The Cynical Brony: Episode 2 REVISED Edition: "Crystal Empire Review" · 4:11am Nov 15th, 2014

Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! Enjoy that opening while it lasts, I'm expecting the Nostalgia Critic to sue me... anyways! Season 3! Not a lot of people liked it. In fact, this season made 50% of Bronies do this:

What started this fall from grace in a large groups eyes? Obviously Twilicorn, but Sombra didn't help. "Oh Sombra, whatever have you done? Your character was undeveloped and simply wasn't fun!"
So, the episode starts with Celestia doing Princess-y things when a guard dramatically kicks the door open. 'For to long you've ruled! Sic Semper Tyrannous!' No, instead he just runs in. Well, MLP Drinking game rule #273: Every time someone's over dramatic in an episode, take a shot. *raises glass* "News from Northern Equestria!" *spits out alcohol* Cough, Cough What the Hell is with his voice?! He sounds like a drunk teenager trying to do a Christian Bale impression! "It has returned." Oh no, the Thing is back! Nuke the base from orbit! And Celestia starts writing a letter to Twilight. 'Dear Twilight Sparkle, get you and your little click over here and solve my problems, you stupid teenagers! Why does everyone expect the immortal, invincible sun goddess to deal with it?' Queue the theme song!

We cut to Ponyville, and Twilight is showing signs of her insanity from Lesson Zero. Spike is standing, doing nothing but vaguely count as alive while Twilight desperately searches for... something. I honestly have no clue. Then Twilight kills Spike with a giant book.

Or at least that's what would happen if Spike wasn't made of rubber, or, God forbid, GAK. As Spike crawls out from under the book, he tells Twilight to calm down.
Those were the last words he ever said. Twilight decides to punish him and her friends who teleported in at some point by blowing them all up! I don't think I have enough "They'll never find the body" memes to cover this amount of... total annihilation in this scene! What the Hell, Twi?! After seeing the library EXPLODE, we fade back to Canterlot where Princess Celestia has pulled more stained glass windows AND space for them out of the same hole in the universe Shining and Cadence came into existence from. They make them pretty fast for creatures without any thumbs. LUUUUUUUUNAAA!!!! OH MY GOD, SHE'S ON SCREEN AND TALKING! :O Wanna bet she does nothing for the rest of the two parter? :/ Yeah, as always, Luna just serves as a fan pleasing, talking Easter egg. She thinks the immortal space gods should actually do something instead of forcing teens to nearly get themselves killed so they can learn why friendship is special, but Trollestia says otherwise.
Celestia gives some foreshadowing for Magical Mystery Cure until Twilight decides she doesn't want to know the future. "Um, hello." Or maybe Fluttershy showed up instead, based on that dialogue. Who wrote this? McCarthy? :O That explains Twilight's insanity and the less than stellar villain, but not the odd dialogue. I'll let it slip this time, and chalk it up to Twilight being nervous. Anyways, Celestia explains that the empire has returned and that Twilight must protect it as her test. 'Okay, but I'll have to do it without my friends or Spike, they're kind of dead.'
Enter Sombra: or as I like to call him, Black and Red unicorn OC #1000000. Sombra is this red and black unicorn who's evil because you don't get stuck with a name like King Shadow and become a librarian. Oh, and REAL creative name, calling him the Spanish word for Shadow. He took over the Crystal Meth Empire and tried to make it a legitimate pharmacy, but Celestia and Luna didn't like competition with their own drug ring and called him a dictator, banishing the "evil" leader of all the bad MLP OC's and his minions to the artic. Then they shot the empire into the future, claiming that it was Sombra's last, incredibly evil act. Or that's how it really happened. Celestia says he was evil, yada yada yada.
Then Twilight starts singing. In the middle of a crowded city. And then started dancing as well. Why wasn't Sparkle thrown in an Asylum long ago?! Oh God, she drove the ghost of Spike crazy to- wait, what?! We saw Twilight blow him up! How is he alive, and suddenly in Canterlot?! They dance through Canterlot, not getting so much as a sideways glance towards the Mad Mare singing and twirling with her pet dragon. "Twilight!" So apparently everyone survived Twilight's nuclear rampage through Ponyville. Oh right, a cartoon about magical talking ponies. I forgot. "Crystal what?" You know, where Walter makes the meth! Applejack went there in Applebuck Season, if you remember how she was acting in that episode.
Huh, apparently along with making stained glass windows, these ponies can make perfectly accurate train routes to long lost civilizations, get them onto the transport queue, AND have a train leave to go to said lost civilization in just 4 HOURS. Want to explain how they could do that? No? 'Kay then. The Mane 6 meet up with Shining Armor in a Star Wars homage, and get attacked by Sombra. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant the death cloud from Lost. Seriously? I get that he's part shadow, but you couldn't think of anything other than the Lost death cloud, right down to it's moaning and clicking noises? Oh, and Prince Not-so Charming over here still looks like a plastic doll with his unblinking eyes.
After trying to fight off the God/Death Cloud monster/Drug Lord/Dictator, Shiny can't use his horn anymore because he was a fool with his tool. We then see the Crystal Empire! And it's France! Think about it: Cadence is the princess of love, they have something that looks like the Eiffel Tower in the middle of the city, everyone's a jerk, and surrender to Sombra almost immediately! I'm joking for those last two, but yeah, it's France. As they walk through the city, we cut to Cadence looking like most wives do when they realize they married the wrong guy. After confirming that she's not a changeling, Twilight talks to Cadence and is worried when she nearly goes into a coma right in front of her. Apparently she's the one making the shield, even though A Canterlot Wedding CLEARLY SHOWED THAT HIS SPECIALTY IS SHIELD SPELLS. And because he didn't look where he stuck his horn, Shining can't do the spell now.

