gilded Lily.
2624538 honestly, if the story has amazing parts or has great character scenes, I will have times going
"Dude, spike...
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/196/852/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-like-a-boss.jpg
I can be super positve as well as negative
And length may be a factor. Fallout equestria? Uhhh no
2624553 So, nothing approaching 600,000 words? Can you narrow it down any further?
In the meantime I can recommend Eakin's Hard Reset (plus sequels) and A Taste of the Good Life.
2624550 oh Hai Aurora. Thanks for the rec.
2626047 Hehe, you know Nostalgia Critic doesn't hate every movie he reviews. I don't know what you're worried about, unless you have some reason to be worried over a possible NC-style review.
2626047 Lemme just give him the link...
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/82748/princess-celestia-the-changeling-queen
There we go!
2626060 I'm actually not worried. Or... well I'm more intrigued to see what Chaos will come up with rather than worried. I've gotten Harrisay reviews that are literally walls of text (you'll find them in the comments of my story). I can take an NC style review
Finally finished the review....
That was just not a good story. I can't see why you are even conceding the fact that it was original. SOOO MANY CLICHESSSSS.
You may want to give this author a look.
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/monsterlord18
His 'Friends from unexpected places' was the first real fanfic I ever read. Oh, and a little tip, all of his stories are connected in some way so its up to you if you want to read them all.
Pretty good review. Can't wait to see what other schemes you have in store.