Voicing Your Fears · 5:09pm Nov 7th, 2014
So, I had just watched a new video by Doctor Wolf, and it struck pretty close to home. While I've never quite had to deal with as much anxiety as what is being discussed in the video, much of it still resonated with me. It struck a chord so to speak. So I felt I had to give expression to that feeling the video left me with.
So here's the video in question:
And here's the poem I wrote as a consequence of watching it:
Silence (When I Was Broken)
By: SilentBelleIf there's one thing we learn, it's that we all have fears,
Moments of weakness in the eyes of our peers.
Times of hesitation when we wish we could disappear,
So we wouldn't have to share our darkest secrets with a stranger.I've known times where speaking has been hard,
When the sound of my voice only ever felt like it stained or a marred.
When I feared not knowing how they'd react.
“An unreasonable fear,” I told myself. I knew for a fact.
Yet still I wished, every time I opened my mouth,
That instead I'd by opening my skin, and blood would pour out.
Physical pain was so much easier to understand, to overcome.
Yet I never acted on such thoughts, for two pains would be worse than one.
But it was still there, a part of me.
It has shaped me, and made me who I am.I made silence my solace and it allowed my mind to clear,
A place where I could watch the world without judgment or fear.
I looked on, listening to numerous voices in passing, their sounds creating beauty,
And for a moment I longed to speak, freely and truly.
That's when I knew I was broken.When what I feared most, was also what I longed for.
When silence comforted me, yet spurred me to talk more.
When I expected the worst of humanity,
Despite never having seen the worst in actuality.This is why I love silences,
They were the only times I truly felt safe and at ease,
To be myself, and to have myself to shape in preparation,
So that when next I'd speak, I wouldn't face annihilation.Somehow, amongst it all, I managed to make friends of strangers,
Who now understand my quietude, or at least respect it.
They listen when I speak, for my words are fewer than theirs.
Though I suspect they don't know the weight these unspoken words have on me,
Or how much effort it takes to finally give them away,
I try to share them how I can. To reach into the depths of my mind,
Into the silence and to wrench free these feelings I've buried deep.Looking into those past silences, is where I can finally see the beauty of the present,
And all it took was to speak.
I've shared my silence with my friends, and I now know that I am safe beside them.
To speak, that's still all it takes, I know.
All it takes is to rend my body limb from limb and to entrust it to you,
Which is why, when the phone rings, I still hesitate.
Perhaps this gives a bit of insight into why I have 'Silent' in my name. This has been a struggle for me, most of my life. Though I have gotten a lot better at talking with and meeting strangers, and it no longer is my primary fear or source of anxiety in my life, (which is great). But it was one heck of a struggle to slowly overcome it. Thanks for reading.
~SilentBelle
Quick word of support before I rush off after a train. You're not alone. I've felt crushed feeling of anxiety at various times in my life and I've never been good at talking to strangers.
I'll have to watch the video and read the poem later.
Fear of talking to strangers huh? Yeah I can relate to that a bit I have a hard time talking to people too but its not becaus of fear, it is for other reasons.
Nice poem by the way :)
As someone who deals with a lot of anxiety, I'll definitely watch the video when I get the chance. Thanks for sharing it with us! Great poem as well!
Yeah, anxiety is tough. I'm taking the path of better living through chemistry myself with some meds. That and practicing posting my thoughts online in a blog and comments. Which means this is a success! Little steps sometimes, but at least they are steps in the right direction.
I can empathize with what you deal with, for I as well deal with such fears and anxiety.
Hell, the only reason Bronycon did not freak me out was because I was literally in a state of shock and awe at being at my Mecca. It was the community that I was with that made it so I could feel something other than the urge to panic.
Like the pony in the video said, there are no words to convey the feelings, or the depth of those feelings.
I was that way after sixth grade, three solid years of all the boys in your class constantly making fun of you will do that to a guy. Over it now though ^^
I read the poem, as promised and wow, I can relate to much of that.
>Somehow, amongst it all, I managed to make friends of strangers,
>Who now understand my quietude, or at least respect it.
>They listen when I speak, for my words are fewer than theirs.
:) Friends like that are golden, I'm glad you found some.