Hey, who put all those cob webs up there?

So yeah, I've been having troubles. All of the troubles, even.

But enough of that, I've been working on FANFICTION!

So yeah, this was supposed to be done over a month ago, but again, stuff. What it be is the other "half" of Anywhere But Here. It's called "Anywhere But Here: Odds and Ends" and it tells the story of all the wild wasteland adventures Rita and Double Tap had before they got the contract to kill Littlepip. The first story is called "Good Help is Hard to Find" and it goes into the partner Rita had before Double Tap.

And I just gotta give you the heads up, it is gonna be... messy. There will be sexcapades of a decidedly depraved nature, there will scenes of great violence and gore, and this is not a story of redemption (if anything, the characters will become worse people in your eyes with each chapter). But if you don't mind nasty, messy, adventures starring a pair of assholes, then you're gonna have some fun! Yeah, it's based in the Fallout Equestria universe, but I assure you, I wrote it specifically with non-readers of that mammoth in mind.

Have a taste after the break:

The bartender made a noise between a grunt and a growl and went down the bar, far away from the chattering griffon. Rita drummed her talons on the bar to the rhythm of the sad music crooning from the old jukebox as her eyes drifted over the nearby patrons. To her left, a tough looking unicorn in a bulky black jacket sat slamming shot after shot of whiskey. But what caught her eye wasn’t his alcohol tolerance or his muscled physique, it was the patch on his right shoulder depicting a lightning bolt coming from a cloud.

Rita’s eyes lit up like sparklers and she immediately began jabbing the pony in the side with a curled finger. “Excuse me,” she said quickly, poking with each word. “You, sir, hey, you. Hey. Sir. Hey.”

With all the speed of mountain erosion, the pale yellow pony, turned to look at her. “What the fuck do you want?”

“Hi,” she said, sitting back and giving a warm smile. “Are you a fellow fan of the fastest, bluest, and coolest pony to ever dance on clouds?”

The pony stared at her slack jawed and bleary eyed. Rita reached out and tapped twice on the patch. She spoke fast, excitement raising her voice, “This here. This is the mark of one of the six Ministry Mares, Rainbow Dash, head of the Ministry of Awesome and the first recorded pony to perform a sonic rainboom.”

Rita’s eyes rolled up as she went through her mental index. “She was the last captain of the stunt flyers, the Wonderbolts before the group was dissolved and reformed into the tactical strike force, the Shadowbolts. Of the six Ministry Mares, she was the only one to see front line combat. She had the most confirmed kills of any pony during the war and that was before she went into the more hush-hush kinda jobs!”

When Rita stopped to take a breath, the dazed unicorn spoke up. “Lady, I have no idea what the fuck you’re blathering about. I bought this jacket from a merchant years ago. The patch just shows that I strike fast, ya know, like lightning.”

“Oh,” Rita slumped on her bar stool, her entire body deflating, the light going from her eyes. She perked up instantly as a thought popped in her head. “Do you remember the merchant’s name or description, or their route, or where they are now?”

“No,” the unicorn tilted back his head and let out a harsh laugh. “It was fucking years ago, and whoever he was, he’s probably dead by now. What the fuck do you-” When he looked back to Rita, she had turned away from him and was back to sipping her drink, as if she’d never noticed him. His face went red, “Hey, I was talking to you! You bothered me, ya fucking chicken puss!”

The sound of the front doors slamming open quieted the bar. The ancient looking bartender looked to the front door and then went back to tending the bar with something resembling a smile on his face. The brutish unicorn looked back to the door with a sneer on his lips. His eyes went wide and he grabbed up his last shot in a levitation field and gulped it down. He hopped off the barstool and swiftly all but galloped away, leaving far too many caps on the counter.

Out of the corner of her eye, Rita looked over the newcomer; more than half of his body was draped in heavy iron armor that was held together with a series of chains. What drew her attention most was the helmet topped with two branching spikes, swept back and stained red. What was visible of the pony underneath was coated in in a dark grey, the only real sign of color was the hay colored tail and the few strands on his lantern jawed face.

His dark, deep set eyes turned to her. “I’ve been told that a short griffon with a Pip-Buck is looking for me,” he said evenly. “I was told that she has need of my services in removing some raiders. Are you she?”

“You’re the Iron Stag?” Rita asked the armored pony who only held his gaze. Rita tossed back what was left of her drink, scrunching up her face at the taste. She then daintily set the empty glass on the bar and rotated on the squeaky stool to face the stallion. She looked him over for a moment before settling back, talons in her lap and head cocked at angle. “You’re not a stag at all,” she said, a frown tugging at the corners of her mouth, “Your name is dumb,” Rita looked up and away, tapping the side of her beak with her index talon, deep in thought. “You should be called the Big-Pony With The Stabby-Horn-Hat.”

Comments

[Arcane Scroll]

Oh wow, I can't wait!

[Stonershy]

192100
And he was worried it wouldn't be good!