Door Matt vs The Feature Box #1 · 12:39am Nov 12th, 2014
Well I promised it, and here it is. Door Matt’s first batch of Feature Box Reflections™. Patent pending.
Yes, even though I have a full-time job, a fic or two to update, and a bulging Read Later list, I figured I may as well kill off all remaining free time I have by taking an all too close look at the fics currently stinking up FimFic’s glorious homepage, since as mentioned in my previous post, the two usual authors doing this are taking a break / injured.
Let’s kick things off shall we?
I wish I had some of this to hand
The first thing I should mention is that (at the time of writing) two fics currently in the Box are part of a long-running series (“An Affliction of the Heart”, apparently), and I just do not have the time or motivation to sink into catching up on the lore there. This means reading these two would be pointless, as I wouldn’t have proper context, so I’m replacing them with the top story in the Popular Stories sidebar. Might as well start with that one.
May the Force Be With Y'all by Your Antagonist
While cleaning up after a particularly hectic Cutie Mark Crusader sleepover, Rarity and Apple Jack stumble across a couple of toy lightsabers. Havoc ensues.
First Look:
Your Antagonist gets massive points first off with the chapter title alone. Brought a slight chuckle out of me.
Thoughts:
There’s no need to summarize this story since that description more than does the job. This is an above average comedy fic with some really quite good action scenes, especially concerning the pacing. Some of the sentence descriptions are a tad wordy, but nothing off-puttingly bad. I am a huge fan of the dialogue YA uses and there are some exceedingly memorable lines here that I might even manage to remember after a few hours. Even the references are pulled off pretty well, if somewhat on the ‘subtle-as-a-brick’ side.
There are a few things I didn’t appreciate. The one or two moments of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, the line where Rarity talks to herself (a personal bugbear of mine, much prefer thoughts), and the usage of “land’s sake”. I don’t get this trend at all, and I see it increasingly nowadays. If it’s supposed to be an alternative to “God’s sake”, then why the deuce was “land” chosen? There’s no connection there! Also, I do wonder if the Crossover tag might’ve been a good idea, considering just how blatant the Star Wars integration is.
May the Force ultimately elevates itself above the usual comedic fare, even if the grammar goes a bit pear-shaped towards the end. That said, I will always appreciate any sneaky Final Fantasy references, and really, who can ignore a fic that successfully integrates a German Suplex into the plot? I’m by no means a wrestling fan...but even I’ll admit that you just can’t write a bad fic with the usage of suplexes. You can’t!
Remember kids. Always practise on harmless and possibly endangered animals
Should you read this?
It’s pretty short, pretty sweet and pretty fun. So sure.
Milk-a-Mare by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is a sequel to Gleaming Shield's Teats
The mares of Equestria have a problem, a problem that apparently only you can help with.
First Look:
Aw hell. It only took two fics to get to my first dodgy one? Piss-cakes.
Thoughts:
I don’t...I just…”swollen teats”...I uhh…..ummm…..oh God….
This is admittedly actually pretty well written, at least the parts I dared to read. The issue here is that I’m too busy trying to purge my thoughts of each passing sentence to take any of it seriously. I know (or hope) that you’re not supposed to take any of this seriously...but still...I feel like I need to take a shower already...is this the fabled clop I’ve heard so much about? Or is this just some really demented s***?
Should you read this?
If you are that creepy sort of bastard who visits a very particular kind of porn site, then absolutely. You should have no problem knocking one out over this. For everyone else, unless you have some brain bleach at hand, stay the fark away.
Preservation of Innocence by The Weakest Link
Hunter is a human that has been in Equestria for about a month, and has come to a realization:
The ponies are completely ignorant to the less innocent things in life. The young man isn't about to ruin this image the ponies have made for themselves, and just tries to live day by day in a world not meant to house him without destroying its delicate balance.
First Look:
I actually read this one before I knew I was gonna do these ‘reviews’. At 5000-ish words, I figured it wasn’t going to kill too much time, and the description intrigued me.
Thoughts:
This is one of those fic’s where 5000 words feels like 10,000. It starts off fairly well until the main character (Hunter) starts describing one too many talents of his, which set off Gary Stu alarms in my head. And then as if the author was sort-of aware of this issue, Hunter is put into a ‘conflict’ around halfway through with Pinkie. However when the conflict is as predictable and quite easily resolved as it is here, it adds about as much depth as a puddle to proceedings. This isn’t how you make a complex character folks. The fic meanders pretty much for the rest of the way, and re-reading it again for this lookback made me realise I hadn’t remembered any of it. I will say I did laugh at “the Claw” line though, where The Weakest Link pulls off some great Pinkie Pie interaction. Not often I see that.
Should you read this?
It’s harmless but a bit all over the place in terms of focus. Probably not, in that case.