But Cadence does get a good joke off, though. "One of these days, we'll have to get together when the fate of Equestria isn't in the balance." Oh, you will. You'll risk losing your lives by fighting an Arizona Bull Worm and your sanity by putting up with Discord for it, but you will. "Crystal ponies?!" JESUS! A little warning before you pull a jump scare, Rarity! I get that you want to meet the Crystal Meth ponies, but that will have to wait! After that, we fade to the city. Twilight's trying to talk to the crystal ponies, but I guess their meth wore off because they seem to be in a deep depression. "Have we really been gone a thousand years?" 0.0 So many jokes I can make here! Behold, my top 5 jokes for this scene!
5. 'Has Portal 3 or Counter Strike 5 come out since we were gone?'
4. I guess they're out of meth, but they sure do sound high!
3. "Days turned into centuries, patience had to fade!"
2. Wibbly Wobbly Timey Why are we still alive?
1. I guess a big blue city works as good for time travel as a small blue box!
We cut to Rainbow, who's playing bad cop with the tortured souls. Ever hear of 'crossing the line, twice', Dash? -_- Next is Fluttershy, who's being to much of a useless brick of shyness to get any information. Then she sees to ponies at a table, and as she walks over she looks like she's more interested in Mortal Combat than getting info. We see Pinkie doing her best Solid Snake impression in the background, and here's one of my main issues with The Crystal Empire: the pacing. It can't decide it wants to take a slow and eerier approach or a fast paced one, so we keep flying between these two paces without a moment to actually realize what the Hell is going on! Choose one and stick with it!
Anyways, back to the episode. Pinkie's antics are pretty funny, so you can see the best for yourselves. Rarity is being the stuck up, greedy jerk she always is in season openers instead of asking people about something that could save the world. We cut back to the Not-Eiffel Tower where the girls meet up. Oh, hello Fluttersh- what the Hell?! Pinkie?! Why are you wearing a Fluttershy suit, wait, scratch that, why do you have a Fluttershy suit?! Oh God, now the real Fluttershy is stepping in it. Just look at her! She's probably thinking, 'What is this? Is this... my skin?!' *sees Pinkie* 'Oh, that explains it.' We move to the library, where the librarian is even more useless than Sombra. Since this is animation, everyone assumes all the answers are in the middle of the book. Hey girls, why not look for the one with the big symbol on it? That's usually the type of book that holds the world saving McGuffins. Speaking of which: why didn't you bring the Elements of Harmony? Sombra could be just like Luna, just purge him of evil! No? You want to kill him even though it's been proven time and time again that these things can make evil people good? 'Kay then.
Why does Rainbow Dash need a ladder? She has wings! Why doesn't she just fly up there?! Oh. That's why, to be a book-apult and to curse Fluttershy apparently. She went under the ladder, and superstitions in the MLPverse have been shown to be true most of the time. "Anyone else startin' to think that this is a lost cause?" Applejack, how can you say that when the empire needs- "Yes!" :O Well, if Twilight says so. Enjoy enslavement and decades of torture, Crystal Ponies!

Okay, fine. I may have taken that slightly out of context. Twilight really just found the book she was looking for. Le gasp! It's a book with the interesting cover, just like I said it would be! "I just hope it has the answers we need." >:) 'How to dance: Crystal Empire mix...' So we find that it talks about basically having a county fair to make the crystal ponies happy again. That sounds like it would work. Song time!
Wow, Pinkie really sucks on the flugel horn. So Twilight, Cadence, and Shining walk onto the balcony to address the lesser beings- I mean peasants- I mean, crystal ponies. A couple minutes pass, some slapstick, and then Cadence looks like she's died. Onto part two!