The Evening Sonata by Daniel-Gleebits
It has been weeks since the defeat of the Dazzlings, and Sunset Shimmer's friendships have only gotten stronger. Whilst finally relaxing in the times of peace, Sunset discovers an old enemy: Sonata Dusk. Strangely alone and apparently homeless, Sonata's luck seems to be at its all time low.
Seeing a little of herself in the former siren, Sunset embarks on a mission to help Sonata find friendship.
First Look:
For the record, I haven’t seen Rainbow Rocks. Hell I still haven’t seen the first Equestria Girls.
I've been too busy watching manly films
That hasn’t meant I missed the clear attention this Sonata character’s been getting, and I can only assume it’s because of her fabulous hair. Not looking so hot in that cover image though. Time to find out why!
Thoughts:
Something was bugging me for ages as I read through the available chapters, and it only hit me near the end: this author writes quite like myself. And I don’t like it. It’s got a weird, stilted, almost robotic element to the pacing that I recognize from some of my past experiments in writing, and some of the dialogue reflects that. Whereas I feel like I’ve practised enough to able to hide most of that annoying quirk of mine, I don’t think Daniel-Gleebits has quite managed it. He’s close though.
Also I get the feeling my lack of context with the films isn’t helping me out much here, as there appears to be a fair amount of callbacks to them scattered about. But you know, there’s nothing here to pick on in particular, it’s all pretty consistent in that above-average way. I can imagine for someone familiar with Sonata’s character, they’d be mildly engaged by her plight here.
Should you read this?
Hard to say, but if you’ve seen the films, sure, go nuts. Probably not if you haven’t.
Sunset Shimmy by shortskirtsandexplosions
Are there times you've ever wondered, "Jee, why did the girls at Canterlot High forgive Sunset Shimmer for her evil succubus meddling so easily?"
First Look:
No actually, shortskirtsandexplosions (still the username to beat on FimFic), like I said, I haven’t seen EQ. Weren’t you paying attention just now? JEEZ
Such a baka!
Thoughts:
“Pinkie Pie smiled wide. "And so the rabbi said, 'No, you have chicken mouth!'"
Epic start. This brought me right in.
I won’t say a word about the premise, because it’s very silly, and you need to go in without expectations for this one. Do so, and you may giggle as much as I did. Yes, even though I know bugger all about Sunset Shimmer. I suspect that didn’t matter at all here.
So yeah, it’s short, funny and-
Applejack yanked Pinkie up by her wrist. "Will y'all just walk normal?!" She stormed inside, growling. "Land's sakes!"
"Land's sakes!"
OH FOR FU…
Should You Read This?
For the length that it is? An unequivocal eeeeyup. I enjoyed it muchly.
Cards Against Equiniti by uhhh...by me. 
When Maud Pie officially endorses the latest party game to hit Equestria, Pinkie can't wait to share it with her friends.
For all the wrong reasons, it's a game they won't soon forget.
First Look:
Welp. This is going to feel strange.
Thoughts:
It’s interesting reading this back again knowing this time how certain people felt about the concept of CAH not translating very well to the written dimension. For sure, it was never going to be a true match for the real-life game. I just saw some comedic potential with the Mane Six character’s interacting with these cards and just rolled with it.
Anyway, the dialogue’s pretty good, there are one or two decent laughs in there, though the amount of references for a less than 10,000 word fic probably borders on the obscene. The ending sort of falls apart too, as if the author wouldn’t know a decent ending if it hit him over the head screaming “I am an ending! Raaaawwwrrrr!”
Should You Read This?
Well, you probably already have, since it bloody hasn't left the Feature Box for over a week now. But if you haven’t, friggin read it since I’M SO CLOSE TO 10K VIEWS PLEASE I NEED THIS YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW
Holy balls, all that took far longer than I was expecting .And that was without looking at the bottom three updated fics - which I simply do not have time for. Now I sort of know how John Perry feels. Well...might do another one of these in the near future if people like this one.
Until then, tally-ho!
-Door Matt
Best Lines:
“With all the grace of a zombie in stiletto heels…”
""APPLES! Squee!" And Sunset headbutted Applejack's tray."
Interesting. I like how you reviewed your own story. That was a good laugh.
My god. This may be my one of my favorite blog posts ever. PLEASE DO MORE OF THESE!!!
Thank you very much for reviewing my fiction, even though it wasn't exactly your cup of tea.
2607039
I honestly felt bad critiquing your one, because there was quite a lot you did right there. I respect any author who can write Pinkie Pie well, cause I sure as hell can't.
Out of interest, did you only just notice this blog post?
2607179 Heh yeah
And don't feel bad. There are some definite flaws in my story, and I do see how in the first chapter I kind of made Hunter look like a Gary Stu.