So I guess Cadence had a stroke, and because of that, Sombra got in. Cadence: Princess of Love and Bringer of Death. At the last second, she gets the shield back up and slices off Sombra's horn. Yep, she just did an impromptu lobotomy/amputation. He's gonna feel that in the morning. Sorry if this review seems a little boring, I just don't have nearly as much materiel than I thought I did. "Who wants a flugel horn?" How much, Dash? "I wanna flugel horn!" Oh Hell no, this horn is mine, Pinkie! 100 bits, take it or leave it. "Who else wants a flugel horn?" Damn it! I didn't bid high enough! Spike finds Twilight and wants to come with her. After some back and forth, she agrees. "Not a claw, Spike." 'This entire civilization will die if I fail, but I wanna past my test, dammit!'
Applejack stalls for a bit, Rainbow Dash starts a jousting ring, and we cut back to Twilight and Spike looking for the heart. Notice how she doesn't care about the thousands of lives that will end if she fails, just the fact that she failed a test. Our hero, everyone! Whenever Spike tries to help, Twilight gets on his case. That brings us to problem #2: Twilight is a self-centered idiot in this 2-parter! All she cares about is her passing the test, not the consequences if she fails the empire. While I let McCarthy slide earlier, this is a legitimate problem with the whole thing. And she doesn't even learn anything new, because she already learned self sacrifice 2 seasons ago! Back to the episode.
Then Twilight uses dark magic. -_- Prepare the weights and pot of water. After she becomes Sombra for a bit, the true enemy of the episode is revealed: Stairs! Yes, Sombra apparently really liked stairs and had a mile long spiral staircase. Then we get treated to a full 2 minutes screen-time with nothing but Twilight walking down stairs. McCarthy, you f*cked up. Massively. Why did you think this was a good idea? How did this get past the editor's desk? What did Sombra need with all these God damn stairs?!
Whatever. Twilight finds a door, and we get 25 seconds of our lives wasted as Twilight tries to open the door. If I may, I suggest you

Can you tell I'm not fond of this 2-parter yet? I know, I've been 'very' subtle about it, but it's there. Twilight FINALLY gets the door open by using more black magic. Yay, this things already over half way done! She walks in, and doesn't question why she's suddenly in Canterlot, nor that Celestia is acting awfully out of character. "You failed the test! You won't move to the next level. In fact, you won't continue your studies AT ALL!" Good. Twilight finally realizes how important this thing actually is. So then Twilight mopes and lies down crying by another stained glass window that just popped into existence and starts crying.

Spike finds Twilight staring awkwardly at the door. After calling her name 5 times, she snaps out of it. Then Twilight uses Spike as a Lab Rat to test if it's dark magic. Nice one, Twi. After this being conformed from Spike living his worst fear, Twilight abandoning him, they two have a legitimately nice moment, Ah, that's actually really touching and shows character growth. Well, time to fight the evils of stairs again! We cut outside, and we see Cadence's magic give out and Sombra start assimilating things. Meanwhile, Dash and Fluttershy start jousting. It is nothing but filler. Moving on, Spike and Twilight are still on the staircase. Is it like that one from Mario 64? The more steps you take, the longer it gets?

Then Twi breaks the laws of physics by reversing gravity. If she could do that, why didn't she do it immediately? Back to the city, and people are starting to notice the place smells a bit like evil Hell demon. Can we please stop cutting back and forth? If it happens again, I'm cutting it out of the review.
Applejack, you know they can hear you, right? I know you're an inbred moron, but still. We cut back again to Twilight, who is still breaking the universe. They get to the heart after a bit, and Twilight sets off Sombra's security system. She gets locked away like the madmare she is and it's up to Spikey Whikey to save the day from the evil Hell beast of death. So Spike jumps out the window WITH the Crystal Heart TOWARDS the King, saying he has a plan.

Right before the King reaches Spike...

Seriously. So here's another top 5 jokes for this scene!
5.

4. Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's after Sombra we go!
3. 'And Shining Armor lines it up, he throws, and the Cadence goes right into the goal! Touchdown!'
2. I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!
1. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's- a Deuce Ex Machina!
So Sombra gets blown up, The Mane 6 get to be crystal ponies for a bit, and Twilight passed her test. Oh, and Luna pulls out the Black Book from Fallout: Equestria. Final thoughts: This is the only two parter that I didn't like all the way through. It was full of filler, didn't teach us much new about the characters, and good God, Sombra. What the Hell, guys? He could have been so much more! But, instead we got an empty shell, like most red and black unicorn OC's. I'm The Cynical Brony, and oh, here's my CAD order from both Hasbro AND Disney.

Credits:
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc.
"The Crystal Empire: Parts 1 and 2" written by Megan McCarthy.
"The Incredibles" Is owned by PIXAR and Disney.
"Sombra: A Discord Parody" made by P^3
"Crawling" by Lincoln Park
Clips:
The Nostalgia Critic
Monty Python and The Holy Grail
The Incredibles

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Anima Reaper

Anima Reaper #1 · Nov 19th, 2014 · · ·

wow i am late to the party ......shit........anyway this had a lot of valid points in it i mean most of this stuff never crossed my mind but after reading this i started thinking and piecing things together and after much more reading and researching i have finally came to a conclusion.........funnyden.com/funnypics/11262/Capture.JPG ...........but back to the review thanks for blessing me with your wisdom and now i gotta go catch up on the other reviews you did -runs out the door-.....oh god im so far behind......he is so gonna unfollow me for this

The Cynical Brony